A Few Jokes

[Oresai]

In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.

One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a scottish accent came from within the dense fog.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 10 englishmen".

With this, the english general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 50 englishman".

With this the english general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 100 englishman".

Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 1,000 englishman".

By this time, the english general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERES TWO OF THEM".

[Oresai]

A Scotsman visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didn't feel that the natives were very friendly. "At three o'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on my bedroom door, one the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes.

[Oresai]

"Where do you come from?" the Scotsman asked an American. "From the greatest country in the world," replied the American. "Funny," said the Scotsman, "you've got the strangest Scottish accent I've ever heard."

[Oresai]

An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of sherry. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims " May the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony". The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, whom replies: "No, thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here"

[Oresai]

In the back woods of Scotland, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the
middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the
delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern
and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the
lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern,
lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do
ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

[Oresai]

A scotsman sits in a Pub and drinks all day and all nite.. finally at 4 am, the bartender tells him he has to go home..
so the man spins around on the stool , hanging on to the bar....quite wobbly...closes one eye and points towards the door to get a berring ...
he takes a step....and BAM !! falls flat on his face...
he pulls himself up to the bar, re focuses , Takes a step and BAM !!...falls again.
so..he crawls to the door..
he pulls himself up, and hanging onto the door, looks down the street towards the way he has to walk home..still quite wobbly
he lets go, takes a step and BAM!!! he falls again..
this happens 3 or 4 times so he just crawls all the way home..
he pulls himself up to the door, unlocks it....knees bruised, and hands sore,,,,,
he knows he can not make it upstairs to the bedroom so he collapses on the floor, and crawls to the couch where he goes to sleep..
The next morning..his wife wakes him up..
YOU BEEN DRINKIN AT THE PUB AGAIN YE HEATHEN!!!
"I have not been drinkin at the pub " he answers "what makes ya think that?"
THE BARTENDER JUST CALLED , YE LEFT YER WHEELCHAIR DOWN THERE AGAIN !!!!

[Alison]

Absolutely FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!! rofl!!!!

[Oresai]

:D

How do you get a Scotsman to climb onto the roof of his home?
Tell him that the drinks are on the house.

[Oresai]

(in defense of my ain folk, it isn`t true that Scots are mean! We are famed for our hospitality. :) )

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went out for a night on the town. The Englishman spent £30, the Irishman spent £20 and the Scotsman spent a very enjoyable evening.

[Oresai]

Wee Hughie was in the garden filling in a hole when his English neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the mad man was up to, he politely asked, 'What are you doing there, Hughie?'
'My goldfish died,' replied Wee Hughie tearfully without looking up, 'and I've just buried him.'
The English neighbour was very concerned. 'That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?'
Wee Hughie patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, 'That's because he's inside your cat.'

[Oresai]

Wee Hughie came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time. Hughie ?" he asked sarcastically." Let's hear a good excuse for a change.
"Wee Hughie sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up.
Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office."
You'll have to do better than that. Hughie, "said his boss, disappointed. "No woman can be ready in ten minutes."

[Oresai]

An Englishman, lecturing on his travels, was speaking disparagingly about the Scots in Canada and the mixing of the race with the Indians.
‘You’ll find,’ he said, ‘a great number of Scots half-breeds and French half*breeds, but you cannot find any English half-breeds.’
‘Not surprisingly,’ shouted Wee Hughie in the audience. ‘The squaws had to draw the line somewhere.

[Oresai]

SCOTTISH FRUITCAKE RECIPE.
You'll need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
1 cup of nuts
1 bottle of whiskey.

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway??

[Alison]

I absolutely love these. :) Thanks, hun! :)

[Oresai]

Feline Physics Laws
Law of Cat Inertia

A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion

A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism

All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics

Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching

A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping

All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation

A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction

A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration

A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance

Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration

No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance

A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation

Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation

Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation

If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction

Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking

A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy

All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment

A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption

A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement

A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing

A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement

A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest

A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection

Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition

A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

[Oresai]

A cute Highland girl was giving a manicure to a man in Dunkeld barber shop. The man said, " How about a date later ? " She said, " I'm married."
" So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a girlfriend." She replied, " You tell him yourself- he's shaving you."

[Oresai]

Sandy and Wee Hughie were out on the moors shooting grouse when Sandy fell to the ground. He didn't seem to breathing and when Wee Hughie raised Sandy's eye-lids his eyes rolled back in his head. In a panic, Wee Hughie took out his cell phone and called the emergency services on 999. When he got through, he gasped to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice said, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." There was a silence from Wee Hughie for a few moments and then the operator heard a shot. Then Wee Hughie said "OK, now what?"

[Oresai]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.

The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow."
The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow."
The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"

[Oresai]

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands and gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

[Oresai]

A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'

[Oresai]

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

[Oresai]

Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone into foreclosure and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again.
"Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders:
"Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"

[Oresai]

A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.

So he says; "What's all this about?"

She says, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".

To which her hubby fires back..."What about your 50 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up." She replies!

[Oresai]

http://www.1001cats.com/images/garfield1.jpg

[Oisín]

SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF IRONY
Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony. "It was weird," Fullmer said. "I was in London and, like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather, eh?" and I thought "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather." Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time," he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them to shit and I said "Hey, great weather!".

[Oisín]

I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, “how come I never see you in here with Pete any more?”

I asked him, “would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never repays, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have and when your back is turned he tries to sleep with your wife and daughter?”

“Bloody Hell, no!” he said, somewhat flabbergasted.

“Well, neither would Pete,” I added.

[Oisín]

I'm going clubbing in Austria this year as I hear the underground house scene is really taking off.

[Oisín]

Apparently, the Popemobile has 3 inch thick bullet-proof glass.

There's f*cking faith for you.

[Oisín]

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

[Oisín]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple And says,"Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the fucking guts to pull the trigger."

[Oisín]

Jesus is sitting down one day and is visioning the high rate of drug consumption on earth in later years. He thought it was a bit hypocritical of him to condemn them without first trying them himself, so he sent his apostles out to find what drugs they could.

The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned Jesus, waiting at the door, hears a knock: "Who is it?" "It's Paul"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Paul?"

"Hashish from Morocco"

another knock ...

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia"

another knock ...

"Who is it?"

"It's Matthew"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Matthew ?"

"Cocaine from Bolivia"

This continues for a while until finally theres a 12th knock on the door

"Who is it?"

"It's Judas"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Judas?"

"FBI MOTHERFUCKERS!"

[Oisín]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

'Is there a problem Officer?'

The policeman says, 'Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?'

The driver responds, 'I'd give it to you but I don't have one.'

'You don't have one?'

The man responds, 'I lost it four times for drink driving.'

The policeman is shocked. 'I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?'

'I'm sorry, I can't do that.'

The policeman says, 'Why not?'

'I stole this car.'

The officer says, 'Stole it?'

The man says, 'Yes, and I killed the owner.'

At this point the officer is getting irate. 'You what?'

'She's in the boot if you want to see.'

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, 'Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!'

The man steps out of his vehicle. 'Is there a problem sir?'

'One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.'

'Murdered the owner?'

The officer responds, 'Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?'

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, 'Is this your car sir?'

The man says 'Yes' and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. 'One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.'

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. 'Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.'

The man replies, 'I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!

[Oisín]

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a wanker then!"

[Oisín]

This maths test can predict your all time hero, and the person you most aspire to be like. Try it without looking at the answers.

Pick a number between 1 and 9
Then x3
Then +3
Then x3 again.
You'll get a 2 digit number.
Add the two digits together to find the person you most aspire to be like.

1. Muhammed Ali
2. Alan Shearer
3. Bob Marley
4. Winston Churchill
5. Elvis Presley
6. Pele
7. John Lennon
8. Bobby Moore
9. Gary Glitter

[Oisín]

Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, its male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If SHE asks you, it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and sexy underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

Why do men die first?

Because they want to!

[Arrow Cross]

Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, its male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If SHE asks you, it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and sexy underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

Why do men die first?

Because they want to!
And then, there are the men who don't marry. They die last. ;)

[Oresai]

Yuck....


Old Tam, who had lost all his teeth, had a visit from the minister who noted that Tam had a bowl of almonds. "My brother gave me those, but I don't want them, you can have them" said Old Tam. The minister tucked into them and the said "That was a funny present to give a man with no teeth." To which Old Tam replied "Not really, they had chocolate on them..."

[Oresai]

Jock's nephew came to him with a problem. "I have my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand."
"Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.
"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."
"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"

[Oresai]

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in New York .At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

[Oresai]

(the last joke is evil! :D


http://www.hereinreality.com/resolutions.html

[Oresai]

True Funny Exam Answers


"It's not that I'm fick, but I just don't get it yeah" (1)





It's hard to believe these exam answers are true, I know standards are slipping but...

They do seem very funny though




Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
- Presumably also the inspiration of Vivaldi (don't forget the Ketchup)



Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be
made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
- (dead sheep could really block your tap)




Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.



Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.


Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.



Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
(can't argue with that)




Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.


TECHNOLOGY
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
(to keep him cool in the desert ?)




RELIGION

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.


(1) I saw this on "Have I got News for You" 10th june 2006. They also featured some other funny exam answers similar to

[Oresai]

These are actual answers to exams taken by 15 - 16 year olds. The source of many of these was I believe Richard Federer St Paul's School




Funny Exam Answers



Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth

Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

Joan of Arc was burn to a steak and was canonised by Bernard Shaw. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.

In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of the blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died of this.

During the Renaissance, history began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America whilst cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

[Oresai]

Funny Science Exam Answers

# When you breath, you inspire. When you don't breath, you expire.
# The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
For head colds, use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.
The moon is a planet just like Earth, only deader.
Artificial insemination is what the farmer does to the cow instead of the bull.
Dew is formed on leaves when sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Equator: A managerie lion running around Earth through Africa.
To remove dust from your eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Momentum. What you give a person when they are going away.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland, because it is not found in a free state.
Magnet: Something you can find crawling over a dead cat.
H20 is hot water. CO2 is cold water.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Respiration is composed of inspiration and then expectoration.
For a nosebleed: Put the nose lower than the body until the heart stops.
To prevent contraception use a condominium.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

[Oresai]

Funny GCSE Exam Answers


The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible,Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"



Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.



Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.



Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.



Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.



Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.



In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.



Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.



Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."



It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.



The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.



Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.



Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.



One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand.". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.



Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.



Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.



Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.



Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.



Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.





The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.







Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.



The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of river to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.



Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.



The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history

[Oresai]

3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."

[Oresai]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.
The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow."
The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow."
The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"

[Oresai]

:D

Every Scotsman's fantasy is to have two women....one cleaning, the other dusting...

[Ulf]

Two ships collided with one another. One was carrying red paint the other blue paint. All the seamen got marooned.

[Oresai]

Old age :p :D

http://www.oldfartcartoons.com/images/cartoon.jpg

[Oresai]

http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/rma/lowres/rman524l.jpg

[Oresai]

My favourite barbarian (after Conan :D)

http://comics.dp.cx/2008.05.25/Hagar%20the%20Horrible-2008.05.25.gif

[Oresai]

http://logo.cafepress.com/1/226254.35371.jpg

[Psychonaut]

I found this today and laughed my ass off. If you're a fundamentalist Christian you may be offended, so, reader beware:

The Christian Olympics

Commentators:
Brother Bubba, play-by-play
Brother Miles, color commentator and Bible Expert

Competitors:
Pope John Paul II
Billy Graham
Morris Cerulo
Mother Theresa
Pat Robertson
Oral Roberts
Jesse Jackson
Benny Hinn
Jerry Falwell
Atheist

Interviewer:
Manny Fortaguez

Brother Miles Long: Greetings! Welcome to the first annual
Christian Olympic Games. Coming to you live from Jerusalem is
Brother Bubba and myself Brother Miles. May the Lord Bless you all
today as we come together in Christian fellowship. Brother Bubba,
could you tell us about these games?

Brother Bubba: Certainly, but first let's bow our heads in prayer
and pray as the LORD has taught us to pray.

Dear Lord, we come together today in the spirit of competition to
praise Your mighty name. We pray that Your Kingdom will come
quickly, and we look forward to seeing Jesus in His blood drenched
robes returning to earth to wreak Your loving vengeance upon your
enemies. In the meantime, we pray that you will give us the
strength we need to deal justly and righteously with those enemies
that hate you. We will slay them all, man and woman, infant and
suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass, with the edge of the sword,
just as you told your chosen people to do to the Canaanites,
Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites: Although
we are unworthy, we also ask that you may provide us with many
young girls that have not known man by lying with him, so that we
may know them and have 30 sons and 40 grandsons who will ride upon
70 asses. Please forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin
against us, and help us to do Your will. For Your Power is great,
Your Mercy infinite, and Your Love eternal.

Miles: Amen.

Bubba: Now, about the games. This competition is modeled after
the decathlon. There are ten events, each based on a real event in
the BIBLE. Such Christians as Pope John Paul II, Billy Graham,
Morris Cerulo, Mother Theresa, Pat Robertson, Oral Roberts, Jesse
Jackson, Benny Hinn, Jerry Falwell, and Robert Tilton are with us
today to dazzle us with the LORD's power.

Miles: Why, this is the Christian Dream Team! We should see some
serious miracles!

Bubba: Amen! On a sour note though, an atheist has sued for and
won the right to compete here today. He claimed that it would be
discriminatory to exclude atheists from these games.

Miles: "The fool has said There is no God". Psalms 14:1. That
atheist fool shall surely be humiliated, just as Baal's prophets
were humiliated by Elijah, in I Kings, chapter 18.

Bubba: The events are as follows:
1. foreskin collecting
2. heathen converting
3. casting out demons
4. moving mountains
5. raising the dead
6. walking on water
7. snake juggling
8. lion taming
9. poison drinking
10. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednigo contest

Miles: Should be an interesting contest. Looks as though that
atheist won't survive! Hope he gets converted real quick or he's
going straight to Hell!

Bubba: Amen Brother Miles. Now the first contest is the foreskin
collecting contest. Each of the contestants will be taken to the
Gaza strip, given a knife, and sent out to collect as many
foreskins as possible in a 20 minute period. Each foreskin will be
worth 5 points.

Miles: King David still has the record for this event: 200
foreskins! Ouch! And that record has stood for almost 3000 years.
Don't think that we'll see that one broken today!

Bubba: Could you tell us more about that, Brother Miles?

Miles: Why, certainly. It is one of the most touching love stories
in the Bible, as told in I Samuel 18. David fell in love with King
Saul's daughter, Michal, and she was in love with him too. But
David was very poor and could not afford the dowry of a King's
daughter. Saul told David, "The king desireth not any dowry, but
an hundred foreskins of the Philistines." David was so happy to
hear this, that he left immediately and gathered, not 100, but 200
foreskins!!!

Bubba: Why, Jesus himself said to always go the extra mile. Looks
like King David took that lesson to heart!! Well, it looks like
our athletes are in position. Oh! Check out the Pope: he's saying
his Hail Mary's as he's sharpening his knife. He means business!

Miles: But I think that the "edge" is with our younger
competitors. After all, speed is definitely a factor when you're
chasing down a Palestinian! And let's face it: the Pope ain't no
spring chicken!

Bubba: And they're off: Whoa! Look at that Pope go! He's just
tackled his first Palestinian and...

Miles: MY LORD! His knife hand was so quick, it was just a blur
and...

Bubba: Look at all the blood spurt from that Palestinian! Why, I
think he's... YES, the Pope has lopped off his entire penis!

Miles: You've got to admire the Pope's zeal!!! Obviously, the LORD
is with him!

Bubba: The Pope has now cut his way to the town's marketplace, and
pandemonium has broken out!

Miles: Why, all you can see is a whirlwind of slashing steel and
pissed-off pontiff!! This is amazing!

Bubba: Now I see why they call him the Vicar of Christ on earth!
Why, if he had a sword coming out of his mouth I'd say this was
Armageddon! It looks like the tally so far is:
Pope -102
Jesse Jackson - 51
Mother Theresa -31
Morris Cerulo - 6
Billy Graham - 3
Oral Roberts - 2
Jerry Falwell - 0
Robert Tilton - 0
Pat Robertson - 0
Benny Hinn - 0
Atheist - 0

Miles: Amazing. I think the Pope is making a run at King David's
record.

Bubba: I haven't seen the Pope slow down yet, and there are still
ten minutes to go! Oh no, something is happening to Benny Hinn....

Miles: Wow! Looks like Benny Hinn is in trouble. A little
Palestinian boy has taken his knife from him, and WAIT!!! OH MY,
the little boy has chopped off Benny's penis! Let us pray.

Bubba: Look! The Pope has arrived on the scene and he's thirsting
for revenge!. He has now taken that evil Palestinian boy's penis,
and he didn't even use his knife!

Miles: As the GOOD BOOK says: An eye for an eye, a tooth for a
tooth....

Bubba: Amen. There's poor Benny, crawling on the ground,
searching for his penis. And it looks like Mother Theresa has come
over to help him, just like in that wonderful movie "Searching for
Bobbitt's Pisser." Oh look, she's found it!

Miles: God bless that woman. But what's this? SHE IS KEEPING THE
PENIS FOR HERSELF!!! She and Benny are playing tug-of-war with
Benny's penis. And it looks like Mother Theresa is winning! Poor
Benny must be weak from loss of blood!

Bubba: Looks like there are only ten seconds left. We'll give the
final tally in a moment.

Miles: What have we here??? Looks like.... Yes, it is.....
Jerry Falwell is trying to lop off Robert Tilton's penis. Can he
get it? Yes!!!!

Bubba: Right at the buzzer too! Time's up. Let's go now to Manny
Fortaguez our interviewer...

Manny: Thanks Brother Bubba. Here with me I have his Holiness
Pope John Paul II, who has just given the judges a basket brimming
with penises. Your Holiness, our unofficial tally has you at 200
foreskins, tying King David's record.
How did you do it?

Pope: Well, I just concentrated on the LORD and tried to do his
will. Jesus told me, "Just take it one penis at a time!"

Manny: Good advice for anyone, coming from Jesus. Do you think
getting revenge for Benny Hinn cost you a shot at breaking the
record?

Pope: No, I don't think so. It happened to be in my path anyway.
The LORD guided me there. I am but a tool in his loving hands.

Manny: Back to you Brother Bubba!

Bubba: Thanks Manny; Your Holiness! Looks like the official tally
is in! Oh NO! One of the penises that the Pope collected didn't
have a foreskin!

Miles: Let's run the instant replay to find out what happened.....

Bubba: Hmmm.... Looks like in the 15th minute, amidst all the
confusion, he grabbed a Jewish Rabbi by mistake and lopped off his
penis.

Miles: Ha Ha! That Rabbi won't be going to the Synagogue any
more, as Deuteronomy 23:1 tells us: "He that is wounded in the
stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter unto the
congregation of the LORD."

Bubba: Well, the Pope almost got the record. Maybe next year!
The final tally is in now. It's official.
Pope - 199
Jesse Jackson - 102
Mother Theresa -69
Morris Cerulo - 10
Billy Graham - 6
Oral Roberts - 5
Jerry Falwell - 1
Pat Robertson - 0
Atheist - 0
Robert Tilton - (-1) (injury)
Benny Hinn - (-1) (injury)

Miles: Jesse Jackson put in a strong performance, but all of Ham's
decendents seem to run very fast. Just look at the 100 meter
finals in the Olympics. Mother Theresa gave us a strong second
half performance, but I think the fight for Benny Hinn's penis
slowed her down. Still she's on pace to take the bronze. Robert
Tilton and Benny Hinn appear to be unable to continue: it must be
humiliating to lose to an atheist! But Robert Tilton may be back
later: he has wrapped an oily prayer towel around his stump -
there could be a healing coming on!

Bubba: Hold on, this just in.... The atheist has removed his
pants and is claiming to have a foreskin.

Miles: Its True! Oh LORD! He's vaulted past Pat Robertson into a
tie with Jerry Falwell.

Bubba: I think that this abuse of the rules is disgusting and
shameful! He didn't even try to collect other people's foreskins,
claiming it was 'immoral'.

Miles: Ha! If a righteous and Godly man like King David can do
it, it must be OK!

Bubba: There seems to be another controversy brewing. Pat
Robertson has filed a complaint with the Judges. In it he claims
that, according to the Bible, any woman who touches a man's
"secrets" must have her hand cut off!!!

Miles: I'm afraid that he may have a point there: check out
Deuteronomy 21:11-12. "When men strive together one with another,
and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out
of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand,
and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand,
thine eye shall not pity her." Now it's true that Mother Theresa
isn't married, but if a wife can't do it, then no woman can!

Bubba: That appears to be the Judge's ruling. The Pope is backing
them up, claiming infallibility. The other contestants are also in
agreement. They have drawn lots, and Benny Hinn has won the
privilege of cutting off her hand.

Miles: Look at that grin on Benny's face.

Bubba: He picked up the axe and is advancing towards Mother
Theresa. I don't know if I can watch this!

Miles: Pull yourself together, Bubba! It is the LORD's will. You
should rejoice! Now don't let me catch your eye pitying her again!

Bubba: Thank you, Brother Miles. I almost sinned! Mother
Theresa is praying to Jesus for forgiveness.

Miles: Jesus will forgive her once her hand has been cut off! Go
Benny!

Bubba: (with a loud wail in the background) Whoa, what a chop! He
almost got it off with one hit! This next one should do it...
Yes!!!

Miles: He demonstrated great form! Benny may not get a medal, but
at least he leaves these games with wonderful memories that will
last a lifetime!

Bubba: Looks like we are now getting ready to start our next
event: the heathen converting contest. Each of the contestants
will be go back out into the same town in the Gaza strip for one
hour and try and convert the recently circumcised Palestinians.
Could be a tough sell, but this is the DREAM TEAM.

Miles: That atheist will sure be at a disadvantage on this one.
Don't expect to see him score well.

Bubba: True. Each conversion will be worth 100 points.
Personally, I bet that atheist is going to try and cheat by
converting himself!

Miles: I wouldn't put it past him. But we know what will happen
to those false prophets! What sort of equipment do they get to
use.

Bubba: The most important tool is the red hot poker. Historically
this has been one of the best tools for bringing people into the
flock.

Miles: Although those thumbscrews are mighty convincing, too. Do
they get to use those?

Bubba: Certainly. They also get to use the rack if they want, but
that would be very heavy to carry around. I expect it won't be the
tool of choice. Looks like the Pope has opted for the poker.

Miles: He's saying his Hail Marys again as he is heating it up
with his blow torch. I won't underestimate him again. Boy is my
face red!

Bubba: Well, the timer is starting...... NOW! OH NO! Those
ungrateful Palestinians are pummeling the Dream Team with rocks.
That cowardly atheist is hiding behind a car. If it weren't for
the police, I think this crowd would commit murder!

Miles: Still, you have to believe that the love of Jesus will
prevail.

Bubba: The Dream Team is fleeing the town! They are retreating
from the angry mob!

Miles: I prefer to say that they are advancing in the opposite
direction. The LORD must be leading them to fight somewhere else.
Onward Christian Soldiers!!!

Bubba: Manny, all of them except for Jesse have just ducked into a
building. Can you tell us what it is?

Manny: The sign above the door says: The Allah Loves You Nursery
School. There should be many young souls to save in here!

Miles: Amen! The Dream Team will put the fear of God into those
little heathens! Hallelujah!

Bubba: Great! We have some action. Billy Graham has caught a
little Palestinian girl and is pistoning his red hot poker up her
butt. He's saying something to her. Manny, can you make out what
he's saying?

Manny: Yes. He's telling the little girl that Jesus loves her.
Billy is explaining that if she converts now, she'll avoid the
tortures of HELL!

Bubba: Truly inspiring words. Hey, what is that atheist doing?

Manny: That vile atheist is interfering! He took Billy's poker
away from him and is beating Billy on the head with it. Why is the
referee permitting this?!!! That disgusting atheist has prevented
the little girl from accepting Jesus!

Miles: That atheist will get what's coming to him. There is a
special place in HELL for the likes of him!!!

Bubba: Looks like Mother Theresa has put the thumbscrews on a
little boy. It must have required a great deal of dexterity to do
it with just one hand!

Manny: Hallelujah! The little boy is praising Jesus!!! We have
our first conversion! And here comes that atheist.

Miles: Ha Ha! Not fast enough, Mr. Smartass Atheist! But... Oh,
disgusting! He's attacking Mother Theresa with the poker anyway.
That atheist has the DEVIL in him!!! He has no morals
whatsoever!!!

Bubba: Hold on a sec'... Our other camera crew has been following
Jesse Jackson.

Miles: I was wondering what he's been doing.

Bubba: Well, he headed towards a Jewish settlement, and it appears
he's just found a little Jewish boy.

Miles: Look at that boy run! Still, he won't outrun Jesse.

Bubba: Jesse has just tackled the little boy. OUCH! That boy
just skinned his knee really badly.

Miles: What's Jesse got there in his hand?

Bubba: Looks like,.... Yes, it is..... He's got a needle, and
he's ready to shove under the kids fingernail.
Miles: I like his style! Can we get any sound for this?

Bubba: Certainly let's listen in!

Jesse: (shoving the needle under the fingernail) Hey, Hymie! You
think this hurts, just wait till you gets to hell!

Boy: Please don't! MOOOOMMM!

Jesse: All you have to do is accept Jesus and you will have
salvation.

Boy: (whimpering and crying) I accept Jesus.

Jesse: (twisting the needle) Do you worship and love HIM and
praise HIS mighty name?

Boy: (crying loudly) AAIIIIGGHHH! YES! I LOVE JESUS!

Miles: HALLELUJAH! Jesse has brought another lost soul into the
flock!

Bubba: Did anyone remember to bring the Holy Water for the
baptisms?

Miles: The Pope brought some. What's he been doing at that
nursery school?

Manny: Uhh, it appears that the Pope has taken a very Catholic
approach, one often used on altar boys by priests.

Bubba: In America, they throw priests in jail for using that
technique.

Miles: Well, we all know how America has turned away from GOD!!!

Bubba: Time is running out. Has the Pope gotten a conversion?

Manny: Well, I know that he has been screaming "Oh, God, YES!" for
the last 10 minutes. But the little boy has just cried in pain.

Miles: Don't you worry. The Pope will soon fill him with the Holy
Spirit, and then he'll have the JOY in his heart!

Bubba: Oops. The Buzzer! Too late! Manny, find out what that
shameful atheist has to say for himself.

Manny: Atheist, your sin is great!! You have prevented an
innocent little heathen girl from accepting Jesus, and you have
viciously attacked some of the decent, righteous Christians on the
Dream Team. What do you have to say for yourself?!

Atheist: You Christian Scum! The tortures that you inflicted on
those poor children were inhuman, they were monstrous, they were...
Miles: They were inspired by the truth of the Bible! Look at what
Moses did to the Midianites in Numbers 31: killing all the little
boys and older girls and giving the little girls to the deserving
Israelite men! Certainly, the God of Moses, who ordered the
destruction of the Midianites, would look on approvingly at the
loving torture that the Dream Team used here today!

Bubba: Why, certainly Brother Miles. After all, the goal is to
save them from the everlasting torments of HELL! No pain, No gain!
Let's talk with Jesse now.

Manny: Jesse, I hear you ran all the way to the Jewish settlement
to go for a conversion. Any reason why you decided to pass up the
needy children at this nursery school!

Jesse: Well, Manny, I figured everyone else was working on
converting them Arabs, but the LORD was calling me to convert some
Hymies.

Manny: You found one very quickly, despite your lack of knowledge
of the area. How did you do it?

Jesse: I have the LORD to thank for that, but I've also spent a
lot of time in Hymie-town, that's New York, and I have their
pattern down cold. I saw some Hymie writing on the wall, so I knew
I was heading the right direction.

Miles: The LORD was with you brother Jesse. He made sure you knew
all about the Hymies.

Jesse: That's correct. I have to give all the credit to Jesus.

Manny: Thank you, Jesse. Your performance is going a long way to
atoning for Ham's sins.

Bubba: Now for the current standings:

Pope - 995 pts.
Jesse Jackson - 610
Mother Theresa -238
Morris Cerulo - 50
Billy Graham - 30
Oral Roberts - 25
Jerry Falwell - 5
Atheist - 5
Pat Robertson - 0
Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury)
Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury)

There are two major surprises so far. First, Mother Theresa is
doing very well, and has actually made up ground on the Pope. The
second surprise is not so good. That atheist isn't bringing up the
rear as expected. Care to comment on that Brother Miles?

Miles: First, I would like to point out that Jesse Jackson is also
doing surprisingly well. Age is certainly going to affect the Pope
in later rounds. As for the disgusting display of unsportsmanlike
conduct by that atheist only one thing can be said. He is a
cheating, no good, and immoral heathen. I pray that the Lord
strikes him down before he can interfere again.

Bubba: Let me add my voice to those prayers, Brother Miles. That
atheist will soon be so busy dodging lightning bolts, he won't be
able to interfere again. Now, the next event is the casting out
demons event. The contestants will go to the main hospital here in
Jerusalem and will cast out the demons afflicting the people there.

Miles: This will be an exciting day for those people in the
hospital. For those watching, keep a close eye on Morris Cerulo.
This is his specialty!

Bubba: How do you think the Pope will do? Do you think he can
bounce back from his failure
in the previous event.

Miles: I wouldn't expect a strong showing. The Pope seems to go
through time consuming rituals when performing an exorcism and
there is a time limit of 25 minutes for this event!

Bubba: True. For those wondering how the scoring works: each
demon cast out is worth 200 points. Manny, has the hospital been
informed of the upcoming healings?

Manny: Yes, and those doctors are trying to prevent it. Their
main complaint is that all the pigs running around the building
will be unsanitary.

Miles: Those stupid doctors. What do they know about healing?
Jesus himself cast demons out of people and into pigs. It can't be
done any other way. If those doctors had read their BIBLE instead
of their medical texts, they would know this.

Bubba: I agree. I am reminded of Martin Luther's statement here,
"Idiots, the lame, the blind, the dumb, are men in whom the devils
have established themselves: and all the physicians who
heal these infirmities, as though they proceeded from natural
causes, are ignorant blockheads...."

Miles: He was an excellent authority on spiritual matters. I'm
sure our listeners thank you for translating it from the German for
them. Of course that isn't all, Luther also said that "A large
number of deaf, crippled and blind people are afflicted solely
through the malice of the demon. And one must in no wise doubt that
plagues, fevers and every sort of evil come from him."

Bubba: Back to those blockheads complaints, has anyone tried to
get them to listen to reason?

Manny: Well, it appears as though the contest will be allowed, but
only under the strictest observation.

Miles: Why, once they see those invalids jump out of traction,
those doctors won't give our Dream Team any trouble.

Bubba: OK. The contestants have just been waiting for the pig
controversy to be settled. Truckloads of pigs have just been
released inside the hospital and our contestants are OFF!

Miles: I'm so excited for those poor invalids. Still, though, I
am afraid that that atheist will try and interfere again!

Bubba: Oh No! Alarms are going off in all the rooms, especially
in the intensive care unit! What is happening, Manny?

Manny: The doctors are going nuts around here. They may be
afflicted with demons. The pigs have knocked over several IV
stands and the doctors are trying to prevent Morris Cerulo from
entering.

Miles: Those idiots! Looks like he's gotten through now!

Manny: He has! He is approaching an unconscious invalid and has
just knocked him on the head saying, "TAKE IT in JESUS's name!"
The invalid has fallen out of the bed and is quivering on the
floor!

Miles: OUR first healing! Praise JESUS!

Manny: The Pope has also come in and is sprinkling Holy Water
everywhere.

Bubba: What is he saying? I can't make it out?

Manny: He is chanting, "The power of Christ compels you! Get thee
behind me Satan!"

Miles: Looks like Morris has just ripped the bandages off that
burn victim and has smacked him on the head. Look at those pigs
run wild. They must have the demons in them!

Manny: Hallelujah! Morris has just healed another one of the
possessed. The person is flopping around and turning blue as the
demon leaves his body.

Miles: Damn that atheist! He's interfering again! He has
inserted some sort of tube back into the patients throat. Why, I
bet that the demon will crawl through that tube and possess that
poor man once again!

Bubba: It's true! He's not blue anymore! We may have to give the
atheist a negative score for that!

Manny: Oh NO! Pat Robertson tried to jump into the action, but he
slipped on some pig dung and hit his head. Hope he's all right.
It is pandemonium here. The pigs have taken over three entire
wings of the hospital. The doctors are attacking the Dream Team.
They've just jabbed the Pope in the butt with a syringe, and he's
going unconscious! Looks like they've stuck Mother Theresa, Jesse,
Oral Roberts, and Jerry Falwell with a syringe too!

Bubba: Those doctors are the ones possessed by demons! Hey, what
is that atheist doing to Pat?

Manny: The atheist has taken the Holy Water from the Pope and
thrown it on Pat! Oh NO! Pat has revived! He is healed! The
atheist has scored! Now it looks like security guards have tackled
Morris and Billy.

Bubba: What do they have in their hands?

Manny: Looks like a strait jacket. That atheist is the one that
needs the strait jacket!

Bubba: And Morris was halfway into a healing, too. He had just
ripped those wires off that patient's chest when the guards put the
strait jacket on him! Manny, what's that horrible sound coming
from the EKG?

Manny: The patient is dead, Brother Bubba! Hope that demon didn't
take his soul!

Bubba: Those security guards should be charged with murder for
interfering with Morris!

Miles: Look at that stupid atheist! He just shouted 'clear' and
stuck two paddles on that dead patient's chest. He must be trying
to shock him back to life. Doesn't he know that the raising the
dead contest isn't till later?

Bubba: Times UP!!! Let's get the Dream Team outta there!

Manny: The guards have thrown everyone out onto the street and
have begun shooting the possessed pigs. We should be able to have
quite a barbecue later.

Bubba: Great! Now we can give the hams to the starving Jews.

Miles: They should love it! I must admit, I'm looking forward to
tryin' some myself. I haven't been able to get a ham sandwich
since I got here!

Bubba: Good thing Paul said it was ok to eat pork, don't you
think?

Miles: Sure is. So, how did the scoring turn out for this event?

Bubba: Well, as expected, Morris Cerulo dominated this event with
2 1/2 healings. Surprisingly, our judges have ruled that Atheist
deserves credit for one healing. No one else managed to score.

Miles: That Dream Team was up against the Devil's front line
troops there. I just heard that over 70 people have died in that
hospital now. Can you fill us in Manny?

Manny: Certainly. It seems that the pigs knocked over IV stands
and damaged vital equipment. The iron lung is permanently out of
commission. The hospital staff is swamped and several people have
been fatally wounded after slipping in pig doo doo.

Miles: If they had left the Dream Team alone to do their good
work, this would not be happening. The Lord is visiting His swift
and just retribution upon them!

Bubba: Amen! The tally now is:

Pope - 995 pts.
Jesse Jackson - 610
Morris Cerulo - 550
Mother Theresa -238
Atheist - 205
Billy Graham - 30
Oral Roberts - 25
Jerry Falwell - 5
Pat Robertson - 0
Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury)
Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury)
Any comments Brother Miles?

Miles: As I said, Morris made his move, but still hasn't made up
enough ground to match the Pope's heroic performance in the
circumcision contest. Mother Theresa has dropped in the standings,
but I still consider her a serious medal contender, especially
since Morris is weak in the other events. The big surprise has to
be that shameful atheist. I'm beginning to wonder if Satan has
been influencing the judges. That Atheist has interfered with
Billy, Oral, Jerry, and Pat, so I don't feel their scores truly
reflect upon their faith in Jesus!

Bubba: I'm sure that atheist will get what's coming to him in the
snake juggling contest! But now, we go to the mountain moving
contest. Each contestant will get one chance to move Mount Zion.
Successfully moving the mountain will be worth 1000 points. Any
comments Brother Miles?

Miles: This should be really exciting. Don't expect anyone to
make up ground on the Pope. I'm sure they all have faith bigger
than a mustard seed, except for that atheist. That atheist will
fall behind everyone now. As the GOOD BOOK says, "Verily I say
unto you, if ye have faith and doubt not, you shall not only do
this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto
this mountain be thou removed and be thou cast into the sea; it
shall be done. And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer,
believing, ye shall receive." Matthew 21:21-22

Bubba: That dumb atheist is gonna have a pretty hard time here.
Originally this event was designed to weed out false Christians.
Personally, I thought it would be a mere formality, but now it has
real significance.

Miles: Well, the later events will do an even better job of
weeding out false Christians. Lack of faith will send that Atheist
where he belongs when it comes to snake juggling!

Bubba: The lineup will be: Jerry, Oral, Billy, Pope, Jesse,
Mother Theresa, Morris, Pat, and finally Atheist.

Miles: That Atheist will be demoralized . The mountain will
probably have been cast into the sea by the time it's his turn.

Bubba: Looks like Jerry is in position. He's raised his hands
toward heaven and is now shouting. Manny, can you fill us in on
what is happening?

Manny: Jerry has just begun his prayers and is calling on Jesus to
move this mountain.

Jerry: Be thou removed and be thou cast into the sea!

Miles: What's happening to the mountain? I haven't seen it budge.

Manny: Jerry is now falling to his knees and screaming! His face
is turning red, his features are contorted in extreme
concentration. Jerry has removed all doubt from his mind and is
focusing all of his will power on moving that mountain.

Jerry: BE THOU REMOVED AND BE THOU CAST INTO THE SEA! URRRP!...

