Arranged marriages

[Terek]

What is your opinion about parents and family members involved in process of marriage selection?

First, I am not talking about specifically marriages that are decided at birth and the bride and groom don't meet each other or don't know each other, or the idea to force a marriage between two people who do not consent. I am asking, what kind of role of the parents is acceptable to you or do you think is best for a healthy family relationship?

There are different ways to "arrange" a marriage or have family involvement. Sometimes the family introduces or just advocates for a certain person to marry, but yes or no is the decision of the child. Sometimes the elder of the family must approve of a marriage. And sometimes, parents can find a bride or groom for their child, if the unfortunate soul cannot do it for himself!

There are statistics (and many non-Westerns, for example, Indians, mention this) that say the divorce rate is so much more high among families of just choice (with no parent involvment) than with "arranged" marriage. The other thing to think though is that maybe in these societies the woman will resist divorce because of the bad reputation and life that will be a result.

My opinion? I think it should be mainly love/choice, but parents should help in some situations. In Chechnya, for example, there is not a tradition of arranged marriage from birth, it is the man's choice in his youth to find his bride. Some of you may have heard we do have bride stealing:wink , but the parent role in true Chechen custom is that if the kidnapped bride and her family are against the marriage, then it is not valid. I think it is best if both families agree with the marriage between the bride and groom.

So, what role do you think parents should have in a European society? I am not saying for a requirement or law, only what role is best for a healthy and successful marriage?

[Jerry]

It is complete BS and utter crap of course and makes the world a more miserable place. If some of these marriages end up being happy ones, it does not make the phenomenon one bit better - this is just normal mathematics and law of statistics.

This thing should be thrown in the same basket with female circumcision and wiped out of earth.

Edit: Ok, I did not read your post with enough thought at first. Well anyways I think parents' role should be minimal to non-existent, you are not finding a spouse for your parents you are doing it for you. It's a short and miserable life anyways you should live it for yourself and make the best of it.

[Loki]

I am against it. Marriage should come out of love from both partners. Parents should have no role in it.

[Europa]

I am against it. Marriage should come out of love from both partners. Parents should have no role in it.

I also support this opinion,but with one condition.No interracial marriages:coffee:

[Mortimer]

I voted the third option, if someone cannot find a girl/guy and parents or relatives or friends can help him/her than its good.

[Scrapple]

I voted the third option, if someone cannot find a girl/guy and parents or relatives or friends can help him/her than its good.

I picked this option too.

[Queen B]

If I am going to live with a person, I should be the one who will choose who will be.
Simply as that

[WitheredWhiteness]

I think there is no need for parents to get involved. Of course they can have their opinion, they can say it out loud as conversation in a family is crucial. But the decision has to be made by the partners.

From my point of view the religion is the thing which definitely shouldn't get involved in any kind of relationship between people...

[Terek]

Most of you will choose the last option, I know, especially because this idea looks like a tradition from non European people... but you may have opinions more conservative than you think

For example, what about YOUR children? You may actually have the approval option if you are preservationist. What if your child wanted to marry someone who is a different race or relgion, or of the same sex? If not, you may want to approve or not approve this marriage.

[Loki]

Most of you will choose the last option, I know, especially because this idea looks like a tradition from non European people... but you may have opinions more conservative than you think

For example, what about YOUR children? You may actually have the approval option if you are preservationist. What if your child wanted to marry someone who is a different race or relgion, or of the same sex? If not, you may want to approve or not approve this marriage.

Children are best raised among parents who love each other. With arranged marriages there is a considerably less chance of that :(

[Queen B]

For example, what about YOUR children? You may actually have the approval option if you are preservationist. What if your child wanted to marry someone who is a different race or relgion, or of the same sex? If not, you may want to approve or not approve this marriage.
If he/she does it, I wont be happy. I will say my opinion and that's it. I am not going to stop him/her of doing it.

[Terek]

Children are best raised among parents who love each other. With arranged marriages there is a considerably less chance of that :(

This is true.

In my opinion though there is love and there is lust, and sometimes elders know more. For example with inter-ethnic marriage. I lived in New York and I dated someone who is not Vainakh, and maybe I said I love him, but I would not have approval to marry him. Children are best raised among parents who love each other AND have the same cultural values. Sometimes young children don't know that.

[mymy]

Parent's should have no role. They already raise children and on that way have influence on them, on their opinions and values, but once when kid grow up and become adult, parents don't have right to say or do anything, except to accept choice of their children.

Also, not only arranged marriages, but all those who are based on some interest are wrong. Things what worth always comes from inside, emotions and values are reflections of the souls. But unfortunately, many people today pay attention only on obvious and what is easy to see, without thinking about deeper connection. I find it more difficult to discuss that most of people would...

[Flintlocke]

Don't mystify "love" too much, it's something that happens to all people, it's a natural process. So if you like the person your parents propose, then sure why not?

[Arsen_]

I can accept any of first three options: parents can introduce or choose the bride or groom, of course without parents' approval children's marriage should be outlawed etc. But forth option is absolutely unacceptable.

It's utterly obvious to me that if parents have no role in selection brides or grooms for their children then no cultural or ethnic preservation is possible.

But European preservationists as it seen from poll results would like as it is said in Russian и на ёлку залезть, и жопу не ободрать! (to get over fir tree and do not scratch their asses! )

I remember when my cousin was going to marry a girl he met he as a true Armenian suggested to talk to her father. That silly girl answered: При чем тут мой папа? :D (Why my father be involved in this?) It was a great joke all our extended family laughed at for years! Of course my cousin exactly at that minute wished her all luck and broke with her.

[derLowe]

What is your opinion about parents and family members involved in process of marriage selection?

First, I am not talking about specifically marriages that are decided at birth and the bride and groom don't meet each other or don't know each other, or the idea to force a marriage between two people who do not consent. I am asking, what kind of role of the parents is acceptable to you or do you think is best for a healthy family relationship?

There are different ways to "arrange" a marriage or have family involvement. Sometimes the family introduces or just advocates for a certain person to marry, but yes or no is the decision of the child. Sometimes the elder of the family must approve of a marriage. And sometimes, parents can find a bride or groom for their child, if the unfortunate soul cannot do it for himself!

There are statistics (and many non-Westerns, for example, Indians, mention this) that say the divorce rate is so much more high among families of just choice (with no parent involvment) than with "arranged" marriage. The other thing to think though is that maybe in these societies the woman will resist divorce because of the bad reputation and life that will be a result.

My opinion? I think it should be mainly love/choice, but parents should help in some situations. In Chechnya, for example, there is not a tradition of arranged marriage from birth, it is the man's choice in his youth to find his bride. Some of you may have heard we do have bride stealing:wink , but the parent role in true Chechen custom is that if the kidnapped bride and her family are against the marriage, then it is not valid. I think it is best if both families agree with the marriage between the bride and groom.

So, what role do you think parents should have in a European society? I am not saying for a requirement or law, only what role is best for a healthy and successful marriage?

NO, NO and a thousand times NO!

[mymy]

NO, NO and a thousand times NO!

I feel need to say NO once again! It's never enough!!! :eek:
What happened with the soul today? :(










P.S. Yeah, i am idiot.

[derLowe]

I feel need to say NO once again! It's never enough!!! :eek:
What happened with the soul today? :(










P.S. Yeah, i am idiot.

Madness! My heart freezes at the thought of my parents deciding who I could marry.

[Arsen_]

OMG, I really cannot understand some of you!

Is there on Earth anything more important than parents' blessing???

Is there any woman on Earth can be more important than Mother???

Personally for me my Mother is more important than all the rest women of our Planet! Of course I can love a woman and she can be very important to me but Mother is always sacred to me!

[Mosov]

OMG, I really cannot understand some of you!

Is there on Earth anything more important than parents' blessing???

Is there any woman on Earth can be more important than Mother???

Personally for me my Mother is more important than all the rest women of our Planet! Of course I can love a woman and she can be very important to me but Mother is always sacred to me!

For us Armenians, especially men, mothers are very important to us. I guess a bit of a maternalistic construct in our families lol

[mymy]

OMG, I really cannot understand some of you!

Is there on Earth anything more important than parents' blessing???

Is there any woman on Earth can be more important than Mother???

Personally for me my Mother is more important than all the rest women of our Planet! Of course I can love a woman and she can be very important to me but Mother is always sacred to me!



Honestly, i think i would never want to marry someone who think like this. My parents made me, but they have no right to decide for me. They did their job while they were raising me, now it's everything on me, not on them anymore.
If they would arrange me wedding, or even date, i would escape, lol.

And if he plans to put parents on first place, before beloved woman, he can stay with them... Parents of course deserve respect, but they don't have right to put their noses in personal matters of their adult children.

"Love is freedom... Love is worth, if it's worth the risk." It's rare today, i admit, but let's be optimistic.

[Eva]

Parent's interference can be approved only for example in case they have some serious reason for disapproving their child's choice like perhaps that person is a drug-addict or something else and being blind with love their child does not want to see it.

But to make the choice for their daughter or son is absolutely wrong. And they are going to risk themselves, because if something goes wrong in marriage, their child is going to blame them all his/her life.

But there's also a possibility that they just point at someone they approve very much and their son/daughter also like him/her.

[Queen B]

OMG, I really cannot understand some of you!

Is there on Earth anything more important than parents' blessing???
Yes, to live happily with the person you LOVE and choose.

A parent's blessing is of course welcomed, but what's important for someone is to be happy, content and live his life with the one he wants.


Is there any woman on Earth can be more important than Mother???

Personally for me my Mother is more important than all the rest women of our Planet! Of course I can love a woman and she can be very important to me but Mother is always sacred to me!
Sacred, yes. But if your mother loves you and cares for you as much as you do, should accept your decision and what makes YOU happy

[Mosov]

Parent's interference can be approved only for example in case they have some serious reason for disapproving their child's choice like perhaps that person is a drug-addict or something else and being blind with love their child does not want to see it.

But to make the choice for their daughter or son is absolutely wrong. And they are going to risk themselves, because if something goes wrong in marriage, their child is going to blame them all his/her life.

But there's also a possibility that they just point at someone they approve very much and their son/daughter also like him/her.

Well parents have to approve the marriage. They can always introduce possible candidates and do match-making, but in the end they have to approve of it or else it will be a hard marriage to get through. Especially for girls.

[Jerry]

OMG, I really cannot understand some of you!

Is there on Earth anything more important than parents' blessing???

Is there any woman on Earth can be more important than Mother???

Personally for me my Mother is more important than all the rest women of our Planet! Of course I can love a woman and she can be very important to me but Mother is always sacred to me!

My mother wants me to live my own life and that's what I want for my kids too. It's human evolution that people have understood what is important in life and what matters, maybe in a few hundred years in that neck of the woods too.

[Barreldriver]

As unromantic as arranged marriages may seem it has a practical purpose in terms of uniting farms and providing security.

Where I come from it used to be common in the old days but has largely fizzled out, though I would say not completely in that as a child the elderly women would always try to hook up their granddaughters or nieces with certain boys (of which I was one) who came from known families within the region. As a child I hated that sort of thing as I was preoccupied with typical Mountain Southron "boy" activities and didn't want to bother with such "grown up" things, though once I began dating and consequently finding disappointment in my ventures I have regrets about my resistance especially when the arrangements were agreed to by the other party being suggested for myself, certain rejections on my end that I cannot undo.

Even if a couple goes into a union under such conditions and are not immediately "in love", bonds can form and those marriages lasted in the instances that they occurred within the region I am from. Either way with divorce rates whether the marriage is arranged or not seems to do little from preventing fickle people from engaging and separating.

[Arsen_]

As unromantic as arranged marriages may seem it has a practical purpose in terms of uniting farms and providing security.


Exactly! You might also write this way:

As unromantic as arranged marriages may seem it has a practical purpose in terms of providing cultural and ethnic preservation.

[Barreldriver]

Exactly! You might also write this way:

As unromantic as arranged marriages may seem it has a practical purpose in terms of providing cultural and ethnic preservation.

Note taken, good suggestion.

I would also add:

With the history of arranged marriages back home it helped enormously that the future spouses would have grown up around each other and built a degree of familiarity that was enforced over years in turn aiding a more stable future together if their marriage was to happen.

[rhiannon]

I am against it. Marriage should come out of love from both partners. Parents should have no role in it.

This.

Although ideally, it would be nice if parents did approve. Makes for happier familial relationships in the future.

[Phil75231]

(3)Parents should introduce potential husbands/wives if it's needed
(4)Parents should have no role

My vote for (3) applies only for the reasons IM stated in post 5 - with the key words here being if and needed. Otherwise, I'm basically a (4).

Parents can certainly play a role in introducing new potential mates to their children, though IMO meetings shouldn't be contemplated for that specific purpose in mind unless the "child" specifically requests it (at least in Western or arguably Western cultures). Parents meeting a potential mate by random chance at a social function and 1 or 2 degrees of separation from their own social circle? That should be the way to go in the cultures most TA members adhere to - if at all. In the end, the "child" should have veto power in this matter, for THEY have to live with the person on a daily basis if they get married, the parents don't.

[Eva]

As unromantic as arranged marriages may seem it has a practical purpose in terms of uniting farms and providing security.

Where I come from it used to be common in the old days but has largely fizzled out, though I would say not completely in that as a child the elderly women would always try to hook up their granddaughters or nieces with certain boys (of which I was one) who came from known families within the region. As a child I hated that sort of thing as I was preoccupied with typical Mountain Southron "boy" activities and didn't want to bother with such "grown up" things, though once I began dating and consequently finding disappointment in my ventures I have regrets about my resistance especially when the arrangements were agreed to by the other party being suggested for myself, certain rejections on my end that I cannot undo.

Even if a couple goes into a union under such conditions and are not immediately "in love", bonds can form and those marriages lasted in the instances that they occurred within the region I am from. Either way with divorce rates whether the marriage is arranged or not seems to do little from preventing fickle people from engaging and separating.

Sorry but No. Only the idea that others decide such an important thing of your life for you irritates me and would make me hate the person others (even if my parents and I respect them) have chosen. I wouldn't even let that person near.

[Contra Mundum]

I think parents should have some say, depending on the age of their son or daughter. Sometimes a young person can be impulsive and do something stupid, like marry a black African or Muslim.

[Mary]

I voted: Parents should introduce potential husbands/wives if it's needed

[Hurrem sultana]

I am against all kinds of arranged marriages,it should come from the love nothing else..


Bosnia has no arranged marriages tradition that i know of,my parents,my grandparents and all i know married by their own choice.

[Hurrem sultana]

I remember when my cousin was going to marry a girl he met he as a true Armenian suggested to talk to her father. That silly girl answered: При чем тут мой папа? (Why my father be involved in this?) It was a great joke all our extended family laughed at for years! Of course my cousin exactly at that minute wished her all luck and broke with her.



Something is seriously wrong with your cousin if he loved the girl and just left her because she said that!!

why on earth would he go to the father and ask? the girl can go to the parents explain to them and ask them,it is just too weird if the guy turns up and asks the dad lol

[PetiteParisienne]

I picked the third option, as well. I am not for arranged marriages. People should follow their hearts and chose their own partner in life. However, if a person is truly having difficulty, then I see no harm in his/her parents trying to help.

[Ushtari]

I am against all kinds of arranged marriages,it should come from the love nothing else..


Bosnia has no arranged marriages tradition that i know of,my parents,my grandparents and all i know married by their own choice.
they just told you that to make you think it was love:rolleyes2:

[rhiannon]

I voted: Parents should introduce potential husbands/wives if it's needed

How does a person know when *it's needed* though?

[Hurrem sultana]

they just told you that to make you think it was love:rolleyes2:

why would they? my grandmother was once married and divorced and then married my grandpa,,,,so i see no "arranged marriage" there

[Mortimer]

How does a person know when *it's needed* though?

when you fail yourself.
if you ask for it.
i think you know when you are in need of it.

[Ushtari]

Arranged marriages was norm in Albanian society until recently. Now a days its completely based on free choice/love.


Here you can read how it was earlier(text written in 1929):

http://img705.imageshack.us/img705/4829/sonqq.jpg

[Hurrem sultana]

Arranged marriages was norm in Albanian society until recently. Now a days its completely based on free choice/love.


Here you can read how it was earlier(text written in 1929):

http://img705.imageshack.us/img705/4829/sonqq.jpg

hahah,,,,so uneuropean :P:D


In Bosnia only rich families did it....so if a family was a "begovska family"(meaning they were beys) they made sure the partner of the child is not from a lower class ;)

[Ushtari]

hahah,,,,so uneuropean :P:D
Dis is what Tr0 europeans d0

[Panopticon]

Arranged marriages were pretty common in Europe before and parents had a very large influence on who you married and such. Families were economic institutions (as Ushtari's excerpt from Coon's "The Mountain of Giants"? mentions). Albanians only kept that old custom for a longer time.

[Azalea]

I don't have any problems with arranged marriages as long as there is no force involved. People should not confuse a arranged marriage with a forced marriage.

[Arsen_]

My mother wants me to live my own life and that's what I want for my kids too. It's human evolution that people have understood what is important in life and what matters, maybe in a few hundred years in that neck of the woods too.

Human evolution is not a one way avenue but a branchy tree and some dead end branches ironically think of themselves as more advanced and perspective ones!

This is a preservationist forum and any more or less serious preservationist can't help but understand that in terms of providing cultural and ethnic preservation any kind of idea about "parents' role should be minimal to non-existent" is extremely unfavorable one and any selfish fetishes like "to live my own life" are disastrous.

Some people here seem to believe that cultural and ethnic preservation miraculously like a manna from heaven will fall on their heads and no efforts and sacrifices are needed. That is not the case.

[Nairi]

I voted for "Parents should approve of the marriage" because that is what worked for me. I arranged my own marriage and got blessings from my parents.

[Óttar]

I am pro-arranged marriage. Arranged marriage is the bedrock of a "traditional" society. Indians, Chinese, and others I consider lucky because their marriages are already figured out and they can focus completely on becoming doctors, lawyers, and engineers. There is no need for the anxiety of dating, or the pursuit of sex, people are not preoccupied with their "emotional needs" and all these modern notions.

If I were in an arranged marriage, unless she were a complete and utter skag, I would figure my wife is my wife and that is the end of it. I used to look around at the girls at my school, and I thought, "80% of these females are at least moderately attractive" the possibility of me being randomly assigned an ugly one in a traditional society would be low. We think we are free in the West, but unless a man is wealthy his choice of a potential partner is not that great. I am a good looking guy, I know 3 - 4 languages, I am well-educated, I have had some lovers, but I have never felt I had a legit girlfriend and it makes me very angry and sometimes depressed. I'm going to be 26 soon, in less than 10 years I will be middle-aged, my sexual peak will be waning, I want someone. It's not fair.

I took one of those quizzes, "What is your ideal relationship?" and I got, "Your ideal relationship is marriage." I have always favored marriage, I do not understand why people disparage it, why they expect and almost encourage enmity between partners, refer to marriage as "ball and chain" etc.

My mother told me when I was young, she would wonder about me marrying her friend's daughter. Now, supposing we lived in a traditional society, I cannot say I would be averse if she arranged me to marry her friend's daughter, but alas, she is already married.

I have always liked the idea of marriage, I want that sense of 'I am done, I am finished, it is over, I am HOME.' I am pro-arranged marriage, and I believe aversion to it is based on ignorance, and arrogance. Indeed, arranged marriage was the norm in Europe in pre-modern times.

:coffee:

[Nairi]

I am pro-arranged marriage. Arranged marriage is the bedrock of a "traditional" society. Indians, Chinese, and others I consider lucky because their marriages are already figured out and they can focus completely on becoming doctors, lawyers, and engineers. There is no need for the anxiety of dating, or the pursuit of sex, people are not preoccupied with their "emotional needs" and all these modern notions.

If I were in an arranged marriage, unless she were a complete and utter skag, I would figure my wife is my wife and that is the end of it. I used to look around at the girls at my school, and I thought, "80% of these females are at least moderately attractive" the possibility of me being randomly assigned an ugly one in a traditional society would be low. We think we are free in the West, but unless a man is wealthy his choice of a potential partner is not that great. I am a good looking guy, I know 3 - 4 languages, I am well-educated, I have had some lovers, but I have never felt I had a legit girlfriend and it makes me very angry and sometimes depressed. I'm going to be 26 soon, in less than 10 years I will be middle-aged, my sexual peak will be waning, I want someone. It's not fair.

I took one of those quizzes, "What is your ideal relationship?" and I got, "Your ideal relationship is marriage." I have always favored marriage, I do not understand why people disparage it, why they expect and almost encourage enmity between partners, refer to marriage as "ball and chain" etc.

My mother told me when I was young, she would wonder about me marrying her friend's daughter. Now, supposing we lived in a traditional society, I cannot say I would be averse if she arranged me to marry her friend's daughter, but alas, she is already married.

I have always liked the idea of marriage, I want that sense of 'I am done, I am finished, it is over, I am HOME.' I am pro-arranged marriage, and I believe aversion to it is based on ignorance, and arrogance. Indeed, arranged marriage was the norm in Europe in pre-modern times.

:coffee:

Although your thoughts on marriage are foreign to me I thanked your post because it was sincere and I can see where you are coming from. You showed quite in a deep way there is another option too which deserves to be respected. :)

[Óttar]

Even if a couple goes into a union under such conditions and are not immediately "in love", bonds can form and those marriages lasted in the instances that they occurred
That is another thing people here are unaware of. In the West, we suppose that 'love' should burn hot between two people, but in our system, too many times the candle burns like a raging fire and burns out. People who have arranged marriage say that 'love' is like boiling water. It may take time to come to a boil, but after it comes to a boil, it boils slow and steady, and is enduring.

[Incal]

I don't have any problems with arranged marriages as long as there is no force involved. People should not confuse a arranged marriage with a forced marriage.

What's the difference then? With arranged marriages you keep declining until you they show you a suitable one or something like that?

[Azalea]

What's the difference then? With arranged marriages you keep declining until you they show you a suitable one or something like that?

The difference is that the man/woman in question is not getting forced to marry the woman/man their parents picked for them.

Here is how most arranged marriages in my area work (they are not that common anymore but still exist):

Usually the parents of the groom find their son a suitable wedding candidate. They approch the family of the girl and tell them that they want to 'ask for the girl's hand'. The family of the girl informs their daughter, when the girl knows beforehand that she doesn't want to marry the guy, the family informs the family of the groom and the family's don't meat up. Anyway, if she is okey with it, the family comes and asks for the girl's hand. If she agrees again, they get offically 'pre-engaged', we call this stage 'sozlenmek' in Turkish. In this stage the boy and girl start 'dating'. If it turns out that they don't match each other, the 'soz' will be canceled and no marriage will come. If it turns out that they do match each other, they get engaged and marry eventually.

So basically it's not much different than a normal wedding. The only difference is that the family is involved in the whole dating scene beforehand.

[Incal]

Dad and Mom playing cupid lol, happens here sometimes but it's not that ceremonial and it's done through subliminal message, mostly by mom: "Have you seen the neighbor's daughter?", "Don't you think she is a cutie?" and stuff like that... Even if mom was right (which rarely happens, we men don't have same taste as our moms), they'll go out, have some fun and that's it.

[Terek]

That is another thing people here are unaware of. In the West, we suppose that 'love' should burn hot between two people, but in our system, too many times the candle burns like a raging fire and burns out. People who have arranged marriage say that 'love' is like boiling water. It may take time to come to a boil, but after it comes to a boil, it boils slow and steady, and is enduring.

I understand completely this point.

At my age I really don't know what I believe. Love is something and passion is so intense, and the idea to burn out scares me and is depressing. It is a fact that there is more than one person in this world that I can come to love, and so it is best if that person's family and mine are in agreement. This way, it avoids the worst case, that you are married to a person you no longer love and who is not right for your family either... and then a divorce at an old age and staying alone.
I understand Western dating practice, but in general I find it too casual..

I think that in most cases in an arrange marriage there is definitely a way to make the boiling not too slow)

I think parent approval really is crucial. Not only to approve a couple who want to marry, but also in reverse. Maybe this is understood exclusively in Chechnya, or where there is bride stealing. For example, there is a man who wants to marry me here, and I don't want to marry him, and my family knows that, so they will not approve. Even if he tries to "steal" me, the marriage will not be valid, this is in accord to the very old Vainakh custom. Those incidents of non-consensual bride stealing, that practice is not Chechen) A woman and her family have the power to reject)) Marriage is consent, and the stealing part of it is a symbol of being taken from one life entered into the next..

In another situation, my father did beg on hand and knee shamelessly to marry my mother)) It was not a situation in which my mother's family could stop her, but my father would not accept that my mother's family would be angry. In the end, it worked))

Anyways, about what you said... if this particular man continues to pursue me, I might be impressed by his dedication and accept) So the boiling water will rise with the tension.... it is much different than starting "love" from a marriage of people who are just neutral..

[Lumi]

I'm against them 100%.
Forced marriages can become disasters. I know it's not a very good example, but in places like Pakistan where it's the social norm... Just look at those girls and what they go through. They're abused, raped and forced to have kids by their "husbands" who are 10 or more years older than them. These girls are usually really young when they get "married" to these men, and by the time they're 12 they've had maybe two or three kids.

I can't stand the thought of putting anyone through that.
Nor can I stand the thought of forcing my kids to marry someone they don't love.

[Barreldriver]

Arranged marriage =/= forced marriage. 0__o

[Lumi]

An arranged marriage is still forced. You're forcing your kid to marry someone they don't know and most likely don't love.

[Barreldriver]

An arranged marriage is still forced. You're forcing your kid to marry someone they don't know and most likely don't love.

That's not how things work in the mountains, the marriages used to be arranged in that families would raise their sons and daughters together as to create early bonds and hope for a future marriage between male&female children as to unite farms, in the teenage and adult years the families would drop the hints for marriage and one of two things would happen: 1.) marriage accepted, the couple does well having known each other for a lifetime, farms are united, this new generation lives a better life than the prior having more land, more output, more money, more children or 2.) the parties do not agree to the marriage for whatever reason and it's a dropped issue.

It's arranged in that a union has been worked towards over years between parents, but it's not forced in that if one of the parties is not satisfied with the union they can opt out.

[Mortimer]

Its interesting how majority voted to outlaw interracial marriage but the great majority is against arranged marriages.

[Barreldriver]

Its interesting how majority voted to outlaw interracial marriage but the great majority is against arranged marriages.

I see the irony as well, for making a certain sort of marriage a matter of illegality is a form of arrangement. :p

[HamshenaHay]

hahha :D this is a very interesting topic. I am willing to bet that overwhelming majority will vote against arranged marriage. I don't like the idea myself but I've read scientific studies showing that arranged marriages are usually very solid and people involved express high levels of happiness with the partner. It is explained by the hypothesis that parents while arranging base their decisions on cognition rather than emotion. Also they usually have a better experience with people and knowledge of issues in the long term. For example people in love don't bother with social status, economic compatibility, hereditary genetic defects or religious background. Parents on the other hand do.

