When Should a Woman Have Children?

[Tansy]

I'm interested to hear what you all think is the appropriate situation for a woman to have children. Obviously it takes a little help from the man, but is marriage necessary? Does having children in or out of wedlock matter to you? What is the proper age for a woman to have kids of her own -- are teenagers who become pregnant too young to handle it? For those who already have children, did your experiences match your plans or ideals?

If you don't want kids, please feel free to explain why.

[Skandi]

Hmm well I want to cop out and say whenever she wants. But I suppose that's not quite the answer you are after!

When should a woman have children? Biologically somewhere between 16 and 30 would be ideal as you have stopped growing yourself and can provide for the child's needs, while not being too old either.

Mentally these ages are probably fine too, we are intended to have children after all, and I believe that a woman of any age changes when she has children of her own.

As a society? I would say after 22 and before 40 the later start is to allow the woman to complete her education and to have some time to herself. And the later age is because these things take time unfortunately.

Being married is not important to me. But I can see that having a partner or family around will help with many things. My mother was married but I was brought up by her alone after they divorced. She relied upon the family and that certainly worked.

On a personal level I would like the father to be around in a way that is me being selfish as I don't want to have to do all the work myself. But I have considered doing it without the male as there seems to be a definite lack of suitable choices around!

I don't really want children, I never have, I think that my views are changing slowly, I'm certainly less set against the idea than I used to be. But there are still many reservations agains it, and the only one for is that I feel it is my duty to have them :(

[Mrs Ulf]

I don't necessarily think marriage is absolutely needed but I do feel its important for both parents to be active in their child's life. Even if they are separated, they should be able to act civil and nice to each other for the sake of the child's happiness. Its worth it to put aside your personal difference for the sake of your offspring.

I don't think age matters much, and there have been some teen mothers who have stepped up to the occasion and made the very best of it. Its more a matter of how well equipped you are emotionally, you can have an older person who can be a crap mother, and a younger one who will do great.

Me personally I'd like to have my first child before 25. For me I'm really looking forward to it, and Its one of my main goals in life. I want to have a large family I look forward to raising kids and teaching them.

[Lady L]

I had my first child at 19, I had only been out of high school a short while and really didn't know what I was doing. I would never change the fact of having him but I would or should of went to college or some kind of higher education. Woulda coulda shoulda :p I reckon :p Anyway, I did step up and was a good mother, I always had him with me, and was never one of the younger mother's who had some where to drop the baby off to go party. I didn't even want that.

I had my daughter 2 and a half years later. :) I had the idea of getting my tubes tied, I was only 22 :rolleyes2: and after the second c-section with my daughter turned into a nightmare, it scared me so much that I signed the papers and had it done. I wish I could take that back now. But maybe one day :) if I have 5,000 dollars I can have it reversed.

It is a hard question to answer when a woman should have children. It all depends on the woman.

[WinterMoon]

Age wise, I think that a woman shouldn't have children until at least around age 18-20. This gives her body time to finish growing and developing. Most people think that a woman's body is ready at a younger age, but research shows otherwise.

Ideally, I think a couple should be married, but at the very least have been in a long term comitted relationship. People who are unable to comit to each other are not likely to comit to a child.

My children are perfect in every way...... even though life is far from ideal. :wink

[Tabiti]

When she feels ready for herself in ages between 18-40. Under 18 is too young even in biological aspect, over 40 is too late. I know women who gave birth on that age and it was quite hard to them, especially because feeling of psychic tiredness.
Every female has different ideas of what "ready for children" means. Some want career first, other family

[NSFreja]

I'm interested to hear what you all think is the appropriate situation for a woman to have children. Obviously it takes a little help from the man, but is marriage necessary?
No, i am not married and still i got 4 kids...

What is the proper age for a woman to have kids of her own -- are teenagers who become pregnant too young to handle it?
If my daughters would come home and tell me they were pregnant, i would go nuts. Well, the oldest might be ready (she is 20 will be 21 soon), but she still have no job and no job = no economic way to support your family...and my other daughter is only 15 and i hope and prey everyday that she wont end up like her 15 year old friend that is pregnant! Kids shouldn't have kids, that's it.

