Originally Posted by
♥ Lily ♥
Generally yes, I feel safer with people from my own country as I culturally understand them and relate better, and I like their mannerisms.
I can instantly understand their class group from their accents, their body language, the meanings behind the intonations of their voices, etc... which are more difficult to understand and detect with someone who isn't culturally from our country.
Even things like our sense of humour and finding similar things amusing, similar tastes in food and music, understanding and relating to each others cultural upbringings, etc... it's just easier to relate well.
I've dated a Swedish guy a few times in the past and we went to several fine art galleries and beautiful restaurants together, but I didn't want to become intimate because I didn't know him very well. I felt safe with him, but I couldn't read his intentions well. He was very polite and charming, and we'd link arms whilst walking outside together, and he showed me his nice home.
I only went on a date once with a Bulgarian man who I found way too pushy and fast on the first (and last) date - so I made an excuse to go home and didn't bother to answer his texts and calls for several months after that - plus he couldn't speak much English and communication was very difficult. I don't know if that's how men are in his culture, but I found it way too pushy for a man to put his hands all over a female in public on the first date - before I'd even got the chance to get to know him.
I've been asked on dates by nice American guys, Polish, Chinese, Japanese, and men from other nations here.... but declined because I was in a relationship with a gorgeous English man I adored. I can culturally relate well though to Americans, Australians, Kiwis, and those from Anglo-Celtic cultures.
I've felt very safe in the company of Irish men living in the UK, and with people (regardless of ethnic background) who've been culturally raised here.
My first relationship - which lasted a few years was with a St Lucian man (who I'm still friends with to this day, but a relationship other than friendship just can't work,) and I can still go to his home and talk with him, and we get along as friends... but I ended that first relationship due to the numerous differences between us.
Even things like food... I'd cook pasta dishes at home and European meals - and he'd cook his own Caribbean dishes instead. He'd criticise European foods and culture as being inferior to his culture, which caused disagreements... he'd want to listen to loud reggae music all the time - which irritated me after a while so I'd have to leave the room - only to find he wouldn't turn his loud music down, and I silently preferred listening to my own cultural music... which he mocked a lot and doesn't like. 'Oh, white people can't sing... white people can't do this... white people can't do that.... why do white people turn pink in the sun... lol.' That really irritated me and arguments would start, and he'd start shouting loudly - so I'd quietly walk out in tears. Next thing he'd be nice again and would be telling me how he prefers white girls to his own girls. He'd say a lot of mean things about black women wearing fake hair which he can't stand.
Our sense of humour is different too. I'd share a joke and he didn't get it, and him and his friends would laugh at things I didn't find amusing. Him and his male friends would use a lot of terms from their language which I didn't understand. Sometimes they'd sit around the table and would say a lot of mean things about white men looking gay, which I didn't like. Other times they'd tell me so many negative things about white men, that I almost started disliking my own race and started to detach from them. Then another time I got upset and nervous when a friend of his had a gun in his room.
Another time, him and his black male friends were sitting downstairs laughing and playing cards and drinking together... and I was quietly reading upstairs in the bedroom... and suddenly I heard loud shouting between them and I got scared. My Saint Lucian bf came into the room a while later and asked why I was looking nervous and I explained their shouting was scaring me. He told me they were just having a 'friendly disagreement' and 'just the way we talk' and he cuddled me and told me it was nothing to be scared of.
He told his friends they had to talk more quietly as it was making me nervous, and so they all went quiet and they apologised the next day for scaring me - but they seemed to find it amusing cos they kept giggling amongst themselves and saying things to each other around me like, 'Shh, talk more quietly - so not to make the white girl scared and distressed....' I initially thought they had an attitude problem, but then I realised they were being genuine in their apology. His friends were protective though as I was in a shop once, and a guy started troubling me, and two of my bf's friends were in the shop and they made the guy leave and they walked me home.
Another time one of their friend's 'Spider' ran into the house and he was screaming as he'd been stabbed in his eye, and my ex was pulling me away into a room as he didn't want me to see all the blood. He yelled at me to stay in the room and don't look as it was gruesome, so I did as I was told. All of his male friends were gathered around him and I just stayed in a separate room. He'd been stabbed outside by some other guys over something. He didn't want to get the police involved. Then some of his friends ran out the house to find and attack the other guys.
They'd often have to explain the meanings of words from their patua language to me, as I couldn't always understand what they were saying.
They'd blast a lot of homophobic music loudly if they saw a gay man outside, which I thought was rude mannerisms.
[video=youtube;zAZqlaDCLSI]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zAZqlaDCLSI&frags=pl%2Cwn[video]
Other times they'd brag about white men they'd severely beaten-up after arguments, which upset me. Other times I had to listen to lectures about slavery and how 'evil' our ancestors were, which caused disagreements.
Also I had some problems with black females who would try to 'accidentally' trip me up in the street, would try to pull my hair in bars and pretend it was an accident, etc, when they saw me walking and holding hands with a black man. One of them rudely said 'white girls are stealing our men' and they kept rudely glaring at us... and he told me that they're just jealous and he'd yell at them and told them they had fake hair, so they'd sulk and leave us alone. Another time his sister visited wearing a top with a statement written on it how black women are 'superior,' which I thought was rude. Quietly coping with the bitchiness of black women towards white females with a black man was difficult too.
Vanessa Paradis said she went through the same problems during her relationship with Lenny Kravitz and said that black females tried to pull her hair too. Some white females and some black guys have even made videos on YT about coping with bitchy black females being mean towards them.
Then there was other cultural misunderstandings over things - he wanted me to be more outgoing like the black females in his culture - who love dancing to reggae and ragga music and hanging around with his friends in bars and would talk loudly - whereas I prefer to sit very quietly and not say much - which he culturally misinterpreted as not wanting to relate - I didn't mind dancing with him when we were alone, but I was too shy to dance in public places... and I just wanted some space to think and find myself - so since then I've only been in relationships with European men.
I'm still good friends with my Saint Lucian ex and we do laugh at some things together, although we don't always get each others jokes... and if a man troubles me, I just phone him and he deals with them for me. Although one time he upset me when an Irish friend of mine said something nasty... and my Saint Lucian ex was in the same room when he said it... and he instantly punched the Irish man to the ground and then kicked him hard, and shouted at him that he'd return later with his friends after dropping our son home first... 'to finish him off.' I had to calm him down, but I didn't like what he did to my Irish friend. Luckily he calmed down a few hours later after he'd had a few spliffs, and so he didn't bother to travel back to the other side of London to carry out his threat.
One thing we shared in common was our love of working-out together early each morning, our love of fitness, and healthy eating.
Our son has had an English cultural upbringing and attended a quiet residential school in the English countryside, and he enjoys the best of both cultures... he likes the tropical dishes his dad cooks at home for him and his half-siblings on his father's side, and he also enjoys English dishes I make whenever he visits me and likes English music too. I think he's closer to his father though as his Dad often accused me of making our son 'soft' by always cuddling him and talking very gently to him if he'd done something naughty, and his Dad wanted him to be manly and would be much firmer with our son. It used to cause some disagreements in the way our son was raised, as his dad is much firmer and stricter. His dad used to yell loudly at our son if he did something naughty, and I'd often make a fuss over him by cuddling him... and then his dad would lose his temper with me for pampering him after he'd been naughty.
Although one time he was shouting at me as our son had been naughty and he came over to me for a cuddle which annoyed his father, and our son then suddenly jumped up whilst his dad was shouting at me - and he put his hand over his dad's mouth and nearly pushed him over due to our son's immense strength. We both found it amusing and he stopped shouting and we started giggling... and he looked stunned and then he jokingly said to our son, 'Hey, Mister... I'm the boss... remember that...' Lol.
Also the way we handle problems is very different too. If someone in the street is behaving in an annoying manner - such as a drunkard or someone begging for money, I just quietly ignore it and say nothing as I don't like confrontations... although my son will just firmly tell them to go away ... whereas his Dad will shout and confront them and he says rude things to people he doesn't like, which embarrasses me as I don't like altercations. It's caused some disagreements too, as I've quietly told him that he can't yell abuse at people.... and he just shouts that he can say whatever he wants.
One time we were in a cafe and an obsese black woman served us, and he quietly but rudely said to her, 'You need to lose weight, you know... it's not healthy to be fat,' - and she said something about not caring what he thought... and he quietly said that he was just giving her some advice as he can't stand fat people... and then she got really mad and then they started shouting and arguing with each other, and I felt uncomfortable. The manager then came out as the waitress complained to him, and the manager asked if he could leave, and I felt so embarrassed, but as we were leaving the place he was still yelling at the woman. He shouted that she should thank him for giving her advice to lose weight otherwise she'll die of a heart attack - and he yelled that she just doesn't want to hear the truth that she's obese.
The guy in this video with the sunshades looks a lot like him.... same hairstyle too.... and a similar attitude.
[video=youtube;fPO76Jlnz6c]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPO76Jlnz6c&frags=pl%2Cwn[/vdeo]
Other times he's rudely mocked me for being timid and nervous around people. In my culture, people are generally more reserved and don't openly say what we're thinking, but in his culture, they just say what they think - even if it offends other people.
I've never needed to explain myself to English men, as they just automatically understand when someone is quiet and they don't force me to be someone else. My relationship with a French man didn't work out after a few years, but I've got along great in relationships with either Irish or English men. We love similar foods, similar music tastes, culturally relate well, share a similar sense of humour and have both a linguistic and cultural understanding, etc.
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