Fortis in Arduis
11-12-2009, 11:25 PM
Nicole and Paris, Heidi and Lauren – Tinseltown is bursting at the seams with ‘frenemies’. The term is pretty self explanatory, friends who are really enemies.
They’re always bitching, always moaning, always back stabbing, and never there to back each other up…
Don’t be fooled into thinking that frenemies only exist in La-La-Land. Frenemies are an all too common type of relationship, and you’ve probably either had one, have one or are guilty of being one!
We got the inside scoop from Dr Jan Yager, an internationally acknowledged expert in relationships and author of When Friendship Hurts: How to deal with friends who betray, abandon or wound you, on what exactly frenemies are, how you can spot one and how you can deal with one!
What is a frenemy?
All friendships have varying degrees of support and antagonism. However Dr Yager says there is a fine line between friends and frenemies. Generally, a genuine friend will be happy for you when things are going well and will be there to pick up the pieces when your world is falling apart. And of course, you’d also happily do the same.
Frenemies don’t have that equal balance. They’ll probably be negative, jealous, sour or unsupportive – everything you wouldn’t want a friend to be! That’s not to say you’re a bad friend because you get twangs of jealousy now and again. “It’s normal to be jealous, however the difference with a frenemy is they are consistently negative, which is not what you’d define as a friendship,” says Dr Yager.
How do I spot a frenemy?
Dr Yager uses the concept of pseudo-friends – people you think are your friends, but don’t actually exude any qualities of a true friendship. She breaks them into two categories, foul weather and fair weather friends. The foul weather friend is only happy when you’re not. Maybe you had a messy break up and all of a sudden one of your long lost buddies appeared, only to disappear and get nasty as soon as you started to get your mojo back? That’s a typical example of a foul weather friend.
The fair weather type is only around when things are going well for you, but disappears whenever times are tough and you need her most. They’re around for the fun times, not the long times…
These are the friends that are most likely to be the frenemies within your life. These pseudo-friends lack the qualities of real friendships. A genuine friendship is reciprocal, but as you’ll know, these types are totally one sided. Before you write off your friend as a frenemy ask yourself a few honest questions. In When Friendship Hurts, Dr Yager recommends that you think about whether you’re too demanding on your friends and if your expectations are too unrealistic.
Dr Yager warns that the frenemies concept is complicated. “Sometimes genuine friendship can be mislabelled in to the frenemies categories. It really does depend on different people’s perceptions.” For example, maybe your friend tells you that your man is a self-obsessed idiot who doesn’t care about you. She might be telling you this because she genuinely wants better for you, however you could misinterpret this as her trying to sabotage your relationship and being plain harsh and rude.
How do I deal with or avoid a frenemy?
A friend can turn into a frenemy for any number of random, unexplainable reasons; however Dr Yager says the classic reasons are usually to do with betrayal, and generally those of the sexual, romantic and confidence kind.
Be clear on what is and isn’t a secret with your friends, so that they know what they can and can’t tell other people. Dr Yager says it’s also important to be realistic about who your friends will tell. “I tell my husband everything, and my friends know that if they tell me something I can’t promise I won’t also tell him.” Hands up who’s ever told a boyfriend a secret that swore they wouldn’t tell anybody?!
The Friendship Oath
To get over this very sticky bump, Dr Yager has created ‘The Friendship Oath’. Just like sharing vows when you get married, this is a sort of friendship contract. It gives honest and clear guidelines on what is and what's not acceptable. Dr Yager says that when she created it, she flipped all the negatives of an unhealthy friendship in to positives. It’s a great way to figure out what kind of healthy friendship you strive for, and can also help you to pinpoint where you're going wrong. Check it out for yourself below...
*By accepting the responsibility of being your friend, I promise to be honest and trustworthy. I will try to work out any differences or conflicts that we may have and will try to put the time and effort into our friendship that it requires.
I know we both have work (or school), family and personal obligations, and we will respect each other’s relationships and commitments, but I will also be committed to this friendship. I will try to only give advice if it’s asked for and I will also try to be your friend unconditionally.