For those who already have children, did your experiences match your plans or ideals?
I don't like the idea on "planning" kids...think about it, if you plan to have kids at the age of 25-30...then you get the pressure (you really don't know it yourself, but it will be a "must" for you to fullfill your plans) to make it come true and many many times people who plan to have kids, they have to "wait" longer to get pregnant than people that don't plan at all.

I have a comrade (same age as me) that always wanted to have many children, she still got none and i feel sorry for her and her husband.
There is nothing wrong with any of them so i guess it have been the pressure and so on that made them not have any kids at all. Now she is too old to have any... :(

I didn't plan any of my 4 kids (i didn't even want kids when i was like 18 years old...lol), and i am happy i didn't but after the 4th, i can't have anymore kids.

[Frigga]

I think that it does depend a large part on the woman. I've been with my boyfriend for nine years, and have been very much wanting children for the last three. I've felt that I have been stifled because of my conflicting wants and needs. I want to be with him because I care about him. I want children. The want in the last year has started to become a need. But the two seem to no longer be compatible. Turning 28 back in April was hard as I had thought that by now I would have had at least one already. :(

My last class of the beginning Heart And Hands Midwifery Instensives was yesterday, and at the end we had to do a exercise where we list five reasons to be a midwife. Then we made five columns underneath, and compared each question to the other one at a time, to find out which one was the most important to us. Mine was: To heal from the grief of not being allowed to have my own children. What does that say to me? It tells me how much it really does hurt to not be allowed, according to the self imposed restrictions to have children, even though I'm pretty sure I would at least be a loving mother.

So, having children is should be when you're not only physically ready, but emotionally ready as well.

[Sally]

I'm interested to hear what you all think is the appropriate situation for a woman to have children.
Obviously it takes a little help from the man, but is marriage necessary?

Having children within the context of marriage or a committed relationship would be the most ideal scenario, but I don't think it's prudent for couples to marry simply because of an unplanned pregnancy.


Does having children in or out of wedlock matter to you?

Wedlock (or committed partnership) is the most ideal scenario, as I mentioned above. Generally, it is more advantageous that children should be born within wedlock, and the trend towards births out of wedlock is distressing, and bad for society as a whole.


What is the proper age for a woman to have kids of her own -- are teenagers who become pregnant too young to handle it?

Barring any age extremes, I don't think there is a proper age for a woman to have children, and it depends on the individual's particular circumstances. There are many factors to consider, such as the woman's health or her family's economic condition. Perhaps there is no ideal age or situation, but becoming a parent should not be a decision one makes without a great deal of thought.

I'm strongly opposed to abortion and artificial contraception, so I don't advocate abortion in any case, even when the mother is a teenager. However, most teenagers are probably ill-equipped to become mothers, and should consider putting the child up for adoption.

I also don't support single women of any age resorting to artificial means to conceive children out of wedlock, regardless of their economic situation. Like teenage pregnancy, this is a problematic trend.



If you don't want kids, please feel free to explain why.

I do want children, but if I didn't, I wouldn't pursue any type of romantic relationship or have sex. Marriage would be out of the question in that case for me, of course.

[Skandi]

Mine was: To heal from the grief of not being allowed to have my own children. What does that say to me? It tells me how much it really does hurt to not be allowed, according to the self imposed restrictions to have children, even though I'm pretty sure I would at least be a loving mother.


Are you saying that you don't have children because the BF doesn't want them? My mother had that problem she met her present husband when I was 2 and she would have been 29 she wanted more but he doesn't want any, now she is too old and regrets it badly. I am also in a similar state, my BF doesn't want any I'm hoping that is because he is only 23 but I don't and can't really wait 7 years for him to be ready.

So should I leave? That is what I keep asking myself :(

[Frigga]

Thrymheim, that is the case. I have been struggling with that thought for the last few years. :( Trouble is is that I've invested nine years with him, and am now dependent on him in a way. I'm scared to actually take that step. Plus, we have all of these pets: the dog, the cats, our shared property, etc. He's also six years older than me, which I had hoped would make him more amenable to having children soon, but I guess that he never will be. You have no idea how sad I am finding this turn of events to be. I've only really been grasping the magnitude of this in the past few months.

[Skandi]

I was with a guy for 6 years, we managed to split everything including the house, and pets. It can be done, I know I don't really have the experiance to talk here, but I think that you should really think about it, I know that each individual day or year does not matter, but they will add up, and I suppose that you have to ask yourself whether later on you are going to hold this against him.
I know that it feels like you've wasted your time if you do leave (I feel like that and I've only been seeing him for 1 year) but after all that time he is unlikely to change his mind. And I suppose the other option is rather underhand and cruel.
Have you told him you want children?

