What makes a good parent?

[Stefan]

I'm very interested in this topic. What are the jobs and tasks a parent should provide for their children? This ranges from birth until you believe the children should be pushed out on their own, as well as afterwards, when these children are adults with their own families and lives. What are some mistakes many parents fall into, and how can one avoid them? Does the parent's jobs cover only developmental needs, or should there be a degree of fiscal responsibility and foresight, particularly when the children are dependent young adults (i.e Higher Education) ? What is your opinion on single parents? Do they have additional obligations, and more leniency due to these specific obligations? How might a single parent accommodate, without remarrying? How responsible should the parent be in the educational development of their children? How does one raise their kids to maintain respect and noble values?

I'm particularly interested in responses from the parents here, of course. Although, I wouldn't mind others having a discussion as well.

[RagnarLodbrok666]

How about not pushing your kids into a lifestyle and set of priorities that place gregariousness and all kinds of simple household chores above a rigorous healthy lifestyle and good career choices. This was the mistake my parents made raising me.

[Skrondsze]

This is the Bible of education:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emile,_or_On_Education

I've read it many times. If you are interested in education just don't read the crap written since the 50's. No wonder why society degenerated since then.

I believe in Hierarchy. Patriarchal organized family. Discipline, Respect and focus on Study and Empiricism. I won't say anything new, there are plenty of books such as the aforementioned.

I do can list many mistakes parents make such as: Discussing in front of children (The children must trust their parents decisions), lack of hierarchy and discipline and of course, the most important one: Parents don't know how to say no.

But really, I would advise everyone to read Rousseau's Magnum Opus.

[Sikeliot]

My views on parenting are kind of extreme and I bet no kid would want me as a parent ;)

Good parents see the benefit in;

1) Prioritizing education and success. A good parent will instill the value of hard work into their child and under NO circumstance will ever let their child think that anything is or will be handed to them on a silver platter or that it is ever okay to rely on government subsidy to live. Also, good parents do not hand out money to their children once they are of working age (here it is 16+) and if the kid does not want to work, then they do not get to make choices that require parents to spend extra money (i.e. the parent then will pick out the kid's clothes, take their car away, etc.) until that kid goes out and gets a job!

2) Discipline. Parents nowadays have become spineless with their children, in part due to the looming threat of DSS and the idea that physical discipline is child abuse. If your kid is being bratty, you must teach them respect, either by taking away their privileges or by using physical discipline when all else fails. Children shouldn't fear their parents, but they should know that it is unacceptable to disrespect them and misbehave. Children nowadays have too much power, because they know their parents cannot discipline them adequately, and this is why you end up with bratty children who get into so much trouble.

[Skrondsze]

My views on parenting are kind of extreme and I bet no kid would want me as a parent ;)

Good parents see the benefit in;

1) Prioritizing education and success. A good parent will instill the value of hard work into their child and under NO circumstance will ever let their child think that anything is or will be handed to them on a silver platter or that it is ever okay to rely on government subsidy to live. Also, good parents do not hand out money to their children once they are of working age (here it is 16+) and if the kid does not want to work, then they do not get to make choices that require parents to spend extra money (i.e. the parent then will pick out the kid's clothes, take their car away, etc.) until that kid goes out and gets a job!

2) Discipline. Parents nowadays have become spineless with their children, in part due to the looming threat of DSS and the idea that physical discipline is child abuse. If your kid is being bratty, you must teach them respect, either by taking away their privileges or by using physical discipline when all else fails. Children shouldn't fear their parents, but they should know that it is unacceptable to disrespect them and misbehave. Children nowadays have too much power, because they know their parents cannot discipline them adequately, and this is why you end up with bratty children who get into so much trouble.

I agree with every word. Especially this: using physical discipline

[PetiteParisienne]

As a mother, I have realised that one cannot truly judge how to be a good parent until you actually become one. It is a wild adventure, constantly changing.

[Frigga]

In order to be a good parent, one should be able to have empathy, compassion, patience, endurance, and consistency. And above all else, love. If you do everything with at least some of the above, you will be a good parent.

And to also remember that yes indeed you are there as a parent to help raise a child to be a good adult. But always remember this quote from Gone With The Wind:

"Curb them, but don't break their spirits."

Children are their own unique entities, and they are not extensions of their parents like a limb. They will always have their own ideas and thoughts and values, even from infancy. The job of a parent is to help them realize that there are others in the world that have thoughts and feelings as well, and to help them to be able to cope and function in the real world.

