Stegura
01-10-2009, 10:38 PM
I wrote a review for this film on Skadi awhile back. Saw it again of HBO on demand, so I feel impelled to write a second review.
The film was a steaming pile of crap.
It must be said first: Anyone looking for a historically accurate prehistoric drama should look elsewhere, because this is stupid Hollywierd flick which goes all the way with pyramids being built by Egyptians ruled by an evil Nordic god king at least 7,000 years before the oldest known pyramids had existed and had domesticated horses at least 5,000 years prior to what we currently know. In addition to sailing around in ships with sails, they also fought with swords, and steel tipped spears more then 8,000 years before steel was invented.
So the whole film is told in narrarative perspective telling us that this is the "story of blue eyes" and some other mystical garbage. It's obvious that "10,000 BC" is a bad ripoff of Apocalypto. Which is to say, it's the tale of a small-town hunter-gatherer boy whose woman is stolen by the bad guys from the big city full of pyramids and priests with weird makeup and strange fingernails.
In a craptacular performance which would've made Keanu Reeves or Hayden Christensen seem Oscar worthy, "10,000 B.C." traces the growth of a humble young mammoth hunter D'leh (Steven Strait) and his lover Evolet (Camille Belle).
Despite living in a very remote isolated mountain village (the Central European Alps or the Caucasus?), D'leh's Yagahl tribe is somehow a racial melting pot with Whites, mestizos, mongoloids, semites, eurasians, and mullatos all living side by side in peace and harmony.
Soon D'leh must travel to the south when a bunch of people from his tribe are taken prisoners by "the four legged demons", wild men who somehow managed to domesticate the horse thousands of years before everybody else did. Among the people taken is D'leh's darling, Evolet (using very fake blue contacts) who is the last member of a mysterious "blue eyed" people who were all killed by the four legged demons.
So D'leh takes off in pursuit of the four legged demons. After a pursuit of what seemed like only a few days, D'leh is already out of the mountains. Suddenly, D'leh finds himself in some tropical jungle full of bamboo trees and some very fake looking meat-eating ostriches.
After escaping from the killer ostriches D'leh soon finds himself in the mysterious steppes of sub-Saharan Africa where he will tell a trapped saber tooth tiger not to eat him once he frees it from its trap.
So after the saber-tooth tiger decides not to eat him, D'leh encounters a tribe of African villagers. Like their real life counterparts, the tribe of negroes is angry about some cracker breaking in on their crib so they think it's fair to gang up against D'leh and his mate, a superior hunter (played by the Maori actor Cliff Curtis) called Tic-Tac. But then the freed saber tooth of before comes out of nowhere and shows D'leh some "respect", and you know how negroes feel about "respect", so they decide to spare the lives D'leh and Tic-tac.
Turns out the smartest African villager speaks American English too and he tells D'leh he's the one who will liberate his negro people as foretold by prophecy. D'leh gangs up with the negroes and gathers plenty of other negroes from other tribes as he goes around until he reaches "the mountain of the gods" which is in fact a pyramid under construction.
So D'leh gangs up with the negroes and they all cross the Saharan desert together and they encounter the city of the gods. A city full of Turkish/Middle Eastern looking slave dealers who use mammoths (who mysteriously don't succumb to the desert heat) and negroes for labor in order to build massive pyramids for their evil Nordic god King!
Pyramids? Steel? Domestication of horses? Ships with sails? Hell they just should've called this movie 2,000 B.C.!
The director then realized he was running out of time and needed to wrap stuff up, so D'leh organizes a rebellion amongst the free and enslaved negroes and before you know it, all the negros chimp out in a massive bongo party. There are some aerial shots showing the negros rampaging and for a moment there I thought it was like the L.A. race riots of 1992, but in Egypt!
The evil Nordic pharaoh then threatens to kill the blue eyed girl if D'leh doesn't back off, but he impales his cracker ass with a spear! So the Pharoh tumbles down the steps and his cloak falls off revealing his pinkish-pale complexion, blue eyes, and blonde hair to the crowd. More TNB behavior follows and the movie ends with D'leh and his negro friend showing affection for each other in a manner that I can describe as mildly homo erotic.
The negro tribes then depart but not before they give D'leh crop seeds and teach his multicultural Yagahl tribe how to farm at the end of the movie.
--Also of note: Back in the year 10,000 BC, being a beautiful blue eyed White woman surrounded by thousands of enslaved negros did not guarantee an invitation to mass rape.
It's hard to believe that this movie was actually #1 at the box office for 2 weeks. Well, considering how the American "general public" is borderline retarded I'm not that surprised since this film probably counts as history credits for today's youth.
Conclusion: Watch it if you want to see the CGI mammoths, and laugh out loud to the poor dialogue, cardboard actors, and the massive amount of historical inaccuracies.