The clock is ticking, I feel it too if I were to have some I am now limited to 2 or 3 by my age I expect.

[Tabiti]

I am also in a similar state, my BF doesn't want any I'm hoping that is because he is only 23 but I don't and can't really wait 7 years for him to be ready.

So should I leave? That is what I keep asking myself :(

23 is still quite young, especially for a male. Mine is 25 and doesn't feel ready for children, either. I suggest you to wait 2-3 years (if you love him, of course) and see will he change his mind.
The case with me is that my BF wants children in future (4-5 years) and I'm still not sure about that. I guess we might have problems regarding that.

[Skandi]

23 is still quite young, especially for a male. Mine is 25 and doesn't feel ready for children, either. I suggest you to wait 2-3 years (if you love him, of course) and see will he change his mind.
The case with me is that my BF wants children in future (4-5 years) and I'm still not sure about that. I guess we might have problems regarding that.

Yes I know but I am 28 so I do not have that long to wait. my ex decided he wanted children when he was 25 but he wasn't dead set against the idea to begin with. (at the time I didn't want them, so same as your situation!) My problem is that if I decide to leave then I have to a, find someone more suitable b, stay with them long enough to check that they are. And if I find this one does not want any when I am 31 then there would be no chance of having any before I was at least 34-35 which is starting to push things.

[Lady L]

Thrymheim, 23 is a young age for a young man to be ready for children. What does he say about children in the future...? Lets say in maybe 3 years...? 26 is a good age to become a father. Believe it or not I think a lot can change in a young man and/or woman in those 3 years. I feel like I was still a bit immature and naive at 23, but by 26 I had grown up a lot. Started to see a bigger picture rather. I think if he says he never wants children and you feel you do in the future then all one can do is lay it on the line, and explain, if he doesn't open up to it in a couple years, you will have to go elsewhere.

Frigga's Spindle, what's the reasoning your man doesn't want children...? I think you and Thrymheim need to find about a 6 month old baby boy to babysit and rub the baby cuteness in the men's faces! :D FS, you have told me how you want children, I don't think you should give that up for this man. You will end up with very much resentment I believe.

These are hard situations ladies and I'm a bit surprised some men are so against children. :confused:

[Absinthe]

I don't believe in age stereotypes, women could have kids whenever circumstances are right for them (of course, withing the reasonable limits of biology).

The same goes for men. I have met at least two men on these fora who had their kids when they were 20 and they turned out to be excellent fathers, plus it was cool that in their 30s they had 10 year old children.

I would not mind a woman having children in her 20s if this she is lucky enough to find a good man so soon, or in her 40s, if this is how things turned out for her.

I am 30 and childless and I have been extremely unlucky (and stupid) in love.

Even in my current relationship, deep down I do not see myself having children with him for a variety of reasons.

Frankly, I will not have children unless and until I am perfectly sure that my man will stand by me in parenthood.

As I have mentioned before, I had a really unhappy childhood because of my parents' immaturity and negligence and I do not wish that for my own children.

So, if I manage to find someone reliable and stable enough until I am forty then I might become a late mother (better late than ever, as they say).

But if not (and considering the infamous character of the average Greek man) then I might as well not.

[Mrs Ulf]

Thrymheim, 23 is a young age for a young man to be ready for children. What does he say about children in the future...? Lets say in maybe 3 years...? 26 is a good age to become a father. Believe it or not I think a lot can change in a young man and/or woman in those 3 years. I feel like I was still a bit immature and naive at 23, but by 26 I had grown up a lot. Started to see a bigger picture rather. I think if he says he never wants children and you feel you do in the future then all one can do is lay it on the line, and explain, if he doesn't open up to it in a couple years, you will have to go elsewhere.

Frigga's Spindle, what's the reasoning your man doesn't want children...? I think you and Thrymheim need to find about a 6 month old baby boy to babysit and rub the baby cuteness in the men's faces! :D FS, you have told me how you want children, I don't think you should give that up for this man. You will end up with very much resentment I believe.