I will keep your confidences. However, I will also share with you if it is my policy to never keep anything from my spouse or any other primary relationship with whom I entrust all my secrets. I will try to remember your birthday and be there for you when times are tough and when times are grand.
Making time to talk, communicate by mail or email, or getting together is a priority. I will celebrate your achievements even though I know a tiny bit of envy or competitiveness is normal. I will bring fun and joy to your life as much as I am able to as I cherish our past, present and future friendship.
So whether you are the victim or a frenemy or the big bad wolf – ask yourself whether your friendship is really worth continuing. If so, try and rebuild it in to a healthy, reciprocal one following the Friendship Oath. I also recommend reading When Friendship Hurts for a more comprehensive guide on how to deal with frenemies. If you don’t think the friendship is worth continuing, make sure you end it with tact and care - you don't want to end up with an arch enemy a la Heidi and Lauren from The Hills... eeekkk!
After all, friendships are some of the most important relationships in our lives. “You need to be able to cultivate friends. The ability to have, keep and make friends is vital,” says Dr Yager. We couldn’t agree more!
http://www.nzgirl.co.nz/articles/10309
HOW TO DITCH A FRENEMY
Instructions
Step 1
Get clear. Do you want to loose this person from your life completely or simply put a lager buffer around your relationship? Sometimes frenemies can be turned into friends. Other times attempts to at such relationship repositioning are futile.
Step 2
Affirm what you deserve. You deserve peace, joy and respect within your relationships. You deserve friendships that are clear and dependable. You deserve to be inspired, uplifted, motivated and encouraged. You deserve to give and receive love. You deserve to rid your life of people who bring out the worst in you.
Step 3
Summon bravery. It can be daunting to break old patterns, end lifeless relationships and expose yourself to the unknown. Trust that you can do it. You are brave and strong.
Step 4
Let honesty reign. Stop making accommodations for behavior that demoralizes, embarrasses or just downright angers you. If you his jokes are tasteless, stop laughing. If you find her comments hurtful, stick up for yourself. Frenemiships flourish in dishonest, suppressed environments. If you want to rid yourself of this toxic relationship, you must be straight with your emotions.
Step 5
Be aloof. Don't return phone calls. Stop getting caught up in the details of your frenemy's life. Keep your responses neutral and slightly cool. Begin creating distance by pulling back the amount of emotional and physical energy you put into this relationship.
Step 6
Save the drama for your mama. Stay out of the ring. Hold back the insulting jabs. Keep your inner gossipmonger under lock and key. Just because you're ready to end this relationship, doesn't mean you need to build a fighting case against your frenemy. Let things end quietly.
Step 7
Squash guilt. Sometimes relationships flourish, sometimes they deteriorate. We aren't meant to be BFF with everybody. Chances are that if you're ready to break ties with your frenemy, then your frenemy is probably feeling the same. No need to lay a guilt trip on yourself. And no need to lay blame on your frenemy either.
Step 8
Honor what the relationship taught and brought you. You got something from this relationship no doubt. Acknowledge what you've learned and vow to take those lessons into the future.
Step 9
Open yourself to new possibilities. When you eliminate an unhealthy relationship you create the emotional and physical space needed to build a new, healthier relationship. Keep your eyes and heart open, awaiting your new beginning.
http://www.ehow.co.uk/how_2243073_ditch-a-frenemy.html?cr=1
Is Your Friend Really a "Frenemy"?
Is your so-called friend really a "Frenemy"--a malicious person who subtly puts you down?
If you suspect the answer is yes, it's time to learn the signs and ditch that frenemy fast.
by eHarmony Staff
In the worlds of dating, personal success and self-esteem, our close friends are our bedrock. They give us a foundation of acceptance and advice, a solid base from which we can build ourselves into the people we want to become. But if we choose our friends poorly, their bad intentions can nibble away at our self-esteem like termites on a floorboard. Look around you – is that friend who’s hanging out at your house using you emotionally to make herself feel better? Is she a true friend or a “frenemy”?
