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Beorn
01-29-2009, 12:40 AM
The 5 Most Terrifying Civilizations In The History of the World


By Neal Nicholson (http://www.cracked.com/members/SirTupper)

http://cdn-i.dmdentertainment.com/funpages/cms_content/16972/badass_large.jpg

They say that those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it, so pay attention for Christ's sake. It turns out that many of our ancestors achieved levels of violence that take them right out of the realm of "badass" and into the less cool area of ball-shriveling atrocity.
These are the civilizations you don't want to face during, say, your next time travel adventure. And yes, the Spartans are down there.

#5. The Celts


http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/dan/badass_civs/celts.jpg

History is kind of spotty on the Celts (they never wrote anything down, and many of the witnesses died brutally) but what facts survived confirm one thing: They had gigantic Celtic balls.
First of all, they had a thing for severed heads (http://www.mandrake-press.co.uk/Definitions/celtic.html). After a long and trying battle they'd all unwind at the end of the day by collecting a few souvenir heads. Then they'd bring them home and decorate the house with them. So the average Celt home probably looked like a hunter's trophy room, crossed with the scene at the end of Halloween when all the mutilated bodies start popping up around every corner. Sweet dreams kids!

http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/dan/badass_civs/celts2.jpg
If they felt that yours was a head of particular importance, they'd embalm it and whip it out at parties to brag about how awesome they were. When they were alone they'd probably wiggle your jaw around and pretend you were complimenting them.
The reason for all of these head-chopping-good-times was that the Celts believed that the head held the soul, and so if you cut a dead guy's head off before all of that juicy soul leaked out of it, it was yours. A finders-keepers sort of deal, you might say.




So, Were They Really So Bad?
Hey, remember Braveheart? And how batshit insane Wallace's army looked with their faces painted blue?

http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/dan/badass_civs/celts4.jpg
Well, the Celts would sometimes paint themselves blue and fight completely naked. Just because. One would assume that fighting in the nude would present some rather sensitive targets to one's enemies (we're talking about their nuts), but it seems that the Celts were so frigging manly that they just didn't care. It was the ultimate insult: "I am not afraid of you, and to prove it, I have just laid my dong on your sword."


#4. The Aztecs


http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/dan/badass_civs/aztecs.jpg
You remember Temple of Doom, and how that unfortunate gentleman had his heart ripped out right before they dropped him down the lava hole? Well, picture lots of that, only this time mom isn't around to turn off the VCR and stop your crying. That's the Aztecs.
The Aztecs believed that for every 52 years that passed, the world would end unless the gods were strong enough. And, as is common knowledge, the best way to toughen up a god is with a steady stream of constant human sacrifice (along with a dash of cannibalism, just for good measure).

http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/dan/badass_civs/aztecs3.jpg
Most of the sacrificing went towards keeping their Sun god happy, and it took place on top of giant pyramid, so at least the view was probably pretty good. Then they'd hold you down, saw through your ribs and take out your heart (which was likely still beating). Then, as if things couldn't get any worse, they'd throw you down the staircase.
So, Were They Really So Bad?
Yes. Yes they were. Did we mention the cannibalism (http://www.plu.edu/%7Earnoldwp/motivation-cannibalism/home.html)? After they removed your heart and threw you down the stairs, they'd eat your arms and thighs, and whatever other bits looked tasty (the nuts? We do not know).
Some historians think that nourishment was the main reason behind all of this willy-nilly human sacrifice, as the Aztecs had no domesticated animals to slaughter, and as such their diet was low in fat and animal-stuff. You know how it is if you've ever had a roommate try a vegetarian diet. It's just a matter of time until you start waking up with teeth marks on your extremities.
And that's not even the bad part. The Aztecs held themselves to a high standard and for every situation they asked, "Could we make this more gut-wrenchingly gruesome?" So, for instance, during the sacrifice to the fire god, a newly-wed couple would be tossed into, you guessed it, a fire. Then, right before they finally died (from their horrendous burns), they'd drag them out, flesh still smoking, and dig out their hearts.

http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/dan/badass_civs/aztecs2.jpg
Wait, it gets better! There was the offering to the earth goddess, which involved a young woman's skin being removed and worn around like a Silence of the Lambs-style serial killer flesh suit (http://www.mnsu.edu/emuseum/prehistory/latinamerica/topics/human_scacrifice.html).
On one hand you might ask why none of the Aztecs thought this was odd. On the other hand, if somebody had an objection to the ceremonies we're guessing they kept that shit to themselves.


