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Jeremy Epstein (no relation) from Dime Investment Express of Finance Amalgamated Group, the author of a New York Times best-seller "We Don't Know What The Fuck We Are Doing But We Will Keep Doing That Shit Over And Over Until The Next Market Crash Then Blame The Consumer For 'Underbuying' Our Shitty Pyramid Scheme Products But You Consumerpigs Will Keep Buying Either Way, How About That" here with another million dollar marketing idea to dip that polyglot taco right in the hummus. A final IT solution, if you will. #Research #Innovation #Progress

This will energize, revolutionize, reinvigorate the good old internet by turning it into the commodity it is to maximize your profits, contributing even more to dumbing down the masses worldwide, and eliminate political dissent on all fronts (invest in VPN companies, they'll be worth biyans) making our Services more accessible, personalized, customized, optimized, localized to better work for you, getting the results that we believe will be meaningful to you™.


Oops. How did my selfie get in here.

Now let's look at some pies. But before that, let's ask the obvious: What is GM, GIS Geotargeting or simply GIS, LBS, and all that scary spooky meaningless acronym jazz? Sounds like a more aggressive strain of the AIDS virus.
Local advertising refers to optimizing delivering ads according to the position of the recipient (client, user). It is used in Geo (marketing). Local search (Internet) often fuels uses optimization for targeting the advertising.
Plain simple like the internet is going to be, it's localization. The gist of the idea is to give moms and pops incentive to visit a local crappy restaurant (affiliated) in their area as opposed to a crappy restaurant (soon-to-be affiliated) somewhere else because it makes no economic sense to show someone based in Delaware all the restaurants in Bangladesh. In other words, another grand tool to maximize your profits.




Now let's turn that sucker on and unlock the true potential of geolocation-based marketing:

See how it autotranslated to your language? It just works. (Well, it doesn't now but it will. ;)


Take for instance YouTube which offers useless talentless scum content creators™ the ability to autotranslate captions which is useful.




Video titles/description, too.

But why stop there? Here's Jeremy's big city big brain big idea marketing pitch free* of charge: What if we took the comment sections and translated them too? That's nothing, a child's play. Let's use a state of the art AI to translate voices in the videos, autodubbing them, too. No need to learn another language after implementing this. It's all about helping regional "people" all over the world by helpfully speeding the process of dumbification of product-worshiping fat fanatic sheep ruled over by Too Big To Fail corporation-ran corrupt local banana governments. It's just busine$$ -- nothin' personnel, kiddo!

*There is a small nominal fee of $1,000 if implemented.


Now let's look at the stats.
  • 80% of all people in the world want this. 80% that's 7 billion people in India. Picture this: Pewdiepie but in Punjabi? I know! The technology for this insane totally far-out revolutionary idea is already here and the "research" (conducted and done by people affiliated with the company, with the results we wanted to get) has shown that we could really tap into that untapped Punjabi market where no one speaks English which is a bad thing for our economic bottom line. But autodubbing AI, that's a genius idea translating to billion Punjabi consumers and that's a good thing for the tentacled abomination monolith that is our company. We need to reach that third world market on their own terms and the result pays off, mark my words.
  • 14% nay-sayers out these, those negative nancies white supremacist altrighters will cry out and say something predictable reactionary like "oh you can't do this this impedes education and this is bad, and really makes my autism flare up because I like my French things to stay French and Swahili cooking recipe YouTubers to stay Swahili" but FUCK that noise. These people all live in their parents' basements and aren't the driving force that fats up our pockets so fuck them right in the boypussy.


Now this is of course all insane, a worst case scenario, a spooky Halloween tale that will never happen. ;)

For a fee starting at $2999 a month you will have the option to opt-out from the basic localized autosubscription package and choose any of the DLC bundles that are right for you non-monolingual smart owls out there even though in this day and age there is no place for polyglots because AIs already do a better job but at least you will have freedom of choice™. I call this the "EA's golden egg switcheroo" technique.



Thank you all for coming to my technology tedxtalk Timbuktu. I hope businesses worldwide adopt this (the fee is $1,000 if you do or I will take you to the court and SUE you for the last penny your unborn children have in their Hhahvad trust fund, buddy.) soon because I can't wait for the internet to become a truly miserable hellscape of a place (a.k.a. Television 2: Electric Boogaloo).