Is she Complimenting you or Keeping you in your Place?
The hard thing about spotting frenemies is that they usually don’t intend to hurt you. They just want to boost their own egos and feel superior. And the best way to do that is to make someone else, namely you, toe the line just behind where they want to be standing. A frenemy, therefore, uses compliments that have a demeaning subtext. Be wary if your friend gives you backhanded compliments like these:
“Those boots look pretty good for someone with your build.”
“He seems much better than the guys you normally attract.”
“If I were you, I’d be very happy to get flowers!”
These so-called compliments are a frenemy’s way of letting you know that she has lower standards for you than she has for herself. And that can be worse for your self-esteem than any putdown from a known enemy.
A frenemy will make constant suggestions that seem helpful, but she really only makes them to buttress her sense of self-superiority. When it comes to clothes, she may suggest that you wear something, and then smirk and say that she’d never wear something like that herself. When it comes to dating, a frenemy may constantly encourage you to date guys or gals who are really wrong for you or whom you may not even find attractive or interesting. Your frenemy may hint that the person you have the hots for would never stoop to dating someone like you. Whatever they say, frenemies tend to talk to you in ways that chip away at your self-esteem.
Is She Helping You Edit Your Best Self or Rewriting Your Best Traits?
Now, not all criticisms are bad. One of the great things about friends is that we can reveal ourselves to them, warts and all, and expect some positive feedback.
Sure, sometimes our little quirks may annoy our friends to death, and vice versa! But friends accept us for who we are and try to help us anyway. If we ride in the rodeo, they’ll tell us which lariat works best with our silver spurs. If we play Dungeons and Dragons, they always want us to roll a 12 on our 12-sided die, even if they tell us not to talk about elves so much in public.
They care about us and want us to make a great first (and second impression) on the people we’re dating, while still making sure we’re true to our wonderful, lovable selves.
A frenemy, on the other hand, might see a success in your personal life as an affront to her. If she chooses not to go bicycling with you, and you wind up meeting a great guy who’s into 10-speeds and actually looks good in bike shorts, in her mind, that means he’s a loser. She’ll probably let you know in no uncertain terms how ridiculous she finds your new beau and your biking hobby, in general, all the while trying to drag you to her favorite activities and negating what you want to do. Her words are coming from a place of jealousy and self-doubt. Your successes seem to prove that she’s not really a step ahead of you and that she doesn’t really have all the answers. To correct this, she’ll try to get you feeling bad about yourself so that she can corral you back into line behind her.
So watch out if you find your friend attacking you for the things you love about yourself the most. A friend who tells you which Foghat T-shirt looks the least geeky is a true friend, but the friend who tells you that your taste in shirts and bands is passé may be trying to put you down to bolster her own self-worth. And that’s not a friend you can count on.
What You Say About Her Says It All
Unfortunately, the friend vs. frenemy debate is not a hard-and-fast comparison. Most of our friends are going to have cranky days once in a while. But most of the time, we should find their imperfections endearing. The fact that Danny always spills his drink everywhere and Suzy sings R.E.M. songs at her desk may annoy us. But even when we complain, we’ve got big grins on our faces.
Not so with frenemies. If you feel devastated after a phone call with her, that’s a bad sign. If you’re talking with other friends and find yourself constantly complaining about the way a certain friend talks to you,” or worse, constantly asking your other friends for reassurance about doubts in your mind planted by that friend, then you may be in a toxic relationship that is holding you back from being at your best.
Next time your friend calls to come over or do something with you, after you hang up the phone, think about what you’d say if you had people over to talk with. Is your impulse to cheer that your friend is going to spend time with you? Or do you want to open the window and scream, “Why does Lucinda talk to me like that?” Know the signs and make sure that you don’t let yourself get bogged down by spies in the house of friendship.