Manny: Oh NO! Jerry has collapsed! Get the faith healers quick!

Miles: That atheist is laughing! How rude and unsportsmanlike!

Bubba: Look! Morris Cerulo, Billy Graham, Pat Robertson, and
Jesse Jackson have pulled out of this event to heal Jerry Falwell.
What sacrifices! Especially for Jesse, who is currently in second
place.

Miles: Well, surprisingly, Jerry has failed to score. But you
know the LORD works in mysterious ways. I'm sure that mountain
will move eventually.

Bubba: Now it's Oral's turn. He appears to be demoralized. Do
you think this will affect him Brother Miles.

Miles: Oral is a true believer with a wonderful zeal for doing the
Lord's work. All it takes is the faith of a mustard seed, and Oral
definitely has plenty to spare.

Bubba: Manny, fill us in on the action.

Manny: Well Bubba, Oral has begun his prayers, but he seems to be
praying silently. Very subdued. Perhaps he is grief stricken and
is praying for Jerry.

Miles: I'll bet he is calling for a 900 foot Jesus to come pick up
that mountain and carry it away!

Bubba: I don't think he is praying for the mountain to move,
'cause it isn't moving.

Miles: True. Why is that Atheist laughing again?

Bubba: He is afflicted with a demon, I think. Our judges have
ruled that Oral has not moved the mountain. Well, let's see if the
Pope can put this tragedy behind him and move this mountain.

Miles: I'm sure he won't have any trouble whatsoever, Brother
Bubba. He is definitely looking to make up for his surprisingly
low scores in the previous two events. Besides, this is his golden
opportunity to widen his lead over Jesse and Morris, now that they
are healing Jerry.

Bubba: He appears ready. Manny, why is he climbing into the Pope-
Mobile?

Manny: Well, Bubba, his valiant effort to convert that heathen boy
has sapped his energy. He is going to drive around the mountain
and bless it before he casts it into the sea.

Miles: I just love watching that Pope ride around in his Pope-
Mobile making signs of the cross at the adoring crowds. This will
be even more exciting, because each blessing he casts at that
mountain will rip apart its very foundation.

Bubba: I'm on the edge of my seat. Perhaps we should put in
earplugs for when that foundation gets torn up.

Miles: By the way, did anyone remember to warn those fisherman in
the Mediterranean that a mountain was gonna be headin' their way?

Bubba: I reckon the Lord will send an angel to warn those that
deserve it. Manny, the Pope-Mobile is now returning to the
competition area. What is it like down there?

Manny: The atmosphere here is electrifying. The only sound you
can hear is Atheist laughing.

Miles: Someone should have converted him in the second event of
this competition. He could use a red-hot poker up his butt right
now! He wouldn't be laughing then.

Manny: The Pope is now getting ready! Let's listen in. He's
beginning to chant.

Pope: Caveat Emptor! Quid pro quo! Quod erat demonstrandum! Hic
Haec Hoc! Veni, Vidi, Vici! E Pluribus Unum! Semper Fidelis! In
Nomine Patris, Et Filis, Et Spiritus Sancti! Et tu, Brute! Amen!

Miles: Hallelujah! That mountain is gonna move!

Manny: Nothing is happening! Something is wrong!

Bubba: I think the presence of a doubter is having an adverse
affect here.

Miles: That is certainly it! Even Jesus had trouble performing
miracles when doubters were present. Just check out Matthew 13:58
"And He did not many mighty works there because of their unbelief."

Bubba: Thanks for pointing out that verse for us, Brother Miles.
Some of our free thinking viewers might have lost a little faith.
Manny, are they making the Atheist leave before Mother Theresa
tries.

Manny: Yes, they are. The Atheist has been carried off: he lost
all his energy laughing.

Bubba: Great! So what is Mother Theresa doing?

Manny: She has Rosary beads out and is saying Hail Mary's over
and over. She is beginning to rock back and forth as she works up
and focuses her spiritual energy.

Miles: There is no way she'll succeed. She has her head
uncovered!

Bubba: Could you explain this problem to our viewers Brother
Miles?

Miles: I'll just let the Apostle Paul do the explaining. Check
out 1 Corinthians 11:5-6 "But every woman that prayeth or
prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoreth her head: For that
is even all one as if she were shaven. For if the woman be not
covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman
to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered."

Bubba: Amen! I don't understand why she isn't wearing her habit.

Miles: They took her head covering to make a pillow for Jerry
Falwell!

Bubba: Looks like she is failing too! Why doesn't someone shave
her?

Miles: I'm on my way! Luckily I brought my shaving kit! The Lord
knew I would need it.

Bubba: After he gets done shaving her, that mountain will
certainly move. Well, while Miles is shaving her, let's find out
what is happening with Jerry Falwell.

Manny: He's dead, Brother Bubba. It appears to have been a brain
hemorrhage. He gave a valiant effort in the name of the Lord. I'm
sure he is in heaven now cheering on his fellow Christians.

Bubba: Well, he might be brought back in the raising the dead
competition. I wouldn't count him out yet. The presence of that
doubting Atheist has sure caused a lot of problems. GREAT SCOTT!
Mother Theresa is totally bald now.

Miles: (returning) Now we will see that mountain move!

Bubba: That didn't take you long.

Miles: The Lord was with me.

Manny: The mountain still isn't moving! What could possibly be
wrong?

Bubba: Oh No! Your forgot to shave her pubes, Brother Miles.

Miles: AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH! Forgive me LORD!

Bubba: We can't cry over spilt milk. Mother Theresa's time is up.
They are now bringing the Atheist back and are telling him to move
the mountain.

Manny: Looks like Atheist has something dirty up his sleeve! He's
telling everyone to evacuate the area! He's begun digging a hole
near the base of the mountain!
Miles: Ha! At that rate it would take him 10,000 years to move
that mountain. That's longer than the universe has existed!

Bubba: The Dream Team has gathered around and is mocking the
Atheist.

Manny: The Atheist has just placed a cylindrical object in the
hole he has dug. Here he comes now! Hey Atheist, do you have
anything to say?

Atheist: RUN!

Manny: Why?

Atheist: (sprinting off) Because that Atomic Bomb is going to blow
up in 20 minutes!!!

Manny: I'm outta here!

Bubba: Well, I'm not running from that Atheist's empty threats.
However, I do hear the LORD calling me to, uhhh, heal a palsied
child on the other side of town.

Miles: Me too! And when the LIVING GOD tells you to do something,
BY GOLLY, you DO it!

Bubba: Also, we can check out the venue for our next event, the
raising the dead competition, right Brother Miles..... Uhhh,
Brother Miles?... Wait for me!

Bubba: (gasping for breath) Well, here we are at the venue for
our next event, the raising the dead competition.

Miles: I didn't realize the morgue would smell so bad. How did
the scoring end for the mountain moving contest?

Bubba: The Judges have ruled that Atheist succeeded in moving half
of the mountain, for 500 points.... The current standings are.....



Pope - 995 pts.
Atheist - 705
Jesse Jackson - 610
Morris Cerulo - 550
Mother Theresa -238
Billy Graham - 30
Oral Roberts - 25
Jerry Falwell - 5 (dead)
Pat Robertson - 0
Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury)
Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury)
Comments, Brother Miles.

Miles: Atheist has now vaulted into second place, due to some
devious cheating and underhanded scheming. However, he won't
survive our later events, so I still consider the Pope the gold
medal favorite. I also expect Mother Theresa to stay in the medal
hunt. One thing I don't understand is why they didn't also award
the points to the other competitors who prayed to move that
mountain.

Bubba: I don't understand or agree with the ruling either, Brother
Miles. I think it is pretty obvious that the LORD was just
answering their prayers in His own way, in His own time!

Miles: My point exactly! We can't question His ways or even begin
to understand them.

Bubba: Now to our next event, Raising the Dead. This event should
be extremely difficult. How do you see this round unfolding?

Miles: Well, Brother Bubba, I wouldn't expect anyone to score too
high here. This miracle is one of the most difficult to perform.
The only people to have succeeded are Elijah, Elisha, Jesus, and
Paul.

Bubba: If they succeed though, it will be worth 5,000 points.

Miles: Let me add a historical footnote here, Brother Bubba.
Elisha was so talented in this event that he actually succeeded in
raising the dead after he had already died himself. Check out
2 Kings 13:20-21 "And Elisha died, and they buried him. And the
bands of Moabites invaded the land at the coming in of the year.
And it came to pass, as they were burying a man, that, behold, they
spied a band of men; and they cast the man into the sepulchre of
Elisha: and when the man was let down, and touched the bones of
Elisha, he revived, and stood up on his feet."

Bubba: AMAZING! Even Jesus didn't do that!!!

Miles: So, I wouldn't count Jerry Falwell out. His body has been
brought to this morgue, and he could score big, even take the lead.

Bubba: OK, the competition has been joined! Let's find out from
Manny what is happening.

Manny: Well, the Dream Team seems sort of confused. The Atheist
is taunting them.

Atheist: Hey Christian scum, what happened to your faith! If you
had but the faith of a mustard seed you could raise all these
people from the dead!

Miles: Shameful. I can't wait to see him drink that poison.

Bubba: Looks like Pat Robertson has taken the initiative. What's
he doing?

Manny: Pat has just taken a dead little boy and has laid his naked
body on a table.

Miles: Has Rigor Mortis set in?

Manny: Yep, he's stiff as a board. Pat is now climbing onto the
table and is laying upon the child. He is now putting his mouth
upon the child's mouth, his eyes upon his eyes, and his hands upon
his hands... That is certainly a passionate kiss!

Miles: Why, he is using the Elisha technique. That is what Elisha
did in 2 Kings 4:34-35.

Manny: Now, he is lowering himself upon the child. Looks like the
Holy Spirit has come upon Pat. He is moaning and speaking in
tongues.

Bubba: Do you think the heat generated from friction is all that
is needed to raise the body temperature back to normal?

Miles: Unfortunately, it isn't so easy. But he seems to have a
great deal of experience using Elisha's technique.

Bubba: I wonder what technique Elisha would have used on a woman?

Miles: Good question, Brother Bubba. This technique surely
wouldn't work! WAIT!!!! DID THE BOY SNEEZE?

Manny: No, Pat farted. He's now climbed down, but the boy still
hasn't moved. The Atheist has gotten sick!

Miles: Perhaps the LORD has smitten him with a plague!

Bubba: Well, we have now run out of time and no one has scored. I
was really hoping Jerry Falwell would be returning to finish the
competition.

Manny: With me now, I am talking to Pat Robertson. Pat, that was
a wonderful and touching thing you did as you valiantly tried to
bring that boy back to us.

Pat: I did my best, but God just told me that the boy was safe and
sound playing his harp in heaven. It was not the Lord's will that
he return to face eternal judgment a second time.

Manny: Thank you, Pat.

Pat: My pleasure, Manny. After I rest a bit, I might try and
revive some other little boys, that is, if we have time.

Manny: Good luck, but I think we are leaving for the Sea of
Galilee in 5 minutes.

Bubba: Well, lets take a look at our scoreboard again. As
expected there are no changes from last round.

Pope - 995 pts.
Atheist - 705
Jesse Jackson - 610
Morris Cerulo - 550
Mother Theresa -238
Billy Graham - 30
Oral Roberts - 25
Jerry Falwell - 5 (dead)
Pat Robertson - 0
Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury)
Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury)
Comments, Brother Miles.

Miles: As I said earlier, this was the result to expect,
especially with that doubting Atheist present. Manny, is that
Atheist still alive? He shouldn't be.

Manny: He is.

to be continued...

[Psychonaut]

...continued from the last post

Bubba: Here we are at the Sea of Galilee where Jesus and Peter
walked on water. This event will test the faith of our Christian
Dream team. Those with a steady and unwavering faith will have no
problem here. The contestants will be taken out 100 meters off the
shore, and then each one will be tossed overboard to walk to shore.
The scoring works as follows. Each meter that the contestant walks
will be worth 10 points. What can we expect here Brother Miles?

Miles: Prediction. 1000 points for all the Christians, and one
very wet Atheist. What will they do if Atheist starts drowning?

Bubba: The rules clearly state that each contestant must rely on
his, and only his, own faith.

Miles: I can't wait!

Bubba: Manny, are we ready to begin?

Manny: Yes, the competitors are about to be thrown in!

Miles: What's the delay then?

Manny: Jesse Jackson says he can't swim, and everyone is
complaining about the weird shoes the atheist is wearing! Many are
worried he is trying to cheat again.

Miles: Why didn't that Jesse Jackson learn to swim at the public
swimming pools back in the 50's or 60's? Besides, what does he
have to be afraid of?

Bubba: Looks like they are off. What is happening in the water,
Manny?

Manny: Well, they are all flopping around in the water. Wait,
Atheist's shoes are inflating! He is now standing up and striding
confidently toward shore!

Miles: And the other contestants?

Manny: Everyone is desperately trying to avoid Jesse Jackson. He
is panicking and desperately grabbing people. He is looking for
someone to hold onto. He is a real menace.

Bubba: Atheist is turning back! He is rushing to help Jesse! I
can't believe he is trying to interfere again.

Miles: He has no respect for the rules of fair sportsmanship! It
makes me sick.

Manny: Atheist has just tossed one of his shoes to Jesse, and
Jesse has managed to catch it!

Bubba: Now, Atheist is swimming toward shore just like the Dream
Team. This is a shock! Our panel of judges has awarded Atheist
credit for the 10 meters he covered before rescuing Jesse,
which would give him 100 points.

Miles: WHAT! That cheating Atheist! Has he paid them off? Do
those judges worship GOD or Mammon? Surely they can't look the
other way at his cheating this time. Someone has to protest.

Bubba: You are correct Brother Miles. The other competitors have
all filed a protest claiming that
1. The atheists shoes were really a boat,
and 2. He cheated and interfered and should be penalized.
and 3. He retraced the 10 meters he covered to save Jesse,
thereby nullifying the distance.

Miles: What is the ruling?

Manny: The judges have just discussed it, and they decided that
Atheist should get nothing, since he retraced his steps. Also, the
Atheist has now been given an official warning about interfering.
On the next offense he will lose 1000 points!

Bubba: Current standings then are, after 6 rounds.

Pope - 995 pts.
Atheist - 705
Jesse Jackson - 610
Morris Cerulo - 550
Mother Theresa -238
Billy Graham - 30
Oral Roberts - 25
Jerry Falwell - 5 (dead)
Pat Robertson - 0
Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury)
Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury)
Comments, Brother Miles.

Miles: That Atheist has ruined these games. We have 1 dead and
two injured. Plus his lack of faith has adversely affected the
performance of the other contestants. Why is the LORD permitting
this?

Bubba: Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways. But now we get to
the true tests of faith: snake juggling, lion taming, poison
drinking, and the Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednigo contest!

Miles: GREAT! I feel like taking all my clothes off and dancing
around like King David, when he got that Ark back.

Bubba: Me too! The event works as follows. Each of the
contestants will grab some poisonous snakes of his/her choice and
then begin juggling them. Points will be awarded for style, and
for length of time the snakes are in the air. Every 5 seconds that
a cobra, rattlesnake, mamba, or bushmaster is in the air will be
worth 100 points. Every 5 seconds that an asp, sidewinder, or
copperhead is in the air will be worth 50 points. Finally, coral
snakes may also be juggled but for only 1 point every 5 seconds.
Now remember, the snakes must be juggled, so only the time when the
snakes are in the air will be counted.

Miles: What happens if the snake bites and hangs on?

Bubba: That will be counted as juggling. Now Brother Miles, could
you talk about the history of this event for our viewers?

Miles: Well, Jesus himself once said, "And these signs shall
follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils;
they shall speak with new tongues; They shall take up serpents; and
if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall
lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover." That is in Mark
16:17-18.

Bubba: I'm sure our viewers will notice the connection this verse
has to some of our other events. So, who was the first snake
juggler.

Miles: That honor goes to Paul himself! Acts 28 tells a wonderful
story of Paul impressing savages with his grace and style while
snake juggling!

Bubba: Could you retell it for us, Brother Miles.

Miles: Certainly. You see, Paul was on an island called Melita,
which was inhabited by barbarians. These barbarians showed him
great kindness and gave him shelter and made a fire for him. Well,
Paul went to put some wood on the fire, when LO and BEHOLD, a
poisonous viper leapt out of the fire and attached itself to him.

Bubba: Amazing! Was he frightened?

Miles: No, not Paul. But the barbarians thought Paul must be a
murderer and that this was some sort of vengeance against him.
Paul just laughed and nonchalantly tossed the snake in the fire.
When the barbarians saw that no harm came to him, they thought he
must be a god!

Bubba: Heart-warming isn't it? Well, our contestants are ready to
go! First up will be Pat Robertson, to be followed by Oral
Roberts, Billy Graham, Mother Theresa, Morris Cerulo, Jesse
Jackson, Atheist, and finally the Pope. Any predictions this time
Brother Miles?

Miles: Youth and dexterity will definitely play a factor here.
The Pope will perhaps lack a little of the hand-eye coordination
necessary here, while Mother Theresa lacks a hand: that stump will
give her problems! However, I expect them to score modestly well
with the rest of the Dream Team making up a little ground. This
could be Jesse's chance to make his move. I think it is probably
now or never for him to take the lead. Atheist is gonna bite the
dust!

Bubba: That is exactly how I expect it to unfold also. Here we
go! Manny tell what is happening!

Manny: Bubba, Pat must really be ambitious. He has called for 4
cobras, 4 rattle snakes, 2 mambas, and 2 bushmasters.

Miles: Wow! He will have to move faster than Muhammed Ali to
juggle that many! He could catch the Pope here!

Bubba: The box filled with the snakes is ready. As soon as Pat
removes them, the timer will be started!

Manny: Pat looks really nervous, but perhaps it's just excitement!
The box of snakes has just been placed in his shaking hands. Oh
NO! The box just got tipped over before Pat was ready! The snakes
are all over him!

Miles: Cool! Look at that style! He has two on his left arm, one
on his neck, 3 on his right leg, 3 on his torso, and the Piece de
Resistance, TWO on his crotch!!! My LORD, it looks like the Holy
Spirit has entered Pat: He's bouncing off the walls and spinning
like a whirligig! He must be dancing for JOY!!!

Bubba: This is reminiscent of that Paul story you told us, only it
is twelve times as impressive! Imagine if those savages had seen
this! Wait, what's happening?

Manny: Pat has fallen. Perhaps he tripped. The snakes have been
dislodged and the clock has stopped.

Bubba: But I believe he kept them in the air for 10 seconds.

Miles: Who said the men's 100 meter final in the Olympics was the
most exciting 10 seconds in sports? I challenge them to top this
record breaking performance.

Manny: Pat isn't moving. Our judges are going over to see what's
wrong...

Bubba: Maybe he hit his head on a rock when he tripped.

Miles: I suspect that Atheist is behind it somehow.

