Slavproofing Your Property

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In many cases a simple fence will do, but the Slav is curious by nature and surprisingly crafty. Many people have had Slav encounters on their own lawns. While the Slav is not necessarily nocturnal, these run-ins are most likely to occur after the sun has set. I have come up with three handy hints that will hopefully prevent these critters from showing up at your doorstep in the first place.

1. Keep all vodka stored properly: Vodka is an integral part of the Slav's diet. It is instinctively consumed in order to regulate body chemicals, especially during mating season. When exposed to vodka, the Slav buck will show signs of increased aggression and the situation can quickly worsen from there. Many amateur Slav-watchers have sustained serious injuries from young, vodka-fueled Slav bucks. Slavs tend to congregate in damp areas and can catch the distinct scent of vodka from quite a distance. Therefore, it is essential that one keeps his or her vodka in a safe, dry place, away from the wind.

2. Check the grounds regularly for squat marks: When not in locomotion, Slavs tend to congregate together by squatting in loose circular formations. It is unknown whether this helps to preserve body heat or serves a higher social function of sorts. In any case, the distinct, heavy-set footprint (often marked with Adidas treading) is a tell-tale sign of a recent Slav colony's squat. Regularly proving one's grounds for these markings can be extremely useful in identifying weak links in one's security.

3. Fly a pride flag: The Homosexual is one of the few natural predators of the Slav. It stalks its target for days, weeks and even years before moving in for the kill. Once penetrated by the Homosexual, the Slav becomes infected with gay pathogens and eventually mutates into a Homosexual himself. Slavs are therefore very wary of mistakenly treading upon Homosexual grounds, and the homeowner can use this to his or her advantage. Fly a rainbow flag in a very visible place, and all but the bravest and most foolhardy of Slavs will steer clear of your property.

Figure 1.a An up close and personal shot of an immature Slav, which was caught curiously peering threw a window. As cute as they may be at a younger age, we at Yandoit do not advocate approaching and interacting with a Slav at any age.

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  1. HillY35's Avatar
    This is amazingly hilarious, though plainly offensive. Well-written.
  2. Pontios's Avatar
    #2 was the funniest.