Are some of your friends “frenemies”? Are there other things friends can do besides the ones listed here to wind up in your frenemy zone? And are those friendships salvageable? Let us know your thoughts and experiences from your own friendships.
http://advice.yahoo.eharmony.com.au/?page=articles/view&AID=2087&start=2
They’re always bitching, always moaning, always back stabbing, and never there to back each other up…
Don’t be fooled into thinking that frenemies only exist in La-La-Land. Frenemies are an all too common type of relationship, and you’ve probably either had one, have one or are guilty of being one!
We got the inside scoop from Dr Jan Yager, an internationally acknowledged expert in relationships and author of When Friendship Hurts: How to deal with friends who betray, abandon or wound you, on what exactly frenemies are, how you can spot one and how you can deal with one!
What is a frenemy?
All friendships have varying degrees of support and antagonism. However Dr Yager says there is a fine line between friends and frenemies. Generally, a genuine friend will be happy for you when things are going well and will be there to pick up the pieces when your world is falling apart. And of course, you’d also happily do the same.
Frenemies don’t have that equal balance. They’ll probably be negative, jealous, sour or unsupportive – everything you wouldn’t want a friend to be! That’s not to say you’re a bad friend because you get twangs of jealousy now and again. “It’s normal to be jealous, however the difference with a frenemy is they are consistently negative, which is not what you’d define as a friendship,” says Dr Yager.
How do I spot a frenemy?
Dr Yager uses the concept of pseudo-friends – people you think are your friends, but don’t actually exude any qualities of a true friendship. She breaks them into two categories, foul weather and fair weather friends. The foul weather friend is only happy when you’re not. Maybe you had a messy break up and all of a sudden one of your long lost buddies appeared, only to disappear and get nasty as soon as you started to get your mojo back? That’s a typical example of a foul weather friend.
The fair weather type is only around when things are going well for you, but disappears whenever times are tough and you need her most. They’re around for the fun times, not the long times…
These are the friends that are most likely to be the frenemies within your life. These pseudo-friends lack the qualities of real friendships. A genuine friendship is reciprocal, but as you’ll know, these types are totally one sided. Before you write off your friend as a frenemy ask yourself a few honest questions. In When Friendship Hurts, Dr Yager recommends that you think about whether you’re too demanding on your friends and if your expectations are too unrealistic.
Dr Yager warns that the frenemies concept is complicated. “Sometimes genuine friendship can be mislabelled in to the frenemies categories. It really does depend on different people’s perceptions.” For example, maybe your friend tells you that your man is a self-obsessed idiot who doesn’t care about you. She might be telling you this because she genuinely wants better for you, however you could misinterpret this as her trying to sabotage your relationship and being plain harsh and rude.
How do I deal with or avoid a frenemy?
A friend can turn into a frenemy for any number of random, unexplainable reasons; however Dr Yager says the classic reasons are usually to do with betrayal, and generally those of the sexual, romantic and confidence kind.
Be clear on what is and isn’t a secret with your friends, so that they know what they can and can’t tell other people. Dr Yager says it’s also important to be realistic about who your friends will tell. “I tell my husband everything, and my friends know that if they tell me something I can’t promise I won’t also tell him.” Hands up who’s ever told a boyfriend a secret that swore they wouldn’t tell anybody?!
The Friendship Oath
To get over this very sticky bump, Dr Yager has created ‘The Friendship Oath’. Just like sharing vows when you get married, this is a sort of friendship contract. It gives honest and clear guidelines on what is and what's not acceptable. Dr Yager says that when she created it, she flipped all the negatives of an unhealthy friendship in to positives. It’s a great way to figure out what kind of healthy friendship you strive for, and can also help you to pinpoint where you're going wrong. Check it out for yourself below...
*By accepting the responsibility of being your friend, I promise to be honest and trustworthy. I will try to work out any differences or conflicts that we may have and will try to put the time and effort into our friendship that it requires.
I know we both have work (or school), family and personal obligations, and we will respect each other’s relationships and commitments, but I will also be committed to this friendship. I will try to only give advice if it’s asked for and I will also try to be your friend unconditionally.
