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Thread: relationship ptsd

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    Default relationship ptsd

    i’m going to put some of this in a spoiler, serving as a trigger/content warning.

    Spoiler!


    i recently went through a traumatic event in which my health tanked that i almost died in september. i’ve had a lot of downtime to think while recovering. i kept thinking that a lot of people that i’m connected to on social media etc, i invest both my limited time and energy in giving people attention, love, validation, but when i was sick, i didn’t want to tell anyone but a handful of people what i was going while i was going through it because my thought was i don’t care to be a passing dinner topic where people say useless shit to show another person that they’re empathetic and spiritual and such good people.

    i’ve been avoiding addressing the topic to myself for a while, and i’ve always kept busy to keep my mind off of it. i fucked up my scheduling for appointments next week due to procrastination. i remember dr. laura schlessinger saying on her radio program that procrastination is a form of fear.

    Symptoms of PTSD
    via https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/art...#ptsd-symptoms
    • They reexperience the trauma through nightmares, flashbacks, or intrusive thoughts.
    • They intentionally avoid things that remind them of the traumatic event.
    • They are easily startled.
    • They have unusual angry outbursts.
    • They seem anxious or depressed, especially in ways that directly relate to the trauma. For example, a survivor of sexual assault might be more anxious or depressed about sexual activity in the relationship.
    • They have a distorted sense of reality about the trauma and may feel guilty or ashamed.
    • They have intense negative thoughts, low self-esteem, or a sense of hopelessness.
    • They lose interest in activities they once enjoyed.
    • They struggle to remember parts of the traumatic event.


    i wonder at this point if i had gotten therapy earlier in life, instead of listening to people tell me that it was unnecessary and a waste of my time, would i have been able to prevent broken relationships and bad health? i have my first therapy session scheduled for next week.

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    I think that a lot of the problems especially for women (men tend to just be aggressive and resentful) with PTSD (from abuse etc) tends to be not only mistrust but shame and self loathing. I think since the woman is the weaker sex; they naturally feel to blame as where a man can easily place the blame on others. I think the biggest hurdle is trust; once you can trust someone fully you will learn to accept that you aren't to blame for the circumstances that have been put on your shoulders. I think part of it too is when people (especially women) try to open up, males either don't respond in a supportive way (just out of the defensive nature of men) or don't respond how the female expects or wants them to react.

    So regardless communication is the key; both parties have to set their insecurities aside and come together to make things as best as they can be.
    Those who want to live, let them fight, and those who do not want to fight in this world of eternal struggle do not deserve to live.

    Even if this were hard--that is how it is ! Assuredly, however, by far the harder fate is that which strikes the man who thinks he can overcome Nature, but in the last analysis only mocks her. Distress, misfortune, and diseases are her answer.

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    Therapy will help, but I also think that we relate the physical with the mental in a lot of different ways. I know nothing about your life, but I think that increased productivity increases mental well-being. Spend more time and put in an effort on stuff you find valuable. This includes stuff like reading books about stuff you want to know about, studying harder (if you study), find a job you like, work out, eat healthier and set goals you want to achieve and work towards them.

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    Quote Originally Posted by PaleoEuropean View Post
    I think that a lot of the problems especially for women (men tend to just be aggressive and resentful) with PTSD (from abuse etc) tends to be not only mistrust but shame and self loathing. I think since the woman is the weaker sex; they naturally feel to blame as where a man can easily place the blame on others. I think the biggest hurdle is trust; once you can trust someone fully you will learn to accept that you aren't to blame for the circumstances that have been put on your shoulders. I think part of it too is when people (especially women) try to open up, males either don't respond in a supportive way (just out of the defensive nature of men) or don't respond how the female expects or wants them to react.

    So regardless communication is the key; both parties have to set their insecurities aside and come together to make things as best as they can be.
    in my opinion, i excel in communication, especially plain communication. i even tell the other person what i expect from them or possible solutions to the issue i’m posing to them.

    i was told in marriage counseling i’m too aggressive when speaking, but he was using the word “assertive” at first. i said that would have been nice to know at the beginning of my last marriage when we discussed expectations, instead of him saying he held the same beliefs i did, only for five years later to find out it was a farce.

    an example: he said first that he wanted children. i said i’m okay with that, but if he changes his mind, let me know. sex was nearly non existent. i kept asking every couple of months if he changed his mind because all of his actions said he didn’t want children. he kept insisting i was wrong and still, nothing.

    i brought this up in counseling, and he told the counselor that i seemed set on it and i wouldn’t “listen”. like no, when i responded with the same line i’ve always said( “i already have a kid, so it doesn’t bother me if we don’t have children. i just want to be clear this is what you want.”) the counselor told me how can my partner answer me when i’m being too aggressive. we stopped going to marriage counseling after every session was about me arguing with the therapist.

    i did learn that i have a hard time to accept failure and will often go above and beyond to make things work. aside from choosing an incompatible partner, maybe i stay married too long because failure wasn’t an option to me. i chose to divorce my ex after the last therapy session. if he can’t be honest about his intentions during the relationship, aside from this one time during marriage counseling( which i pursued), then it will never work.

    i remember thinking wasn’t i pretty enough? i wore all the things he liked. i was getting attention from other men, but he didn’t really care about me unless to show that he “owns” me. i left my career and schooling for him at his request. i didn’t see anyone outside of my family at his request. i did everything he asked for and still looked the same. was there something i was doing wrong? i always asked myself this. i always asked for feedback and if there’s anything to change.

    i feel bitter. he never laid hands on me, but he isolated me and then started hurting me in other ways.

    i do agree communication is key. i was told by that marriage counselor that i’m too aggressive and blunt and i need to learn how to soften what i say. i don’t understand why he didn’t just tell me it wasn’t good, instead of waiting to tell some third party, as if i was abusing him with my words the whole five years. i remember reading sean’s post about women being cats. i kept thinking blaming myself all these years, but maybe it wasn’t a matter of loyalty as much as it was that this relationshit will never get into a working condition i could be alright with.