These are hard situations ladies and I'm a bit surprised some men are so against children. :confused:

I agree. Plus it can be hard to talk to men about babies. It might just be that their afraid they won't be good fathers. Or they just don't feel ready. The Lady does have some good advice, try babysitting some young kids it might help him feel more comfortable with it. And if not then it will give you some good things to think about.

I know Ulf and I had a really great time babysitting my baby cousin. She fell in love with Ulf and they had a really good time scribbling on paper and playing with the kitchen set she had. Plus it could be a bonus to see how he is around kids. While she was a pain to put to sleep it was good to know the hard parts too, and to see how we could handle it.

For someone who is interested in having a family I can see how it can be really frustrating to be with someone who isn't.

[WinterMoon]

Just my two cents...I don't think a woman should expect a guy to change his mind about having children. Sure, a guy who is young may change his mind later. Ask him if it is something he wants in the future. Otherwise, if you feel strongly about wanting children and the man does not, then the two of you are clearly not compatible. Girls and guys often think that once they get the other to "settle"with them then they can also change the other.... in reality it doesn't happen.

The guys I have known who suddenly reach their mid 30's and want children, have usually ended up marrying a woman who already has them.

[Absinthe]

Just my two cents...I don't think a woman should expect a guy to change his mind about having children. Sure, a guy who is young may change his mind later. Ask him if it is something he wants in the future. Otherwise, if you feel strongly about wanting children and the man does not, then the two of you are clearly not compatible. Girls and guys often think that once they get the other to "settle"with them then they can also change the other.... in reality it doesn't happen.

Behold, the truth! :thumbs up

[Mrs Ulf]

Just my two cents...I don't think a woman should expect a guy to change his mind about having children. Sure, a guy who is young may change his mind later. Ask him if it is something he wants in the future. Otherwise, if you feel strongly about wanting children and the man does not, then the two of you are clearly not compatible. Girls and guys often think that once they get the other to "settle"with them then they can also change the other.... in reality it doesn't happen.

The guys I have known who suddenly reach their mid 30's and want children, have usually ended up marrying a woman who already has them.

Agreed, but its good to figure that stuff out early especially if you want children. So asking and testing out the waters is a good idea. Plus you never know what his real issue is. If it happens to be that he's afraid he won't be a good dad, due to childhood issues and what not, its good to try having a kid around the house.

[Skandi]

The Lady does have some good advice, try babysitting some young kids it might help him feel more comfortable with it. And if not then it will give you some good things to think about.

I hate children myself! So I can't see that happening besides I don't know anyone under the age of 20. I don't mind waiting if it is just time but there are other issues with him too, he would NOT fit in on this board for example, but it is difficult to just leave for "no good reason"

[Mrs Ulf]

I hate children myself! So I can't see that happening besides I don't know anyone under the age of 20. I don't mind waiting if it is just time but there are other issues with him too, he would NOT fit in on this board for example, but it is difficult to just leave for "no good reason"

Well I'd have to say that its really up to your feelings. You should make yourself happy and not stick around just because you don't have a good reason. If you really don't see it working out you sort of owe it to him to at least talk about that.

A good reason is you just don't see it working out, you don't want to waste his time as well as yours. I don't really know your situation completely but you need to make sure that you see things in the future that are good. I have a few Aunt's that stick around because they don't have a "good reason" but their not happy. Just make sure your happy.

[Tabiti]

Well, girls, you only need males to "produce" children, not husbands at all. So, if you want children - go on and don't trust any selfish males, since they won't be good fathers. Yes, it's quite hard to be lonely mother, but better than desperate housewife. I know single mothers who suffered a lot in the past, but now are happy because their life went that way.

[Absinthe]

Well, girls, you only need males to "produce" children, not husbands at all. So, if you want children - go on and don't trust any selfish males, since they won't be good fathers. Yes, it's quite hard to be lonely mother, but better than desperate housewife. I know single mothers who suffered a lot in the past, but now are happy because their life went that way.
I totally agree in theory but I would only go for it if living in welfare states that are supportive to parenthood, especially single mothers....

You and me, coming from the Balkans, you know what will happen to us:

1)

On a social level, we'll be gossiped about as the "whores" and our children will be called "bastards" by their classmates in school.

Hell, I was even called a "bastard" because my parents where divorced, even though I was born in wedlock, well I guess it was because getting divorced was still seen as unacceptable back in the 80's.

