Page 2 of 53 FirstFirst 1234561252 ... LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 524

Thread: A Few Jokes

  1. #11
    Senior Member Apricity Funding Member
    "Friend of Apricity"

    Oresai's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    Orkney
    Meta-Ethnicity
    Celtic
    Ethnicity
    Scottish
    Ancestry
    Scotland, Ireland, Sweden.
    Taxonomy
    Baltid
    Politics
    SNP
    Religion
    Heathen
    Age
    47
    Posts
    719
    Blog Entries
    4
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 39
    Given: 0

    0 Not allowed!

    Default

    Wee Hughie came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time. Hughie ?" he asked sarcastically." Let's hear a good excuse for a change.
    "Wee Hughie sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up.
    Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office."
    You'll have to do better than that. Hughie, "said his boss, disappointed. "No woman can be ready in ten minutes."

  2. #12
    Senior Member Apricity Funding Member
    "Friend of Apricity"

    Oresai's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    Orkney
    Meta-Ethnicity
    Celtic
    Ethnicity
    Scottish
    Ancestry
    Scotland, Ireland, Sweden.
    Taxonomy
    Baltid
    Politics
    SNP
    Religion
    Heathen
    Age
    47
    Posts
    719
    Blog Entries
    4
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 39
    Given: 0

    0 Not allowed!

    Default

    An Englishman, lecturing on his travels, was speaking disparagingly about the Scots in Canada and the mixing of the race with the Indians.
    ‘You’ll find,’ he said, ‘a great number of Scots half-breeds and French half*breeds, but you cannot find any English half-breeds.’
    ‘Not surprisingly,’ shouted Wee Hughie in the audience. ‘The squaws had to draw the line somewhere.

  3. #13
    Senior Member Apricity Funding Member
    "Friend of Apricity"

    Oresai's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    Orkney
    Meta-Ethnicity
    Celtic
    Ethnicity
    Scottish
    Ancestry
    Scotland, Ireland, Sweden.
    Taxonomy
    Baltid
    Politics
    SNP
    Religion
    Heathen
    Age
    47
    Posts
    719
    Blog Entries
    4
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 39
    Given: 0

    0 Not allowed!

    Default

    SCOTTISH FRUITCAKE RECIPE.
    You'll need the following:
    1 cup of water
    1 cup of sugar
    4 large brown eggs
    2 cups of dried fruit
    1 teaspoon of salt
    1 cup of brown sugar
    Lemon juice
    1 cup of nuts
    1 bottle of whiskey.

    Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
    Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
    Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
    Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
    Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway??

  4. #14
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Last Online
    09-23-2013 @ 06:37 AM
    Location
    Johannesburg
    Meta-Ethnicity
    Celtic
    Ethnicity
    Scottish
    Ancestry
    Scotland
    Country
    South Africa
    Religion
    Roman Catholic
    Gender
    Posts
    915
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 4
    Given: 0

    0 Not allowed!

    Default

    I absolutely love these. Thanks, hun!

  5. #15
    Senior Member Apricity Funding Member
    "Friend of Apricity"

    Oresai's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    Orkney
    Meta-Ethnicity
    Celtic
    Ethnicity
    Scottish
    Ancestry
    Scotland, Ireland, Sweden.
    Taxonomy
    Baltid
    Politics
    SNP
    Religion
    Heathen
    Age
    47
    Posts
    719
    Blog Entries
    4
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 39
    Given: 0

