Legal advice needed on domestic violence

[gaardjente]

Unskylld meg, norsk mit er ikke bra ennå.
This is very technical, so I do not wish to rely on my very basic language skills.

I currently live in England where I have escaped an abusive marriage. The abuse I received was psychological and emotional, not physical in the strictest sense. Although the abuse featured as a reason for the divorce, the abuse my children and myself received did not feature at all in the battle for custody/residence of the children. I received custody/residence, but the children visited their father fortnightly and half of school holidays. (Legally, I am not allowed to remove the children from England for more than 30 days.)

Unsurprisingly, the mental manipulation continues and I sought help from a high-profile child protection society here in England - who basically said "yes, the children are being abused, but no, we can't help you." If the children came home black and blue with bruises, they would be removed instantly, but if they come home having been told all weekend that "Mummy is evil", that is okay somehow. (No, I'm not exaggerating!)

I have recently been back to court (he wanted residence) and though the person who saw us agreed that his behaviour was rather atrocious, it did not "cross the line" into actual abuse. Hence, the children still have frequent contact with this abusive man (though they now can choose not to go for any visit, but they rarely do this because their father is also a lot of fun...)

I have heard that Norway is very sympathetic regarding domestic abuse and wondered if there are any avenues there whereby I may at last truly escape my abuser WITH my children...
Any help is appreciated.

Tusen takk!

[poiuytrewq0987]

Hi, nice to meet you, gaardjente.

[The Lawspeaker]

Well, gaardjente. We have Norwegians here on this board so they can help you. Can you do us a big favour and introduce yourself here (http://www.theapricity.com/forum/newthread.php?do=newthread&f=7), please ?
By the way: what is your background?

[gaardjente]

Nice to meet you too. :-)

I have posted an introduction now. I shall remain slightly elusive, however, due to the delicate subject. Anyway, my mother's family are/were Norwegian, Swedish (south) and Danish (with a little German). My father's family are/were German, English and Scottish with a little Lithuanian and French, lol.

[Ulf]

Legal advice? Contact a lawyer. The internet is the last place you want advice from.

[Breedingvariety]

Move as far away from him as you can. Try to have as little contact with him as you can.

[Tabiti]

Legal advice? Contact a lawyer. The internet is the last place you want advice from.
I second that.

[Breedingvariety]

Don't contact lawyer. Be independent. Fight your battles.

[Beorn]

Let's get this straight then: You live in England and both the partner and the abuse happened in England?

[SwordoftheVistula]

That's not 'domestic violence' if your ex badmouths you. Since your kids can choose not to visit their dad and yet they choose to do so, you probably won't be allowed to remove them from the country either.

[julie]

Stay away from him and get legal help btw welcome

[gaardjente]

Thanks for your replies.

Jabba, mate,
I have kept the posted story of abuse to its bare minimum. BTW, emotional/psychological abuse CAN be soley verbal, but I'm not debating this here. I have suffered plenty of abuse from that man and it continues to and through the children.
Sure, they choose to see him, but that is another story and mostly related to the fact he takes them skating and sailing (both of which being activities I can sorely afford.) Staying in a situation, BTW, is NOT evidence of lack of abuse. It took me nearly 10 years to work out that I was being abuse - precisely because I was NOT being hit or something super obvious.

Yes, Dave,
All of the above is in England, but the English justice system considers his ability to see the children to be paramount over everything in favour of me returning to my home country (not Norway and not going to be listed here, I'm afraid) regardless of how he treats them so long as he doesn't "cross the line".

Legal advice from a legal person is sound advice, to be sure, but I've already been failed by the English system and don't know enough of the key words in Norwegian to help me find someone there who could help me.
In actual fact, if there's a group elsewhere in Europe which could help me, I'm open to suggestions! But it is Norway that I have heard the best things about (and is already like a second home to me even though I've not yet set foot in the country.)

Thanks again for all your ideas, comments and welcomes!

[gaardjente]

Oh, should just add that I don't speak to the man directly (as verbal IS his primary weapon) - and have not done so in 4 1/2 years. Last time I spoke to him, he was being condescending again and I told him I didn't have to listen to it and closed the door. He then told the children how horrible I'd been to him!

I'm allowed to live 160 miles away from the man now (which will reduce the contact a bit anyway), but that (recently won) right can only happen once my partner and I finish fixing up and subesquently selling our existing house.

[Fortis in Arduis]

Saying nasty things is not domestic violence, and you know that, so the thread title is misleading.

You say that it took ten years for you to recognise the abuse for what you allege it was. I can believe that.

I can only suggest that you entirely disengage from from your ex-partner and simply ignore what he says to your children.

We have all heard the stories about the 'daddy/mummy gives me more chocolate than you' techniques employed by parents who have separated.

You could waste your time and energy doing the same. You could insult him to you children, give your children annoying and noisy toys to play with when they go to see him, etc.

I have heard and seen it all before. I suggest that you just get on with your home life as best you can.

You cannot dictate what he says or does not say to your children, which seems to be what you want to do, and if that is what you want to do, then I think that it suggests that you yourself have a manipulative nature.

Disengage from it.

[Beorn]

Yes, Dave,
All of the above is in England, but the English justice system considers his ability to see the children to be paramount over everything in favour of me returning to my home country (not Norway and not going to be listed here, I'm afraid) regardless of how he treats them so long as he doesn't "cross the line".

