Lady L
02-24-2009, 12:34 AM
Become a Redneck in 25 Easy Steps: A Manual for Yuppies
" Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck?
Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn't know how?
Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified image, just hollerin' to get out?
Well, now you can become the redneck you have always wanted to be!
Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of beer. That is all you will need to start!
Now follow the 25 easy guidelines in our manual!
Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE.
1) We assume you are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is also assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black dress shoes and silk socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex. If you are not dressed like this, stop NOW and continue when you are.
FIRST, untie and remove high-and-mighty fancy executive shoes. Peel off socks. DO THIS NOW! Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so do not deceive yourself; this will be a challenge to a true yuppie executive. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you.
(Note: This will also work with Johnston & Murphy wingtips or those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.)
2) Stuff silk socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can.
3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail! You will be tempted to put them back on - resist this!
4) The following is guaranteed to help bring you off your high horse in a hurry, and into the redneck world! Trust us!
Prop bare feet on desk, with soles facing open office door. Do NOT remove feet from desk, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office.
Remove cufflinks and scratch soles of feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put cufflinks back on.
Use necktie to wipe nose.
Use tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt.
Eat lunch with knife only. Wipe dirty knife on otherwise spotless business suit.
5) Open can of beer. Drink rapidly and belch loudly. Practice! Dribble on business suit. Discarded dress socks may be used to wipe mouth.
6) Place tobacco in mouth; place in back of cheek. Practice spitting streams of tobacco juice on to computer screen, or on polished office floor, or on important presentation, or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit. Brooks Brothers shoes may also serve as spittoon.
Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! See Step #3.
7) Remove necktie, cufflinks, pocket square, tiepin, suspenders and Rolex. Drop all items in garbage can.
8) Strip off uppity expensive business suit, starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss in garbage can. Add briefcase, cell phone and day-timer. Cut up credit cards and throw away wallet.
9) Put on overalls.
10) Cancel subscriptions to Wall Street Journal and New York Times. Have cable disconnected.
11) If you have not already been fired, quit high-paying job and stop working altogether.
Alternative: become a garbage man or janitor or sling hash in a diner.
12) Make appointment with dentist. Have front teeth removed.
13) Make appointment with surgeon. Have all hair on top of head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back.
14) Shave ONLY twice a week. Be careful to leave stubble at all times.
15) Bathe twice a week.
16) Begin intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all "NG" endings from words - "havin" instead of "having". Learn to yelp and whoop and holler.
17) Sell Porsche.
18) Buy used pickup.
19) Sell condo.
20) Buy shotgun shack.
21) Give or throw away all remaining business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts, tuxedos and accessories.
22) Sell stocks and bonds and give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to a redneck charity. You will not need money.
23) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss any episodes.
24) Find wrecked car and leave in front of shack.
25) Have name changed legally from "Mark" or "Andrew" or "Kevin" to "Cletus" or "Bubba" or "Jed".
Congratulations! You, Sir, are now the Redneck you have dreamed of becoming! "
Satisfaction Guaranteed!
:D
Hmmmm, ;););) Any thoughts on rednecks..?
" Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck?
Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn't know how?
Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified image, just hollerin' to get out?
Well, now you can become the redneck you have always wanted to be!
Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of beer. That is all you will need to start!
Now follow the 25 easy guidelines in our manual!
Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE.
1) We assume you are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is also assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black dress shoes and silk socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex. If you are not dressed like this, stop NOW and continue when you are.
FIRST, untie and remove high-and-mighty fancy executive shoes. Peel off socks. DO THIS NOW! Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so do not deceive yourself; this will be a challenge to a true yuppie executive. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you.
(Note: This will also work with Johnston & Murphy wingtips or those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.)
2) Stuff silk socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can.
3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail! You will be tempted to put them back on - resist this!
4) The following is guaranteed to help bring you off your high horse in a hurry, and into the redneck world! Trust us!
Prop bare feet on desk, with soles facing open office door. Do NOT remove feet from desk, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office.
Remove cufflinks and scratch soles of feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put cufflinks back on.
Use necktie to wipe nose.
Use tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt.
Eat lunch with knife only. Wipe dirty knife on otherwise spotless business suit.
5) Open can of beer. Drink rapidly and belch loudly. Practice! Dribble on business suit. Discarded dress socks may be used to wipe mouth.
6) Place tobacco in mouth; place in back of cheek. Practice spitting streams of tobacco juice on to computer screen, or on polished office floor, or on important presentation, or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit. Brooks Brothers shoes may also serve as spittoon.
Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! See Step #3.
7) Remove necktie, cufflinks, pocket square, tiepin, suspenders and Rolex. Drop all items in garbage can.
8) Strip off uppity expensive business suit, starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss in garbage can. Add briefcase, cell phone and day-timer. Cut up credit cards and throw away wallet.
9) Put on overalls.
10) Cancel subscriptions to Wall Street Journal and New York Times. Have cable disconnected.
11) If you have not already been fired, quit high-paying job and stop working altogether.
Alternative: become a garbage man or janitor or sling hash in a diner.
12) Make appointment with dentist. Have front teeth removed.
13) Make appointment with surgeon. Have all hair on top of head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back.
14) Shave ONLY twice a week. Be careful to leave stubble at all times.
15) Bathe twice a week.
16) Begin intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all "NG" endings from words - "havin" instead of "having". Learn to yelp and whoop and holler.
17) Sell Porsche.
18) Buy used pickup.
19) Sell condo.
20) Buy shotgun shack.
21) Give or throw away all remaining business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts, tuxedos and accessories.
22) Sell stocks and bonds and give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to a redneck charity. You will not need money.
23) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss any episodes.
24) Find wrecked car and leave in front of shack.
25) Have name changed legally from "Mark" or "Andrew" or "Kevin" to "Cletus" or "Bubba" or "Jed".
Congratulations! You, Sir, are now the Redneck you have dreamed of becoming! "
Satisfaction Guaranteed!
:D
Hmmmm, ;););) Any thoughts on rednecks..?