Overall, I give the film One and a half out of four watermelons! :thumb001:
The film was a steaming pile of crap.
It must be said first: Anyone looking for a historically accurate prehistoric drama should look elsewhere, because this is stupid Hollywierd flick which goes all the way with pyramids being built by Egyptians ruled by an evil Nordic god king at least 7,000 years before the oldest known pyramids had existed and had domesticated horses at least 5,000 years prior to what we currently know. In addition to sailing around in ships with sails, they also fought with swords, and steel tipped spears more then 8,000 years before steel was invented.
So the whole film is told in narrarative perspective telling us that this is the "story of blue eyes" and some other mystical garbage. It's obvious that "10,000 BC" is a bad ripoff of Apocalypto. Which is to say, it's the tale of a small-town hunter-gatherer boy whose woman is stolen by the bad guys from the big city full of pyramids and priests with weird makeup and strange fingernails.
In a craptacular performance which would've made Keanu Reeves or Hayden Christensen seem Oscar worthy, "10,000 B.C." traces the growth of a humble young mammoth hunter D'leh (Steven Strait) and his lover Evolet (Camille Belle).
Despite living in a very remote isolated mountain village (the Central European Alps or the Caucasus?), D'leh's Yagahl tribe is somehow a racial melting pot with Whites, mestizos, mongoloids, semites, eurasians, and mullatos all living side by side in peace and harmony.
Soon D'leh must travel to the south when a bunch of people from his tribe are taken prisoners by "the four legged demons", wild men who somehow managed to domesticate the horse thousands of years before everybody else did. Among the people taken is D'leh's darling, Evolet (using very fake blue contacts) who is the last member of a mysterious "blue eyed" people who were all killed by the four legged demons.
So D'leh takes off in pursuit of the four legged demons. After a pursuit of what seemed like only a few days, D'leh is already out of the mountains. Suddenly, D'leh finds himself in some tropical jungle full of bamboo trees and some very fake looking meat-eating ostriches.
After escaping from the killer ostriches D'leh soon finds himself in the mysterious steppes of sub-Saharan Africa where he will tell a trapped saber tooth tiger not to eat him once he frees it from its trap.
So after the saber-tooth tiger decides not to eat him, D'leh encounters a tribe of African villagers. Like their real life counterparts, the tribe of negroes is angry about some cracker breaking in on their crib so they think it's fair to gang up against D'leh and his mate, a superior hunter (played by the Maori actor Cliff Curtis) called Tic-Tac. But then the freed saber tooth of before comes out of nowhere and shows D'leh some "respect", and you know how negroes feel about "respect", so they decide to spare the lives D'leh and Tic-tac.
Turns out the smartest African villager speaks American English too and he tells D'leh he's the one who will liberate his negro people as foretold by prophecy. D'leh gangs up with the negroes and gathers plenty of other negroes from other tribes as he goes around until he reaches "the mountain of the gods" which is in fact a pyramid under construction.
So D'leh gangs up with the negroes and they all cross the Saharan desert together and they encounter the city of the gods. A city full of Turkish/Middle Eastern looking slave dealers who use mammoths (who mysteriously don't succumb to the desert heat) and negroes for labor in order to build massive pyramids for their evil Nordic god King!
Pyramids? Steel? Domestication of horses? Ships with sails? Hell they just should've called this movie 2,000 B.C.!
The director then realized he was running out of time and needed to wrap stuff up, so D'leh organizes a rebellion amongst the free and enslaved negroes and before you know it, all the negros chimp out in a massive bongo party. There are some aerial shots showing the negros rampaging and for a moment there I thought it was like the L.A. race riots of 1992, but in Egypt!
The evil Nordic pharaoh then threatens to kill the blue eyed girl if D'leh doesn't back off, but he impales his cracker ass with a spear! So the Pharoh tumbles down the steps and his cloak falls off revealing his pinkish-pale complexion, blue eyes, and blonde hair to the crowd. More TNB behavior follows and the movie ends with D'leh and his negro friend showing affection for each other in a manner that I can describe as mildly homo erotic.
The negro tribes then depart but not before they give D'leh crop seeds and teach his multicultural Yagahl tribe how to farm at the end of the movie.
--Also of note: Back in the year 10,000 BC, being a beautiful blue eyed White woman surrounded by thousands of enslaved negros did not guarantee an invitation to mass rape.
It's hard to believe that this movie was actually #1 at the box office for 2 weeks. Well, considering how the American "general public" is borderline retarded I'm not that surprised since this film probably counts as history credits for today's youth.
Conclusion: Watch it if you want to see the CGI mammoths, and laugh out loud to the poor dialogue, cardboard actors, and the massive amount of historical inaccuracies.
Overall, I give the film One and a half out of four watermelons! :thumb001: