16 characters you’ll meet on a night out in Cape Town

Source: http://10and5.com/2016/11/23/16-char...-in-cape-town/

Look, the Mother City is a big place. Trying to fit all of its distinctive inhabitants and diverse charisma into one sitting would be almost as crazy as electing a racist as president of the free world, or as unbelievable as a new-born iguana escaping the writhing grips of an army of murder snakes, or as horrifying as Taylor Swift going into studio with Drake, but here we are. It’s 2016 and shoehorning Cape Town’s vast array of metropolitan wildlife into a single, throwaway article is exactly what I’m about to do.

So consider this a warning: if you’re looking for considered journalism on the eclectic variety this fine city has to offer, stop what you’re doing right now and go read an article about all several hundred of its burger joints. If you’re interested in an undoubtedly cockeyed glimpse of the colourful personalities on display on any given night out in Cape Town, then you’ve come to the right place, because if you’ve ever had a night out in this city, then the following faces might seem all too familiar.

1. A musician who is also serving you drinks.

You can find this character in a heartbreakingly hip lounge or managing a here-today, at-some-festival-foodcourt-tomorrow pop-up bar, flaming orange zest over some cocktail you’ll never be able to afford or even pronounce. He’s biding his time until the band kicks off properly, and they just got a booking agent so he’s got a feeling it could happen any day now. But until that day he’s quite content being a world-class flair bartender who has to endure regular visits from patrons who are extremely on cocaine.


2. A photographer.

They’re the ones with the cameras. You’ve got two options here: smile or swerve.




3. A DJ.

For every potential DJ gig in Cape Town, there are, at any given time, approximately twenty self-made DJs with a R49 DJ app for iPad who are willing to do it for “the exposure”. Follow them on SoundCloud. For God’s sake, will you follow their SoundCloud already? Do you not understand that their very existence is just a funnel that converts handshakes into opportunities to share SoundCloud playlists? So, please, support the scene or GTFO. Listen to that mashup. Share that track. Download their free sample packs. Comment on and agree with their categorical political rants. Then totally bail when they try get you to come party in, like, Edward Street or whatever. Side note: the fact that almost every Capetonian you meet is a DJ really does make you wonder if playing music has become more popular a hobby than actually listening or dancing to it.


4. A person who is way too into their advertising job.

Every once in a while, this person manages to tear him or herself away from the open-plan studio office for an evening to spend some time out on the town with his or her best friend who is actually a mobile phone, checking emails, sending WeTransfer links, and reading lengthy think pieces in praise of modern advertising and ‘design thinking’ or something equally lofty. Sometimes, this person might not even realise they’re at a bar and not at work and will set about pitching you a new concept for sustainable cigarettes or The New Uber, But For Doughsants, but at least you won’t have to contribute much energy to the conversation aside from the odd nod of affirmation and the occasional “wow, love doughsants”, which will probably be cut off anyway with more scandalous tales of the epic crazy times at the Loeries two years back, before it moved to Durban, which is sticky and gross.


5. A dude who just fucking loves shots.

This brother is extremely DTD — Down To Daydrink, hah — doesn’t matter if it’s out on the town with the guys or around a braai at his home that he shares with five other guys. You’ll know all about it because each drink-downing fedora stand will be thoroughly documented onto your Facebook timeline with captions like “#puzathursday” and a kind of nauseatingly basic, Sutro-filtered panache. If you see this guy out somewhere in Sea Point, Long Street or in any one of the Southern Suburbs, keep in mind that the likelihood of alcohol poisoning increases exponentially the closer you get to him, like some kind of boozy gravitational pull, and it’s highly likely that several Jägerbombs are already orbiting you, so brace for impact.



6. Someone from Twitter.

Because there are no restaurants, bars, nightclubs, coffee shops, beaches, beach clubs, waterfronts, specialty eateries or fully inclusive social spaces in all of Cape Town, a really great way to meet people is on the internet. Once the virtual pleasantries are over, you might bump into one another in the real world where you will inevitably blaze through your shortlist of shared interests before realising that there really was no point in pushing this relationship past its digital origins. You might still see each other in the Garden’s Centre Pick ‘n Pay from time to time but neither of you will ever admit it.


7. A racist.

Some of their best friends are black but you’ll never meet them.


8. A straight white male who is woke as fuck.

Fam, this guy has checked his privilege thoroughly along with everyone else’s. He has BEEN saying. He strives to stay consistently in his lane but will often attack anti-#FeesMustFall Facebook posts with the fervour and energy that can only be the result of a literal buffet of Woolies finger food. He can often be found flitting about from Kloof to Woodstock to Observatory offering the unsolicited unpacking of complex societal issues to unsuspecting basics.


