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Thread: A Few Jokes

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    Default A Few Jokes

    In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.

    One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a scottish accent came from within the dense fog.

    "Any one scotsman can beat any 10 englishmen".

    With this, the english general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.

    "Any one scotsman can beat any 50 englishman".

    With this the english general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice.

    "Any one scotsman can beat any 100 englishman".

    Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.

    "Any one scotsman can beat any 1,000 englishman".

    By this time, the english general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERES TWO OF THEM".

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    A Scotsman visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didn't feel that the natives were very friendly. "At three o'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on my bedroom door, one the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes.

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    "Where do you come from?" the Scotsman asked an American. "From the greatest country in the world," replied the American. "Funny," said the Scotsman, "you've got the strangest Scottish accent I've ever heard."

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    An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of sherry. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims " May the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony". The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, whom replies: "No, thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here"

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    In the back woods of Scotland, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the
    middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the
    delivery.

    To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern
    and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

    Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

    "Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the
    lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."

    Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

    "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern,
    lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

    The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do
    ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

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    A scotsman sits in a Pub and drinks all day and all nite.. finally at 4 am, the bartender tells him he has to go home..
    so the man spins around on the stool , hanging on to the bar....quite wobbly...closes one eye and points towards the door to get a berring ...
    he takes a step....and BAM !! falls flat on his face...
    he pulls himself up to the bar, re focuses , Takes a step and BAM !!...falls again.
    so..he crawls to the door..
    he pulls himself up, and hanging onto the door, looks down the street towards the way he has to walk home..still quite wobbly
    he lets go, takes a step and BAM!!! he falls again..
    this happens 3 or 4 times so he just crawls all the way home..
    he pulls himself up to the door, unlocks it....knees bruised, and hands sore,,,,,
    he knows he can not make it upstairs to the bedroom so he collapses on the floor, and crawls to the couch where he goes to sleep..
    The next morning..his wife wakes him up..
    YOU BEEN DRINKIN AT THE PUB AGAIN YE HEATHEN!!!
    "I have not been drinkin at the pub " he answers "what makes ya think that?"
    THE BARTENDER JUST CALLED , YE LEFT YER WHEELCHAIR DOWN THERE AGAIN !!!!

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    Absolutely FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!! rofl!!!!

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    How do you get a Scotsman to climb onto the roof of his home?
    Tell him that the drinks are on the house.

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    (in defense of my ain folk, it isn`t true that Scots are mean! We are famed for our hospitality. )

    An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went out for a night on the town. The Englishman spent £30, the Irishman spent £20 and the Scotsman spent a very enjoyable evening.

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    Wee Hughie was in the garden filling in a hole when his English neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the mad man was up to, he politely asked, 'What are you doing there, Hughie?'
    'My goldfish died,' replied Wee Hughie tearfully without looking up, 'and I've just buried him.'
    The English neighbour was very concerned. 'That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?'
    Wee Hughie patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, 'That's because he's inside your cat.'

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