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As part of the central traditional structure of Albanian customs, the wedding represents a moment of particular importance in the life of an Albanian.
BETROTHAL / ENGAGEMENT
The age of engagement of two people in Albanian tradition has been a relative notion that has often changed over time. Even though there were definite parameters in the majority of the population, the average age for the man was 20 to 30, while for the woman it was 15 to 18. Exceptions were not rare and often they were extreme. They were greatly dependent onsocial and economic circumstances and family relations, civil status, etc.
Betrothal of unborn children
Betrothal of unborn children is an archaic form that has now ceased to exist, but it was found until a few years after the Second World War. Even at that time it was not common, rather a rarity.
This kind of engagement happened during occasional gatherings, particularly during festivities, where two pregnant women were friends, especially if the friendship was based ongood relations between families that were highly esteemed for their wealth, honor, courage and patriotism.
The engagement was made with a verbal agreement between the two pregnant women (without consulting the husband or anyone from the family, including the head of the house, which (head of family) at that time was considered as family cult) in case the babies were of the opposite gender. The engagement would be respected and was obligatory.It could not be broken, otherwise it would be avenged in blood. The families would wait for their children to reach the age of marriage and then the wedding ceremony would take place.
Betrothal of infants
As regards procedure it is identical to the engagement of unborn children, but now the engagement is made by mothers while their children are still in cradles. In identical circumstances and conditions of evaluation, at a moment that the mothers consider appropriate, usually during festivities and with mutual agreement, mothers agree on their infants' engagement. Afterwards, they inform the husbands, who inform the head of the house in the presence of family members.
The betrothal of unborns or infants used to be done by men as well. This would happen when two men formed a friendship based on mutual trust, honor and character, during military service, emigration or war, and they would see this is an opportunity to deepen their friendship.
Betrothal through matchmaker
This was one of the forms of engagement that survived the longest, as a form of family creation in the Albanian marriage tradition. Nowadays this form is almost extinct, even though it can be found occasionally as a tradition and a formal act, rather than a functional one. The "journey" called engagement would start at the moment the boy or the girl reached the appropriate age for engagement, which was usually the beginning of puberty. From that moment, the boy's family, but mostly his mother, grandmother or sisters - especially the married ones - would start to "pick out" girls that met the requirements for their son, grandson,or brother. The requirements were higher he was the only son in the family, or the only child in the family. When this was the case, the family would try to arrange an engagement as early as possible, in order that he married at the correct time.
According to tradition, first a family friend had to befound who would correspond to the level of the boy's family. Often, families would aspire to establish friendly ties with families that were renowned for their virtues, morale, courage, patriotism and faithfulness. Even more frequently, the family of the boy would hold itself in very high esteem in order to match that of the future bride, even though in reality they were not equals. The future bride's requirements were even greater: She had to have brothers and sisters (it was preferable to have as many brothers as possible); her mother must have breastfed all her children; her family had to belong to a known clan - "fis" - but not to the same one as the groom, and the clans had to be separated in blood from each other for at least 7 generations; her family had to be known as trustworthy and hospitable. If such a family could be found, the beauty of the girl were completely irrelevant; the important thing was that she had no "disability". As time passed, the physical appearance of the girl became more important and the mother, sisters or aunts of the boy resorted to meeting the girl in beforehand in order to decide whether to go further with the two youngsters' acquaintance.
After this, the matchmaking process would start.
The boy's uncle (his mother's brother) would usually be appointed as the matchmaker - "misit". This was done in order to preserve the family line from the mother's side. However, the matchmaking duty could be carried out by some other member of the family or a person related by blood, clan, territory or friendship. As soon as the matchmaker got the message from the head of the boy's family, he would go to the family of the girl in order to inform them of the intentions of the boy's family. The matchmaker's duty was to offer the family of the girl a sort of "identification passport" for the boy's family, regardless of whether the two families knew each other or not. He informed them about the family, its size, financial and social status, virtues, character, moral, loyalty, their ancestors and the clan to which they belong. It was also the matchmaker's duty to convey to the girl's family the approval and honor that the boy's family felt at having the chance to establish a friendship with NN - the father of the girl, as a well respected and honored family in the region. The matchmaker would not demand a decision on the first visit - an answer, but he would give enough space to the family of the girl for them to think about the proposal, ask around about the boy's family, discuss the matter with relatives, etc. In course of this, the girl's father, or some other elderly man of the house who held the duties of the head of the family, when sayinggoodbye to the matchmaker from the doors of the yard, said: "if it is meant to be".
When the family of the girl had decided to confirm the friendship with the boy's family, in the evening, after having dinner, the head of the house would inform the matchmaker of their decision by saying, "We await the new day", alluding to the morning of the next day tradition stated that the betrothal was celerated - "përhajr fjala e fejesës", even though nothing specific is promised. On the morning of the following day, the father of the girl, or someone else, would invite the elderly relatives of the family and in the presence of the matchmaker would order coffee for everyone. The matchmaker would not start to drink the coffee until the father congratulated him on the betrothal. This ritual, which was a sort of unwritten rule, would begin on the first visit of the matchmaker when he would say to the girl's father, "oh, NN, I was asked by NN to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage with the son of NN, and they have the honor of bonding the friendship with you". The head of the family would answer: "May the one who asked for my family's friendship have honor, and let it be as it may".
The next level of the ritual was reached when the girl's father addressed the matchmaker on this solemn occasion with the words: "…oh NN (the matchmaker) sends greetings to NN (the friend of family - boy's father) that I have accepted him as a friend of family and I give my daughter, NN (name of the daughter), to his son, NN (boy's name), and may it do them good. The matchmaker replied to him: "May it do well to you and may you have honor. May you have many grandsons and granddaughters and may you see them married. Congratulations to both families" .Then the betrothal was celebrated between the men present at the event as they stood up and greeted each other. Then they would sit down and drink the coffee as a sign that the betrothal had been arranged. After this, the matchmaker and the father of the girl would agree on the future stages of the betrothal ceremony, about which the matchmaker would inform the family of the boy.
The matchmaker, joyous over the fact that he had successfully completed the matchmaking, would go eagerly to the house of the boy and inform them of the betrothal. On this occasion, the family of the boy would fire guns to notify the neighborhood that NN found a "bride for his son" (his son is engaged) and had "become friends with Mr. so and so".
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