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Thread: A Few Jokes

  1. #21
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    A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

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    Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone into foreclosure and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again.
    "Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"
    Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders:
    "Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"

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    A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.

    So he says; "What's all this about?"

    She says, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".

    To which her hubby fires back..."What about your 50 year old ass?"

    "Your name never came up." She replies!

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    SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF IRONY
    Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony. "It was weird," Fullmer said. "I was in London and, like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather, eh?" and I thought "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather." Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
    Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time," he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them to shit and I said "Hey, great weather!".
    Glaine ár gcroí - Neart ár ngéag - Beart de réir ár mbriathar


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    I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, “how come I never see you in here with Pete any more?”

    I asked him, “would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never repays, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have and when your back is turned he tries to sleep with your wife and daughter?”

    “Bloody Hell, no!” he said, somewhat flabbergasted.

    “Well, neither would Pete,” I added.
    Glaine ár gcroí - Neart ár ngéag - Beart de réir ár mbriathar


  7. #27
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    I'm going clubbing in Austria this year as I hear the underground house scene is really taking off.
    Glaine ár gcroí - Neart ár ngéag - Beart de réir ár mbriathar


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    Apparently, the Popemobile has 3 inch thick bullet-proof glass.

    There's f*cking faith for you.
    Glaine ár gcroí - Neart ár ngéag - Beart de réir ár mbriathar


  9. #29
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    Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
    "Sand," answered Juan.

    The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border.

    A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

    "Sand," says Juan.

    The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

    This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

    "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

    Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
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    A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.
    His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

    The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

    The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

    The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

    The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

    The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple And says,"Ask him again!"

    The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

    The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
    buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

    The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

    The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the fucking guts to pull the trigger."
    Glaine ár gcroí - Neart ár ngéag - Beart de réir ár mbriathar


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