I will keep your confidences. However, I will also share with you if it is my policy to never keep anything from my spouse or any other primary relationship with whom I entrust all my secrets. I will try to remember your birthday and be there for you when times are tough and when times are grand.
Making time to talk, communicate by mail or email, or getting together is a priority. I will celebrate your achievements even though I know a tiny bit of envy or competitiveness is normal. I will bring fun and joy to your life as much as I am able to as I cherish our past, present and future friendship.
So whether you are the victim or a frenemy or the big bad wolf – ask yourself whether your friendship is really worth continuing. If so, try and rebuild it in to a healthy, reciprocal one following the Friendship Oath. I also recommend reading When Friendship Hurts for a more comprehensive guide on how to deal with frenemies. If you don’t think the friendship is worth continuing, make sure you end it with tact and care - you don't want to end up with an arch enemy a la Heidi and Lauren from The Hills... eeekkk!
After all, friendships are some of the most important relationships in our lives. “You need to be able to cultivate friends. The ability to have, keep and make friends is vital,” says Dr Yager. We couldn’t agree more!
http://www.nzgirl.co.nz/articles/10309
HOW TO DITCH A FRENEMY
Instructions
Step 1
Get clear. Do you want to loose this person from your life completely or simply put a lager buffer around your relationship? Sometimes frenemies can be turned into friends. Other times attempts to at such relationship repositioning are futile.
Step 2
Affirm what you deserve. You deserve peace, joy and respect within your relationships. You deserve friendships that are clear and dependable. You deserve to be inspired, uplifted, motivated and encouraged. You deserve to give and receive love. You deserve to rid your life of people who bring out the worst in you.
Step 3
Summon bravery. It can be daunting to break old patterns, end lifeless relationships and expose yourself to the unknown. Trust that you can do it. You are brave and strong.
Step 4
Let honesty reign. Stop making accommodations for behavior that demoralizes, embarrasses or just downright angers you. If you his jokes are tasteless, stop laughing. If you find her comments hurtful, stick up for yourself. Frenemiships flourish in dishonest, suppressed environments. If you want to rid yourself of this toxic relationship, you must be straight with your emotions.
Step 5
Be aloof. Don't return phone calls. Stop getting caught up in the details of your frenemy's life. Keep your responses neutral and slightly cool. Begin creating distance by pulling back the amount of emotional and physical energy you put into this relationship.
Step 6
Save the drama for your mama. Stay out of the ring. Hold back the insulting jabs. Keep your inner gossipmonger under lock and key. Just because you're ready to end this relationship, doesn't mean you need to build a fighting case against your frenemy. Let things end quietly.
Step 7
Squash guilt. Sometimes relationships flourish, sometimes they deteriorate. We aren't meant to be BFF with everybody. Chances are that if you're ready to break ties with your frenemy, then your frenemy is probably feeling the same. No need to lay a guilt trip on yourself. And no need to lay blame on your frenemy either.
Step 8
Honor what the relationship taught and brought you. You got something from this relationship no doubt. Acknowledge what you've learned and vow to take those lessons into the future.
Step 9
Open yourself to new possibilities. When you eliminate an unhealthy relationship you create the emotional and physical space needed to build a new, healthier relationship. Keep your eyes and heart open, awaiting your new beginning.
http://www.ehow.co.uk/how_2243073_ditch-a-frenemy.html?cr=1
Is Your Friend Really a "Frenemy"?
Is your so-called friend really a "Frenemy"--a malicious person who subtly puts you down?
If you suspect the answer is yes, it's time to learn the signs and ditch that frenemy fast.
by eHarmony Staff
In the worlds of dating, personal success and self-esteem, our close friends are our bedrock. They give us a foundation of acceptance and advice, a solid base from which we can build ourselves into the people we want to become. But if we choose our friends poorly, their bad intentions can nibble away at our self-esteem like termites on a floorboard. Look around you – is that friend who’s hanging out at your house using you emotionally to make herself feel better? Is she a true friend or a “frenemy”?
Is she Complimenting you or Keeping you in your Place?
