Most useless inventions ever

[Jarl]

I live in an immigrant ghetto, and it still surprises me how low some of the females of our race have sunk.

It's a mass-culture trend. It's on the radio, it's on MTV, its on Viva = it's cool! I wouldn't blame ordinary girls or the masses in general, but the financial elites who make the decisions to promote and earn money on that crap.

[Osweo]

It's a mass-culture trend. It's on the radio, it's on MTV, its on Viva = it's cool! I wouldn't blame ordinary girls or the masses in general, but the financial elites who make the decisions to promote and earn money on that crap.

I don't know, Jarl. Is my family really so extraordinary that we managed to resist all this shit? What's wrong with the masses? They baffle me.

[lei.talk]

guys buys this for her, but..
buy yours here!

...she would enjoy this more.
buy yours here!

[lei.talk]

[Jackson]

I genuinely think these are great, i would buy them if they were marketed:

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[lei.talk]

The skin-whitening craze in asia has reached a new low - literally: washes and creams promising to lighten women's swarthy genitalia have hit the shelves for the first time in Thailand and India, sparking concerns that the beauty obsession with fairness has gone too far

In Thailand, Lactacyd White Intimate comes complete with a ten-stage color-chart to show how skin beautifies from swarthy to creamy white "within four weeks".

In India, an advertisement for Clean and Dry Intimate Wash promises a "brighter" vagina and better sex.

Fair skin has long been a status-symbol in Asia, where the market for skin-whitening products reached an estimated two billion dollars last year.

While demand shows no signs of slowing, the arrival of vagina-whiteners has incensed many women. One commentator in India described the washes as the "ultimate insult".

In Thailand, well-known politics-and-relationships blogger Kaewmala said they are designed to make women feel insecure about their "little sisters" (vaginas). Furthermore, she asked: what will happen once women's feminine parts are all white? Will glow-in-the-dark vaginas be next?

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Late last week, an advertisment for Clean and Dry Intimate Wash, a Midas Care product that promises to bring “fairness and freshness” to a woman’s private parts, began attracting attention on the Internet after journalist Rupa Subramanya tweeted out a link to the commercial. Manjula Narayan gives us a rollercoaster account of how she captured that elusive inner glow.

Having a light, bright vagina has been my one big ambition. For years, I've looked at all the other women getting fantastic jobs, flying first class, marrying wonderful men who only ever beat them up as part of an erotic bedroom game, women who wander down Gurgaon's MG road unmolested by gangs of thugs or policemen and wondered, 'What do they have that I don't have?' The answer came to me in a blinding flash: they're fair everywhere; why, they're fair even down there.

Let me make it clear: I am obsessed with fairness. Before I step out into the blazing heat of Delhi's summer I always throw on enough sunblock to cause an eclipse, swaddle my face and my neck in a voluminous dupatta and wedge huge Jackie O sunglasses on my nose. I pull on flesh-coloured elbow gloves that make me look like Sushmita Sen with a face transplant but minus the liposuction and fake tits. Also, for as long as I can remember, I've been slathering on Fair & Lovely, using only those face washes that promise to slough off my brown skin and reveal the superbly roseate Caucasian dermis underneath, and spending a monthly fortune on gold facials. On very sunny days, I carry a dual purpose umbrella, one that morphs into a gun. Yes, I know, very Georgi Markov, but perfectly suited to conditions in the National Capital Region, I assure you.

Sadly, these measures have ensured that I look like layer cake: fair head, brown body and oh, not a purple vagina with blue spots, but definitely a dark one. Nobody says it out loud but few argumentative Indians want to discuss Derrida, Foucault and Chomsky with lips they can't see when the lights are off. By now you can probably tell I have one of those vaginas that insists on intellectualising everything, that spends an inordinate amount of time pondering about the Big Questions of Life, a genuine thinker, but one that, nevertheless, wants to be light, bright, pink-white - ah, the tragedy of the modern Indian woman, so smart, yet so utterly idiotic.

So, yeah, I have no problem with that TV spot except that at first, it made no sense. Why was the woman in the ad looking longingly at her husband/partner-whom-she's-been-sleeping-with-for-so-long-she-doesn't-even-notice-when-he-farts-in-bed? Didn't she have to plan out her day, rustle up a gourmet breakfast, make lists, okay, read the newspaper? Nah, how is she to get at the paper with the fartist hogging it? So she passes him a cup of coffee minus the strychnine. It would never do to murder a man before breakfast.

Besides, what would the 13-year-old house help, who hasn't been paid for the last three months, think? Next, the woman pops into the shower — the memsahib not the house help, who isn't allowed showers — and a line drawing appears. The animation specifies exactly where the mysterious Clean and Dry gets to work. Is it like Itch Guard, which kills the summer fungi that make Indian men scratch their balls even more than they are normally wont to? Then, the voiceover mentions brightness, shine, which translates to "magical melanin reduction" in the elaborate code of Indian adspeak. Finally, I see the light. This is a wonder product; it's an Itch Guard that promises to bleach my oyster. This is what I had been working towards all my life — achieving a light, bright vulva, a lit clit, a perfect pudendum, a cleft to beat all clefts, an utterly lovable labia.

I'm elated but also a bit alarmed. Clean and Dry is all very well, but where are the products to help me have a perfectly depilated snatch rivalling Sunny Leone's... because if it's stubbly, how the hell will the bedfellow even know I'm fair where it matters, at the core? I suppose some big conglomerate is awaiting reports on my venerable mons before launching a range of allied products. I and my new glow-in-the-dark hot button aren't complaining. I feel reborn. In celebration, my very vocal beaver has been quoting from the metaphysical poets, stealing lines from Eve Ensler and filling its thought bubbles with flashes of Georgia O'Keefe.

My confidence has surged. I intimidate even the boys from Karnal and Rohtak who drive into the NCR for their weekend gangbangs. When I, dressed in a sheer strappy top and itsy-bitsy shorts, swigging from a bottle of beer and blowing smoke rings into the air, saunter down the road past groups of binge-drinking men post, gasp, 8pm, all they do is whisper in terror: "Keep away from her. She's the possessor of a...a light, bright vagina!" Ah yes, my lovebox is a wonderful talisman, more effective than a nazar suraksha kavach, more potent than a loaded gun, and pretty damn good looking too.

Thanks to my favourite intimate wash, I now have a fantastic job; I've dumped the resident fartist for a trust fund millionaire who has long and thoughtful discussions on fascism and the Indian state with my labia; I am self-actualised.

Thank you, Clean and Dry, for turning my life around.

MANJULA NARAYAN

[StevenTylerAerosmith]

most useless invention is cottage cheese that is not very tasty

[ovidiu]

Bacon flavored dental floss

https://baconfreak.com/bacon-dental-floss/

Though some may not think it useless at all.