A Few Jokes

[Treffie]

The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, all right!"

The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!"

The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"

The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

[SuuT]

I despise blond/e jokes.

[Treffie]

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

[Treffie]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

[Treffie]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

[Beorn]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper.
Before leaving she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32 " the clerk replies.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the same question. She replies,"I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down your panties. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead."
The old man slips both hands down her panties and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You're 47." Stunned, the woman says, "That's amazing. How do you know?".
The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's."

[Treffie]

"That's amazing. How do you know?".
The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's."

Thanks, I needed that!

[coldielox]

Hahahahahaaaaaa

[Ulf]

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

[SuuT]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;


Two men and a woman.



For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

'Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair - Kill her!!'



The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'



The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.



The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'



Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet...


The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.



'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'



MORAL:



Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.