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The Bachelor's Wedding
CHAPTER XIX.
THE BACHELOR'S WEDDING.
When a bachelor marries the arrangement of the details of the ceremony and reception are left to the bride's family, and there is really very little about which to instruct him. Many men wish to know how these matters should be conducted, and a short review is here given under the penalty of its being not within the scope of the Complete Bachelor.
Weddings in society are celebrated either at church or at the home of the bride. The church wedding is the most popular, and in large cities the most fashionable, as it admits of the presence of a large number of people and lends much solemnity to the occasion.
The fashionable hour for a wedding is from high noon—midday—until five o'clock. Evening weddings have within the past five years not been as much in vogue as formerly.
The invitations are issued within a fortnight of the ceremony. The formula is an announcement engraved on a sheet of heavy cream paper folded in two. It is issued in the name of the bride's parents or guardian, and it requests the pleasure of the guest's presence at the marriage of their daughter or ward at such a church or such a number, at such an hour of the day, month, and year. A separate card, inclosed, with the announcement and invitation to the church, states the hours of the reception. The invitations are very simple, engraved in plain English script, and the paper and cards are of a standard quality known to stationers for this purpose. The inner one is addressed only with the name of the person invited, the outer one has this and the street, the street number, and full directions for mailing. Gilt-edged or fancy stationery is vulgar.
I herewith append some examples. The English invariably insist on the R. S. V. P., or "answer if you please," on even church invitations. This is not the regular New York custom.
The reason for this is that in England those asked to the church are always expected also at the reception. Only the bridal party sit down to an elaborate breakfast, the other guests being given the very lightest of refreshments.
American form:
Mr. and Mrs. ——
request your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Katherine
to
Mr. ——,
Thursday, February the twenty-eighth,
at twelve o'clock.
Grace Church,
Broadway and Tenth Street.
Also:
Mr. and Mrs. ——
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Annie
to
Mr. ——
on (etc.).
Mr. and Mrs. ——
request your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Myra Raymond
to
Mr. ——,
Thursday, February the twenty-eighth,
at twelve o'clock.
Grace Church,
Broadway and Tenth Street.
Mr. and Mrs. ——
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Annie
to
Mr. ——
on Tuesday morning, November twenty-seventh,
at half past eleven o'clock.
St. Leo's Church,
East Twenty-eighth Street.
——
Please present this card at
St. Leo's Church,
November twenty-seventh.
English form:
Mr. and Mrs. ——
request the pleasure of
Lord and Lady ——'s
company at
St. Peter's, Eaton Square,
on Saturday, November 4th, at two o'clock,
on the occasion of the marriage of their daughter
Margaret and —— ——,
and afterward at 1 Grosvenor Square.
R. S. V. P. ——
Admit bearer
to
St. Peter's Church, Eaton Square,
on November 4th, 1895, at two o'clock.
If the bride whom a bachelor is marrying is a widow and lives in her own house, the invitations to the church and the reception, or to either or both, would read simply, "The pleasure of your company is requested at the wedding," etc., with a separate card bearing the word reception and stating the hour and address.
Should there be no guests at the wedding, and should it be conducted very quietly or privately, it is necessary that announcement cards be sent out after the event has taken place. These are issued in the name of the bride's parent, parents, or guardian, who simply announce "the marriage of their daughter [or ward] Elizabeth to Mr. Henry Smith Walcott, Thursday, June the twentieth, eighteen hundred and ninety-six." In the left-hand corner is placed the address of those sending out the cards. A card is also inclosed with the names of the newly married couple, their address, and their reception day. Should there be neither parents nor guardians, the parties to the contract can announce it themselves with one card thus: "Mr. William Benham Thorne and Miss Eleanore Taylor, married on Thursday, November the seventh, eighteen hundred and ——, New York." Another card can also be inclosed, on which is the new address of the married couple, as well as their day at home. If it is a church wedding, and there are neither guardians nor parents, you can use the form, "You are invited to be present at the wedding of ——," etc.
A too rigid economy should not be observed in the sending of wedding invitations, and the prospective bridegroom should see that this is carried out. In case there are several members of a family, it is good form to inclose an invitation to each; thus, Mr. and Mrs. Algernon Smith, the Misses Smith, and Messrs. Smith making three smaller envelopes inclosed in the larger one addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Algernon Smith.
As I have advised in the chapter on Cards, your pasteboard should be left at the house of those in whose name the invitations are issued, even if you are asked only to the church. If to the reception, you owe two visits of "digestion"—one to the bride's parents and one to the happy pair.
All the expenses pertaining to a wedding are borne by the bride's parents. The bridegroom, however, pays the clergyman's fee and provides his own carriage, cab, or hansom from his rooms to the church. This vehicle is also sent to the house of the best man.
All expenses after the marriage are, of course, defrayed by the bridegroom. It has been strict etiquette for the bride and bridegroom not to use the family carriage, which usually takes them from the church, to fetch them to the railroad station, but one provided by the bridegroom. It is frequently a matter of courtesy for the bride's parents to offer this for the occasion.
The bridegroom should, as soon as the wedding day is appointed, choose his best man and his ushers. The vogue is to ask his nearest unmarried male relative or his most intimate bachelor friend to serve in the capacity of best man. More recently a number of very fashionable New Yorkers have had married men take that position, and thus the innovation has sanction through the action of the "smart set." A married best man is said to be an English fad, but I find that it could be more correctly termed an Anglo-Indian mode, as this new idea is much more popular in Calcutta and Bombay than in London.
In the selection of ushers, a man asks usually some few of his intimates or club friends, and through courtesy to his prospective bride a male member of her family, frequently her brother. Six ushers are the usual number, although four are quite sufficient. Some few men have been known to dispense with the services of the best man and have only ushers, but this is not exactly correct at a fashionable church wedding. The ushers can be very easily omitted if the ceremony is to take place at the house.
The bridegroom presents his best man and his ushers with their ties, their gloves, and tie pin, which is a souvenir of the occasion, as well as their boutonnières, or "buttonholes," to accept the last English expression, to be worn at the ceremony.
The tie, gloves, and tie pin are given to the best man and the ushers at the farewell bachelor dinner; the boutonnières are ordered at the florist's and sent to them on the morning of the wedding. Lilies of the valley are the favorite wedding flowers, but the floral arrangements are regulated by the bride's family, who possibly have a certain color or flower scheme for the church decorations, and the "buttonholes" must be in keeping.
The bridegroom generally provides hansoms or coupés to drive his ushers to the church from their respective residences. As the bride's family provides the carriages for the cortège, these other vehicles may be dismissed at the church.
The bridegroom himself drives to the church in a hansom with his best man.
If it is a house wedding these carriages need not be provided. In this country the bridegroom does not give the bridesmaids any token or present. In England he presents them with brooches or bracelets. In New York the bride presents her maid of honor and bridesmaids with souvenirs in the shape of lace pins, brooches, or bracelets.
The bridegroom always gives to his bride a handsome wedding present, which is to be worn or carried on the happy day. It may be a diamond tiara, it may be a diamond star, it may be jewels of any kind which he can ascertain would be acceptable to her, or it may be a prayer book. The bridegroom does not provide any part of the bride's costume.
If the bride should carry flowers instead of a prayer book, this special bouquet is the gift of the bridegroom, but the flowers for the bridesmaids are provided by the bride.
The expenses of the wedding notices in the newspapers and the fee to the clergyman are paid by the bridegroom through the agency of the best man.
The wedding ring is of bright burnished gold, perfectly plain. The date of the wedding and the initials of the happy pair should be engraved on the inside. The ring is confided to the best man, who produces it at the proper time during the ceremony.
It is customary for a prospective bridegroom to purchase or, rather, to have a wedding outfit made. Very elaborate affairs of this kind are not in good taste, and anything which suggests the occasion is certainly vulgar. Beyond the clothes for the ceremony, there should be a general overhauling of the wardrobe and shirts, undervests, underclothes, handkerchiefs, and such articles must, if any of them are needed or have fallen into decay, be supplied or renewed. All this is a matter of taste.
The bachelor farewell dinner is now a recognized institution. Perhaps next to the ceremony itself, it is regarded as the most important social function of the wedding week.
If you are a member of a club, your farewell dinner should be given there in one of the private dining rooms. Otherwise it is perfectly correct to have it at a well-known restaurant or hotel, in, of course, a private dining room. You may have it at your own house, and, should your parents be living and you reside with them, it can be given at home. The club, however, is really first choice. Sometimes the strictly bachelor dinner is dispensed with, and in its stead a dinner is given to the entire bridal party by the family of the bride. This does away with the presumed selfishness of the "stag" dinner, and the possible excuse for some one or more of the guests to become exhilarated—a finale, I am grieved to say, that has happened on more than one occasion.
At the stag dinner you should have your best man, your ushers, and several of your friends. You can invite a married man or so, especially if he is a very jolly fellow, and it is expected that some one or more of your bride's relatives will be included. Twelve is a good number, but, of course, never thirteen, because women are generally superstitious, and should this become known to your future one it might cause her great mental anxiety.
The gloves, ties, and tie or scarf pins to be given to the best man and ushers are placed in white boxes tied with white satin ribbon and put in the outer room to be handed to each man as he bids adieu. Perhaps it might be more prudent to place them at the covers, but it would hardly be good form, as there would be in that case several of the guests without favors. And, besides, a dinner with favors is not permissible in these days.
Boutonnières of lilies of the valley should be also placed at each cover. The menu cards should be simple but tasteful. Elaborate menus are not now in the best form. In fact, with a bachelor dinner, as with all functions of this kind, elegant simplicity should be the predominating characteristic; cut glass and silver are all that is required. In the center of the table a basket, or, better, a silver jardinière of roses, is the only floral decoration. During the course of the dinner these flowers are removed and are sent to the bride-elect. It is sometimes the custom—and a very pretty one—for each guest to note a sentiment on a menu card or simply his own name, and have that sent also with the flowers.
The dinner itself can, but need not be very elaborate. I do not like a dinner of many courses. It is usual to serve sherry and whisky and caviare sandwiches in the anteroom before dinner, and also to have cigars and cigarettes galore there as well as at table, although it is not permissible to smoke before the cheese is served. I would recommend raw oysters, a clear soup, a bit of fish with sliced cucumber—an attractive entrée; a fillet with vegetables, canvas-back duck, cheese and salad, coffee, and fruit.
The Ceremony.
On the morning of the wedding the bridegroom is called for in the hansom or cab which has been ordered for himself and the best man. The best man calls for him and takes him to the church. They should time their movements so as to arrive at least five minutes before the hour appointed for the ceremony. The same precaution should be observed if it is a house wedding.
At day weddings afternoon dress is de rigueur for bridegroom, best man, ushers, and all male guests. The bridegroom, best man, and ushers should be dressed alike in frock coats and waistcoats to match, trousers of dark gray striped, patent-leather shoes, gray suede gloves, white or pearl-colored scarfs, and top hats.
The English have allowed some latitude, and wear gray frock coats and even colored shirts, but this fashion is not generally in vogue in America. Evening weddings require formal evening dress. A wedding at dusk in winter, where the bride wears traveling costume, calls for afternoon dress on the part of the bridegroom.
The bridegroom and best man alight at the vestry. They remain in the back of the chancel until the first notes of the wedding march notify them of the presence of the bride. The best man must see before the ceremony that the bridegroom's top hat, as well as his own, is sent to the entrance of the church to be handed to the respective owners on their exit.
When the bride, on the arm of her father or guardian, approaches the altar, the bridegroom and best man walk out from the vestry, either together or the best man in advance. In the latter case the best man steps back at the chancel rail, and allows the bridegroom to pass before him. The bridegroom stands on the right-hand side of the altar or reading desk and the best man on his right. The bride is on the bridegroom's left, and her father or guardian a little behind her on her left.
To avoid confusion, the ceremony is generally rehearsed an evening or two before. Much depends on the liturgy of the communion to which the couple belong. The best man has charge of the ring, and must produce it and hand it to the clergyman at the time it is demanded.
At the conclusion of the ceremony the best man precedes the bride and bridegroom in the procession, escorting the maid of honor, unless the cortège has been differently arranged. In that case, he makes his way either through the vestry or down one of the aisles to the church door, where he superintends the filing away of the bridal carriages and party. At the reception he goes in to breakfast with the maid of honor, or with a near relative of the bride's family. He may use the bridegroom's hansom from the church to the house, or he may go with one of the family. There is no rule for this. The bride and bridegroom use the bride's carriage.
The best man is intrusted also with the paying of the clergyman. The bridegroom will give him a check for this purpose. As already stated, he also inserts the marriage notices in the newspapers, the funds for which are also provided by the bridegroom. He pays his own personal expenses.
The ushers meet in the church about an hour before the ceremony. The bridegroom generally puts carriages at their disposal, but that is not in the least obligatory. They can take hansoms or cabs, or for that matter go to the rendezvous in the car or stage. The ushers stand at the foot of the nave or aisle and busy themselves escorting guests to seats. An usher offers his right arm to the lady he escorts up the aisle. Even if a lady should be accompanied by her husband or escort, the usher should offer her his arm, and the other man walks up behind them. If an usher should not have had the formality of an introduction to the lady he is showing to a seat, a bow and a smile when leaving her is all that is necessary. An usher, being a friend of the family, knows those who ought to go beyond the ribbon and those who are not relatives or family connections. The bride's brothers, if they are ushers, take care of the members of their family, and the intimate friends of the bridegroom or his relations. The relatives of the bride are placed in the front pews beyond the ribbon on the right-hand side of the altar, and the bridegroom's on the left-hand side. At the arrival of the bridal party the ushers get together and form in the back of the church for the procession up the aisle or nave. Their meeting thus is the cue for the sexton, who signals the organist, and the march is started. The ushers advance up the aisle, two by two, until they reach the chancel, where they divide on the right and on the left, allowing the bridesmaids to pass before them, standing in a semicircle around the altar rails. If it is a Roman Catholic wedding they genuflect as they reach the chancel. They file down the aisle in the same order, heading the bridal procession. At the carriage way they assist the bridesmaids in their carriages, and by previous arrangement they are allotted to certain carriages escorting the bridesmaids.