Manny: The judges think he must be exhausted from the strenuous
effort. They are taking him to a place to rest.

Miles: He'll shake it off and be back for the next event, I'm
sure.

Manny: The judges have just made an announcement: Pat has died of
unknown causes.

Miles: What a Shocker! I wonder what happened. There should be
an autopsy to discover the cause of death. He looked so vibrant
and alive when he had the snakes on him!

Bubba: Jesus said to let the dead bury the dead. Let's get back
to the action! Next up is Oral Roberts.

Manny: Oral, Billy Graham, Mother Theresa, and Jesse Jackson have
all withdrawn! Oral and Billy wish to pay their respects to Pat,
Mother Theresa doesn't want to aggravate the arthritis in her
remaining hand, and Jesse Jackson has some administrative work to
attend to for his Rainbow Coalition! Morris Cerulo has just
stepped up confidently for his turn.

Miles: He looks serious! Perhaps faith healing isn't his only
speciality.

Bubba: Morris has asked for 3 cobras and a rattlesnake.

Miles: He isn't as ambitious as Pat, but look for a big score!

Manny: Morris has just taken the box and placed it on the ground.
He is leaning over the box and has now opened the lid! He's
blocking the view, so I can't see what's happening.... Wait, there
he goes.... He now has four snakes in his hands. They aren't
moving at all... He must have quite a grip on them....

Miles: Can you hear that rattlesnake? I bet that Atheist is
scared!

Manny: He has just tossed them in the air and is trying to keep
them going..... Looks like he's dropped one.... Oh... He just
dropped them all....

Bubba: Great performance! He kept that rattle snake in the air
for 5 seconds and managed to keep the cobras in the air for 10
seconds... That's worth 700 points, putting him behind Pat, who
has 2400.

Manny: What is Atheist doing?... He's just picked up one of
Morris' snakes and ... he's claiming that it's made of rubber!

Bubba: So...

Manny: He is accusing Morris of cheating...

Miles: Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!.....

Manny: The judges have ruled that God turned the snakes to rubber
to protect Morris. The result stands.

Miles: Morris must have gotten that one from Moses! Moses changed
snakes into wood, but Morris has added a modern twist to an age-old
miracle by changing snakes into rubber! Hallelujah!

Bubba: Great! Now we get to see Atheist try.

Manny: Atheist has just put on some thick gloves and a chain mail
suit. He is now asking for four cobras.

Miles: Disgraceful! Are the referees going to permit this!

Bubba: Unfortunately the rules don't forbid it.

Manny: Atheist has just grabbed the cobras and has tossed them
into the air! The snakes are trying in vain to bite him. .... He
just dropped two... Still going.... Good form.... Oh... he
dropped the other two now.

Bubba: He kept 2 in the air for 10 seconds and the other 2 in the
air for 30. That is worth 1600 points. Giving him a total of
2305. Not enough to match Pat's performance, but enough to put him
back in second place.

Miles: No problem... The Pope will take the lead now... I bet he's
going to ask for 12 cobras, one for each of the apostles!

Manny: He just asked for 1 coral snake. It will take him forever
to score well with that.

Miles: You see, Brother Bubba! What strategy! The Pope knows he
doesn't have the speed and reflexes for a quick kill, but he has a
lot of endurance. I would compare Pat to a sprinter, and I would
compare the Pope to a marathon runner.

Manny: The Pope has grabbed the coral snake and is now tossing it
up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down...! We could be
here a while!

Bubba: To pass Atheist the Pope needs to keep this up for 1 hour,
49 minutes, and 10 seconds. To catch Pat will require over 2 hours
of work.

Miles: If anyone can do it, the Pope can....

Manny: (25 minutes later) Looks like the Pope has opted to change
styles. The snake has now bitten him between the fingers and is
hanging on....

Miles: He's just taking a break. That is why he just flopped down
on his back.

Bubba: Here comes Atheist!

Manny: Atheist has just pulled the snake off of the Pope and has
stuck a syringe into him!

Miles: He's cheating! He knew that the Pope was going to catch up
to him eventually.

Bubba: Well, that performance lasted for 25 minutes and 5 seconds,
giving the Pope 1306 total points.

Miles: Those judges have to disqualify that Atheist now.

Manny: The judges have just deducted 1,000 points from Atheist for
interfering. His next infraction will bring disqualification.
Atheist, you have continuously disrupted these games and have shown
no respect for the rules...

Atheist: I have respect for life, though. I knew that if I didn't
inject that anti-venom into him that he would die.

Manny: Ha! The Lord was protecting him.

Atheist: Yeah, just like he protected Pat Robertson! (walking
away)

Miles: That Atheist is stupid. Hasn't he read his bible? So what
is the score now?

Bubba: There has been some shuffling in the standings now. Here
is the scoreboard:

Pat Robertson - 2400 pts. (dead)
Pope - 1306
Atheist - 1305
Morris Cerulo - 1250
Jesse Jackson - 610
Mother Theresa -238
Billy Graham - 30
Oral Roberts - 25
Jerry Falwell - 5 (dead)
Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury)
Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury)
Comments, Brother Miles?

Miles: I am disgusted that the Atheist is still alive. Why is the
Lord vexing us with him? Pat has jumped into the lead, but in his
present condition I don't think he will be able to add to that
score. The Pope is still easily within striking distance of the
gold. Atheist, though only a point behind, will surely drop out of
contention soon. Morris is a big surprise. This could be the
Cinderella story of the meet! Mother Theresa is out of medal
contention now.

Bubba: Good analysis. Up next is the lion taming portion of our
program. Each of the contestants will be led one by one at 1
minute intervals into the lions cage at the Jerusalem zoo. Those
Lions haven't been fed for over a week! After remaining in the
Lion's den for 12 hours, they will leave. Successful navigation of
this grave peril is worth 1000 points. What is the history of this
event, Brother Miles?

Miles: Well, Bubba. Daniel was the first to undergo this test,
but he certainly wasn't the last! Those Romans loved sending
people who claimed to be Christians to fight lions in the arena.
However, when they realized the lions wouldn't eat true Christians,
the Romans put fake Christians, called gladiators, in there to be
eaten instead. That way people would be afraid to become
Christians.

Bubba: This strategy obviously didn't work. Well, here we go!
Manny, what is happening?

Manny: Oral has just come back from the funeral and is trying to
pull out of this event too! However, there is a no-withdrawal rule
in effect for this event: the judges just had him picked up and
thrown in!

Miles: Just wait till that Atheist goes in there. Those lions are
gonna have a feeding frenzy!

Manny: Great Scott! The lions have just mauled Oral and... blood
is spewing everywhere... Ouch! The lions have torn him into 4 big
chunks... some of the lions are rolling around in the gore. They
seem to be very grateful for this feast that the LORD has provided
for them... Aww, how cute! Look at that little lion cub gnawing
on Oral's severed head!

Miles: (smirking) Look at those chunks of flesh and skin stuck
between his teeth. Hope his mother makes him brush and floss....
We can't stress "Oral" hygiene enough to our young viewers!

Bubba: Ha Ha Ha! You're right, Brother Miles! I don't understand
why this has happened though! But we can't know everything GOD
does. HE had his reasons, I'm sure!

Miles: Correct! We shouldn't even question why this happened.
GOD is everywhere, he's omnivorous. This is all part of some
wonderful plan that He has for Oral's life.

Manny: Billy Graham has been pleading to go home! But the judges
are adamant and are pushing him into the cage. Wow! Billy has
just gone unconscious.

Miles: Amazing cool! How can he sleep at a time like this?

Manny: Billy has just been tossed to the lions and ... The lions
are gorging on him almost immediately! He hadn't even hit the
ground before they tore huge chunks from his hindquarters.

Bubba: My, My, My! The Lord surely does work in mysterious ways!
Well, I'm sure GOD won't let Mother Theresa get eaten.

Manny: Mother Theresa is whimpering and crying. She is calling on
Jesus to save her! The judges have just tossed her in too!

Miles: This should be fun to watch. I bet GOD is going to put
those lions to sleep.

Bubba: They do look a little slower. Perhaps they have been
satiated!

Manny: A lioness has just swatted Mother Theresa! She is sprawled
on the ground now.... trying to crawl away.... her stump is slowing
her down. Wow, the lioness has hooked her claws on Mother
Theresa's leg and has drug her back... the lioness is swatting her
back and forth like a pinball....

Bubba: That's got to be disorienting.

Miles: The LORD's mercy is great! He hasn't let the lioness kill
her!

Manny: Uh OH! Here comes the lion. He ... He ... Wow, it is
amazing that her entire head fit inside his mouth! He just bit it
off and swallowed it whole! Wait, Jesse and Morris are in now too!
The lions haven't noticed them yet! I was so enthralled watching
the lioness that I didn't see them thrown in! The lions seem to be
taking a siesta!

Bubba: Morris is rubbing himself with lion dung! Brilliant! Who
would want to eat food with dung all over it.

Miles: Well, Ezekiel swore by it! He used cow's dung instead of
lion's dung, though. In Ezekiel 4:7-19 he describes how to make
tasty cow dung sandwiches!

Bubba: That doesn't sound very tasty.

Miles: Au Contraire, mon frere! Why, I make my kids eat them
every day at school!

Bubba: Is that healthy?

Miles: Why, of course it's healthy! The LORD wouldn't order you
to eat anything unhealthy!

Bubba: I'll have to give it a try.

Manny: Atheist has just been thrown in... He has a whip in his
hand... But the lions are asleep now... Great, we have 4
contestants in the lions den now.... Jesse, Morris, Atheist, and
the Pope!

Miles: Wake up, kitty! Eat that Atheist! I don't understand why
that Atheist isn't being eaten.

(12 hours later)

Bubba: Well, four contestants have just walked out of the lion's
den. They seem sort of pale!
The current standings are now!
Pat Robertson - 2400 pts. (dead)
Pope - 2306
Atheist - 2305
Morris Cerulo - 2250
Jesse Jackson - 1610
Mother Theresa -238 (dead)
Billy Graham - 30 (dead)
Oral Roberts - 25 (dead)
Jerry Falwell - 5 (dead)
Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury)
Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury)
Comments, Brother Miles?

Miles: It is a tight race to the finish, but the Pope probably
can't be caught! Looks like Pat's valiant effort was for naught,
but you never know, he could still get a medal!

Bubba: Now we get to the poison drinking contest? For those of
you who wonder why this contest is here, let us remind you to read
Mark 16:17-18. The rules for this are simple: Each contestant
will be given a gallon of arsenic to chug. Points will be awarded
based on the quantity of arsenic imbibed in a 2 minute period!
Plutonium was going to be used, but the Atheist stole it to make
his atomic bomb! Drinking the whole gallon is worth 1000 points
with the rest prorated. Predictions, Brother Miles?

Miles: A fatal case of indigestion for that Atheist! I hope he
brought his Tums, 'cause I'm not going to give him any!

Bubba: Well the contestants are set... and there they go!

Manny: The contestants seem a bit reluctant to begin.... Wait,
the Pope has just filled a shot glass and has downed it! The other
contestants are watching him expectantly! He appears fine, though!

Miles: I bet that was delicious! It'd go great with a cow dung
sandwich!

Manny: Jesse and Morris have now taken heart from the Pope's
example and Morris is now chugging the gallon.... SO IS JESSE!
Wait... both of them have fallen to their knees! They are now
vomiting and turning blue! They appear to be having trouble
breathing!

Miles: Perhaps they are choking on it: they were drinking too
fast! Let this be an important lesson to our young Christians out
there. You can drink poison, but in moderation... Drinking too
fast could cause this sort of accident.

Bubba: Good point, Brother Miles. It is wonderful how the Lord
provided this lesson for our young viewers... What is Atheist
doing?

Manny: He is just standing around shaking his head in disbelief.
He was trying to get the judges to call an ambulance.

Miles: If he interferes this time, he will be disqualified. He is
too scared to drink that poison.

Bubba: Well, times up. Morris led the way with 900 points,
followed by Jesse with 700, the Pope with 25, and Atheist with 0.
Manny, interview our new leaders, Morris and Jesse.

Manny: I can't. They are dead. They drank too fast and choked on
it!

Miles: Too bad! How about that Pope though!

Manny: Your Holiness, you sparked a rally there when you drank
that shot of arsenic. What did it taste like?

Pope: Well, arsenic is just rat poison you know. It has a
metallic taste. I always put a little on my bread every morning.
My bodyguards thought it was a good idea to build up immunity to
poison.

Manny: Didn't you tell them you were already immune?

Pope: Yes, but I decided to humor them.

Manny: That was kind of you. Back to you Brother Bubba.

Bubba: Here is our new leader board:
Morris Cerulo - 3150 (dead)
Jesse Jackson - 2410 (dead)
Pat Robertson - 2400 pts. (dead)
Pope - 2331
Atheist - 2305
Mother Theresa -238 (dead)
Billy Graham - 30 (dead)
Oral Roberts - 25 (dead)
Jerry Falwell - 5 (dead)
Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury)
Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury)
Comments, Brother Miles?

Miles: That cowardly Atheist disappointed me by not drinking any
poison and dying. He can't avoid the upcoming furnace though!
Morris is the big surprise. Now in first place, with only one
round left. He will probably have to settle for the silver, though,
since the Pope will easily collect the 2000 points in the final
round. Jesse has fulfilled my earlier prediction that he would be
a serious medal threat.

Bubba: You have the gift of prophecy Brother Miles.

Miles: Thank you, Brother Bubba. I'm not just a color commentator
you know. As for Atheist, he is now out of medal contention.

Bubba: Prediction?

Miles: Atheist flambe, coming up!

Bubba: Now we have our final round of competition. The Shadrach,
Meshach, and Abednego contest. This contest is easy. Each
contestant will be tied up and tossed into a fiery furnace. All
those who walk out will receive 2000 points.

Miles: And those that don't will have begun their stay in Hell!

Bubba: True. Could you give us the history for this event,
Brother Miles?

Miles: Gladly. Three men who loved God very much refused to bow
down and worship idols to other gods. They only worshipped God!
Well, the King became very angry and had a huge furnace built.
Then Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were tied up and tossed in.
The flame was so hot that the soldiers who threw them in were
burned to death! But Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were unhurt!
Jesus himself appeared in the furnace to save them!

Bubba: Do you think we'll see Jesus today?

Miles: I guarantee it!

Bubba: Well, the Atheist has shown up wearing some really weird
suit! I think I saw one of those on a volcano special on TV.
Manny, where is the Pope?

Manny: The Pope wishes to withdraw. He has just jumped into his
Pope Mobile!

Manny: Wait.... The judges won't let him withdraw. They have
pulled him out of the Pope-Mobile and have tied him up. The
atheist has been tied up too, and the furnace is being stoked to
its hottest temperature.

Bubba: I wonder what the Pope is worried about. Perhaps he
doesn't like the smell of burning flesh.

Miles: That is probably it, Brother Bubba. The Popes these days
don't like burning people any more. Their nose is too sensitive!
I'm am so excited right now... That Atheist is gonna be toasted
tonight!

Manny: The attendants have tossed our contestants into the
furnace! The flames from the furnace have burned those attendants
to cinders!!! Smoke is everywhere, I can't see what is happening!

Miles: This is reminiscent of the story in the Bible. Now we get
to see Jesus rescue the Pope!

Manny: Look, I see a shiny figure in there! Is it the SON OF
GOD?... NO, Damn it! It's the Atheist! He has just hopped out
of the furnace with a smile on his face. There's no sign of the
Pope. Where could he be?

Bubba: Perhaps he was raptured.

Miles: No, it couldn't be that. We're still here.

Bubba: You are right..... Perhaps he was taken up into heaven,
just like Elijah and Enoch!

Miles: That is correct.... God just told me that the Pope is now
safely in heaven.

Manny: The judges are conferring... They have awarded Atheist
2000 points and the Pope 0.

Miles: WHAT!!!!!! They can't do that.... The Pope didn't die in
there.... No one saw him die....
This is the last time I cover these games. They're all rigged.

Bubba: I agree... Well, here are the final standings:
Atheist - 4305 GOLD MEDAL
Morris Cerulo - 3150 (dead) SILVER MEDAL
Jesse Jackson - 2410 (dead) BRONZE MEDAL
Pat Robertson - 2400 pts. (dead)
Pope - 2331 (missing)
Mother Theresa -238 (dead)
Billy Graham - 30 (dead)
Oral Roberts - 25 (dead)
Jerry Falwell - 5 (dead)
Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury)
Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury)

And so the first Christian Olympic Games end with a huge upset.
Any final comments, Brother Miles?

Miles: I've finally figured it out. THAT ATHEIST IS THE
ANTICHRIST! His dominance in these events are the signs and
wonders predicted in the Book of Revelation! Hallelujah! The
rapture should happen any minute now!

Bubba: Well, that wraps it up. So long from Brother Miles and
Brother Bubba and the whole crew at Christian TV. We'll be seeing
y'all in heaven real soon!

Miles: (as the camera fades back) Don't forget your harps!

[Treffie]

^Geez, that was a killer!

-------------------------

Hilary Clinton was taking a tour of a D.C. hospital while working to reform healthcare in the U.S. As she is touring, a doctor is explaining all the different functions of the hospital to her.

Eventually, they pass an open room in the inpatient ward, where Hilary could clearly see a middle aged man masturbating with great enthusiasm. The doctor quickly instructed the floor nurse to close the door. It was too late, Hilary had already seen.

She fiercely looked at the doctor and said, "What kind of hospital are you running here Doctor?"

The doctor calmly explained that the man had a very rare ailment, which required him to ejaculate three times daily, or his testicles would swell and he would die. Hilary accepted the doctor's explanation and they moved on.

A few minutes later, they came across another open room, yet this time they witnessed a nurse on her knees giving a different middle aged man oral sex. Hilary was outraged and called for an immediate explanation.

"It's very simple Mrs. Clinton", said the doctor. "This man suffers from the same ailment as the last man, however he has a much better health plan."

[Treffie]

President Vladimir Putin called President Bush with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.", replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favour, please?", said Putin.

"Yes?", replied the President.

"Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.

"No problem," replied the President and with that Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

[Treffie]

Boy: Dad, what's politics?

Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the money so we'll call me the management. Mom receives most of it so we'll call her the government. We'll call the maid the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Do you understand now son?

Boy: I still don't understand dad.

Dad: Think about it for a while son.

That night the boy wakes up because his baby brother is crying. He goes in and finds out he's soiled his diapers. He goes to tell his mom but she's asleep he goes in to the maids room but she's in there having sex with his dad. He bangs on the door but no one can here him.

The next day...

Son: Dad I understand politics now.

Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own words son.

Son: The management is screwing the working class while the government's fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is full of SHIT!

