A Few Jokes

[Loddfafner]

Since there is no thread on tree identification, I will post this here:

Two tall trees were growing in the woods. A sapling began to grow between them. One tree said to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other said he could not tell.

Just then a woodpecker landed on the sapling. The tall tree said, "Woodpecker, you're a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker took a taste of the small tree. He replied, "Neither. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I've ever put my pecker in."

[Germanicus]

What does a woman want

This is very interesting..........




Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved
by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom,
as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would
have a year to figure out the answer and, If after a year, he still
had no answer, he would be put to death.







The question was: What do women really want?



Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, And to
young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better
than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by
year's end.



He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: The princess,
the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with
everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people
advised him to consult the old witch, For only she would have the
answer. But the price would be
high as the witch was famous through out the kingdom for the
exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk
to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to
agree to her price first.



The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, The most noble of the
Knights of the Round Table, And Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur
was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth,
Smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.



He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He
refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible
burden, but Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with
Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to
Arthur's life. And the reservation of the Round Table. Hence, a
wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered.







Arthur's question thus: 'What a woman really wants?'
She said, 'Is to be in charge of her own life.'



Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a
great truth. And that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was.
The neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom.
And Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.



The honeymoon hour approached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a
horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited
him.
The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed.
The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she
appeared as a witch, She would henceforth be her horrible and deformed
self only half the time. And the beautiful maiden the other half.
'Which would you prefer? She asked him. 'Beautiful during the day
..... or at night?'



Lancelot pondered the predicament.
During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends,
But at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch!
Or,
Would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day?
But by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments with?

(If you are a man reading this...) What would YOUR choice be?



(If you are a woman reading this) What would YOUR MAN'S choice be?



What Lancelot chose, is given below:
BUT.... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below... OKAY?




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Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his
question; he said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the
time because, he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of
her own life..



Now... what is the moral to this story?
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The moral is....



1) There is witch in every woman no matter how beautiful she is!

2) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.

So, always remember:

IT'S EITHER 'HER WAY' OR IT'S 'NO WAY'

[Germanicus]

40 Years Together

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the dining room table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She
Watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 40 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?"
"Yes, I remember." says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 40 years?'"
"I remember that, too." she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says "I would have gotten out today."

[Germanicus]

Tolleson and Aemma advertise in the local paper for an exchange student, their AD is answered by a young Swedish 19 yr old girl.
One night the girl asks Aemma when she can have a bath, Aemma explains that they do not have a conventional bath, but a metal bath that is put in front of the open fire place, and she can have a bath on Thursdays as Tolleson goes bowling that night.
Thursday night arrives and Aemma fills the bath for the girl, the swedish girl strips off and Aemma notices that the girl has no pubic hair at all, "oh my goodness" Aemma gasps, "you have no pubes" "Ja, we Swedish girls do not have hair, we shave it off"
When Tolleson comes home later that night Aemma explains to him what she has seen, Aemma says "next Thursday when you go bowling i will leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself that she has no hair at all" "ok" says Tolleson i will come back early and see for myself"

Thursday night arrives and the girl strips off and stands in front of Aemma, once again Aemma is baffled and shows her pubic hair off to show her Canadian women do not shave, and proudly says "mine is a bush"

Later Tolleson lets himself in and Aemma asks "did you see it?" "yes" Tolleson says, but why show her your bush" Well she says you have seen my bush before, "yes i have", Tolleson says," but the bowling team haven't"

[lei.talk]

From a December memo to paramedics in Edmonton, Alberta,
by Alberta Health Services:

Drivers should "respond within the posted speed limits even when responding with lights and siren."
"Our job is to save lives," AHS wrote, "not put them in jeopardy."

According to drivers interviewed by Canadian Broadcasting Corporation News,
police have been issuing tickets to drivers on emergencies
if they speed or go through red lights.

CBC News 12-24-2010

[Ivanushka-supertzar]

How Americans imagine Russian family:

- Honey, I'm home!
- Why so late?
- Bear sprained his foot on the way home so I had to give him some vodka.
- Oh, I see! Let's all sit down now and drink some vodka.
- Mom, can I play with the bear?
- Yes, darling, but before you go, have another shot of vokda.
- And where is our Grandpa?
- It is the second week he is waiting in the queue for the talons.
- Well, at least he drank some vodka before he gone there. And you, darling, dont waste your time and do not sit idle - go drink some vodka too.
- There you are, good boy. Now go for a walk, sonny, and do not forget to write a report to KGB afterwards! And btw we are running out of vodka so please buy some on your way back home.
- Honey, it's too hot in the room. Please, turn off nuclear reactor!
- Just let me finish my vodka and ill turn damn thing off, and you play some balalaika while Im doing this.

[Blossom]

There are 3 guys who just got married...and the 4th got like 20 years of marriage. They're having beers on sofa and talking about their new (or not) wives.

Guy1: -Man, really, my wife its just like a...butterfly, so cute!
Guy2: -Butterfly? Baah, that's gay. Mine's like a sweet deer...so tender!
Guy3: -Guys, you're both pussy. Mine's like a cat...so damn wild and..uuh..

Guy4: -Yeah guys, you're right, my wife's neither like a human being.

[Ilya.S]

Honey, I'm home!
- Why so late?
- Bear sprained his foot on the way home so I had to give him some vodka.
- Oh, I see! Let's all sit down now and drink some vodka.
- Mom, can I play with the bear?
- Yes, darling, but before you go, have another shot of vokda.
- And where is our Grandpa?
- It is the second week he is waiting in the queue for the talons.
- Well, at least he drank some vodka before he gone there. And you, darling, dont waste your time and do not sit idle - go drink some vodka too.
- There you are, good boy. Now go for a walk, sonny, and do not forget to write a report to KGB afterwards! And btw we are running out of vodka so please buy some on your way back home.
- Honey, it's too hot in the room. Please, turn off nuclear reactor!
- Just let me finish my vodka and ill turn damn thing off, and you play some balalaika while Im doing this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWZJsVXhl_I

[Germanicus]

Golf Panties....

Bloodeagles wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any panties?', Bloodeagle demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
Bloodeagle immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'

Next, Germanicus's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Germanicus reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

Lastly, Tollesons wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
Jesus Christ and all the virgins Where the hell are your panties?' She too explains, 'You don't give me enough money to be able to afford any.'
Tolleson reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, for the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yourself up a bit.'

[Germanicus]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with women to whom they normally would never be attracted.

After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as a "relationship."


In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this Beer scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.