At the reception the bride and bridegroom take their places under a wedding bell of flowers or in the front drawing room between the two front windows, or, again, in the back drawing room. The house is decorated with palms, potted plants, flowers, and other foliage. Pink and white orchids, ferns, and chrysanthemums make very effective decorations. The mother of the bride, or nearest female relative, stands at the door of the drawing room and greets the guests. The ushers and bridesmaids are scattered about the room. If there is only a reception, then the guests, after exchanging greetings with the lady of the house, pass on and shake hands with and congratulate the bridegroom and wish the bride joy. Unless you are an intimate friend, do not attempt any set speech. The bride will say, if she has not seen you for a short time before the wedding, "I must thank you, Mr. Smith, for your beautiful present," or something of that kind. If you do not know the bridegroom she will present you to him. If you are a friend of the bridegroom he will present you to the bride, and should say, if such is the case, "Evangeline," or "May," or "Margaret," or otherwise; or "My dear, let me present to you Mr. Algernon Smith, who, you remember, is one of my best friends." And if Mrs. —— has any tact, she will at once reply, "I am so pleased to meet any of my husband's old friends, and I must thank you, Mr. Smith, for the beautiful bonbon dishes. They were just what I wanted," or words to that effect. Then pass on. Refreshments are served at a wedding reception from a buffet in the dining room. If you enter with a lady, ask her what she would like, and get it for her. Then take your own choice of refreshment, and stand or sit by her as the accommodations of the room will permit. A half hour at a wedding reception is sufficient. It is not good form to bid good-by to the bride and bridegroom, but only to the lady of the house.
If there is no chaperon—for instance, if the bride be a widow or divorcee and is in her own home—then you must bid her good-by, but in such cases large receptions are not given.
There is always a breakfast or luncheon set for the bridal party, at which the bride, escorted by the bridegroom, leads the way. The bride's father, escorting the bridegroom's mother, the ushers and bridesmaids and relatives follow. In this country we have no special law of precedence, and these bridal luncheons are more or less informal. There are no toasts.
After breakfast the valet, should there be one, must be ready with the bridegroom's valise, when his master retires to put on a tweed suit for traveling; otherwise it can be laid out by one of the servants. With the coachman on the box and amid the usual shower of rice and slippers, as also the fusillade of a battery of eyes from neighbors' windows, and perhaps a crowd of street urchins and admiring servants, the happy couple start out on their wedding journey. I think it is better taste to wait until dark, almost, so as to avoid all this unseemly publicity, and I am averse to having the coachman and horses decked with white ribbons; but, of course, one does not marry every day in the year, and these little eccentricities are pardonable on such—shall I say?—an "auspicious" occasion.
At a home wedding, as has been said above, ushers are not necessary. The same ceremonial is observed as at church, but due allowance must be made for crowded quarters. Usually very few are asked to the ceremony, but many to the reception afterward. As soon as the ceremony is over congratulations are in order, the newly married couple standing under the bell of flowers where they were married, and receiving the good wishes of their friends.
If a man marries abroad there are many annoying bits of red tape to be considered. In London you are obliged to have a legal residence in the parish where the ceremony is to be performed. In Paris a civil marriage before the mayor of the district is necessary. Certificates of baptism must be filed with him, and you must give proof of the legal consent of both your parents as well as those of the bride. The religious ceremony takes place twenty-four hours after the civil. It is strict etiquette that the contracting parties do not see each other during this interim.
The order of the wedding procession in France and on the Continent differs vastly from that in England and America. There are neither ushers nor a best man. If there are bridesmaids the groomsmen accompany them. The bride enters on the arm of her father preceded by the attendants, and the bridegroom follows, escorting his future mother-in-law. A long procession of relatives brings up the rear. The men, no matter at what time of the day the ceremony might take place—and evening weddings are unknown—are in formal evening dress.
Under the French law also no widow or divorcee can remarry until ten months have elapsed since the dissolution of the previous contract. This should not be forgotten by bachelors contemplating matrimony with either one of these classes of eligibles. In Germany there are further complications, and I would advise all citizens of the United States contemplating matrimony there to consult the consul or minister at the legation.
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