And also to remember one more thing. You as a parent are not your child's friend. You are the parent. Time enough to be their friend after they grow up. If you do your job right, they will be just that. I know that I am with my mom and stepdad.

[MarkyMark]

Thinking about your kids before you think about yourself.

[Stefan]

As a mother, I have realised that one cannot truly judge how to be a good parent until you actually become one. It is a wild adventure, constantly changing.

It sounds very challenging, but also rewarding. :)


In order to be a good parent, one should be able to have empathy, compassion, patience, endurance, and consistency. And above all else, love. If you do everything with at least some of the above, you will be a good parent.


consistency

With this quality, do you mean one should avoid contradicting themselves, in front of the child(ren) at least?


Children are their own unique entities, and they are not extensions of their parents like a limb. They will always have their own ideas and thoughts and values, even from infancy. The job of a parent is to help them realize that there are others in the world that have thoughts and feelings as well, and to help them to be able to cope and function in the real world.

I really like this, how do you know when you go too far, and you're limiting them too much? I suppose they should tell you if that is happening, right? If so, how can you be more open to seeing the signs, if they're subtle?

I'm interested: what are your (to both of you, as well as anybody else) plans for educating your child(ren)? Do you think it's crucial they should be exposed, from an early age, to a constant social environment with other children, or do you think home schooling could be a suitable option, as long as they have other means of social interaction?

[Frigga]

With this quality, do you mean one should avoid contradicting themselves, in front of the child(ren) at least?

With consistency, that means that if you say no, then you child will know that it always means no. Like if you don't want your child to touch something, you say no, and always reinforce by either taking them away from the item in question, or making sure that they do stop touching it. And that the rules are always the same, from day to day.



I really like this, how do you know when you go too far, and you're limiting them too much? I suppose they should tell you if that is happening, right? If so, how can you be more open to seeing the signs, if they're subtle?

Children will let you know when you're pushing them too much. ;) But sometimes yes the signs are subtle. If your child(ren) are happy and thriving, then you're doing alright. And always remember to take things one day at a time. Some days will be joyous, and other days will feel like a constant battle, no matter how much of an angel your child(ren) is/are.

My mother has been involved in raising children for over forty years, starting with her niece when she was 12 years old, and working in preschools, raising myself and my older brother, and my stepsister and now in her own daycare. And she has said to me many times over the years "Raising children is just like raising a puppy. The principles are exactly the same. Love, affection and consistency". If you have successfully raised a good dog from puppyhood, then you should be alright with raising a child.


I'm interested: what are your (to both of you, as well as anybody else) plans for educating your child(ren)? Do you think it's crucial they should be exposed, from an early age, to a constant social environment with other children, or do you think home schooling could be a suitable option, as long as they have other means of social interaction?

I would like to have my child go to Waldorf for kindergarten at least, so that he can have really wonderful memories of it, and to help cushion the going to school experience. But I think that being exposed to other children is a lot more important then making them the smartest person around. At the end of the day, being able to successfully interact with your fellow human being is much more important in my opinion, then being able to decipher Latin or quantum physics, or to be able to recite all of the battles that Julius Cesear won in his conquest of Gaul.

Another quality that my sister just reminded me of in regards to being a good parent, is selflessness. You will have to give up much to become a parent, but it truly is the greatest task given to us in all the world to become one. You will give up sleep, you will give up freedom, you will give up being able to take a shower every single day, you will be giving up the ability to drop everything to go somewhere on a whim. If you're a woman, you will give up having the perfect body, and you will give up your breasts until your baby is weaned, and you will give up having smooth skin where stretch marks now live. But it is all for the greatest little creature that your eyes have ever beheld, and at the end of the day, that is all that really matters.

So, it is above all else, love that makes a good parent. Love, and sacrifice. The rest will come to you as you go along.

[sturmwalkure]

Magda and Joseph Goebbels come to mind when I think of good parents. The Reichminister and his wife took the lives of their lovely children before in turn committing suicide them selves. A lot of people would say such an act is cowardly but we do not know that much about the atmosphere in Berlin during that time. It was either that or being captured and humiliated by the impending Bolshevik hordes.

“In the days to come Joseph will be regarded as one of the greatest criminals Germany has ever produced. The children will hear that daily, people would torment them, despise and humiliate them. We will take them with us, they are too good, too lovely for the world which lies ahead”.

