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99% sure I was raped by a random black stranger at a party (serious replies only please)
I know the title sounds a bit trollish, but I am completely genuine. I am sorry if I offended or upset anyone and sorry if I posted this in the wrong section. I specifically made this account to ask this question because I'm a long time lurker and this community has always seemed to be full of kindred spirits (i.e. people who actually care about the continued existence of Europeans).
I never go to parties but on July 21st I went to my little sister's best friends beach bonfire birthday party. I only remember having one drink. I woke up hours later under the pier without my bikini bottoms or the jean shorts I'd been wearing over them. Rather than call 911 or go to the hospital I covered up with a nearby towel and used an acquaintance's phone to get an uber back to my apartment. Then, rather than tell anyone what happened to me or go to the hospital for a rape kit like a rational human being, I showered until all the sand and whatever else was gone from my body. I saw a gynecologist three days later (my first appointment with one, though I am nearly 23). The gynecologist asked me some questions one of which was when I was last sexually active and I broke down and admitted that I thought I might have been raped. He got me STD tested and took a pregnancy test and told me that it was too late for a morning after pill. He gave me a pamphlet on "partner abuse" (not sexual assault) and sent me home.
When the doctor called a few days later he said that all the STD tests were negative but said nothing about the pregnancy test and when I looked at the test results myself on my insurance's app I couldn't interpret the results and I was frankly scared to call back and ask. I have barely left my apartment since last month (which is kind of normal for me because I've got pretty severe social anxiety, but it's 10 times worse now). I started messaging people who were at the party on facebook and asking the few people I knew if they'd seen me with anyone or if they'd seen anything suspicious. One person I know said I was last seen 'talking' to a black guy she'd never seen before and when my sister asked other people they also didn't know who he was. I have searched through so many pictures of the party on facebook and I haven't seen anyone like the possible assailant that different people said I was talking to.
I don't know why no one checked on me if I was obviously intoxicated and talking to a random black guy no one knew. I still haven't told anyone but my gynecologist and some anonymous person on RAINN crisis chat what happened to me, but I want to scream every time I see my little sister, who thinks I ditched her at the beach because I was tired. I haven't told my parents because they would be even more furious with me for drinking (they're already furious that I left my sister), considering I was supposed to be there to make sure my she didn't get into any trouble and they're very religious and quite strict about drinking. Frankly, they would blame me for what happened. I'm supposed to be smarter than this.
It is now August 18th and my period is five days late. Five days might not sound like a lot, but my period is very regular. I read online that stress can mess up your period, so my hopes are riding on that. I have been alternating between wanting to go to the store and get a pregnancy test and wanting to just kill myself (I'm not going to do the that). Abortion is never something I've considered for myself. I always have had sympathy for women who do get abortions because of rape, but because of my commitment to my religion, I have always felt that I wouldn't get one myself under any circumstances.
I'm also someone who has never even considered having sex with a black man or having mixed race children. It's not that I'm racist: they're just not my type and I feel strongly about preserving my bloodline (which can be traced back hundreds of years in England) and preventing the extinction of Europeans. I would want any child I have to come from the same background as me. I am Anglo American and I am attracted to other Anglo Americans. I don't think it is fair to bring a mixed race baby into the world after reading so much about how awful life is for people who are black or half black in America. I don't think the baby would feel at home in my family either-- they'd stick out like a sore thumb. If I am pregnant, it will destroy my graduate school plans and I have no idea how I'll afford to care for a baby. I'm emotionally not ready for a baby. I can hardly take care of myself these days. I'm sure that I could still love a child that was born out of rape eventually, but if I had a half black baby it would look black and I'd be reminded of the fact I was raped every time I looked at it.
Last week I woke up with terrible abdominal pain that felt like I was being stabbed in the stomach and I vomited for hours and hours. I have been trying to convince myself it is a stress ulcer and not a sign of pregnancy. Every time I hear the neighbor's baby crying through the thin walls here I feel sick to the stomach. I know that virginity isn't that important to most people and being a virgin at my age probably seems pathetic to a lot of people, but my virginity was something I wanted to share with my husband. My faith is a huge part of my life and saving it for marriage has always been something my mother stressed to me as a kid. I feel like my worth has been stolen from me, and all because I was an idiot who had a drink at a party because I didn't want to lame and awkward.
Christians, fellow Europeans, and anyone who is mixed or has some relevant insight, what would be the next step to take? I can't think about this logically. I can't think at all. How likely am I to be pregnant by rape? The internet seems to give conflicting info: some places say rapes rarely result in pregnancy and others say rapes result in HIGHER likelihood of pregnancy. I don't think I fought back since I don't think I was conscious for any of it, but I could feel when I got home that something terrible had happened and I was sore and there was sand in places there shouldn't have been (sorry for tmi). Is it possible that the rapist damaged something inside of me and that's what caused my stomach pain? I'm sorry if I sound like a troll or an idiot but this is real and this is happening to me and I can't just tell my parents and if I do tell them they'll pressure me to keep the baby and I can't exactly explain to my pastor that I had an abortion (which I still don't know if I could bring myself to do) because I didn't want to bring a mixed race rape baby into the world. I feel disgusting, broken, ruined, and terrified.
P.S. In case anyone can tell me whether or not this is positive for pregnancy, the test says HCG INTACT <5mlU/mL. This was taken 3 days after the rape, if that is relevant. I've read online that it should be above 5mlU/mL at 3 weeks, but I can't find anything that tells me what it should be at 3 days.
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Originally Posted by al-Bosni
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