I'm the next great American novelist, and hilarious alcoholic.

Obesity is my game, however "more cushion for the pushin" they say.

I'm a tall, glass of milk that is slightly blighted by the "evil" h33br0 genes.

My next girlfriend shall be immortalized digitally, as I shall record the sounds of me slapping her ass, put distortion on them, and use it for my next dark ambient EP.

This has got to appeal to someone...

Please love me.

Or hate me.

Just do something emotional, please.