British humor

**The Lawspeaker** · 10-17-2018, 01:13 PM

Let's stick this thread and turn it into a sanctuary for British comedy. Such as this glorious example of mocking modern PC-culture:

**The Lawspeaker** · 10-23-2018, 01:03 AM

So that's why Nelson said: 'Kiss me, Hardy'

by RICHARD LITTLEJOHN
Last updated at 22:58 29 April 2007

It's two centuries since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over the French and Spanish in the Battle of Trafalgar. To kickstart the anniversary celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson posed for pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich.
But before he was allowed to board an RNLI lifeboat, safety officials made him wear a life jacket over his 19th-century admiral's uniform.
This set me wondering how Nelson would have fared if he had been subject to modern elf 'n' safety regulations.
(The scene is the deck of the recently renamed British flagship, HMS Appeasement.)
"Order the signal, Hardy."
"Aye aye, sir."
"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
"Sorry, sir?"
"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?"
"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England" past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

"Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge-drinking."
"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."
"I think you'll find that there's a four knots speed limit in this stretch of water."
"Damn it, man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
"That won't be possible, sir."
What?

"Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c's'le, Admiral."
"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
"A couple of problems there, too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
"I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
"What? This is mutiny."
"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
"Actually, sir, we're not."
"We're not?"
"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that, sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."
"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your king."
"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
"Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
"As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
"What about sodomy?"
"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."
"In that case. .. kiss me, Hardy."

SHORTLY after I wrote this, the organisers of the official Trafalgar bicentenary celebrations decided that rather than reconstruct the battle in which the British fleet defeated a much larger Franco-Spanish fleet, they would simply stage a simulated confrontation between a Red Fleet and a Blue Fleet, so as not to upset the sensibilities of French and Spanish visitors.
A book published to coincide with the anniversary claimed that although Nelson won the battle without losing a single ship, the real 'victory of character' goes to the Spanish, who along with their French allies lost 18 ships. Of course it does. And Germany won World War II.
In Devon, Totnes council announced that it was refusing to mark the anniversary of the battle in case it upset their twin town in Normandy, France.
If Nelson were alive today, he'd wonder why he ever bothered.