[Mortimer]

to provide for the child, to protect the child, to educate the child, and to give love to the child

[Frigga]

Magda and Joseph Goebbels come to mind when I think of good parents. The Reichminister and his wife took the lives of their lovely children before in turn committing suicide them selves. A lot of people would say such an act is cowardly but we do not know that much about the atmosphere in Berlin during that time. It was either that or being captured and humiliated by the impending Bolshevik hordes.

“In the days to come Joseph will be regarded as one of the greatest criminals Germany has ever produced. The children will hear that daily, people would torment them, despise and humiliate them. We will take them with us, they are too good, too lovely for the world which lies ahead”.

What.....? :suspicious:

I don't think that you're right with that opinion, but hey, you're entitled to it! :thumbs up

[Mortimer]

to provide for the child, to protect the child, to educate the child, and to give love to the child

I dont know if I could be a good parent though, its easy to say it but to practice it, is often difficult

[Skrondsze]

I dont know if I could be a good parent though, its easy to say it but to practice it, is often difficult

If you are disciplined then you have a very good chance. Actually, disciplined people have higher chances to get anything they want... but it still counts. A parent must be firm with his own decisions and create a family institution in which hierarchy is clear for everyone.

If you want to practice your firmness have a dog and make him obey you. I have one and I can make my dog do anything I want (no, I don't beat him). If you fail with a dog chances are you aren't ready to be a parent.

[sturmwalkure]

What.....? :suspicious:

I don't think that you're right with that opinion, but hey, you're entitled to it! :thumbs up

Think about it this way. What if everything you'd worked for for twelve years has been destroyed? I mean who knows just how it was in Berlin during those days that drew them to commit such an act. They were great parents and they loved their children so very much while they were alive. I am sure they didn't anticipate how the glorious Reich would have come to a close. I mean what if an marauding enemy army was approaching your home and there had been reports they were raping and slaughtering people? And for certain this enemy would humiliate you and your family. We saw what happened to the Nazis who were put on the Nuremberg "trials". Would you be able to live with seeing them tortured by an enemy army? Just saying the times were very different back then and I am sure if it hadn't turned out as it was the lovely Goebbels children would have grown up in a safe and better Germany. But we all know what happened during the latter end of the war. I would do the same for my family if an enemy army was approaching in a similar manner. Berlin was in ruins, most German cities as they were bombed to the stone age, millions of the finest German men were either killed in battle or tired from the war, the rest of the population weary. Everything Goebbels and the rest of the NSDAP worked for was rubble literally. Their children would have faced humiliation and torture at the least. The children of Leon Degrelle, a high profile Nazi were taken away from him and his wife by the way after the war and given away to adoptive families. Would you be able to live with an enemy during wartime taking away your own children? Just brainstorming here.

[PetiteParisienne]

When I think about good parenting, my mind doesn't automatically leap to infanticide during wartime, but that's just me.

I think Frigga covered most of your questions, Stefan. She and I share many of the same views when it comes to child-rearing. Consistency is very important, as she mentioned. If a parent is not consistent, then it sends conflicting messages to the child. Of course, if you feel that you've done something wrong, then absolutely apologise to your child and explain. But, for example, if bed time is 8:00pm, then it's always 8:00pm. If homework needs to be completed before dinner, then that's how it should always be during term time.

I hope to teach my son to be kind and assertive. He must learn how to stand up for himself, to strive to reach his goals, to treat animals and children with tenderness, to respect the elderly, to take care of himself both physically and mentally, and to be honest and look at the world with wonder.

My boy is almost a year old. My husband and I don't expose him to any television. We read to him every day and play music for him. The food he eats is cooked by me, from scratch. All of his new achievements and developments are praised and encouraged. He is never left to cry alone. Perhaps most importantly, he knows that he is loved unconditionally.