2)

On a proffesional level, at least in Greece, not only there are no laws to protect motherhood but, especially in the public sector, you also get punished for becoming a mother.

I know a lot of companies that make you sign a contract that you will not become pregnant while working for them, or else they will fire you, and I also know a lot of companies (including the one I most recently worked for) that fired new mothers instantly after their motherhood leave had ended.

3)

On a family level, it basically means you'll be depended on your parents for the rest of your life, that is, if you're even lucky enough to have parents that are so kind to take care of your baby while you're at work, and support you financially, and/or host you at their house indefinitely.

So....not really an option for me, at least not in Grekistan, no thanks ;)

[Vulpix]

I know a lot of companies that make you sign a contract that you will not become pregnant while working for them, or else they will fire you, and I also know a lot of companies (including the one I most recently worked for) that fired new mothers instantly after their motherhood leave had ended.



:eek:! That sucks :(.

[Absinthe]

It does, let alone *state benefits* for mothers is a concept altogether unknown in Grekistan, as is benefits for the ill, for the disabled, etc...

[Amarantine]

When they feel they wanted to meet small, cute Angels:)

[LouisFerdinand]

Married women having children between the ages of 22 to 25

[Ziveth]

I'm interested to hear what you all think is the appropriate situation for a woman to have children. Obviously it takes a little help from the man, but is marriage necessary? Does having children in or out of wedlock matter to you? What is the proper age for a woman to have kids of her own -- are teenagers who become pregnant too young to handle it? For those who already have children, did your experiences match your plans or ideals?

If you don't want kids, please feel free to explain why.

I think a couple should no have kids before marriage and i think marriage is necessary. Teenagers shouldn't get pregnant, they should pay more attention. Raise a kid is not a joke, need responsibility (and also money, which teenagers don't have, because they go to school and not work). A proper age for a woman to have kids i think is from 28 to 35 years.

[Sekarotuinen]

Whever she wants :)

[Jana]

For me best time is now, I am 25 :)
We plan have our first, I don't want to be older mother as my was. But before that I want to pass the bar.

[crazyladybutterfly]

why the hell have you revived a thread created when I was only 14 lol

[Annie999]

But is marriage necessary? - . At least in Uruguay it doesn't make any difference to be married or not, we have laws for couples that live together that are equal to those who are married. And this is quite an atheist country so nowadays not many people get married.

Does having children in or out of wedlock matter to you? - For ME yes, because marriage regardless of religion is also a sign of commitment, so when having kids I think is important for the couple to be committed and marriage in a way helps to that.

What is the proper age for a woman to have kids of her own I think it is when the couple are in a steady relationship, are mature enough and have possibilities to take care of the baby. So age is not that important if the previous conditions are met, it would be ideal to do it before reaching late 30's and more because there are more risks on the pregnancy.

are teenagers who become pregnant too young to handle it? Imo yes, some will be able to handle the situation though.

[Dandelion]

why the hell have you revived a thread created when I was only 14 lol

This forum is around for quite a while. ;)

[crazyladybutterfly]

This forum is around for quite a while. ;)

it s weird , I miss those times
the beautiful times when people used to talk about alqaeda and talibans ... nostalgia...

[Dandelion]

it s weird , I miss those times
the beautiful times when people used to talk about alqaeda and talibans ... nostalgia...

When I was that age we talked about 9/11 and wondered who was responsible. Then we were talking about Osama bin Laden.

Fast forward two years we were talking about how retarded the American plans were to invade Iraq under what to us were obvious false pretexts.

This flag was often seen everywhere.

http://www.photomagnets.com/paceflagonwall1.jpg

(also with the Italian word for peace, also here for some reason)

[Odin]

the beautiful times when people used to talk about alqaeda and talibans ... nostalgia...

They still do.

[Al-Meksiki]

Children are a cancer

[crazyladybutterfly]

They still do.

not at the same rate . it s almost all isis

[Odin]

not at the same rate . it s almost all isis

Those groups simply got a new name. Islamic terrorism will never die, I am sure people will talk about it till the day I get grey hair. :laugh:

[Al-Meksiki]

Those groups simply got a new name. Islamic terrorism will never die, I am sure people will talk about it till the day I get grey hair. :laugh:

Communist Terrorism used to be the last big thing. I imagine we'll eventually see some other group take on terrorist tendencies. The sad thing is, terrorism will never end, because terrorism works