[Treffie]

TOP TEN LINES FROM INTERNET CHAT ROOMS

1 You're different... I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before.

2 I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile... but tell me more about yourself.

3 I never do Cybersex! Yet here in this room alone with you, well, I'm getting excited.

4 I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and everyone loves my body!

5 I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from working out.

6 Yes of course I'm female...

7 I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend.

8 No this is my only screen name... You mean you can have more then one?

9 I'm not like most of the guy's/gal's here, I want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other. (at the hotel coffee shop)

10 I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts (Which is true, it means: I'm horny and could care less, just type)

[Treffie]

THE COMPUTER PROGRAMMER

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

[Treffie]

BILL MEETS SATAN

Eventually, Bill croaks and Satan is there to greet him. "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows XP!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

[Treffie]

THE BLONDE TELEGRAM

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde, she'll read it very slow."

[Treffie]

BLONDE QUESTIONS ANSWERED

Q: What's a blonde's favorite wine?
A: "Daddy! can I go to Miami!

Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: There are some things even a blonde won't do.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: Why do blondes look up and smile at lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline!

Q: Why do blondes have square breasts?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box!

Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
A: Some traffic signs say stop.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the waitress when reading her nametag?
A: "Mary... that's cute. What did you name the other one?"

Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache.

[Treffie]

THE GREAT BLONDE KIDNAP

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

[Treffie]

AT THE SUPERMARKET

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.

Finally he went to the check-out line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."

"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. So, when the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the check-out counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

The clerk replied, "Your mother said that you would pay for her."

[Treffie]

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

[Treffie]

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

[Treffie]

QUOTES FROM EMPLOYEE APPRAISAL REPORTS

Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

I would not allow this associate to breed.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He would be out of his depth in a puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.

This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot

[Treffie]

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BOSS

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

[Skandi]

QUOTES FROM EMPLOYEE APPRAISAL REPORTS

Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

I would not allow this associate to breed.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He would be out of his depth in a puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.

This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot

They are from milliatary reports I have the book, it's called In confidence

[Atlas]

GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN


between 18 and 22 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

between 23 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

between 31 and 35 a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

between 36 and 40 a woman is like France, gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

between 41 and 50 a woman is like Great Britain with a glorious and all conquering past.

between 51 and 60 a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.

between 61 and 70 a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now unpatrolled.

after 70 she becomes Tibet. wildly beautiful with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.


GEOGRAPHY OF MEN

between 1 and 70 a man is like Venezuela, ruled by a dick.

[Atlas]

Little Billy walks in on mom taking a bath... points down and asks, "What is that?"
Covering herself mom replies, "It's my little black sponge now run along!"

Later... Billy has friend Tommy with him and comes up to mother and says, "Mommy... show Tommy your little black sponge."
Embarrassed mom replies, "uh... I lost it...now you to go out and play"

Later that evening Mom... as usual, calls home from work to check on everything and Billy answers the phone excited and joyful and says, "Mommy! Mommy! I found your little black sponge!"
Confused mom says, "Ok mister...where did you find it?"
Billy replies, "It's upstairs.... the maid is washing daddys face with it!!"

[Treffie]

Q. What's the first sign of MADNESS?

A. Suggs walking up your drive.


(Maybe only British music fans would get that one.:thumb001:)

[Beorn]

A woman goes to the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I've got a strange problem and I need your opinion." "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" he asked.
"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said, and standing up, proceeded to undress. When she was down to her underwear, she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs.
"They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them."
The doctor peered closely at the two circles and asked, "Are you a lesbian, by any chance?"
Embarrassed and slightly taken aback by this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs, she replied, "Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?"
"Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold."

================================================== =======

There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands.
At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.
Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!
"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.
"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

================================================== =======

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

[Treffie]

A woman goes to the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I've got a strange problem and I need your opinion." "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" he asked.
"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said, and standing up, proceeded to undress. When she was down to her underwear, she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs.
"They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them."
The doctor peered closely at the two circles and asked, "Are you a lesbian, by any chance?"
Embarrassed and slightly taken aback by this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs, she replied, "Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?"
[I] "Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold."

================================================== =======



ROFLMAO!!!:D

[Absinthe]

^ I laughed harder with the Guinness joke :D

[SuuT]

Here's your answer.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the
call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked
Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her
mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby..
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed
and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him
on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked
the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had
just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, 'He
shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place.....smack his ass again!'

[Stormraaf]

Jan, an old Afrikaner, picks up his grandson Pietie for a drive in his Mercedes - one with an upright Merc logo on the bonnet. While on the road, Pietie asks, "Oupa, what's that symbol for?" Jan jokingly replies, "it's a sight for aiming when I run blacks over."

When next Jan sees a black man walking by the side of the road, he decides to add to the joke by pretending to try and hit him. He speeds up and swerves out close to the bantu, making sure he just missed him...

But then Jan hears a thump, and, looking back in his rear view mirror, sees the black man lying by the side of the road. Confused, and now starting to get scared, Jan wonders if he had misjudged. Just then Pietie pipes up, saying, "Oupa, you need to get that sight checked - if I hadn't opened my door in time, we would have missed him!"

[Beorn]

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:



two Italian men and one Italian woman

two French men and one French woman

two German men and one German woman

two Greek men and one Greek woman

two English men and one English woman

two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman

two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

two Chinese men and one Chinese woman

two American men and one American woman

two Irish men and one Irish woman





One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:



One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor/ convenience store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, all the sales she's missing, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining. The American woman, meanwhile, watches the men fart and scratch.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied, because at least the English aren't having any fun.

[The Lawspeaker]

The teacher asks: "Fritzchen, why are you always speaking of our Soviet brothers? It's 'Soviet friends'." Fritz responds: "Well, you can pick your friends."




Honecker meets Mao and asks him: "How many political opponents do you have in China?" Mao: "I estimate about 17 million." Honecker: "Oh, that's pretty much the same here." (The GDR had 17 million inhabitants)



Honecker and Mielke (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erich_Mielke) are discussing their hobbies.
Honecker: "I collect all the jokes about me that are in circulation."

Mielke: "Then we have almost the same hobby. I collect those who bring the jokes into circulation."

[Treffie]

The bride tells her husband

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

[Treffie]

Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Treffie]

Blonde Joke

Only three doors

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[Treffie]

Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[Treffie]

Blonde paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[Treffie]

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Treffie]

Electric Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[Beorn]

The Perfect Day For Her




8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

8:30 Weigh-in 2kgs lighter than yesterday

8:45 Breakfast in bed – freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents – expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner

9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil

10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, amusing personal trainer

10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave

12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café

12:45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notice that she has gained 17kgs

1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit

3:00 Nap

4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk – says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body

5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe

7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers

10:00 Hot shower – alone

10:50 Carried to bed. Freshly ironed, crisp white linen

11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms



The Perfect Day For Him

6:00 Alarm

6:15 Blow job

6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section

7:00 Breakfast – steak and eggs, coffee and toast – all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler

7:30 Limo arrives

7:45 Several beers en route to the airport

9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet

9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)

9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)

11:45 Lunch-steak and lobster, three beers and bottle of Dom Perignon

12:15 Blow job

12:30 Play back nine (4 under)

2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)

2:30 Fly to Bahamas

3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot showing their growlers

4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) – on light tackle

5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson (bending over showing her growler, naturally)

6:45 Shit, shower and shave

7:00 Watch news – Michael Jackson assassinated

7:30 Dinner – lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits

9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV as you watch football game

9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies

11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer

11:30 Night-cap blow job

11:45 In bed alone

11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note four times and forces the dog to leave the room

11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

[SuuT]

The Perfect Day For Her




8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

8:30 Weigh-in 2kgs lighter than yesterday

8:45 Breakfast in bed – freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents – expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner

9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil

10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, amusing personal trainer

10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave

12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café

12:45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notice that she has gained 17kgs

1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit

3:00 Nap

4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk – says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body

5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe

7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers

10:00 Hot shower – alone

10:50 Carried to bed. Freshly ironed, crisp white linen

11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms



The Perfect Day For Him

6:00 Alarm

6:15 Blow job

6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section

7:00 Breakfast – steak and eggs, coffee and toast – all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler

7:30 Limo arrives

7:45 Several beers en route to the airport

9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet

9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)

9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)

11:45 Lunch-steak and lobster, three beers and bottle of Dom Perignon

12:15 Blow job

12:30 Play back nine (4 under)

2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)

2:30 Fly to Bahamas

3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot showing their growlers

4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) – on light tackle

5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson (bending over showing her growler, naturally)

6:45 Shit, shower and shave

7:00 Watch news – Michael Jackson assassinated

7:30 Dinner – lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits

9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV as you watch football game

9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies

11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer

11:30 Night-cap blow job

11:45 In bed alone

11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note four times and forces the dog to leave the room

11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep





Second Half: another day in the life of SuuT!:D





don't hate on me, LOL.



Best yet by an English mile, BeornWulfWer! - I'm still laughing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Thorum]

Perhaps the native English speakers may appreciate this the most.

"Ever hear of a weeping crab?

It's the kind of a crab that crawls on your stomach and bawls."

No applause please, just throw money.

Update: OK, ok, I'll admit, it is one of the poorest jokes I have ever heard.

[SuuT]

Perhaps the native English speakers may appreciate this the most.

"Ever hear of a weeping crab?

It's the kind of a crab that crawls on your stomach and bawls."

No applause please, just throw money.

Update: OK, ok, I'll admit, it is one of the poorest jokes I have ever heard.


:confused2: I don't get it.............

[Skandi]

I have another version of Beornwulfwers joke here but it was sent to me by a Finnish friend, most of it is the same but swap the Americans for Finns so the last line reads,

the Finnish men are at the brink of suicide, because the Finnish
lady won’t stop going on and on about the shape of her body, how she
can do what ever the men can do, complaining about the amount of
housework and, eventually, moves in to live with a Greek guy.




A company consisting of different nationalities was gathered in a
restaurant. They all ordered some wine. As the wine arrived, they all
seemed to have a fly swimming in it.
- The Swede demanded clean wine into his glass.
- The Englishman demanded clean wine and a clean glass.
- The Finn fished the fly out of the glass and drank the wine.
- The Russian drank the wine – and the fly.
- The Chinese ate the fly – but left the wine untouched.
- The Jew fished out the fly and sold it to the Chinese.
- The Romany drank two thirds of the wine and demanded new wine.
- The Norwegian fished out the fly – and went to catch some cod.
- The Irishman ground the fly, mixed it in with the wine and handed it
over to the Englishman.
- The American sued the restaurant and demanded 65 million dollars for
mental anguish.
- The Scotsman took the fly by the throat and demanded it should throw
up all the wine it drank, yer bastard.

[Loddfafner]

A company consisting of different nationalities was gathered in a
restaurant. They all ordered some wine. As the wine arrived, they all
seemed to have a fly swimming in it.
- The Swede demanded clean wine into his glass.
- The Englishman demanded clean wine and a clean glass.
- The Finn fished the fly out of the glass and drank the wine.
- The Russian drank the wine – and the fly.
- The Chinese ate the fly – but left the wine untouched.
- The Jew fished out the fly and sold it to the Chinese.
- The Romany drank two thirds of the wine and demanded new wine.
- The Norwegian fished out the fly – and went to catch some cod.
- The Irishman ground the fly, mixed it in with the wine and handed it
over to the Englishman.
- The American sued the restaurant and demanded 65 million dollars for
mental anguish.
- The Scotsman took the fly by the throat and demanded it should throw
up all the wine it drank, yer bastard.

The version I heard went like this:

A punk, a skin, and a mod walk into a bar. The bartender hands them each a beer with a fly in it. The mod turns the beer away. The punk just drinks the beer in spite of the fly. The skin grabs the fly by the wings and yells "spit it out! spit it out you bastard!"

[Treffie]

:confused2: I don't get it.............

Me neither :confused:

[Absinthe]

I had once sent this to Aemeric and he loved it. :D


The scene is a bar in Berlin in January 1933, filled with Nazis. Goering is skulling stiens of beer with the brownshirts, Goebbels is sipping cocktails with a couple of groupies and Hitler is seated with a wild-eyed Hess discussing pupil diagnostics.

An American journalist enters, sees the full crew and realizes he's sitting on the scoop of the century. He asks the barman: "Which one shall I ask for the absolute bottom line on the Nazi plans?"

"Goebbels, of course" answers the barman, "He knows everything."

The journalist approaches and says "I want the bottom line on what this Nazi thing is."

Goebbels flashes him a smile and says "We intend to kill six million Jews and one postman."

The journalist's mind races. "But why do you want to kill one postman?"

Goebbels shouts over to Hitler: "See Adolf, I told you no-one gives a damn about the Jews!"


:loco:

[Treffie]

Bet with blond

A redhead walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. She sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The redhead turns to the blonde and says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

The redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."

The redhead replies, "Honey, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again"

[Treffie]

Bad day


Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.'

And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!" "Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender. "Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !" The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day." "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!"

[Treffie]

Wall of clocks


Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Rumsfeld, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said Rumsfeld. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[Treffie]

Just relax


A man was on his death bed. His wife was stroking his hand lovingly and speaking gentle words to him for the last time.

"I gotta tell you something honey" said the man very weakly.

"No sweetie, it's all right, relax" replied the woman.

The man took a deep breath and said, "I have to say that I cheated on you with your sister, your mother and your aunt!!"

The wife cooed, "Sssshhhh, I know, just relax and let the poison do its job."

[Treffie]

It is snowing


A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him. She knocks on the window and says, “Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.” The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street. At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, “Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load.” He ignores her again and continues down the street. At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, “Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.” The trucker looks at her and finally he says, “Hi, my name is Kevin, it’s snowing, and I’m driving a salt truck.”

[Treffie]

Drinking fast


A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?”

The guy says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.”

The bartender says, “What do you have?”

The guy says, “75 cents.”

[Treffie]

The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, all right!"

The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!"

The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"

The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

[SuuT]

I despise blond/e jokes. :rolleyes:;):):D

[Treffie]

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

[Treffie]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

[Treffie]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

[Beorn]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper.
Before leaving she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32 " the clerk replies.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the same question. She replies,"I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down your panties. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead."
The old man slips both hands down her panties and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You're 47." Stunned, the woman says, "That's amazing. How do you know?".
The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's."


:laugh:

[Treffie]

"That's amazing. How do you know?".
The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's."


:laugh:


Thanks, I needed that!:laugh:

[coldielox]

Hahahahahaaaaaa

[Ulf]

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

[SuuT]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;


Two men and a woman.



For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

'Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair - Kill her!!'



The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'



The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.



The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'



Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet...


The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.



'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'



MORAL:



Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.

[Aemma]

If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn? :eek: :p

(This one courtesy of Rich Little :thumb001:)

[Manifest Destiny]

One condom turns to the other and says, "Man, I bet we get shit-faced tonight!"

[coldielox]

Omfg hahahaaa

[Beorn]

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
<cite>The army. </cite>

How can you recognise a French veteran?
<cite>Sunburned armpits.</cite>

Why are there so many tree-lined boulevards in France?
<cite>Germans like to march in the shade.</cite>

Why did it take Germany three days to conquer France in World War II?
<cite>Because it was raining. </cite>

Why did the French give America the Statue of Liberty?
<cite>Because she has only one arm raised. </cite>

Why do the French get more votes in the U.N.?
<cite>They vote with both hands. </cite>

Why is the French fighter plane called the Mirage?
<cite>It doesn't exist. </cite>

Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
<cite>Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender. </cite>

What does 'Maginot' mean in German?
<cite>Welcome! </cite>

Why is the French Foreign Legion the only decent fighting force in the whole French Army?
<cite>Because it's made up of foreigners.</cite>

What does the new French flag look like?
<cite>A white cross emblazoned on a white background. </cite>

What's the shortest book ever written?
<cite>French War Heroes. </cite>

What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
<cite>How to surrender in at least ten languages. </cite>

What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
<cite>A rear-view mirror, so they can see the war. </cite>

Why does Nike like the French Army?
<cite>Because in wartime they are the biggest buyers of running shoes. </cite>

Why did the French celebrate their World Cup in 1998 so wildly?
<cite>It was their first time they won anything without outside help.</cite>

Why do the French have glass bottom boats in their Navy?
<cite>To see all their other ships. </cite>

What did the mayor of Paris say to the German army as they entered the city in World War II?
<cite>'Table for 100,000, monsieur?' </cite>

Why are the French afraid of war?
<cite>You would be, too, if you had never won one. </cite>

How do you stop a French army on horseback?
<cite>Turn off the carousel. </cite>

Did you hear about the French admiral who wanted to be buried at sea when he died?
<cite>Five sailors died digging his grave. </cite>

What's the best thing about being French?
<cite>You can surrender at the beginning of the war and somebody else will win it for you. </cite>

'I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.'
<cite>General George S. Patton. </cite>

How do the French advertise surplus World War II rifles for sale?
<cite>'Never fired, only dropped once.'</cite>

<cite></cite>
The French government announced after the London bombings that it had raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide.
The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling its military.
<cite>
A long time ago, the British and French were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English major. They took the major to their headquarters and a French general began to question him. </cite>
The French general asked: 'Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easy targets for us to shoot?'
In his debonair English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why from that day to now, all French army officers wear brown pants.

An officer in the U.S. Naval reserve was attending a conference of officers from the U.S. navy and the French navy. At a cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that included personnel from both navies.
A French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked: 'Why is it that we have to speak English at these conferences rather than speak French?' Without hesitating, an American admiral replied: 'Maybe it's because the Brits,
Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
<cite>
In 1966, upon being told that Charles de Gaulle had taken France out of NATO and that all U.S. troops must be evacuated from French soil, President Lyndon Johnson told Secretary of State Dean Rusk: 'Ask him about the cemeteries, Dean!'
</cite><cite>So, at end of the meeting, Dean asked de Gaulle if his order to remove all U.S. troops from French soil also included the 60,000 plus soldiers buried in France from World War I and World War II. De Gaulle never answered.


http://mcadams.posc.mu.edu/blog/French.gif



</cite>

[Stormraaf]

Google the following (without the quotes): "french military victories", and click on "I'm feeling lucky". :D

[Skandi]

I'm amazed that one still works :) obviously someone has a sense of humour

[Beorn]

My favourite of today:

Q. What is the difference between toast, and the French?

A. You can make good soldiers out of toast.

:D

[Mikey]

This would be funnier if not sadly true of so many amurricans;

Sleepless in Seattle

In a Seattle Washington college classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple - the candidate must be a natural born citizen and least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, 'What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?'

Yep, these are the 18 year olds that just voted for the President of the United States.

[Absinthe]

Since we're all picking on the French today... :D

http://web.cornell.edu/studentblogs/ben/wp-content/uploads/2007/02/frog-legs-jpg.jpe

[Atlas]

http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/frencharmy.jpg

[Mikey]

Mexican Panhandling Joke

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers. They panhandle in different areas of town.

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2 to $3 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase full of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do. How do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos' sign reads, I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support. Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."

Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"

Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico.:rolleyes:

[Crose]

My fav-or-ite.

What's the difference between Batman and a black man?

Give up..?

Batman can go out at night without Robbin.

Am I going to hell? :D

[Gooding]

Originally Posted by Gooding
The Jew, the Black and the European Preservationist were walking in the desert when the Jew tripped over a genie's bottle.As the European Preservationist was laughing his ass off, the Black picked up the bottle and stroked it, singing a Barry White song softly under his breath.
A huge genie popped out, looking like an African to the Black man, like Ariel Sharon to the Jew and like Odin to the European Preservationist.
"What wishes do you have?" the genie asked brusquely."Not to be taking too much of your time, sir," said the Jew," but could I have a Howitzer so I can blow this stinking nigger away?"The black man punched the Jew senseless and stole the Howitzer.
After he shot the Jew, Sambo yelled," yo yo yo! Fo' every Black in da world, I wants to see de two Jews dead and my people back in Africa!" The genie snapped his fingers and Sambo went back to Africa, where he was promptly sliced,diced and boiled for a tribal feast.The European Preservationist nodded."Not bad. The Jews are gone, the niggers are back in Africa". The genie grinned," you get two wishes".
The E.P. thought for a moment. "You can never be too sure, so would you please provide me with your genealogical charts so I can be sure I'm talking to a white genie?" The genie shrugged."No problem". After looking through the charts, the E.P. made his request. "I'd like an iced sweet tea".

[Brynhild]

Why was the Christ child not born in Australia?

You'd have a job finding three wise men, much less a virgin!! :D

[The Lawspeaker]

Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country. Stalin says, "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue." "Why blue?" Putin asks. "Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."

The Soviet Union has launched the first man into space. A Ukrainian shepherd, standing on top of a hill, shouts over to another Ukrainian on another hill to tell the news. "Mykola!" / "Yes!" / "The moskali (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moskal) have flown to the Moon !" / "All of them?" / "No, just one." / "So why are you bothering me?"

[Maelstrom]

What looks like an egg and is in a box in time for Easter?








http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00758/SNN1915C-380_758591a.jpg

[Treffie]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Treffie]

I'm in a funny mood today so I might actually use some of these.:D

-----------------------------------

101 Ways To Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties

[Treffie]

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

[Treffie]

A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[Beorn]

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.


Devil: Why are you so sad?
Guy: Why do you think? I’m in hell.
Devil: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin’ man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Devil: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Tab. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Devil: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin’ lungs out. If you get cancer, it’s okay — you’re already dead.
Guy: Golly!

Devil: I bet you like to gamble, too.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you
name it. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don’t mean…?
Devil: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. You can do all the drugs you want, and you’ll never die — you’re already dead. Guy: Neat! I never realized hell was such a happenin’ place!

Devil: You gay?
Guy: No.












Devil: Oh, you’re gonna hate Fridays. :dev

[Barreldriver]

Do you want to see a joke? Look in a mirror. ;-;

[Mikey]

This is amusing, and it may be for real, haha:D

Subject: Somali cruise package, you will want to go!


I found a Somali cruise package that departs from Sawakin (in the Sudan ) and docks at Bagamoya (in Tanzania ). The cost is a bit high @ US$800 per person double occupancy but I didn't find that offensive.

What I found enticing is that the cruise company is encouraging people to bring their 'High powered weapons' along on the cruise. If you don't have weapons you can rent them right there on the boat. They claim to have a master gunsmith on board and will have reloading parties every afternoon. The cruise lasts from 4-8 days and nights and costs a maximum of $3200 per person double occupancy (4 days).

All the boat does is sail up and down the coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates. Here are some of the costs and claims associated with the package.

$800.00 US/per day double occupancy (4 day max billing)

M-16 full auto rental $ 25.00/day ammo at 100 rounds of 5.56 armor piercing ammo at 15.95

Ak-47 riffle @ No charge. ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 com block ball ammo at 14.95

Barrett M-107 50 cal sniper riffle rental 55.00/day ammo at 25 rounds 50 cal armor piercing at 9.95

Crew members can double as spotters for 30.00 per hour (spotting scope included).

They even offer RPG's at 75 bucks and 200 dollars for 3 standard loads

"Everyone gets use of free complimentary night vision equipment and coffee and snacks on the top deck from 7pm-6am."

Meals are not included but seem reasonable.

Most cruises offer a mini-bar... these gung ho entrepreneurs offer......... get this.....

"MOUNTED MINIGUN AVAILABLE @ 450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire"

Sign my ars up!

They advertise group rates and corporate discounts......and even claim "FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY"

They even offer a partial money back if not satisfied....here's some text from the ad.

"We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or we will refund back half your money including gun rental charges and any unused ammo (mini gun charges not included).. How can we guarantee you will experience a hijacking? We operate at 5 knots within 12 miles of the coast of Somalia . If an attempted Hijacking does not occur we will turn the boat around and cruise by at 4 knots. We will repeat this for up to 8 days making three passes a day along the entire length of Somalia . At night the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot off at intervals and loud disco music beamed shore side to attract attention. Cabin space is limited so respond quickly. Reserve your package before Feb 29 and get 100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the caliber of your choice."

As if all that isn't enough to whet your appetite, there were a few testimonials

"I got three confirmed kills on my last trip. I'LL never hunt big game in Africa again. I felt like the Komandant in Schindlers list!"---- Lars, Hamburg Germany

"Six attacks in 4 days was more than I expected. I bagged three pirates and my 12 yr old son sank two rowboats with the minigun. PIRATES 0 -PASSENGERS-32! Well worth the trip. Just make sure your spotter speaks English" ----Ned, Salt Lake city , Utah USA

"I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM . Don't worry about getting shot by pirates as they never even got close to the ship with those weapons they use and their shitty aim--reminds me of a drunken 'juicer' door gunner we picked up from the motor pool back in Nam " ----"chopper' Dan, Toledo USA .

"Like ducks in a barrel. They turned the ship around and we saw them bleed and cry in the water like little girls. Saw one wounded pirate eaten by sharks--what a laugh riot!! This is a must do. --- Zeke-Minnahaw Springs Kentucky USA

[Barreldriver]

"Here's a joke:"

"America"

:D

"Here's another joke:"

"Industry"

[Lulletje Rozewater]

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a World Bank economist are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

'Look at their reserve, their calm,' muses the Englishman. 'They must be English!'

'Nonsense,' says the Frenchman. 'They are both naked and beautiful. They must be French!'

'You are both wrong,' says the World Bank economist. 'They have no clothes and no shelter. They have only an apple to eat and they're being told they're in Paradise.

Clearly, they are South Africans!'

[Atlas]

An Englishman is on a vacation around the region of Vancouver, Canada, while in a tour bus, he turns right to the guide and just ask "is there anywhere I can smoke a fag ?" and the guide to answer : "no, we are pretty tolerant around here."

[Lulletje Rozewater]

One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".

So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry I will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.

So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".

[Lulletje Rozewater]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half-tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said. "I was a hooker in Amsterdam and I worked both sides of the canal."

[Lulletje Rozewater]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."

The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

[Lulletje Rozewater]

Three guys die and go to hell.

When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.

"Oh, how are you going to do it", asks one of the guys.

"Whatever your fathers jobs were, that's how I'll remove them" says the devil.

So he calls over the first guy "Your father was a lumberjack... So I'll cut it off with a saw"

To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off"

As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.

"Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends penises" says the devil.

"I know" replies the man "but my father was a Popsicle maker"

[Lulletje Rozewater]

I have 10 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Epol Dog food on special at Checkers and standing in line at the check out.

A black woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the Epol diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 10 pounds before I woke up in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and intravenous in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Epol nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no;" it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking my balls and a car hit me."

I thought the guy was going to have a heart attack.He was laughing so hard while he staggered out the door.

Stupid thing.. why else would I buy dogs food??

[Bloodeagle]

You Know You're In Alaska When...

. . .you take off your shirt and your arms are as pale as your legs all the way to your wrists.

. . .you know that the term "Break Up" has more to do with the weather than personal relationships.

. . .your monthly phone bill is larger than your house payment.

. . .there is a bottle of Avon's Skin-So-Soft in your tackle box.

. . .you don't know anyone who doesn't own a 4-wheeler.

. . .you have ever taken a trip "outside" and tried to cash a traveler's check, drawn on an Alaskan bank, and the cashier asked you the current exchange rate in Alaska.

. . .you have ever washed your car while there was still snow on the ground.

. . .you have ever power washed your car by parking driver's side into the rain in the morning, and passenger side into the rain in the afternoon. (a Dutch Harbor thing)

. . .you have tennis elbow but have never played tennis, just snagged a lot of salmon.

. . .you know a honey bucket is really a bucket, but it's not really full of honey. (If you don't know, don't ask)

. . .you know that the Rat Net is not a rodent catching device.

. . .you know the Naknek twitch is an illegal fishing technique, not a spasmodic muscle in your neck.

. . .you travel for two days to get outside but none of your family members will travel more than two minutes to visit you.

. . .you learned to swim indoors.

. . .you leave your Christmas lights up, year round, because as soon as it gets warm enough to take them down it starts getting dark enough to put them up again.

. . .your bedroom windows are covered in aluminum foil.

. . .you had waffle soles put on your cowboy boots.

. . .your monthly veterinarian bill is more than your own medical bill.

. . .you know that a "handi-man-jack" is a device designed to lift a car to change a flat, not a guy named Jack that comes around your house on Saturdays to repair minor problems.

. . .you know a "white out" has to do with winter conditions not correcting fluid for typos.

[The Lawspeaker]

You May Be a Taliban, If ...



You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
You have more wives than teeth.
You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'
You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

[The Lawspeaker]

Murphy's Military Law
142 of Murphy's Laws of Combat Operations.


1. Friendly fire - isn't.
2. Recoilless rifles - aren't.
3. Suppressive fires - won't.
4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.
9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
13. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. When they're ready.
b. When you're not.
16. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
18. Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
22. The easy way is always mined.
23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
24. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
28. Incoming fire has the right of way.
29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.
32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
33. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
34. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
36. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both).
37. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
38. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
39. Tracers work both ways.
40. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
41. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
42. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
44. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
45. Weather ain't neutral.
46. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
47. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
48. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go'.
49. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
50. Napalm is an area support weapon.
51. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
52. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
53. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
54. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
55. The one item you need is always in short supply.
56. Interchangeable parts aren't.
57. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
58. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
59. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
60. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
61. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
62. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
63. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
64. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
65. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
66. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
67. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
68. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
69. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
70. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
71. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
73. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
74. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
75. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
77. Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
78. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
79. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
80. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
81. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
82. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
83. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
84. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
85. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
86. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
87. Murphy was a grunt.
88. Beer Math --> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
89. Body count Math --> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
90. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
91. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
92. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
93. The crucial round is a dud.
94. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
95. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
96. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
97. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
98. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
99. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
100. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
101. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
102. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
103. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
104. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
106. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
108. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
110. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
111. Walking point = sniper bait.
112. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
113. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
114. Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.
115. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.
116. Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.
117. Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.
118. Mine fields are not neutral.
119. The weight of your equipment is proportional to the time you have been carrying it.
120. Things that must be together to work can never be shipped together.
121. If you need an officer in a hurry take a nap.
122. The effective killing radius is greater than the average soldier can throw it.
123. Professionals are predictable, its the amateurs that are dangerous.
124. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
125. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
126. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small. (or "on order")
127. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
128. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring,
he has fallen back too far.
129. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
130. If at first you don't succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn't for you.
131. Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.
132. Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
133. If you find yourself in front of your platoon they know something you don't.
134. The seriousness of a wound (in a firefight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
135. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
136. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not your friend.
137 When the enemy is closing, the artillery will always be to long
138 Smart bombs have bad days too.
139 Uncrating and assembly instructions are always inside the crate.
140 If you have a personality conflict with your superior: he has the personality, you have the conflict.
141 If you enter the CO's Presence with an idea, you will leave his Presence with the CO's idea.
142. All or any of the Murphys Laws above combined.

[Manifest Destiny]

Do you know why the British build cars instead of computers?

They haven't figured out a way to make computers leak oil.

[Bloodeagle]

Another English Auto joke::D

Lucas, the Prince of Darkness

The fallibility of Lucas electrical components is a perennial source of both consternation and humour for the nutty, sometimes erudite enthusiasts of British sports cars and motorcycles.

Lucas, the Prince of Darkness.



* Lucas is an acronym for Loose Unsoldered Connections and Splices.

* The Prince's last words to his son: "don't go riding after dark"
* The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."

* Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they still claim "sudden, unexpected darkness"

* Lucas--inventor of the first intermittent wiper.

* Lucas--inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.

* The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF.

* The other three switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.

* Lucas dip-switch positions: HIGH and BLOW

* The original anti-theft devices--Lucas Electric products.

* "I've had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never experienced any prob...

* If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.

* Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo? It sank.

* It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohms Law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much resistance.

* To owner of a Land Rover: "How can you tell one switch from another at night, since they all look the same?" Owner: "It doesn't matter which one you use, nothing happens!"

* During the 1970's, Lucas diversified its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product Lucas ever offered which didn't suck.

* Lucas Quality Control often advised the engineering department that their designs had problems with shorting out. Engineering always made the wires a little longer.

* Why do the English drink warm beer? Lucas made their refrigerators, too.

* Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, and Joseph Lucas invented the short circuit.

* Lucas systems actually use AC current; it just has a random frequency.

* How to make AIDS disappear? Give it a Lucas parts number.

* Lucas won over Bosch to supply electrics for the new Volkswagens so cars from the Black Forest have electric systems made by the Prince of Darkness.

[Treffie]

^ Hahahahaha! :D There used to be a Lucas fctory near me! :thumb001:

[Beorn]

Visitor: "Why, if T-Rex was a plant eater, do they have six inch serrated teeth?"

Guide at Creation Museum: "So they could open coconuts" (http://www.scientificblogging.com/fish_feet/t_rex_ate_coconuts)

[The Lawspeaker]

<dl><dd>Early in the morning, Honecker (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honecker) arrives at his office and opens his window. He sees the sun and says: "Good morning, dear Sun!"</dd><dd>The sun replies: "Good morning, dear Erich!"</dd><dd>Honecker works, and then at noon he heads to the window and says: "Good day, dear Sun!"</dd><dd>The sun replies: "Good day, dear Erich!"</dd><dd>In the evening, Erich calls it a day, and heads once more to the window, and says: "Good evening, dear Sun!"</dd><dd>The sun is silent.</dd><dd>Honecker says again: "Good evening, dear Sun! What's the matter?"</dd><dd>The sun replies: "Kiss my arse. I'm in the West (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/West_Germany) now."</dd></dl>

[Treffie]

Q. What's yellow and lives off dead beatles?

A. Yoko Ono

:D

[The Lawspeaker]

U.S State Mottos

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It-Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney....

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared



Things Found Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[The Lawspeaker]

Paulson's "Nigerian E-Mail Scam"
Your Urgent Help Needed

<tt>Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson </tt>

[Tabiti]

Where it all began


A little girl wrote to Sarah Palin and asked;
'How did the human race start?'
　
Sarah Palin answered, 'God made Adam and Eve;
They had children; and so was all mankind made.'
　
Two days later the girl wrote to Michelle Obama
and asked the same question.Michelle Obama answered,
'Many years ago there were monkeys fromwhich
the human race evolved.'
　

The confused girl went to her father and aid,
'Dad, how is it possible that Sarah Palin told me
the human race was created by God,
And Michelle Obama said they evolved from monkeys.'

The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple,
Sarah Palin told you about her ancestors
and Michelle Obama told you about hers.'

[Bloodeagle]

New Police Dogs

http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=a3d16646e8&view=att&th=120f57fefd427a42&attid=0.1&disp=emb&zw


FROM THE CHICAGO POLICE CHIEF:

THE CITY OF CHICAGO POLICE DEPARTMENT HAS ANNOUNCED
THIS MORNING THAT ALL GERMAN SHEPHERD POLICE DOGS
WILL BE REPLACED BY COON HOUNDS, DUE TO THE FACT THAT
THE CITY IS NOT HAVING ANY PROBLEMS WITH GERMANS.

[Treffie]

These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

-----------------------

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.

7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

----------------------------------------

Application Rejection

Baxter Conners
Vice President
Company 203
203 Wall St.
New York, NY 10015

Dear Mr. Conners,

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Sincerely,
XXXXXXXX

--------------------------------------

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.

- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.

- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.

- Old investors never die, they just roll over.

- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.

- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.

- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...

- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.

- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

- Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.

- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

- Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.

- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

- Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....

- Old printers never die, they're just not the type.

- Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.

- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.

- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.

- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.

- Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.

- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.

- Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.

- Old students never die, they just get degraded.

- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.

- Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.

- Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.

- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

[Treffie]

HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE

Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."

Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

-------------------------------------

Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation )

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,"That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)

We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Lone Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying, This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

[Paleo]

Irish Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[Paleo]

British Cops

Two men are driving through London when they get pulled over by a cop. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his stick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?" The officer answers, "You're in London son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here." The officer does a check on the driver's license, and he's O.K.. He gives the man his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him on the head with the stick. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?" The officer says, "Just making your wish come true." The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?" The officer says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your friend here, "I wish that a*shole would've tried that sh*t with me!"

[Paleo]

The Scottish bus driver
The Scottish bus driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists. The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest.
He drove by this one area and said, "Over there is where the Scottish PULVERIZED the English."
They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, "This is the place where the Scottish MASSACRED the English."
Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scottish WHIPPED the English.
About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here?"
"Not when I'm driving the bus" was the response.

[Manifest Destiny]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat! Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know what you could buy with a million dollars?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad..

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically' ?'

The boy replied, "Yes. You and I are potentially sitting on three million dollars. But realistically, we're living with two hookers and a queer."

[Lulletje Rozewater]

Boerseun in Paris
Boerseun goes to the top house of ill repute in Paris.
He goes up to the Madam and asks,.. "I want your best girl !!".
The Madam then calls her top girl, and the two of them go upstairs.
Two minutes later the girl comes down the stairs screaming,
"Nevair ! nevair ! 'ow can you ask me zat ?"
The Madam is absolutely astounded, as that this has never
happened before, but never the less she sends up her second best girl.
Two minutes later the girl also comes down the stairs screaming,
"Nevair ! nevair ! 'ow can you ask me zat ?"
The Madam is now intensely curious, since she has experienced
everything and is totally unshockable, she then decides that SHE must
go upstairs and service Boerseun herself.
Two minutes later the Madam also comes down the stairs
screaming, "Nevair ! nevair ! 'ow can you ask me zat ?"
Some guys sitting at the bar and ask her what the hell was going on.

She replies, " 'e vants to pay me in Rands !!!"