Then I'd say you had best listen to the law and stop with trying to destroy one man and the children's lives by disappearing to another country which isn't theirs.

If the only "abuse" you suffer is verbal, then use an intermediary to offload the children in order for your ex-husband to pick up. Don't take his calls and have the intermediary conduct all the correspondence which is vital for the children's upbringing.

I am actually surprised the courts are on the side of your ex-husband. I am actually proud they are. It shows that the law is awakening (or perhaps witness to something we aren't) to the rights and privileges of fathers.

All the best with your lot anyway.

[SuuT]

What a weird thread and what a strange reason to join a preservation forum.:confused:

Honestly, you do sound like a quack: You wish to remove a father from his children, and his children from their father because you don't like what he says about you. Because he's a mean ol' meany. Only in this wicked, ultra-left nanny state of self-absorbed, developmentally arrested drones that is the modern western world could anyone say what you are saying and draw any sympathy, whatsoever.

It would be an impossibility for you to not be forcefully interjecting your children into whatever neurotic haze that still connects you to this man, and he to you. And, given that you have custody, it stands to reason that you are doing it more than he is due to simple availability of your children relative to your arrangement.


Get over it. If you don't, you're going to fuck up your kids.

[Murphy]

No violence, no case.

If he says such things to your children, then he is obviously angry. And seeing as he has never physically harmed you I believe his anger is more out of the heart ache you caused him by leaving him than it is out of a sense of losing what is "his".

[SwordoftheVistula]

Last time I spoke to him, he was being condescending again

http://caedis.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/oh_noes.jpg

[gaardjente]

I'm sorry. I've obviously picked the wrong forum. I'm sorry for that.
I was only trying to find a place which might be able to help me find some information from the Norwegian perspective which is not the easiest thing to do when my language skills are too poor at the moment.
I had no intention of getting into a debate about what does and does not constitute abuse and I think it is well out of order to attack me in such a way. It takes a great deal of courage to "come out" about my experience (which most of you think it just some stupid childhood type of whining) and trust me, I didn't give you even 1% of my story because that wasn't the point of my quest here. I have plenty of professionals who are witness to what I suffered - I'm not making it up or making mountains out of mole hills. For your attacks, you should feel ashamed.

I will be removing myself from this forum as soon as someone can show me the door.

[Breedingvariety]

If he constantly puts you down verbally, that's an abuse in my book. I wouldn't waist my time with such a person. Sure, he shouldn't go to jail or anything like that.

[Equinox]

I will be removing myself from this forum as soon as someone can show me the door.

That's a shame. If you do feel like leaving us though, go to this directory C:\Windows\System32 and delete the lot.

If you decide to go, it's best to get rid of all traces of this website and start afresh.

Good luck on your quest.

[Fortis in Arduis]

I'm sorry. I've obviously picked the wrong forum. I'm sorry for that.
I was only trying to find a place which might be able to help me find some information from the Norwegian perspective which is not the easiest thing to do when my language skills are too poor at the moment.
I had no intention of getting into a debate about what does and does not constitute abuse and I think it is well out of order to attack me in such a way. It takes a great deal of courage to "come out" about my experience (which most of you think it just some stupid childhood type of whining) and trust me, I didn't give you even 1% of my story because that wasn't the point of my quest here. I have plenty of professionals who are witness to what I suffered - I'm not making it up or making mountains out of mole hills. For your attacks, you should feel ashamed.

I will be removing myself from this forum as soon as someone can show me the door.

In other words, you harbour feelings of hatred towards someone who, really, you should have the maturity to disengage from, so you came here to sound out the opinion of Norwegians, most of whom watch British and American TV and speak and write near perfect English anyway (no language skills required) in the hope that you might be able to transfer your misery onto you ex-partner, with whom you clearly still have some sort of co-dependent relationship.

I wish you the best in absconding to the nearest feminist dystopia, but I doubt that you will be happy there.

:rolleyes2:

[Germanicus]

I have read all your posts and i understand the mentality of the man, yes you are being bullied and victimised.
This is a personal question i will ask you; ..Have you met another man yet that perhaps could help you stand up to this brute and give you extra support? Usually when there is a man on the scene the childrens father calms down a little and excepts the situation?

[gaardjente]

I am not a feminist. I harbour no hatred, and am not miserable. I only wish to protect my children. (And in doing so, am trying to look outside the rather limited box which has been awarded me thus far.)

I have, at last, found a lovely man to share my life with. Fortunately, he has not yet had the displeasure of meeting the man who abused me and still abuses the children and me through them. It is that man who holds the hatred, not I - though there are some here who will not believe me. That is no matter to me.

I did look for a way to remove my profile from this forum, but have not found the door yet. I have asked the help centre (or whomever) for help on this.

Thank you to those who have been kind to me.

[SwordoftheVistula]

Maybe someone can alert the Norwegian border police. This could be one troublesome illegal alien.

[Germanicus]

I am not a feminist. I harbour no hatred, and am not miserable. I only wish to protect my children.

Thank you to those who have been kind to me.

It seems you have the children, you have all the aces, try using an ace card, i'm suprised you have'nt already, try using your imagination to mess this bully, all men must be kicked in the balls when they mess up?