    0 Not allowed!

    Default

    Feline Physics Laws
    Law of Cat Inertia

    A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

    Law of Cat Motion

    A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

    Law of Cat Magnetism

    All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

    Law of Cat Thermodynamics

    Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

    Law of Cat Stretching

    A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

    Law of Cat Sleeping

    All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

    Law of Cat Elongation

    A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

    Law of Cat Obstruction

    A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

    Law of Cat Acceleration

    A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

    Law of Dinner Table Attendance

    Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

    Law of Rug Configuration

    No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

    Law of Obedience Resistance

    A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

    First Law of Energy Conservation

    Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

    Second Law of Energy Conservation

    Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

    Law of Refrigerator Observation

    If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

    Law of Electric Blanket Attraction

    Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

    Law of Random Comfort Seeking

    A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

    Law of Bag/Box Occupancy

    All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

    Law of Cat Embarrassment

    A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

    Law of Milk Consumption

    A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

    Law of Furniture Replacement

    A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

    Law of Cat Landing

    A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

    Law of Fluid Displacement

    A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

    Law of Cat Disinterest

    A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

    Law of Pill Rejection

    Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

    Law of Cat Composition

    A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

  6. #16
    Senior Member Apricity Funding Member
    "Friend of Apricity"

    Oresai's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    Orkney
    Meta-Ethnicity
    Celtic
    Ethnicity
    Scottish
    Ancestry
    Scotland, Ireland, Sweden.
    Taxonomy
    Baltid
    Politics
    SNP
    Religion
    Heathen
    Age
    47
    Posts
    719
    Blog Entries
    4
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 39
    Given: 0

    0 Not allowed!

    Default

    A cute Highland girl was giving a manicure to a man in Dunkeld barber shop. The man said, " How about a date later ? " She said, " I'm married."
    " So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a girlfriend." She replied, " You tell him yourself- he's shaving you."

  7. #17
    Senior Member Apricity Funding Member
    "Friend of Apricity"

    Oresai's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    Orkney
    Meta-Ethnicity
    Celtic
    Ethnicity
    Scottish
    Ancestry
    Scotland, Ireland, Sweden.
    Taxonomy
    Baltid
    Politics
    SNP
    Religion
    Heathen
    Age
    47
    Posts
    719
    Blog Entries
    4
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 39
    Given: 0

    0 Not allowed!

    Default

    Sandy and Wee Hughie were out on the moors shooting grouse when Sandy fell to the ground. He didn't seem to breathing and when Wee Hughie raised Sandy's eye-lids his eyes rolled back in his head. In a panic, Wee Hughie took out his cell phone and called the emergency services on 999. When he got through, he gasped to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice said, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." There was a silence from Wee Hughie for a few moments and then the operator heard a shot. Then Wee Hughie said "OK, now what?"

  8. #18
    Senior Member Apricity Funding Member
    "Friend of Apricity"

    Oresai's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    Orkney
    Meta-Ethnicity
    Celtic
    Ethnicity
    Scottish
    Ancestry
    Scotland, Ireland, Sweden.
    Taxonomy
    Baltid
    Politics
    SNP
    Religion
    Heathen
    Age
    47
    Posts
    719
    Blog Entries
    4
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 39
    Given: 0

    0 Not allowed!

    Default

    An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.

    The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow."
    The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow."
    The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"

  9. #19
    Senior Member Apricity Funding Member
    "Friend of Apricity"

    Oresai's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    Orkney
    Meta-Ethnicity
    Celtic
    Ethnicity
    Scottish
    Ancestry
    Scotland, Ireland, Sweden.
    Taxonomy
    Baltid
    Politics
    SNP
    Religion
    Heathen
    Age
    47
    Posts
    719
    Blog Entries
    4
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 39
    Given: 0

    1 Not allowed!

    Default

    A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands and gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
    Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

    Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

    Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."

    The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

  10. #20
    Senior Member Apricity Funding Member
    "Friend of Apricity"

    Oresai's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Last Online
    @
    Location
    Orkney
    Meta-Ethnicity
    Celtic
    Ethnicity
    Scottish
    Ancestry
    Scotland, Ireland, Sweden.
    Taxonomy
    Baltid
    Politics
    SNP
    Religion
    Heathen
    Age
    47
    Posts
    719
    Blog Entries
    4
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 39
    Given: 0

    0 Not allowed!

    Default

    A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
    The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'
    (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
    The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
    The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'

Page 2 of 53 FirstFirst 1234561252 ... LastLast

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •