Relationships with the woman being significantly older than the male

[Absinthe]

I am somewhat stealing the idea from another discussion, and it would be interesting to find out your opinions on this.

First: do you encounter those relationships often in your surroundings (a 30-40 year old woman going out with a 20 year old boy, let's say)?

Second: do you think such relationships can work?

Third: do you think of them as unnatural/inappropriate?

Fourth: what do you think is the cause for the older woman-younger man "boom" during the latest years?

I personally find this to be an unpleasant sight, for a variety of reasons (social, biological, aesthetical)... But I see it happening more and more often and the women who sustain such relationships are very determined to keep it going no matter what the opinions of others.

I once had a fight at a greek forum about it, when I said I disapproved, some dozen 40-year old women jumped on me and clawed the hell out of me, saying "who am I" to judge their relationships with younger men, and "who am I" to deny them the right to fall in love again, and so on and so forth.

I was, of course, accused of being jealous :rolleyes:, of being deprived :rolleyes:, of having had my man stolen by an older woman hence the bitterness (never happened :rolleyes:) and all kinds of rationalization imaginable.

So..........?

[HawkR]

I... dissaprove. These relationships is in my view a huge sign of the biggest disaster in history, the mid-life crisis. People today have lost the meaning of a relationship. Don't come here and tell that this 20 year old goes to his buddy saying: "Oh, I love her so" rather than "What a milf guys! Am I gonna bang her!". There will allways be the feeling of love in any kind of relationship, even amongst gays(yuck!). But it wont last. A man in his 20's will deffinetively dump this 40 year old someday cause he wants a family. With a woman around his age.


The biggest split in a relationship around me is man(38) and woman(45), 7 years in other words. Not to much to be honest.

[Ulf]

No opinion.

If they're both consenting adults I don't give a damn.

[Absinthe]

Well, behind the MILF mania, there issues such as Oedipus Complex (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oedipus_complex) for men and Midlife Crisis (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mid-life_crisis) for women.

Add the emancipation of women in the present age, and the fact that by becoming independent and socially poweful via their careers they think they can buy a young man's love, same as an old man buys a 20 year old woman's youth and charms by giving her presents and all that (equally despicable).

In my own country (that's the only setting I feel capable of speaking of), it also boils down to the social pressure exerted to greek woman to get married with the first "sucker" that comes their way, and hence marriage for them becomes an end in itself.
10 years later, those unsatisfied married women realize they married a dork, merely out of social pressure and financial interests, one who's either lost interest in them and also looking at younger women, or one with whom they never had a loving relationship altogether.

This is the most common scenario in most cases I've witnessed. If only they had waited a bit longer and made a more responsible and mature choice of a husband, they wouldn't end up seeking for their lost youth via a relationship with a boy half their age.

[Absinthe]

No opinion.

If they're both consenting adults I don't give a damn.
Hypothetical question:

how would you take it if your 20 year old son brought home a 40 year old divorcée with 3 kids from her previous marriage(s), and announced her 'the love of his life' and his future bride? :p

[Beorn]

When I was twenty I slept with a thirty year old woman; and I have slept with older, but to have an actual relationship long term with those women would have been against the basis of my beliefs and would have had me at some point wander off to find younger women to engage with.

[Absinthe]

When I was twenty I slept with a thirty year old woman; and I have slept with older, but to have an actual relationship long term with those women would have been against the basis of my beliefs and would have had me at some point wander off to find younger women to engage with.
"Slept with" is not what I was referring to, but having an actual relationship and thinking it will work in the long run. :)

[Ulf]

Hypothetical question:

how would you take it if your 20 year old son brought home a 40 year old divorcée with 3 kids from her previous marriage(s), and announced her 'the love of his life' and his future bride? :p

I'd tell him he's an idiot, but so long as he's a happy idiot, oh well. :P

[Treffie]

Sexually, both parties would be near their peak - a female at 39 and a male at 19, so I should imagine there would be fireworks.:p

[HawkR]

Hypothetical question:

how would you take it if your 20 year old son brought home a 40 year old divorcée with 3 kids from her previous marriage(s), and announced her 'the love of his life' and his future bride? :p

I would've told him to straighten himself up, get a grip and find himself a woman on his age, or else the next feeling he would have wouldn't be love, but my foot so far up his ass that his breath would smell old gymsocks for the rest of his life.

No son of mine, shall marry someone who could be my wife, neither my granddaughter!

[Beorn]

"Slept with" is not what I was referring to, but having an actual relationship and thinking it will work in the long run. :)

Didn't I answer that? :)

My opinion is that a short term relationship would be okay and nothing to upsetting, but my intentions were to never have a long term relationship with these women.

So, to answer your questions.

First: do you encounter those relationships often in your surroundings (a 30-40 year old woman going out with a 20 year old boy, let's say)?

No, I do not see them at all. Not round these parts anyway.

Second: do you think such relationships can work?

Short term, yes! Long term, no?

Third: do you think of them as unnatural/inappropriate?

Inappropriate as in "not aesthetically pleasing", then yes. It certainly beats my door when I see a young man or a young woman dating ten, twenty, perhaps thirty years their senior and believe it to be a long term relationship with a fruitful outcome.

[Vargtand]

Been there done that, don't aprove off it.

[Sarmata]

I'd tell him he's an idiot, but so long as he's a happy idiot, oh well. :P

Happy idiot until she will be 60:D:D:D

[Gwynyvyr]

I have been married 3 times.
My first husband was 20 years older (I was 18, he 38 on our wedding day)
After about a year and a half of marriage, I knew it was over. We had sex about once every two weeks (15 minutes. oh whoopee :rolleyes2: )
He became very controlling. At 18, I think I got married to get married. When I started to think more for myself and making my own decisions instead of deferring to him in all matters, he started beating me. I started screwing around on him. I didn't care anymore. No self-respect, my self esteem shattered, I really didn't care.
Then one day I woke up and realized I was better than that.
I kicked his @ss. (To be specific, the next time he raised his fist to me, I kicked him so hard in the genitals that I completely ruptured his left testicle. The doctors had to remove it from the scrotal sac with a needle.)
He filed for divorce the next day.

My second husband was the same age as I was...about a month and a half older. We got married when we were both 27.
By the time we were 33, he had jumped headlong into being a *born again Christian* and I realized I needed to get out.

My third husband was 20 years younger. I was 39 and he was 19 on our wedding day.
Bliss for 8 solid years. We were *in sync* sexually, had similar goals and worked together well.
Then he got into drugs and ended up leaving me for someone his own age who was also wasting their life away on drugs.

I am now with a man that is 15 years younger than I. (I am 52, he is 37)
I had given up on finding a partner.
He pursued me. I thought he was nuts. He continued to *court* me.
We are getting married. (Took him 2 years to convince me!)
He already has 3 children and has had a vasectomy. I have 7 grown kids.
So reproducing is not a big issue here. I think we have both done our part!
He prefers older women because we are more independent, speak our mind and don't *play games*.

Look, I tried dating guys my own age. Didn't work at all.
I hike, I roller blade, I swim (skinny dipping ROCKS!), I go hunting, I horse back ride. I am a very active person.
Most men my age have a set dating scenario...pick up woman, pick up 6 pack, rent a movie, get to house and order pizza. A little try at groping and then IF they remembered to get their Viagra prescription filled, maybe some sex. Usually darn lousy sex at that (from my point of view.)

In between husband #3 and my darlin' man, I dated guys from age 19 (that's right, THIRTY years younger than me) up to age 57.
I had absolutely NOTHING in common with men over the age of 45 or so.
The 19 year old...heh-heh...well, that one was just a chew toy for me to get over my ex. By the way, the 19 year old proposed :eek: . I called his mother and told her to come pick him up! He was fairly decent in the bedroom, but not that good! No way I was going to have someone I had to *house train*.