#3. The Assyrians


http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/dan/badass_civs/assyrians.jpg
The thing about the Assyrians is that they were basically the ancient Mesopotamian equivalent to that loveable team of underdogs in every sports movie. They had a lot of spunk and a can-do attitude, but, try as they might, they just couldn't seem to make it into the big leagues.
Luckily for them (and unluckily for everyone else), just as that loveable sports team will sooner or later stumble upon secret weapon, a magic dog with an unusual aptitude for kicking field goals perhaps, after a couple of hundred years of being constantly harassed by more powerful nations, the Assyrians came across their own secret weapon. No, it wasn't Emilio Estevez, but it was nearly as powerful.



It was iron. The Assyrians were the first people to start using iron weapons instead of bronze which, to put into a modern perspective, is sort of like showing up for a knife fight with the Death Star. Using iron made the Assyrians so near-invincible that, really, the other guys might as well have been swinging around bananas.
So, Were They Really So Bad?
Well, in a word, yes (http://www.allempires.com/empires/assyria/assyria1.htm). Here's a cheery little quote from King Ashurnasirpal, who spent much of his spare time baking cherry pies for the homeless and teaching the neighborhood kids how to correctly adjust their bike helmets:
"I built a pillar over against his city gate, and I flayed all the chief men who had revolted, and I covered the pillar with their skins; some I walled up within the pillar, some I impaled upon the pillar on stakes, and others I bound to stakes round the about the pillar; many within the border of my own land I flayed, and I spread their skins upon the walls; and I cut off the limbs of the officers, of the royal officers who had rebelled."

http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/dan/badass_civs/assyrians3.jpg
"And then I was thinking about slap boxing with a lion, but only if there's time."

Ever have one of those days when you just wanted to get out of the house and flay somebody? Yep, you're probably a sociopath.
Sure, we understand that intimidation was how invading armies ended wars before they started, that this kind of psychological warfare was crucial for a conquering army. But reading that up there, we're pretty sure the Assyrians just enjoyed it.


#2. The Spartans


http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/dan/badass_civs/spartans.jpg
All it took was one movie, and now everybody knows the ancient Spartans weren't the kind of guys you'd want to invite to your fancy cheese-tasting party. They'd probably stumble in, mock you for not being a full-time member of the military, then impale all of your guests with spears. Not to mention they'd eat all your fancy cheeses.
And you know what? It wasn't just a movie. That thing at the beginning of 300 where they'd toss all imperfect babies off the cliff, letting them splatter on the rocks below? They really did that (http://www.channel4.com/history/microsites/H/history/n-s/spartans1.html). But first they would bathe the newborn in wine, to see if it was strong enough to survive. That's right; being a Spartan meant you had to handle your damned liquor right out of the damned womb.

http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/dan/badass_civs/spartans2.jpg
So, Were They Really So Bad?
Every single Spartan male was a soldier. Every other job was done by slaves; the Spartan men were warriors and that was that. They fought until they could finally retire at the age of 60 (about the equivalent of living to 400 years old today).
Of course if you lived to be that ripe old age, were a good father and scholar and all-around great guy, too bad. You didn't even get a headstone when you died, you didn't deserve it. The only Spartans who got marked headstones were the ones who died in battle (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sparta#Birth_and_death), during victory. Think you're a war hero? Well, if you're still alive that meant you still weren't hero enough for Sparta.

http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/dan/badass_civs/spartans3.jpg
Look at how alive they all are. Pathetic.

Oh, and if you lost your shield during battle, you got the death penalty (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sparta#Military_life). A true soldier would have gone back to get it, or died trying.
If we (or the movie) make them sound like heroes, well you have to know about those slaves we mentioned earlier. The Spartans beat their slaves... by law. We don't mean the law allowed them to beat the slaves, we mean the law required it (http://www.nationmaster.com/encyclopedia/Crypteia).
Things could get a lot worse for slaves, though. As a sort of coming of age holiday, there was an occasion every year upon which the young Spartan men were encouraged to sneak around and murder as many slaves as they could, without having to feel bad about it. If you didn't murder anybody, they probably called you gay.


#1. The Mongols


http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/dan/badass_civs/mongols.jpg
Here's the thing with the Mongols. See this stadium? That's 100,000 people there.
http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/dan/badass_civs/mongols2.jpg
Now imagine 400 of those stadiums, each full of people. Now imagine every single one of those people with grotesque stab wounds.
That's right; it is estimated that the Mongols--under Genghis Khan and others-- killed 40 million people (http://users.erols.com/mwhite28/warstat0.htm#Mongol%2040%20million).
With swords.
The Mongols ripped through the world like a lawnmower. They were like an army of Batman villains. Only Asian, and on horseback.

http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/dan/badass_civs/mongols3.jpg
Even the horses look pissed.

When the Mongols got in a conquesty mood, if your town happened to be in the way, you were, as they say, "shit out of luck." The Mongols would give you two choices, both of which thoroughly sucked. The first, and most practical, was to surrender and let them take whatever they wanted (which was pretty much everything, likely including your livelihood and all the women-folk). The second choice was to not surrender, and thus promptly watch your town burn to the ground. And your fields salted. Then, just to add another scoop of crap to an already crappy day, you'd be brutally murdered.
So, Were They Really So Bad?
During an invasion of India, a Mongolian general built a pyramid in front of the walls of Delhi out of human heads (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_warfare#The_Mongols). Are you picturing it? If so, are you picturing like two dozen heads there? Because this guy used 90,000 of them.
They, like the Celts, had a thing for severed heads. They liked to gather them up and catapult them inside the enemy's compound. They would also fling corpses infected with black death.


When they ran across pregnant women, they did... things (http://www.enotes.com/genocide-encyclopedia/mongol-conquests). Things we won't discuss here.

When you saw them coming, hey, you could shoot at them with your arrows and spears all you wanted. All you'd be doing is slaughtering the huge crowd of refugees (http://www.nationmaster.com/encyclopedia/Military-advances-of-Genghis-Khan) the Mongols forced to march ahead of them as human shields.



Source (http://www.cracked.com/article_16972_p2.html)

Vargtand
01-29-2009, 12:45 AM
And the Vikings did not make the List? Blasphemy.. Though it is a subjective list. One could argue that the Arabic societies of today are far more terrifying because they pose a current threat. I don't give much for list like this [though I am offended that my forefathers did not make the list]

Vulpix
01-29-2009, 08:12 AM
And the Vikings did not make the List? Blasphemy.. Though it is a subjective list. One could argue that the Arabic societies of today are far more terrifying because they pose a current threat. I don't give much for list like this [though I am offended that my forefathers did not make the list]

Same :(... Disappointing :p.

HawkR
01-29-2009, 08:18 AM
Well, think about it, where the Vikings truly that terrefying? Yes, they were feared, but also honoured, remember, they didn't just pilalge everything they came over and what tehy could, they were also travelers and merchants, it's the christianity which has made the Vikings so brutal.

SPQR
01-29-2009, 08:32 AM
lol silly Swedes

I thought the list was funny, though i could name a few more that should definately be on there. However, I'd have to agree with the creator of that list that the Mongols were the most terrifying, really unparalleled by anything past or present.

Loki
01-29-2009, 09:08 AM
It is interesting that in spite of this, Mongolia today is a sparsely populated, insignificant and mysterious country.

This may be due to the fact that the Mongols have overreached, and overstretched themselves -- their campaigns and conquests away from home have in fact weakened their own home country. We can draw a parallel with Europe's colonial history in this regard, and its future ...

Absinthe
01-29-2009, 09:45 AM
Brodir Loke, if you're interested in seeing what Mongolians are up to today you can check this link (http://www.horsebackarcherygr.com/dokimiMongolia.html) from a friend of mine's recent trip there ;)

It's in greek, but the pictures are *totally* worth it ;)

Funny text. I have my doubts about the 'bathing the infant in wine before throwing off the cliff' bit.

To my knowledge, the Spartans threw all malformed and frail infants off the cliff, regardless of their tolerance to alcohol :D

HawkR
01-29-2009, 10:03 AM
I will believe that all Civilazations killed their missformed, retarded and such kids of a cliff, or simply just killed them. This is because they didn't have time nor energy to take care of them since there was an all-consistent threat af attack.

Spartans have most-likely gotten the biggest attention because they were a warrior people, that was their "quest", so they had their rituals and stuff for finding out if the kid where capable of war.

Beorn
01-29-2009, 12:38 PM
I will believe that all Civilazations killed their missformed, retarded and such kids of a cliff, or simply just killed them.

Not particularly. The Celts had very sophisticated hospitals and laws of protection towards the ill and "malformed".

Gooding
01-29-2009, 01:10 PM
Who would've guessed? I knew that the Celts did try to draw power from the heads of conquered enemies, but to use a head as a party prop?That was definitely news to me.I imagine that if a Celt did put his schlong against a Viking blade, he'd find it cut off rather quickly..thus sparking a feud that could last centuries.I think that the Vikings do deserve a place on the list, as do the Celts.I'm kind of torn between the two...:) I like them both...

Beorn
01-29-2009, 02:29 PM
Who would've guessed? I knew that the Celts did try to draw power from the heads of conquered enemies, but to use a head as a party prop?That was definitely news to me.

The Celtic Cult of Headhunting (http://www.theapricity.com/forum/showthread.php?p=13036#post13036)

Lenny
01-29-2009, 05:09 PM
It is interesting that in spite of this, Mongolia today is a sparsely populated, insignificant and mysterious country.

This may be due to the fact that the Mongols have overreached, and overstretched themselves -- their campaigns and conquests away from home have in fact weakened their own home country. We can draw a parallel with Europe's colonial history in this regard, and its future ...Well the Mongols were never good at anything other than warfare (firing showers of arrows from a long range and moving very fast on horseback); they had nothing to offer other than mass death, slavery, and rape of conquered women.

All the Central Asian steppe peoples (but esp. the Mongols) were like a plague on the world; Europeans on the other hand improved the world dramatically in the past 500 years.

The analogy also breaks down in that Mongolians of today don't seem to be threatened with genetic obliteration in the next few centuries!

Beorn
01-29-2009, 05:18 PM
The analogy also breaks down in that Mongolians of today don't seem to be threatened with genetic obliteration in the next few centuries!

Try telling that to these (http://www.theapricity.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1675) Mongolians.

Pino
01-29-2009, 07:07 PM
Is that supposed to be some sort of name and shame list? Our ancestors would be proud to be on that list for taking absolutely no shit and holding themselfs high, The Vikings would probably slay you for leaving them off the list.

That said, none of these savage societies managed to drop Nuclear weapons killing 300,000 people and millions of un-born babies.

Rudy
01-29-2009, 07:51 PM
The Mongols were smart to turn around back to Asia before they reached the Germanic tribes, because they knew they would get spanked.

SPQR
01-29-2009, 08:10 PM
That said, none of these savage societies managed to drop Nuclear weapons killing 300,000 people and millions of un-born babies.

lol good one. Kinda forgot to take that into consideration.

YggsVinr
01-29-2009, 08:38 PM
The Mongols were smart to turn around back to Asia before they reached the Germanic tribes, because they knew they would get spanked.

Very unlikely ;) The Mongols' military at that time could have easily outdone any European army for similar reasons that the Seljuks were able to outmaneuver the Greek cataphracts, and they definitely proved themselves against European armies in battle as they did against the Teutonic Knights at the battle of Liegnitz in 1241. They would often send one small contingent ahead of the main force, and often would strap stuffed decoys on a horse's back to make the army look bigger than it actually was. Using such a distraction, the main force would come in from a different direction often shooting primitive grenades/smoke bombs that would cause confusion among the enemy forces, and would employ similar swarming tactics as the Seljuks, riding around the enemy on light horses, shooting a constant rain of arrows and slowly tightening in on the enemy. The reason European armies at the time had difficulty defeating the Mongols was because of the European love for a heavy cavalry charge, which did not possess the mobility to deal with as highly mobile a force as the Mongols.