__________________________________________________ __________

A South African is enjoying a hearty breakfast - bacon, eggs, coffee, croissants, toast, butter, jam, etc. when an American, chewing gum, sits next to him and starts an unwanted conversation:


American: "You South Africans eat the whole bread?"
South African: "Of course."
American (blowing bubble with his gum): "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle, re bake them into croissants and sell them to South Africa."
South African: "Oh Really?"
American: "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
South African: "Of course."
American (chuckling and crackling his gum between his teeth): "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and left overs into containers, recycle them into jam and sell it to South Africa."
South African: "Do you have sex in America?"
American: "Of course we do."
South African: "And what do you do with the condoms?"
American: "Throw them away of course."
South African: "We don't. We pack them into containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to America."

[Beorn]

Trafalgar today!!

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir, you'll have to read this."

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or
her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this, Hardy?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, sir. We're an equal opportunity employer
now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors,
lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
..................... Full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They
won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the f***, Sir."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
barrier-free environment for the differently-abled."

Nelson: "Differently-abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such rubbish. Break out the cannons and
tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There're a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case, kiss me. Hardy"

[Beorn]

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said: "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear says: "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

[Lulletje Rozewater]

A South African, an American and a German are entering a bar.
South African says, "Bartender, give me an Black Label, please."
The American says, "Bartender, give me a Budweiser, please."
German guy hesitates, then tells the bartender to get him a peppermint tea. Other blokes, quite amused, ask the German, "So, why did you order peppermint tea?"
He replies, "Look guys, if you don't drink beer, I won't either."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Skin transplant


A married couple was
in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.
She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[Beorn]

A British policeman sick of how Britain has deteriorated goes for a job in South Africa as a police man.

After taking all the written tests and passing them with flying colours, he has to go for an interview with the officer in charge. After an hours questioning the officer says, "You are perfect for this job, your English and maths is excellent and you passed this interview with flying colours; however, we do things slightly different in Africa to England so there is one final test for you to do"

Pulling out a machine gun from the cabinet behind him he puts it on the table.
"I want you to take this gun and go out on patrol where you must shoot six blacks and a bunny rabbit"

The Brit says "Errrr why a bunny rabbit"?

"Congratulations, you have the job"

[The Lawspeaker]

Finns have a reputation (perhaps like Estonians) for being silent and slow:

Fishing Finnish style
It was a beautiful summer day, and Virtanen and Lahtinen were in a little rowboat in the middle of a lake, fishing. Two hours passed, both men sitting quietly, and then Lahtinen said "Nice weather today." Virtanen grunted and stared intently at his fishing rod.

Two more hours passed. Lahtinen said, "Gee, the fish aren't biting today." Virtanen shot back: "That's because you talk too much."

[Lulletje Rozewater]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.

FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

[lei.talk]

california girls (http://forums.skadi.net/showthread.php?p=726818#post726818), redux:

a surgeon went to check on his blonde patient
after an operation.

she was awake, so he examined her -
"You'll be fine", he said.

she asked,
"How long will it be before I am able to have sex, again, Doctor?"

the surgeon paused, before answering,
which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter, Doctor?
I will be all right, won't I?"

he replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.
It's just that no one has ever asked me that
after having their tonsils out."
...I am sure they know very well what I am talking about...:rolleyes:

[Lulletje Rozewater]

Sipho is a South Afreakan orphan.
He walks 7 km to school each day to try and get an education.

With your help and a donation of just two Rands we will be able to buy a whip and get the lazy f#@%r to run!!!!!!!!!

------------------
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

[Germanicus]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie are all walking together one day..

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.'

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming..

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Aussie says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Aussie sits down on his Harley , cracks a beer, lights a cigarette, smiles and says, 'Fill the fucker with water.'

[Skandi]

Why I am a Bilogist

From: Roberta Meeham

Date: 3 Dec 1996 23:51:04 GMT

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny



As my e-mail address indicates, I am a biologist. People sometimes ask me why. After much serious thought, I came up with this explanation: (Yes, it is original -- mine, completely mine.)



When I first started out, I was going to be a mathematician. So I took algebra, but I found that was highly variable.



So, I tried geometry. And that's where I learned all the angles.



Then I took calculus. That was truly an integrating experience, but it definitely had its limits.



After a great deal of consideration, I decided to turn away from math and give some serious thought to science.



I tried geology, but found that was kind of hard.



Next I tried physics but I knew that would never work.



And even though I'd heard chemists had all the solutions, I finally opted for biology because, after all, it's a living.

[Ulf]

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two beers.

[The Lawspeaker]

We all know- that there are several kinds of states. There are tyrannical states, socialist states, democratic states etc etc.

But none of them is worse- then the state we're in.

[Puddle of Mudd]

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar and the bartenders says, "why the long face?".

[Ulf]

two poor negroes are on the street when they come across an ad on a building saying "Be white, only 99 cents!"
they count up their change. Negro 1 only has $1, and the other guy has 98 cents.
Negro 2: "you go in there, become whiite, and then give me the penny so I can become whiite too!"
Negro 1: "that's a good idea, brutha."
so, he goes into the building. Negro 2 wait's about 5 minutes, and then his buddy comes out holding a briefcase, wearing a nice suit and tie, and he's white as hell!
Negro 2: "Look at you, you's white as hell, brutha! How about that penny so I can be white too?"
Former Negro 1 looks at him blankly: "get a job, nigger." then walks away.
----

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". So he stabs her & nicks her purse.
----
My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead

[Murphy]

Well, why don't you post some of your favourite jokes :)? They can be jokes about anything!


Jesus was walking about the corridor of heaven one morning and was quite perturbed to notice some new dubious and questionable characters. He thought they must be new admissions but was curious as to why the admission was so lenient or was it the security?

These characters should not be here he thought.

He confronted St Peter and demanded to know about them.

The gatekeeper said, “Master, the security was good and the admission was stringent. But what can we do when your mother opened the back door and windows at night and let those scoundrels in?”


After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile?

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.’

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, ' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

Regards,
Eóin.

[Murphy]

One day while he was at the track playing
the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch
noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track
and blessed the forehead of one of the horses
lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot
- won the race!

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up,
Mitch watched with interest as the old priest step
onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses
came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing
on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed
a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was
another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed
won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited
to see which horse the priest would bless for the
6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.
As the races continued the priest kept blessing
long shot horses, and each one ended up coming
in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious
money. By the last race, he knew his wildest
dreams were going to come true. He made a
quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings,
and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell
him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the
track for the last race and blessed the forehead
of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes,
ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent
he owned on the old nag. He then watched
dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.
Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to
the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded,
'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed
horses and they all won. Then in the last race,
the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile.
Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my
savings - all of it!'

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you
Protestants; you can't tell the difference
between a simple blessing and last rites!'

Regards,
Eóin.

[Beorn]

http://www.theapricity.com/forum/showthread.php?t=530&highlight=jokes

[Murphy]

http://www.theapricity.com/forum/showthread.php?t=530&highlight=jokes

I used the search function and everything :mad::mad::mad:! Oh, now I am mad.

Could someone please move my jokes to the appropriate threads, please?

Regards,
Eóin.

[Beorn]

You should start a thread on how to properly use the search function. :swl

[Murphy]

You should start a thread on how to properly use the search function. :swl

Oh, I have a joke you might like Wat, being an Englishman :D!


Paddy and Mick are on holiday in Rome, taking in all the sights and the old ruins. As they walk through the grounds of the Vatican, an elderly bloke collapses in front of them and dies from a heart attack. Several church dignitaries scurry towards the figure and as they move him, Paddy notices it's the Pope! He's been wandering the streets in mufti for a break.

"Geez, Mick, it's the Pope!" he cries. At that the church dignitaries rush over and swear both of them to silence, as they don't want the media to find out. So they agree. But then Paddy has a brainwave. "LIsten Mick, nobody else knows the Pope's dead but us. Why don't we ring the bookies in London and put a bet on it?!"

Mick agrees, and they place the bets. Then they get on with their tour.

A couple of weeks later they meet up in Dublin. "Hey, Mick", gloats Paddy, "I cleaned up on the Pope. Made a mint! What about you?'

Mick went quiet. "Ah, no good, boyo" he said, "Not a cent."

Paddy was amazed. "You're kidding! It was a dead cert."

"Yeah, well", said Mick, "I put him on a double wi' the Archbishop of Canterbury".

[Liffrea]

An asylum seeker gets off a lorry at Dover. He’s met by the Good Fairy.

She grants him three wishes.

“For my first wish I want a mountain of food, I’m starving”

Puff the food appears.

“For my second wish I want a mansion to live in”

Puff he find himself in a big old mansion.

“For my final wish I want to be British”

Puff all the food disappears and he’s back at the dock.

The asylum seeker looks put out “Hey what happened?!!”

The Good Fairy says “Your British now you’re entitled to fuck all!!” :D

[Hors]

Well, why don't you post some of your favourite jokes :)?


http://www.rzuser.uni-heidelberg.de/~el6/presentations/Irish_Americans_S2_WS2003/foto/Image7.gif

[Lars]

1. Two Greenlanders walked past a bar. LOL

2. When women are waiting for sex it's like waiting for snow. They don't know how many centimeters they get, nor how long it lasts. It gets slippery too.

3. Two boys walked down a street and saw a black man who was covered in shit from his feet to his waist. They asked him why he was wearing a dress.

4. A woman meets a man and he takes her home to his place.
His bedroom is filled with hundreds of teddy bears split into different sizes on various shelves. She chooses not to comment on this, but is touched by his tenderness. After they have been in bed together, she asks him.
"How was the sex?".
- "You can take a teddy bear from the bottom shelf!"

[Aemma]

I used the search function and everything :mad::mad::mad:! Oh, now I am mad.

Could someone please move my jokes to the appropriate threads, please?

Regards,
Eóin.

It's ok Eoin it happens to the best of us. :thumb001:

The threads have now been merged. No harm no foul, Hun. :)

[Liffrea]

A horny koala picks up a hooker, she takes him back to her place.

The koala goes down on her several times, then gives her a good hard shag. Eventually he rolls off and makes for the door.

The hooker asks him where he is going, koala says he’s off home.

The hooker picks up a dictionary looks for H and finds hooker and show him the definition; paid money for sex.

Koala shrugs takes the dictionary off her and looks under K, find koala and shows her the definition; eats bush, shoots and leaves.:D

[Murphy]

http://www.rzuser.uni-heidelberg.de/~el6/presentations/Irish_Americans_S2_WS2003/foto/Image7.gif

Wow, I've lost count of how many times some idiot or two has posted this in an attempt go get at my self. It didn't work then, and it doesn't work now: try harder, Russian.

Eóin.

[Beorn]

Advice for new Muslim immigrants to all Commonwealth Countries;

If you are trapped in a burning house or have been seriously injured and are bleeding please call.....

08463871209967583990124555676489297469971012237459 017016871
07471687102341075684710947107474846919719496196146 544499996
01265738366241958764327563901876532461889019818615 671819991
81071764551881515518991991515538189919615681691344 651856183
37012657383662419587643275639018765324618890198186 156718199

[Zyklop]

Takes a while:

http://imgur.com/X2eHz.jpg

[Manifest Destiny]

A gay guy walks into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist, "I want a tattoo of a truck on my penis."

The tattoo artist asks him, "What kind of truck did you want?"

The gay guy responds, "I don't know. But it better be a 4x4, because it's gonna get muddy!"

[Beorn]

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."

[Matritensis]

What's the difference between a pedagogue and a pedophile?

.....the pedophile likes kids.

[Lulletje Rozewater]

Boerseun was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Lutiferre monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As Boerseun sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as Boerseun hung in midair, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me?" "Come on God, give me a break!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Lutiferre monster either!"



Two cars were waiting in tandem at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them and go through the light. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move.
The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yllow and the woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams a stream of profanities and curses at the man.
The man looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red. The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection.
As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.
The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening.
After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects.
He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.
Then I noticed the: "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
So, naturally . . . . . . I assumed you had stolen the car."

The three wise men arrived at the stable in Bethlehem, eager to see Mary, Joseph and the new-born Messiah. They entered the stable, but unfortunately the first trod on a hay rake and the handle flew up and caught him a mighty blow on the nose.
"Jesus Christ!" he wailed, clutching his damaged face.
"Oooh!" said Mary, "That's a nice name, we were going to call him Eunuch"

[Matritensis]

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

[Matritensis]

An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the
First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and
it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty
minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese." The First
Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?" "Your people bombed
Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese
not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese,
Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike." Another thirty
minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like
Jew." "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." "The
Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg,
Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."

[Arrow Cross]

A plane takes off from the Tbilisi airport in Georgia. A passenger storms the pilot's cabin, waving an AK-47 rifle and demanding that the flight be diverted to Israel. The pilot shrugs OK, but suddenly the hijacker's head falls off his shoulders, and a Georgian pops from behind with a blood-drenched dagger and a huge suitcase:
-Lisssn here genatsvale: no any Israel-Misrael; fly Moscow nonstop - my roses are fading!

[The Lawspeaker]

Question: What’s the difference between acne and a priest?
Answer: Acne waits until you're 14 to cum on your face.

Question: What's the problem with Barack Obama jokes?
Answer: His followers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.

[The Lawspeaker]

Q. What's a Jewish dilemma?
A. Half-price pork.

Rabbi Altmann and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Berlin in 1935. "Herr Altmann," said his secretary, "I notice you're reading Der Stürmer! I can't understand why. A Nazi libel sheet! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Jew?"
"On the contrary, Frau Epstein. When I used to read the Jewish papers, all I learned about were pogroms, riots in Palestine, and assimilation in America. But now that I read Der Stürmer, I see so much more: that the Jews control all the banks, that we dominate in the arts, and that we're on the verge of taking over the entire world. You know – it makes me feel a whole lot better!"


A rabbi once asked his old friend, a priest, "Could you ever be promoted within your Church?"
The priest says, thoughtfully, "Well, I could become a bishop."
The rabbi persists, "And after that?"
With a pause for consideration, the priest replies, "Maybe I could be a cardinal, even."
"And then?"
After thinking for some time, the priest responds, "Someday I may even rise to be the Pope."
But the rabbi is still not satisfied. "And then?"
With an air of incredulity, the priest cries, "What more could I become? God Himself?"
The rabbi says quietly, "One of our boys made it."

[Óttar]

One of my favorites:

Person 1: "My grandfather died in a concentration camp."

Person 2: <puzzled> "Really?!"

Person 1: "Yeah, he fell off the guard tower."

--------

A conversation during Christmas dinner at my grandmother's house:

Grandma: "I remember when I was a little girl, we had this stove, called the Nuremberg stove...It was a delightful little stove."

Grandma to my mother and aunts: "Have you ever heard of the Nuremberg stove?"

My mother and aunts look at each other puzzled...(:confused:)

Grandma: "The Nuremberg stove? Come on, the Nuremberg stove. No one here remembers the Nuremberg stove!?!?"

My grandmother's friend Matt: "I betcha the Jews remember the Nuremberg stove."

:rotfl:

[The Lawspeaker]

Russian political humor:

A judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing. "I just heard the funniest joke in the world!" "Well, go ahead, tell me!" says the other judge. "I can't - I just gave a guy ten years for it!"

A person on a bus tells a joke: "Do you know why policemen always go in pairs?" / "No, why?" / "It's specialization: one knows how to read, the other - how to write." / A hand promptly grabs him by the shoulder — a policeman is standing right behind him! "Your papers!" he barks. The hapless person surrenders his papers. The policeman opens them, reads, and nods to his partner: "Write him up a citation for slandering the Soviet Militsiya, Vasya."


And another joke:

Holmes and Watson went camping. After they went to bed, in the middle of the night Holmes wakes his friend up and asks: "Tell me, Watson, what does this starry sky tell you?" -- "It tells me that the weather is going to be nice in the morning" -- "And to me it tells that someone has stolen our bloody tent!".

[Mesrine]

Three prisoners in a Chinese working camp in semi-desertic Western China. During a break, they start to talk about their condemnations.

"I'm here because I'm a filthy lazy pig, said the revolutionary tribunal.

-What did you do?

-Every day, I used to be at work 10 minutes late, at 8.10 AM. I took 10 years of camp for reactionary sabotage. And you, what was your crime?

- I'm an enemy of the revolution, said the tribunal of the people. I used to arrive at work 10 minutes early every day, at 7.50 AM. They gave me 20 years for spying. And you, poor friend, what did you do to be with us now?

- I used to be at work every morning at precisely 8.00...

-Huh? And you were condemned for that?!

-I took 30 years for petit-bourgeois conformism."

[Goidelic]

In German! :D:p

Warum hat der Jude so eine große Nase?
Weil die Luft umsonst ist. :p

[Goidelic]

Some Negro jokes I found. ;) Don't take them seriously ;), although they are funny. :p:D

Why are chimps always frowning?

They know in a million years they are going to turn into negroes.

What's the most confusing day in Harlem?

Father's Day.

Why are there no negro astronauts?

Their lips explode at 50,000 feet.

What is a negro on a bike?

Thief.

Why are blacks like sperm?

Only one in a million actually work.

What can a pizza do that a negro can't?

Feed a family of four.

Why are so many blacks moving to Detroit?

They heard there were no jobs there.

[Manifest Destiny]

Do you know who the greatest prostitute of all time was?

Ms. Pacman. For 25 cents she'd eat balls until she died.

[Eldwin]

A plane takes off from the Tbilisi airport in Georgia. A passenger storms the pilot's cabin, waving an AK-47 rifle and demanding that the flight be diverted to Israel. The pilot shrugs OK, but suddenly the hijacker's head falls off his shoulders, and a Georgian pops from behind with a blood-drenched dagger and a huge suitcase:
-Lisssn here genatsvale: no any Israel-Misrael; fly Moscow nonstop - my roses are fading!

I don't get it. :confused:

[BlueEyedBeast]

This joke is so wrong, but I think it's funny.

*ahem*

After Michael Jackson passed away, since his body was 98% plastic, the authorities decided to melt his body and mold it into legos so children could play with him for a change.

[Osweo]

I don't get it. :confused:

It's not a great joke, but it is based on the macho dagger wielding culture of Caucasians, and their typical role as peddlars and small traders in Russia (in this case selling roses grown in the south)...

[Arrow Cross]

I don't get it. :confused:
It's a reference to the aggressive Georgian rose vendors who are quite a common occurance in the 'Cow. :p

[The Lawspeaker]

At -10 degrees Celsius, heating is switched on in British homes, while Finns change into a long-sleeved shirt. At -20 Austrians fly to Malaga, while Finns celebrate midsummer. At -200 hell freezes over and Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest. At -273 absolute zero temperature is reached, all atom movement ceases. The Finns shrug and say: "Perkele, a bit chilly today, isn't it?"

[Radojica]

Old man was reading a newspapers and just when he came to the page of death certificates (so people know when somebody die, friends, etc) his grandson entered the room and said "whats up grandpa, again lurking through Facebook?" :D

Oh, and one more...

A kid, whose father is a Serb and mother a Jew had an conflict with himself so he asked his father for the advice. "Tell me father, what am i more, a Serb, or a Jew?"
"Well, i don't know, it depends, why do you ask?"
"Well, there is a guy in my school and he he wants to sell me his bike. I am not sure, should i dicker with him for the price, or just to take it from him by the force?"

[Germanicus]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

[lei.talk]

Originally Posted by nirvana123450 http://www.theapricity.com/forum/images/jagohan/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XlzPFm44Wac)
I've just put a deposit down on a porsche and mentioned it on facebook.
I can't understand why the americans are so upset.

All I said was "I can't wait for for the new 911."

However, 4000 paki's are now my friends??

[The Black Prince]

A couple in a restaurant are ready to order and call the waiter.
The waiter asks what they want to have and the woman responds:"First I take the tomato soup and for my husband a carrot soup".

The waiter notes it down and askes what they want for the main course. The woman answers:"For me the Fruits de mer and for my husband a Carrot salad".

After he has noted this down the waiter asks what they want to have for dessert. Again the woman replies and she says:"For me the Strawberry tartlet with pastry cream and for my husband a Carrot sorbet".

The waiter is by now quite curious why the woman constant orders and the man is quietly accepting carrots. So he asks the woman:"Why do you order for your husband and why does he get the carrot dish?".

The woman replies:"He fucks like a rabbit so he will also eat like a rabbit"

[Radojica]

I have one question like joke, a bit nasty.. Mods, if you think its too offensive, delete it freely :)... Ok, how to place 100 Jews in this http://e.imagehost.org/0658/Fica_final_by_Rex_Sico.jpg car? Two on front seats, two on the back seats and the rest of them in the ashtray :hides

[SuuT]

Tiger Woods Holiday Poem

'Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house,
Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.


He’d been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed,
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika - the world had the story.


From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts..


Despite all his cryin’ and beggin' and pleadin',
Tiger’s wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden .
And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If you’re gettin' laid, then I’m gettin' paid."


She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her pre-nup made Christmas come early this year.

[Lars]

Women are responsible for 75 % of all traffic accidents which are relatively much when considered that the wheel is not located in their side of the car.

[Bard]

Ok, there is a car in which are sitting 3 people, a somalian, a russian and a gypsy, who drives?
The police.
I've heard this from Henri (finntroll :p)

[The Black Prince]

Goering and Goebbels are together in a car on their way to one of Hitlers castles, to meet with him. It is foggy, they ride hard and are occupied in a fiery discussion when they hit something. Goering stops the car and gets out to take a look.

After a minuter he comes back and tells Goebbels that they have hit a dog and the animal is dead. Out of good gesture Goering is going to the farmstead nearby to tell the (most likely) owners that their dog is dead. Goebbels agrees to wait by the car, it should not take long Goering assures.

After 20 minutes, Goering still isn't back and Goebbels is now starting to worry. He decides to see whats going on and walks to the nearby farm. When he's there, he stares through the window and sees Goering drinking beer and booze and laughing with the also drinking farmer, his wife and his sons. Wondering what is going on, Goebbels knocks on the door. After knocking a few times Goering is opening the door, the farmer and his sons continue to drink in the room.

Goebbels asks what is going on. Well, says Goering, I knocked on the door and when the farmer opened the door, I said: Heil Hitler! Der hund ist Kaput!, then the farmer got so cheerfull that he offered me a drink. I would suggest you, to take a drink now too, before the man realizes that his dog is dead and not our dog.:D

[W. R.]

A very special Russian joke quite interesting from a linguistic point of view (such richness of the Russian obscene language is probably unique, or am I mistaken?):
Another series of jokes exploits the richness of the mat vocabulary, which can give a substitute to a great many words of everyday conversation. Other languages often use profanity in a similar way (like the English fuck, for example), but the highly synthetic grammar of Russian provides for the unambiguity and the outstandingly great number of various derivations from a single mat root. Emil Draitser points out that linguists explain that the linguistic properties of the Russian language rich in affixes allows for expression of a wide variety of feelings and notions using only a few core mat words [...] The following dialog at a construction site between a foreman and a worker retains a clear meaning even with all of its 14 words being derived from the single obscene word khuy. Russian language proficiency is needed to understand this. [...]

Word-by-word:
- Ohuyeli?! (Have [you] gone mad?!) Nahuya (why) dohuya (so much) huyni (of stuff) nahuyarili (you have loaded up)? Rashuyarivay (unload [it]) nahuy! (out of here)
- Huli?! (What's the problem?) Nihuya! (No way!) Nehuy (No need) rashuyarivat (to unload)! Nahuyacheno ([It] got loaded) nehuyovo! (quite well)! Pohuyuarili! (Let's go)Another joke found on the same page (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_jokes):
Natasha Rostova has her first ball and dances with Pierre Bezukhov: "Pierre, isn't that grease on your collar?"/"Oh my, how could I miss such a terrible flaw in my costume, I'm totally destroyed" (walks away). Then she dances with Kniaz Bolkonsky: "Andrew, isn't there a dip of sauce on your tunic?"/ (Bolkonsky faints). Finally she's dancing with Rzhevsky: "Poruchik, your boots are all covered in mud!"/"It's not mud, it's shit. Don't worry, mademoiselle, it'll fall off once it dries up.

[DeusEx]

Paris. Evening. A tourist got hungry, calls at a bar. A waiter goes near him and ask :
— Does Monsieur wish girl ? — No .
— Does Monsieur wish a boy ? — No.
— What is wished by a monsieur ? — I want chicken .
— Oh! Monsieur is a true connoiseur of perversions! !

[DeusEx]

Paris. Evening. A tourist got hungry, calls at a bar, reaches a dictionary and on broken French speaks to the waiter:
— Fry... Frying .... Please, duck with apples.
— ...? To you blond?.. — No, I just duck, load it with apples and fry! Dark crust!
— And! To you brunette?!
— Yes, give me finally ordinary duck loaded with apples !!!
— Oh! Monsieur is a true connoiseur of perversions!

[W. R.]

Paris. Evening. A tourist got hungry, calls at a bar, reaches a dictionary and on broken French speaks to the waiter:
— Fry... Frying .... Please, duck with apples.
— ...? To you blond?.. — No, I just duck, load it with apples and fry! Dark crust!
— And! To you brunette?!
— Yes, give me finally ordinary duck loaded with apples !!!
— About! A monsieur is known sense in perversions!Machine translation detected! :tongue

[DeusEx]

O ! My ! Whole post ? :rolleyes:

[Klärchen]

This can happen in Germany only... (http://english.netzeitung.de/?id=12) :D

[Radojica]

Chuck Norris is the only human being who survived the abortion of his mother........ :lol:

[The Lawspeaker]

Abroad they make political jokes... here we elect them.

[SuuT]

...Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have...



Ralph and Margaret were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Margaret promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Margaret's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Margaret the news she said, 'Margaret, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with hisbathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'


Margaret replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..

How soon can I go home?'

[Svanhild]

Television interview at a care home.

Interviewer: "What's the first thing you do in the morning?"
Shaky old man: "I make my morning pee."
Interviewer: "And then?"
Shaky old man: "Well well, then I've to take a dump!"
Interviewer: "Interesting...and afterwards?"
Shaky old man: "Then it's time to get up and leave my bed!"

:laugh:

[lei.talk]

Scheiss...You mean to say it's a BOY??!?!? :eek:
http://img229.imageshack.us/img229/5906/80692080sc0.jpg
Bill Kaulitz (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tokio_Hotel)
:sad_shakefist: i wish i had known - before i... :twitch:

does this mean i am gay?

[W. R.]

I recalled this one when answering about Heydrich ancestry... :rolleyes2:

***
A German, a Russian and a Jew go to maternity hospital in order take their newborn sons home. A nurse meets them and tells them unpleasant news that their children were mixed up.

The Russian enters the room where the children were and after a while brings all the three and gives one of them to the German and another one to the Jew.

"How did you manage to distinguish which one is mine, which one is yours and which one is the Jew's?" asks the German.

"Oh, that was easy", answers the Russian. "I just entered the room and shouted Sieg!. Yours squeaked Heil!, mine clenched his fists, and the Jew's crapped his pants".

[Tabiti]

Jesus arrives at the Last supper. Music, whores, food, alcohol. Jesus asks:
"Hey, what's going on here?"
"Well, Judas has sold something..."

[Liffrea]

From a friend on another forum:

A U.S. army platoon was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious on the left-hand side of the road.

On the right-hand side was a British soldier in a similar, but less serious state. The Brit was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the American platoon leader asked the injured soldier what had happened.

The soldier reported: “I was recce-ing the highway here when suddenly, coming towards me from the south was a heavily-armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

“I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein had been a miserable, lowlife scumbag who’d got what he deserved. The insurgent yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, useless, lying, one-eyed porridge wog. And furthermore, Lord Mandelson is a pillow-biting gay bastard!

“So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and ponces about like a frigid, hatchet-faced lesbian.
He retaliated by saying that so does Harriet Harman.

“And, there we were – in the middle of the road – shaking hands, when the *********g bus hit us.”

[Absinthe]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children."

The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! --
he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here"
--- and -- PING ! --
in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

"One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans" ---and --- PING ! -- The man was transformed - wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared
from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed, "Where is my new house?"

The fairy said:
"Tough shit, Amigo, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself."

And she disappeared :tongue

[Lulletje Rozewater]

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a World Bank economist are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

'Look at their reserve, their calm,' muses the Englishman. 'They must be English!'

'Nonsense,' says the Frenchman. 'They are both naked and beautiful. They must be French!'

'You are both wrong,' says the World Bank economist. 'They have no clothes and no shelter. They have only an apple to eat and they're being told they're in Paradise.

Clearly, they are South Africans!'

[Lulletje Rozewater]

http://www.gpsa.co.za/Jokes/Signs/sign43.jpg

[Lulletje Rozewater]

http://www.gpsa.co.za/Jokes/Signs/sign-i.jpg


http://www.gpsa.co.za/Jokes/Signs/giftshopsign.jpg

http://www.gpsa.co.za/Jokes/Signs/index.html

[The Lawspeaker]

Q. What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. Pimp

[Lars]

Two men from Greenland walked past a bar...LOL

[Liffrea]

Bloke walks down a street on a dark moonless night when he’s stopped by a woman, she says for £20 she will show him a good time. Bloke thinks why not and takes her back to his car, they’re both at it when a copper shines his torch through the window and asks them what they are doing, he stops when he recognises the man, oh sorry Mr Jones I didn’t realise you were with the wife………..Mr Jones looks at her and says, neither did I until you shone that light through the window…

[Beorn]

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Gordon Brown falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He
says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Brown.

"I'm sorry .. But we have our rules," Peter interjects. And, with that,
St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there .. Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Brown with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, Gord!"

"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Brown, dejectedly.
"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!"

Brown takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party (http://www.paulkavanagh.com/en/Labour-Party-Jokes.html) pulled with the European Constitution and the Education, Immigration, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time
to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Brown steps on the
elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Brown is made to hang out with a bunch of honest,
good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Harold Wilson never prepared me for this!"

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity."

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Brown reflects for a minute ... Then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren
scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland,
looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian
outback, but worse and more desolate

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained
together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black
plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Brown and puts an arm around his shoulder." I don't understand," stammers a shocked Brown, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"


:thumb001:

A little boy goes to see his dad and says, "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

His father replies, "Sure, son. What's the question?"

The little boy says, "What is politics?"

"Well son, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me 'Gordon Brown.' Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her 'Alistair Darling.' We take care of your needs, so we'll call you 'The People.' We'll call the maid 'The Working Class,' and your baby brother we can call 'The Future.' Do you understand, son?

"I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.

"Dad, now I think I understand what politics is."

"Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

"Well, dad, while Gordon Brown is screwing the Working Class, Alistair Darling is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.

:thumb001:

Gordon Brown goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor doctor, every time I look in the mirror I get aroused."
The doctor replies, "I'm not surprised...you're a cunt."

:thumb001:

[Lulletje Rozewater]

This is perhaps the most appropriate joke for the Apricity forum, although the the joke is unfortunately becoming increasingly less of a joke and more of a reality:

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, sprechen Sie Deutsch?" he says. The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez-vous français?" The two continue to stare.

"Parlare italiano?" No response.

"¿Hablan ustedes español?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first American turns to the second and says, "You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

================

Four linguists were sharing a compartment on a train on their way to an international conference on sound symbolism. One was English, one Spanish, one French and the fourth German. They got into a discussion on whose language was the most eloquent and euphonious.

The English linguist said: "Why, English is the most eloquent language. Take for instance the word "butterfly". Butterfly, butterfly... doesn't that word so beautifully express the way this delicate insect flies. It's like flutter-by, flutter-by."

"Oh, no!" said the Spanish linguist, "the word for "butterfly" in Spanish is "maripose". Now, this word expresses so beautifully the vibrant colours on the butterfly's wings. What could be a more apt name for such a brilliant creature? Spanish is the most eloquent language!"

"Papillon!" says the French linguist, "papillon! This word expresses the fragility of the butterfly's wings and body. This is the most fitting name for such a delicate and ethereal insect. French is the most eloquent language!"

At this the German linguist stands up, and demands: "Und vot is rongk mit "SCHMETTERLING"?"

=========================

A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he thought that this must be a mistake, so he knocked on the door to clarify.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman asked, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

"Pasteurized?" the milkman queried.

"No," she replied. "Just up to my tits."

===================

[SuuT]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories can be, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must have been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the girl. "My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff!,' but before she could say 'Fuck!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"





The teacher had to leave the room.

[Germanicus]

A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac who gives blow jobs for breakfast .Rich with
big tits and nice arse ,who owns a bar on a snow covered mountain,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.

(This poem doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit!)

[Radojica]

A couple of Serbs decided to be more dumb than Bosnians. So, they decided to build a bridge over the pasture where there is no river on sight. They built the bridge and some time later, a couple of Bosnians were passing by and one of them said "haha, look at those stupid Serbs, they built a bridge over the pasture". "Shut up, you idiot, can't you see ours who are already fishing there?"

[lei.talk]

...to a long-absent apricity member
(in which was detailed the days:hours:minutes
during which we had been deprived of the pleasure
of that member's company) provoked this response:

Dear Apricity,



http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/Others/others-239.gif

[esaima]

A Chukcha was elected deputy to the Supreme Soviet. When he came back to Chukotka from Moscow, people asked him, "How was the session?"

"Good, though."

"Did you criticize the government?"

"Yes, though."

"And they didn't do anything to you?"

"No, though. Chukcha criticized the Czarist government."

"???"

"Why they sold Alaska to America but not Chukotka?"

-----------------------

A foreign correspondent came to Chukotka and interviewed a Chukcha.

"What did the Soviet state give to the Chukcha people?"

"Oh, very much though. Before the revolution, a Chukcha only knew two feelings, a feeling of hunger and a feeling of cold. But now Chukcha has three feelings, though. A feeling of hunger, a feeling of cold, and a feeling of a deep moral satisfaction."

------------------------

A Chukcha was hunting in tundra when a helicopter fell to the ground and exploded. The pilot was killed, but a passenger was still alive when Chukcha approached the wreckage. The wounded man begged, "Help me. I am the Party secretary." Chukcha took his rifle and shot the man. In a minute another helicopter landed, men rushed to the wreckage, and when they saw the dead bodies, they asked, "What have you done? Why did you kill this man?"

The Chukcha answered, "Chukcha knows though, we've only one Party secretary, in Moscow."

[esaima]

Some more Chukchi jokes. They were popular when i was a teenager.

Wikipedia says so:
Chukchi, the native people of Chukotka, the most remote northeast corner of Russia, are the most common minority targeted for generic ethnic jokes in Russia — many other nations have a particular one they make fun of (cf. Poles in American humor, Newfie jokes about Newfoundlanders in Canada or jokes about Belgians in France). In jokes, they are depicted as generally primitive, uncivilized and simple-minded, but clever in a naive kind of way.
------------------------

Chukcha is sitting on the tree and chopping the branch, which supports him. Another man shouts at him: "Chukcha! You will fall!" "I don't think so, however", answers Chukcha. He is chopping and chopping and finally he falls down. He stands up, look around and thinks:"Shaman, however."

-------------------------
In the first piloted spaceflight russians sent two dogs: Belka and Strelka and a Chukcha(Siberian tribesman) . After the first hour the Earth is calling:"Belka!". "Bow!". "Press the white button!" "Bow-Wow!" After the second hour the Earth is calling:"Strelka!" "Bow!" "Press the black button!" "Bow-Wow!" After the third hour the Earth is calling: "Chukcha!" "Bow-wow!" "Stop your fucking barking, feed the dogs and touch nothing!"

---------------------------

Chukcha comes to the shaman and asks:"Will the winter this year be warm or cold?" Shaman thinks:"If I say it will be warm, he will not prepare the firewood. What will be if I will fail." So, he answers:"It will be cold." Then he becomes ashamed of himself and he goes to the meteorological station. He asks:" Do you know about the winter this year?" "It will be very cold!" "O-kh, good. Are you sure?" " Of course, you see the Chukchas prepare the firewood!!"

[Osweo]

World War Two. A stand-off in a ruined Stalingrad industrial area. A lone German sniper against a handful of Soviet soldiers. The four Soviets are hiding in a ditch, wondering how to get to safety...

Suddenly they hear a shout; 'VANYAAAAAA!!!'
- a Russian of the name Vanya peeps over the edge. 'Da?'
BANG!
His body falls down lifeless and spattered with gore.

Time passes....

Again; 'SASHAAAAAAAAA!!!!'
Instinctively, Sasha jumps up, and is shot.

Another hour...
'MISHAAAAAA!!!!!!'
- the other Russian, Misha by name, unwittingly sits up and is shot.

Only the Chukcha remains. Fingers in his ears, tears in his eyes, he beseeches the heavens; 'Please, PLEASE don't make him shout 'Idigakawakalan'!!!

[The Ripper]

Finnish gypsy joke:

A gypsy is driving along a country road, when suddenly he gets a flat tire. He pulls over, takes out the necessary tools to fix the problem and goes to work. Along the same country road, another gypsy is driving at his leisure, and he notices his kinsman on the side of the road. He pulls over behind him to see what he is up to.

-Hai, brother, what are you up to?

Somewhat annoyed at the stupid question, the other gypsy replies:

-What the hell does it look like?

The gypsy who just pulled over ponders the situation for a while, then he picks up a big rock, smashes the side window of the other gypsy's car and says:

-Fine, you take the tires, I'll get the stereos.

:D

[Grumpy Cat]

Only computer programmers will get this:

int motorcycleLoudness = 0;
int penisSize = 0;
while(penisSize--){
motorcycleLoudness++;
}