    Quote Originally Posted by RN97 View Post
    Therapy will help, but I also think that we relate the physical with the mental in a lot of different ways. I know nothing about your life, but I think that increased productivity increases mental well-being. Spend more time and put in an effort on stuff you find valuable. This includes stuff like reading books about stuff you want to know about, studying harder (if you study), find a job you like, work out, eat healthier and set goals you want to achieve and work towards them.
    i totally agree with what you’re saying; very solid advice. i’ve decided to finish the degree i started years ago. i was kind of slow at first, but i have a more comprehensive plan these days. i would say this is the only reason i haven’t completely fallen into depression.

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    Both people have way too high expectations of each-other, and when reality doesn't allign with those expectations they get angry/frustrated/sad etc.
    Best solution is to never get in a relationship.

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    So first off I want to say I think it’s really brave of you to open up about this.
    I had a mentally abusive relationship when I was younger and it really took a toll on me and a lot of my relationships after the fact. I almost craved toxicity because that’s what I felt I deserved. Also left me questioning every motive every other person I dated had with me. It’s been a process but I’ve felt like I’ve overcome a lot in the last year.. as I said before, feel free to message me if you ever want to vent. Sometimes it feels good to just talk about it with someone lol.
    What’s done in darkness will come to light

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    Quote Originally Posted by Celestia View Post
    So first off I want to say I think it’s really brave of you to open up about this.
    I had a mentally abusive relationship when I was younger and it really took a toll on me and a lot of my relationships after the fact. I almost craved toxicity because that’s what I felt I deserved. Also left me questioning every motive every other person I dated had with me. It’s been a process but I’ve felt like I’ve overcome a lot in the last year.. as I said before, feel free to message me if you ever want to vent. Sometimes it feels good to just talk about it with someone lol.
    i also went through something similar to this with a mentally/emotionally abusive bf, and instances i've had in my childhood that have stuck with me even until now. it really sucks bc even if you've heard a million great things about yourself, you still clearly remember the negatives and you believe them more than the positive things people have said. as celestia said, this can make it really hard to trust people and makes you question everyone's motives; it can also potentially ruin good relationships bc you think they're out to get you or smth, which has happened to me in the past and i really regret it. i'm glad you've made the decision to go to therapy. being able to talk things out with someone who won't judge you and is a professional really helps. it's also good to think about how many more good people there are in the world, and that not everyone is like the people who hurt us in the past.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Celestia View Post
    So first off I want to say I think it’s really brave of you to open up about this.
    I had a mentally abusive relationship when I was younger and it really took a toll on me and a lot of my relationships after the fact. I almost craved toxicity because that’s what I felt I deserved. Also left me questioning every motive every other person I dated had with me. It’s been a process but I’ve felt like I’ve overcome a lot in the last year.. as I said before, feel free to message me if you ever want to vent. Sometimes it feels good to just talk about it with someone lol.
    Can you elaborate the specifics of what exactly? I feel like I'm the toxic one and maybe I'm just finger pointing too much

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    Quote Originally Posted by War Chef View Post
    Can you elaborate the specifics of what exactly? I feel like I'm the toxic one and maybe I'm just finger pointing too much

    Not to get too deep into it but he was controlling, did a lot of gaslighting, made me feel as if I wasn’t good enough for anyone.
    What’s done in darkness will come to light

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    Quote Originally Posted by War Chef View Post
    Both people have way too high expectations of each-other, and when reality doesn't allign with those expectations they get angry/frustrated/sad etc.
    Best solution is to never get in a relationship.
    that’s what dr. laura says, especially for single mothers, but i was already in a relationship by the time i heard it. if it doesn’t work out, i’m not going to get into another relationship.

    i think part of having a successful relationship is being able to identify good partners, and i’ve had a lot of trouble defining that for myself. i remember at lot of my 20s was dedicated trying to sort out my thoughts regarding identity because i would change my personality to complement my partner’s.

    i told abo before one of the reasons i like him is because it’s the real “me” he’s interacting with, and not some version i created to live in his mental and emotional environment. this has been a very weird feeling to me because i’m older and should have a more fixed personality, but i feel like i have the freedom to sort out my brain. i’m taking each day as it comes tbh.

    Quote Originally Posted by Celestia View Post
    So first off I want to say I think it’s really brave of you to open up about this.
    I had a mentally abusive relationship when I was younger and it really took a toll on me and a lot of my relationships after the fact. I almost craved toxicity because that’s what I felt I deserved. Also left me questioning every motive every other person I dated had with me. It’s been a process but I’ve felt like I’ve overcome a lot in the last year.. as I said before, feel free to message me if you ever want to vent. Sometimes it feels good to just talk about it with someone lol.
    i used to be a part of so many forums, and i’d talk about my life stuff, and someone thought it would be great to tell me how i’m poking around for free therapy, etc and so forth. people can be mean, but i’ve not really ran into anyone here who has made me feel bad by saying mean stuff to me about what i went through; at least, not to my face. for me, that suffices. i feel sometimes i’m like a pot boiling over and a vent helps me continue going on.

    i appreciate you very much and i hope that i make it obvious that i do. <3

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