Loki was right on what he said about their over expansion, though. Plus the Mongol's political system always required that the commanders of an army return to Mongolia to elect a new Khan, and as the army (assimilating non-Mongolians into the forces as they progressed) was left without their Mongolian general they were eventually ousted by the Mamluks (I believe it was?). Not to mention that their survival as a nomadic group depended on the availability of pastoral land. Snow was no problem since Mongolian horses could tunnel under snow to reach the vegetation below, but once they reached hotter, less grassy climates, things didn't look so good. Actually, the case of the Mongols is an excellent example of how multiculturalism does not work.

Overall, I think the Mongols would have been pretty terrifying and chaotic to face. But I'd definitely have put in the Norse as well, at the very least the berserks. Now that would have been a sight. The Germanic people as a whole should have been included, wasn't every day you came across an army that could annihilate three Roman legions without leaving a single one alive and conclude the ordeal by nailing the skulls of Roman legionnaires to trees, which is pretty damned epic if you ask me. Or the Heruli and Gothic forces who hurled the bodies of plague victims over the Athenian (was it Athens? I thought so) walls.

I honestly wouldn't have put the Aztecs on that list, though. They excelled in war among other native tribes, but they would have been mighty easy to defeat in battle by any European army of any era. Hell, that's why the Spanish conquered them so easily. The Aztec notions of war were far different than the European. First of all, obsidian swords mean immediate failure against any lighter weapon, second of all when you expect your enemy to simply take hostages and not kill anyone if they yield then there is double the failure.

Birka
01-29-2009, 11:44 PM
It was wrong to leave Germanic tribes whose very names are part of the language today. You had to be fairly authoritarianism when the very word "vandalism" is the legacy of your tribe. With a movement described with darkness and death is your legacy, I'd say the Goths and Visigoths were fairly bad-ass. When you called yourself a name based on your signature weapon, the saexe, the Saxons were certainly adept at using it.

Rudy
01-30-2009, 12:10 AM
The Mongols were running out of flat land to fight on, so their advantage ended in Hungary. From that area west, they would have more difficulty in the hills, forest, and swamp.

Similar to the Huns, the Mongols could make large sweeps, but did not have much staying power.

Can anyone top catapulting children?

Holy Roman Emperor Frederick Barbarossa, who ranks as one of Germany’s greatest historical and cultural heroes, best exemplified the use of terror in the West.
http://faroutliers.wordpress.com/2005/07/06/medieval-german-vs-mongol-shock-and-awe/


I always remember what happened to William Wallace after his capture by the English.

Following the trial, on 23 August 1305, Wallace was taken from the hall, stripped naked and dragged through the city at the heels of a horse to the Elms at Smithfield. He was hanged, drawn and quartered — strangled by hanging but released while still alive, emasculated, eviscerated and his bowels burnt before him, beheaded, then cut into four parts. His preserved head was placed on a pike atop London Bridge. It was later joined by the heads of the brothers, John and Simon Fraser. His limbs were displayed, separately, in Newcastle upon Tyne, Berwick-upon-Tweed, Stirling, and Aberdeen.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Wallace

Beorn
01-30-2009, 12:15 AM
Following the trial, on 23 August 1305, Wallace was taken from the hall, stripped naked and dragged through the city at the heels of a horse to the Elms at Smithfield. He was hanged, drawn and quartered — strangled by hanging but released while still alive, emasculated, eviscerated and his bowels burnt before him, beheaded, then cut into four parts. His preserved head was placed on a pike atop London Bridge. It was later joined by the heads of the brothers, John and Simon Fraser. His limbs were displayed, separately, in Newcastle upon Tyne, Berwick-upon-Tweed, Stirling, and Aberdeen.


There are a few Scots currently in power which should take heed to that too. ;)

Rudy
01-30-2009, 12:55 AM
Western Europe was tied up around 1241 with Crusades, and fighting with the Pope. The Mongols were not taken as seriously as they should have been by some rulers. The Mongols also had more difficulty taking the fortified locations.

Some western historians attribute European survival to Mongol unwillingness to fight in the more densely populated German principalities, where the wetter weather affected their bows. The territory of Western Europe, with more forests and with many castles along with many opportunities for the heavy cavalry to counter-attack possibly made Western Europe a more formidable opponent.
http://www.newworldencyclopedia.org/entry/Mongol_invasion_of_Europe

silver_surfer
12-09-2013, 01:04 PM
So the Mongols were the most badass civilization. Interesting!!