[Skrondsze]

Think about it this way. What if everything you'd worked for for twelve years has been destroyed? I mean who knows just how it was in Berlin during those days that drew them to commit such an act. They were great parents and they loved their children so very much while they were alive. I am sure they didn't anticipate how the glorious Reich would have come to a close. I mean what if an marauding enemy army was approaching your home and there had been reports they were raping and slaughtering people? And for certain this enemy would humiliate you and your family. We saw what happened to the Nazis who were put on the Nuremberg "trials". Would you be able to live with seeing them tortured by an enemy army? Just saying the times were very different back then and I am sure if it hadn't turned out as it was the lovely Goebbels children would have grown up in a safe and better Germany. But we all know what happened during the latter end of the war. I would do the same for my family if an enemy army was approaching in a similar manner. Berlin was in ruins, most German cities as they were bombed to the stone age, millions of the finest German men were either killed in battle or tired from the war, the rest of the population weary. Everything Goebbels and the rest of the NSDAP worked for was rubble literally. Their children would have faced humiliation and torture at the least. The children of Leon Degrelle, a high profile Nazi were taken away from him and his wife by the way after the war and given away to adoptive families. Would you be able to live with an enemy during wartime taking away your own children? Just brainstorming here.

I get your point but those were other times and I guess most parents here wouldn't even bother to put themselves in that situation. It's just like saying: "What would do you if lost all your limbs and your vision?" People just don't count with that hypothesis, that's why bringing the Goebbels Family to this thread will only cause people to misjudge you (Like I said in the "Post a random..." thread) as it's just too rational for most people to even bother thinking about it (not for me).

[Linet]

love :love0031: and care :hug2:

[sturmwalkure]

I get your point but those were other times and I guess most parents here wouldn't even bother to put themselves in that situation. It's just like saying: "What would do you if lost all your limbs and your vision?" People just don't count with that hypothesis, that's why bringing the Goebbels Family to this thread will only cause people to misjudge you (Like I said in the "Post a random..." thread) as it's just too rational for most people to even bother thinking about it (not for me).

I get what you mean there. Over all I think Magda and Joseph Goebbels were model parents, hence me bringing them up in this thread. From all accounts the children were very nice, very intelligent and very loved by their parents. I don't think Goebbels and everyone else in the bunker expected the Red Army to come and they actually had chances to escape but what they thought right was to go the way the Jewish rebels did where the Roman legions found every man, woman and child dead when they finally came to the fortress. Yet, Goebbels and his wife were seen as villains and cowards for a similar act.

[Skrondsze]

I get what you mean there. Over all I think Magda and Joseph Goebbels were model parents, hence me bringing them up in this thread. From all accounts the children were very nice, very intelligent and very loved by their parents. I don't think Goebbels and everyone else in the bunker expected the Red Army to come and they actually had chances to escape but what they thought right was to go the way the Jewish rebels did where the Roman legions found every man, woman and child dead when they finally came to the fortress. Yet, Goebbels and his wife were seen as villains and cowards for a similar act.

I agree with that part (Bold) from what I've read and seen in movies. But their deaths are too controversial (right or wrong) and that single event is worth a thread. But don't think many parents will discuss it. As said, killing your own children is something unthinkable in the present time. It's just like trying to discuss honor in a century dominated by consumerism, that simply doesn't happen.

[sturmwalkure]

I agree with that part (Bold) from what I've read and seen in movies. But their deaths are too controversial (right or wrong) and that single event is worth a thread. But don't think many parents will discuss it. As said, killing your own children is something unthinkable in the present time. It's just like trying to discuss honor in a century dominated by consumerism, that simply doesn't happen.

It's something no parent wants to honestly think about I imagine. But from the extent of what a parent would do to protect their children from someone with evil intentions in the end killing them, then yes. I hope I would never have to make such a decision for my own future children however. One can call all the videos of the Goebbels family propoganda or whatever, but they were the ideal family. I wish myself that things had turned out differently for them though and such a thing didn't need to be considered.

[Frigga]

If you say that they had had opportunities to take their children out of harm's way, and did not, then I feel that they are doubly to blame for their deaths. If things were going so badly and they knew of it, then as parents, they had the duty to take them to safety, and I feel that killing them was something that they should have tried to avoid at all costs. Many of the Nazis fled to Argentina, I think that Goebbels and his wife should have explored that option once the war was obviously going to end badly.

I think that instead of trying to look up to them for killing their children instead of allowing them to be tortured and raped, I think that they should be pitied for not protecting them better, by not taking them out of harm's way, out of pride.

[sturmwalkure]

If you say that they had had opportunities to take their children out of harm's way, and did not, then I feel that they are doubly to blame for their deaths. If things were going so badly and they knew of it, then as parents, they had the duty to take them to safety, and I feel that killing them was something that they should have tried to avoid at all costs. Many of the Nazis fled to Argentina, I think that Goebbels and his wife should have explored that option once the war was obviously going to end badly.