Moreover from psychological research on relationships it is well known that passionate love is not indicative of a successful relationship. In fact the brain chemicals associated with passionate love only last about 2 years (that's why a lot of relationships break around that time). Relationships are known to have stages. It usually starts with passion but later on turns into companionship with several passionate revivals. Maybe arranged marriages skip the first passion and go right into companionship only to discover passion later on in life. That would explain why they last longer. Other studies have shown people are usually very poor judges of friendship compatibility. It seems that randomly assigning 2 people to interact results in just as good or even better friendships than letting people choose their friends. I know this all sounds counter-intuitive but these things I mentioned are all well researched and I'm willing to provide references to studies if people are interested (just don't know from the top of my head).

I personally don't support arrange marriage myself, but I think it might not be as "horrible" as most naturally would think. And I do realize that forced marriage is a whole other thing altogether. That would probably result in much suffering. But still arranged marriages do happen a lot in some cultures. And who are we to judge their age old customs? Their populations are growing and their societies are faced with many complex issues, if it works for them, they have my blessing. I don't believe if it's culturally "shocking" to us it must be "wrong" for all. Whats culturally acceptable and what not surrounding marriage has changed many times, what's acceptable today might not be tomorrow. Who knows maybe things like monogamy might be a thing of the past in a century or 2 (if life conditions change accordingly). ;)

[razrabotka protiv]

I will never marry (yet). Live the good life.

but it should be a decision of both. It should be principally the persons on marriage but the families of them also have to accept and understand each other.

[Queen B]

the whole ''last longer'' thing is very misleading to me .

Societies where an arranged marriage is a norm, are more conservative than a society where you can freely marry the one that you want, even driven by passion, as mentioned.

Due to this fact, a divorce is not that easy , and either 1) couples work harder to resolve their problems or 2) decide not to divorce in order to avoid finger-pointing by the rest.

My grandparents from my mothers side were married with arranged marriage (yes, it was happening in Greece 50 years ago)
(Arranged, not forced)

My grandfather was 18 years older than my grandmother, and he died when I was 1 year old. She lived with my grandparent, plus 4 of his unmarried brothers that she had to cook/clean for, and of course, raising her 5 kids.
If you ask her, she won't say that she was unhappy, but that was defenetaly not what she was dreaming of .
(Recently she told me that he loved a guy that he asked her family to marry her, but reject him, and they never told his of what).

My other grandparents married from love, same age, and their marriage lasted for almost 48 years, until my grandfather's death at age 67, of cancer
If you ask her, she ll say that she is the most lucky woman on earth.

[Aivap]

Arranged marriage is a violation of human rights.

[Barreldriver]

Arranged marriage is a violation of human rights.

Humans have no rights, there is only privilege.........

*meritocracy advocate moment over. :P

[Daos]

I fail to see what the problem is with parents introducing the potential spouses. My parents and grandparents have introduced me to 3 girls so far and they still have a few girls in mind they want me to meet. I've rejected 2 and one rejected me, no big deal.

Sure, they asked me to reconsider my decision regarding one of the girls because she comes from a wealthy family, but no one is forcing me to take her.:shrug:

[Su]

Voted for:

Parents should have no role

[Sarmatian]

I can't find a suitable option in the poll. In my opinion parents should have the role of advisers, should critisize the choice of their children. The purpose is to make the children to answer all those important questions they would normally ignore due to passion/lust/tooyoungandstupid/wheteverelse.

The final decision must be made by children themselves. And one of the possible decisions is accepting parent's choice.

[Mary]

Arranged marriage is a violation of human rights.

Human rights are a violation of Nature.

IFnWgfP8Exw

[Terek]

IFnWgfP8Exw

That video is soooo cute!!!

[Mortimer]

Arranged marriage is a violation of human rights.

agree in terms of forced marriage