A Few Jokes

[Beorn]

^ LOL!

My wife asked if we could buy a washing machine the other day.
Because I like sex, I said 'yes'.

[Tom Cat]

A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

[lei.talk]

Originally Posted by lei.talk

BEST VIEWED IN WINDOWS INTERNET EXPLORER

[Tom Cat]

An old prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old pack mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitching rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance . . . never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir . . . but . . . I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Don't mess with old men. They didn't get old by being stupid!

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

[Tom Cat]

My wife sometimes refers to me as a dirty old man... And I keep telling her I'm not that old.

[Germanicus]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces
four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the
springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless and the guy is paying.
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over
the room by the energetic German, all the time honking
on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational that she has ever
experienced and it is several minutes before she has
enough breath to say,

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'


'Ah,' says the German . .
'zat is ze.... Four-sprung Duck technique'

[The Lawspeaker]

A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells, “All politicians are assholes.”

A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, “I take offense to that!”

The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a politician?”

“No,” he replies, “I’m an asshole.”

[Brynhild]

How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill 2 1/2 men.

[lei.talk]

164km(102miles) away from
the Cernavoda nuclear power plant.

But, since I dont have precious children at all,
and consider my existence meaningless so far,
i might as well live on the darn thing,
and wouldn't give a d@mn!

would a good book improve your mood?

a silesian dental-hygienist of my acquaintance
found it thoroughly amusing.

[Motörhead Remember Me]

A man approaches a prostitute and asks her:
-Do you have syphilis?
-No, she replies
-Ok, I'll pay for one hour, the man says.
They take off somewhere to get it done and afterwards the man says:
-Now you have syphilis.