All that being said...
Age is just a number. I have always tried to judge my potential dating partners on a lot of things...age never really came into the equation. If they were active, healthy and had similar interests were always my first criteria. Of course, sense of humor, intellect and goals came into it, too. Sexual compatibility is an issue with me.(I think it's a redhead thing...:p ) Age was always an afterthought.

I know my darlin' man may end up taking care of me in my *dotage*. He and I have discussed this extensively. He knows my family background. The women usually live to be 90+ and are very active up to the end. The men drop like flies at around age 60.

My favorite female relative was my Great-Aunt Rowena. She lived to be 102.
On her last day, she got up, did the usual household chores. Later in the afternoon, she had *an afternoon delight* with her 62 year old boyfriend.
As he napped afterwards, she went downstairs, grabbed a Pabst beer out of the fridge, lit a (unfiltered) Pall Mall cigarette (she smoked 2 packs a day), kicked back in her recliner and flipped on the t.v.
She smoked her cigarette, finished her beer and went to sleep and never woke up. They found her with a smile on her face.
Her boyfriend got a bit peeved at the funeral when he discovered her real age. She had lied and told him she was 72...

When I go, I want to go like Aunt Rowena...:thumb001:

[Absinthe]

I hope you (or anyone else with similar experiences) does not get offended by this thread... :( It initially did not cross my mind, but now I can think of a couple of examples of extraordinary women -one in particular comes to mind right now - who got married to men much younger than themselves...I hope it works out for you :)

[Gwynyvyr]

I hope you (or anyone else with similar experiences) does not get offended by this thread... :( It initially did not cross my mind, but now I can think of a couple of examples of extraordinary women -one in particular comes to mind right now - who got married to men much younger than themselves...I hope it works out for you :)

Naw...it takes a lot more than that to offend me!

I think it really depends on a persons *inner age*.
I have known 40 year old men that hadn't grown out of their teenage stage.
Still borrowing money off their parents, taking no responsibility for their actions, etc.
Conversely, I have seen some 17 year old young men that helped support their families, had steady jobs while going to school, etc.

Me...heh-heh...some days I channel my inner 3 year old...
Most of the time I do hold my own in the responsibility sector, though.
I don't play *head games*, I am honest to a fault...have absolutely NO tact.

My darlin' man is in the military. Almost ready for retirement!:)
Doesn't drink (well, an occasional scotch), no drugs, supports his 3 children from a previous marriage and visits them and is involved in their lives.

[Absinthe]

I am now with a man that is 15 years younger than I. (I am 52, he is 37)

He already has 3 children and has had a vasectomy. I have 7 grown kids.
So reproducing is not a big issue here. I think we have both done our part!
He prefers older women because we are more independent, speak our mind and don't *play games*.

When both are grown-ups and have accomplished much in life, I don't think the age difference is an issue anymore. The age gap tends to dissipate as we grow older and complete certain life stages. A relationship between a 55 year old woman and a 40 year old man, for example, has much more chances to work than a:


My third husband was 20 years younger. I was 39 and he was 19 on our wedding day.
Bliss for 8 solid years. We were *in sync* sexually, had similar goals and worked together well.
Then he got into drugs and ended up leaving me for someone his own age who was also wasting their life away on drugs.

Damnit :( Sounds eeringly similar to another woman's story I know and think very highly of her. From day 1, I was thinking "what does such a sweet, charming, elegant and well-mannered woman like her, doing with that juvenile delinquent'? Turns out their story had a similar ending. :(

[stormlord]

This is just my personal opinion, but I generally don't think it's a great idea if it goes on for too long. I know people normally bring up that there's a "double standard" with older men - younger women and vice versa but they don't often consider that it's a perfectly fair one, since men and women are different. Men can often have children well into their seventies and rarely eighties, 99.9% of women over 50 can't have children, and nor can 70% of 40 year olds. I just think it's wrong to deny someone else the chance to have kids when you've had that chance yourself (in the same way it's wrong when older men with children marry a 20 year old girl and tell her they won't have anymore). I know the response will be that it's the younger partner's choice, but it seems like if you get into a relationship with someone you would care about what's best for them in the long run. I can understand a relationship of this kind lasting for a year or two, but otherwise I think it's pretty selfish.

[Frigga]

I think that it depends on the circumstances, maturity level of both parties, and if future children are wanted. If both parties can honestly match up on all three, then people shouldn't give a tinker's damn.

[Gwynyvyr]

Rivalin, I agree with you!

Husband #3 and I had two children together.
I won't go into the whole sorry, tragic mess here. One day I will explain.

Anyway, the woman he left me for, who is two years younger than him told him "they would have lots of beautiful babies together!"

She neglected to tell him she had her tubes tied after the birth of her first.
So, he is stepfather to her daughter.
He found out about the young woman's induced sterility about 2 years into the relationship. He is convinced that *someday* they will have the money to get the surgery reversed. (That *someday* presumably coming when they both stop using drugs and when both get gainful employment rather than living on gov't. checks, etc.)

I am a great believer in discussing the *child issue* very early on in a relationship.
I always wanted a large family.
I was very up front about that. One relationship ended early on because the man (whom I so adored) told me point blank "One child, that's all."
When someone makes a statement like that, it is no use investing any more time or emotion into the relationship. You will not change their mind.

[Solwyn]

Personally I couldn't see myself having a serious relationship with a man who isn't in my age group. I have just found that men who are younger than me are on a whole different plane of reality. I definitely have no desire for a man who is a lot older than me, either, because I already have a father. LOL. I'm not on the market anyway, so it doesn't matter.

However, if I was.....I'd be hitting the Palomino Club with all the other Cougars to find me a nice 20-something chew toy with one of those 24/7 machine gun peckers and the youthful stamina to go with it.

:eek:

Oooops....that was offside:D

As far as aesthetics go, I'm pushing 40 and I don't think I look too worse for the wear. What cracks me up is that I know people who think the older male/younger woman aesthetic is fine, but not the older woman/younger male - women generally take better care of themselves, LOL, men just let themselves go.

[Tolleson]

- women generally take better care of themselves, LOL, men just let themselves go.

Hey, I resemble that remark. You almost hurt my feeling!:D

[Hilding]

I don't mind as long as the woman doesn't have children in the same age as the man, that's just bizarre.

[Jägerstaffel]

It doesn't bother me one way or the other the way other people spend their lives as long as it doesn't infringe on my life and my family/community's life and our rights..

Doesn't mean I won't ridicule them, but they are free to do as they please.

[Gwynyvyr]

I don't mind as long as the woman doesn't have children in the same age as the man, that's just bizarre.

I had a daughter 2 years older, a son one year younger than my third husband.
They got along just fine.
Of course, when he and I split, my son wanted to go whip his butt...:rolleyes:

[Vargtand]

I had a daughter 2 years older, a son one year younger than my third husband.
They got along just fine.
Of course, when he and I split, my son wanted to go whip his butt...:rolleyes:

Ouch damn.. personally I would not be okay with it on either end of those roles.
on the other hand I take it then you had no desire for him to be a father figure :P

[SwordoftheVistula]

What cracks me up is that I know people who think the older male/younger woman aesthetic is fine, but not the older woman/younger male - women generally take better care of themselves, LOL, men just let themselves go.

Not sure if that is true that more men let themselves go-I tend to see more non-fat guys with fat girls than vice versa, and the middle aged female coworkers I have had are more likely to be fat than the male ones. Even if it is true, I think that's because most women don't put as much attention on looks, at least not to the extent men do. A stocky, balding/graying man with a few scars is not going to have much be turned down for looks nearly as often as a stocky, graying woman with a few scars is.

In general I think it's natural for the man to be older than the woman in relationships, especially if they plan on having children at some point. Older men tend have things most women are looking for, financial potential (more advanced along the educational/career path) and a more 'settled' personality; whereas women tend to have things most men are looking for: youthful looks and personality. If they are interested in children, the man's financial potential and emotional stability becomes more important, and younger women can have more children and/or delay having children longer into the relationship.

[Bobby Martnen]

1 year older is fine, 2-3 is pushing it, anything more is disgusting and should be annulled