9. A vegan.

More Kendall than Kylie. They are all about caring for the earth and that’s great. Somebody’s got to do it. Apart from appropriating traditional proteins using alien alternatives like tofu and seitan (not today, seitan), vegans exist on water and weed, which means they’re usually supervibey with husky voices, throaty laughs and zero ass. You’ll know immediately when you’re in the presence of a vegan because they’ll tell you upfront even if it’s totally off-topic. “Hey, how are you?” you’ll say. “Ah, you know… vegan,” they’ll reply. These people have watched Cowspiracy on Netflix more than once and possess superior knowledge and insight bestowed exclusively upon a worthy few and anyone with an internet line. Despite living a lifestyle packed with healthy alternatives, sustainable choices and the tiniest of carbon footprints, vegans also love getting really fucking drunk. Caprice, anyone?



10. A person who is straight edge and will tell you all about it.

But at least not in a condescending, preachy way — except when it is. This person is clean-cut, hella fit, impeccably dressed, has a great job at a great company with great people who say great a lot, and whose every characteristic would be almost enviable if it weren’t for the fact that they seem totally incapable of experiencing or even comprehending the concept of fun. Of all the people in the world, you think, it’s this person that is most deserving of a drink.


11. Some guy who is married to craft beer.

High-quality. Local. This is their religion. Castle Light? Psssh. They burp the entire alphabet in SAB’s general direction. Another pshhh, but this time it’s the sound of him opening homebrewed pale ale. This person lives an authentic and adventurous lifestyle that is all about garage alchemy and “experience over material value”, you know? Dare to disagree and you can expect him to lumber at you in a bewildering blur of plaid and gingering beard, but don’t worry ‘cause he’s probably never swung an axe in his life.


12. A Tinder couple.

These are fun ones. It’s pretty easy to tell if two individuals are on a Tinder date. Just look for the desperate smiles that scream, “We are having a precariously good time!” and the awkward body language that suggests both would rather be at home alone eating mayonnaise directly from the jar and binge watching MasterChef Australia atop a Christmas bed made entirely out of cats.



13. A literally insane person.

This person’s last window of sanity closed the same time Evol’s doors did. Maybe they’re a struggling creative, an obscure blogger, or someone whose job consists entirely of asking their parents for more money. Regardless, the more you stand there talking to them the more you’ll realise those charismatic habits and quirky tangents are less about the theatre sports improv nights they keep talking about and more about the snuff movie studio they’re considering crowdfunding once they’ve recovered from their latest bout of creative flaccidity, which is probably after their next drink. For real, run. This person will be on Carte Blanche any second now.


14. A girl who is hanging out with a squad of her own doppelgangers.

All duckface and #nofilter, this girl is really only a limb on a larger body of girls, a tightknit community of #bff’s whose reasons for such tighknittedity remain a coveted secret, even to them. These gaggles can be found on dance floors across Cape Town, screaming high-pitched misheard lyrics to the ceiling and spilling a cocktail on whoever’s wearing the most white. This is the kind of girl whose flawless tan you can hear over the phone, who Instagrams her food between mouthfuls, and who seems to speak almost totes in abbrevies. She cray.



15. An Uber driver.

I feel like we need a refresher course on the Cape Town Cab Code of Conduct. Just so we’re clear, front seat equals ‘I’m interested in engaging you in conversation’; back seat equals ‘I’m too tired and/or drunk and/or filled with social anxiety to participate in any kind of meaningful interaction’. The sooner we all understand this, the better. Uber drivers in Cape Town are mostly friendly and pleasant, except for when they’re trying to avoid engaging in the taxi turf war that everyone knows is happening but nobody talks about. Also, some Uber drivers will give you an aux cables. 5 stars, straight-up. Use it, don’t use it.


16. The person who has never been to Cape Town until right now.

There’s nothing quite like a Cape Town virgin. Why? Because there are literally thousands of ways to blow their fucking mind. This person has never seen the view from Signal Hill on a clear night, never climbed Lion’s Head to check out a Super Moon or whatever the hell those people are doing up there in the wind, never gotten raucously day drunk on a train to Kalk Bay and prank called one of those traditional healers who subsist on making muti that engorges penises, never engorged themself on Lefty’s fried-chicken waffles before finding a block party in Harrington Street or making new friends in the Assembly queue when the Assembly queue still existed. The Mother City is their oyster and they’re looking at you to shuck and suck that bitch. Go forth.