For the birds

[The Silent Man]

Written by some ill-educated hack employed by the Press Association:

Eight would-be illegal immigrants were plucked from a truck full of bird seed as they tried to fly under the radar and sneak into the UK, authorities have revealed.

The men, who were found lying face-down on top of the seed, were spotted by UK Border Agency (UKBA) officials using heartbeat detectors.

The group, originally from Vietnam, Iran and Sudan, were handed over to the French authorities in Coquelles, said the UKBA.

The haulier and driver of the truck, which was on its way from Bruges to Bury St Edmonds, could now be fined.

Carole Upshall, the agency's director for European operations, said: "Finds such as these highlight the desperate measures some people will take to try and get to Britain, and the determination and expertise required by UK Border Agency officers to stay one step ahead of illegal immigration."

Last year, UKBA officials stopped more than 29,000 attempts to cross the Channel illegally and searched more than one million freight vehicles.

[The Silent Man]

I'm planning to sneak into Pakistan on the top of a truck. I'll get Pakistani nationality, call myself an English Pakistani and demand equality with the natives. My children will be Pakistanis and will rise to prominence in Pakistani society by calling anyone who points out they are English imperialists as racists

[Smaland]

I'm planning to sneak into Pakistan on the top of a truck. I'll get Pakistani nationality, call myself an English Pakistani and demand equality with the natives. My children will be Pakistanis and will rise to prominence in Pakistani society by calling anyone who points out they are English imperialists as racists

Don't forget to proclaim the superiority of traditional English culture (true), refuse to assimilate, and hold loud and obnoxious demonstrations blaring out your intention to destroy Pakistan.