I think that instead of trying to look up to them for killing their children instead of allowing them to be tortured and raped, I think that they should be pitied for not protecting them better, by not taking them out of harm's way, out of pride.

Hold on... I am not looking up to them for killing their kids. :eek: I have heard a lot of accounts of what was happening in Berlin during those days. It was not pretty at all.... true they could have fled to Argentina but I don't think Goebbels who was one of the highest ranking Nazis wanted to run away. I am honestly not sure what would have been better, death by the Soviets, suicide or living in constant fear and under an assumed identity in South America? :confused: You do realize these were quite terrible times and people considered doing things they never would have dreamed of. I've heard of what happened to Nazis who were captured after the war and this includes their children (!) and it wasn't pretty what happened to them. They had to live in constant fear and in hiding. :(

[Frigga]

Hold on... I am not looking up to them for killing their kids. :eek: I have heard a lot of accounts of what was happening in Berlin during those days. It was not pretty at all.... true they could have fled to Argentina but I don't think Goebbels who was one of the highest ranking Nazis wanted to run away. I am honestly not sure what would have been better, death by the Soviets, suicide or living in constant fear and under an assumed identity in South America? :confused: You do realize these were quite terrible times and people considered doing things they never would have dreamed of. I've heard of what happened to Nazis who were captured after the war and this includes their children (!) and it wasn't pretty what happened to them. They had to live in constant fear and in hiding. :(

I had gotten that impression of you thinking that it was admirable for them to have killed their children, yes.

And to be honest, living in hiding may not be the most ideal option, but I feel that under the circumstances, that it should have been one that was explored more thoroughly before killing them.

And I do know that things were really horrible back then, I have done some research on the matter. I know what the Red Army did to the Germans in their path on their way to Berlin. It was brutal. But still, they had forewarning of the extent of it, they could have gotten them out.

But that is just me.

[sturmwalkure]

I had gotten that impression of you thinking that it was admirable for them to have killed their children, yes.

And to be honest, living in hiding may not be the most ideal option, but I feel that under the circumstances, that it should have been one that was explored more thoroughly before killing them.

But that is just me.

Then that was unintentional of me to come off that way. Magda and Joseph had a gorgeous family and I have cried thinking about what happened and also what could have happened. The West really took a nose-dive 1945 and on... anyone who was even remotely sympathetic to the Nazi regime and their families were stalked, hunted, assassinated you name it after the war.

Ideally the Red Bolsheviks never would have made it to Berlin, no German cities carpet-bombed, no sons of Europe sent to war, no invasion of Russia or neighboring countries and Germany would have thrived in the Nationalsocialist Third Reich and the Goebbels probably would have had more children. Who knows. :(

[Frigga]

Then that was unintentional of me to come off that way. Magda and Joseph had a gorgeous family and I have cried thinking about what happened and also what could have happened. The West really took a nose-dive 1945 and on... anyone who was even remotely sympathetic to the Nazi regime and their families were stalked, hunted, assassinated you name it after the war.

Ideally the Red Bolsheviks never would have made it to Berlin, no German cities carpet-bombed, no sons of Europe sent to war, no invasion of Russia or neighboring countries and Germany would have thrived in the Nationalsocialist Third Reich and the Goebbels probably would have had more children. Who knows. :(

It's alright, it just gave me the wrong impression is all.

Personally though, I think that the Germans should have won World War One. There would have been no need for the second one. But that's waaay off topic now.

[sturmwalkure]

It's alright, it just gave me the wrong impression is all.

Personally though, I think that the Germans should have won World War One. There would have been no need for the second one. But that's waaay off topic now.

I agree, but I think that is for another thread. I would go as far as to say either way was necessary. Anyways I am done now derailing this thread. :D

[kabeiros]

My mother has been involved in raising children for over forty years, starting with her niece when she was 12 years old, and working in preschools, raising myself and my older brother, and my stepsister and now in her own daycare. And she has said to me many times over the years "Raising children is just like raising a puppy. The principles are exactly the same. Love, affection and consistency". If you have successfully raised a good dog from puppyhood, then you should be alright with raising a child.

Your mother is wise, you are lucky to have her.

[Frigga]

Your mother is wise, you are lucky to have her.

I feel very lucky indeed. :)