The hard thing about spotting frenemies is that they usually don’t intend to hurt you. They just want to boost their own egos and feel superior. And the best way to do that is to make someone else, namely you, toe the line just behind where they want to be standing. A frenemy, therefore, uses compliments that have a demeaning subtext. Be wary if your friend gives you backhanded compliments like these:
“Those boots look pretty good for someone with your build.”
“He seems much better than the guys you normally attract.”
“If I were you, I’d be very happy to get flowers!”
These so-called compliments are a frenemy’s way of letting you know that she has lower standards for you than she has for herself. And that can be worse for your self-esteem than any putdown from a known enemy.
A frenemy will make constant suggestions that seem helpful, but she really only makes them to buttress her sense of self-superiority. When it comes to clothes, she may suggest that you wear something, and then smirk and say that she’d never wear something like that herself. When it comes to dating, a frenemy may constantly encourage you to date guys or gals who are really wrong for you or whom you may not even find attractive or interesting. Your frenemy may hint that the person you have the hots for would never stoop to dating someone like you. Whatever they say, frenemies tend to talk to you in ways that chip away at your self-esteem.
Is She Helping You Edit Your Best Self or Rewriting Your Best Traits?
Now, not all criticisms are bad. One of the great things about friends is that we can reveal ourselves to them, warts and all, and expect some positive feedback.
Sure, sometimes our little quirks may annoy our friends to death, and vice versa! But friends accept us for who we are and try to help us anyway. If we ride in the rodeo, they’ll tell us which lariat works best with our silver spurs. If we play Dungeons and Dragons, they always want us to roll a 12 on our 12-sided die, even if they tell us not to talk about elves so much in public.
They care about us and want us to make a great first (and second impression) on the people we’re dating, while still making sure we’re true to our wonderful, lovable selves.
A frenemy, on the other hand, might see a success in your personal life as an affront to her. If she chooses not to go bicycling with you, and you wind up meeting a great guy who’s into 10-speeds and actually looks good in bike shorts, in her mind, that means he’s a loser. She’ll probably let you know in no uncertain terms how ridiculous she finds your new beau and your biking hobby, in general, all the while trying to drag you to her favorite activities and negating what you want to do. Her words are coming from a place of jealousy and self-doubt. Your successes seem to prove that she’s not really a step ahead of you and that she doesn’t really have all the answers. To correct this, she’ll try to get you feeling bad about yourself so that she can corral you back into line behind her.
So watch out if you find your friend attacking you for the things you love about yourself the most. A friend who tells you which Foghat T-shirt looks the least geeky is a true friend, but the friend who tells you that your taste in shirts and bands is passé may be trying to put you down to bolster her own self-worth. And that’s not a friend you can count on.
What You Say About Her Says It All
Unfortunately, the friend vs. frenemy debate is not a hard-and-fast comparison. Most of our friends are going to have cranky days once in a while. But most of the time, we should find their imperfections endearing. The fact that Danny always spills his drink everywhere and Suzy sings R.E.M. songs at her desk may annoy us. But even when we complain, we’ve got big grins on our faces.
Not so with frenemies. If you feel devastated after a phone call with her, that’s a bad sign. If you’re talking with other friends and find yourself constantly complaining about the way a certain friend talks to you,” or worse, constantly asking your other friends for reassurance about doubts in your mind planted by that friend, then you may be in a toxic relationship that is holding you back from being at your best.
Next time your friend calls to come over or do something with you, after you hang up the phone, think about what you’d say if you had people over to talk with. Is your impulse to cheer that your friend is going to spend time with you? Or do you want to open the window and scream, “Why does Lucinda talk to me like that?” Know the signs and make sure that you don’t let yourself get bogged down by spies in the house of friendship.
Are some of your friends “frenemies”? Are there other things friends can do besides the ones listed here to wind up in your frenemy zone? And are those friendships salvageable? Let us know your thoughts and experiences from your own friendships.
http://advice.yahoo.eharmony.com.au/?page=articles/view&AID=2087&start=2