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My favourite barbarian (after Conan)
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I found this today and laughed my ass off. If you're a fundamentalist Christian you may be offended, so, reader beware:
The Christian Olympics
Commentators:
Brother Bubba, play-by-play
Brother Miles, color commentator and Bible Expert
Competitors:
Pope John Paul II
Billy Graham
Morris Cerulo
Mother Theresa
Pat Robertson
Oral Roberts
Jesse Jackson
Benny Hinn
Jerry Falwell
Atheist
Interviewer:
Manny Fortaguez
Brother Miles Long: Greetings! Welcome to the first annual
Christian Olympic Games. Coming to you live from Jerusalem is
Brother Bubba and myself Brother Miles. May the Lord Bless you all
today as we come together in Christian fellowship. Brother Bubba,
could you tell us about these games?
Brother Bubba: Certainly, but first let's bow our heads in prayer
and pray as the LORD has taught us to pray.
Dear Lord, we come together today in the spirit of competition to
praise Your mighty name. We pray that Your Kingdom will come
quickly, and we look forward to seeing Jesus in His blood drenched
robes returning to earth to wreak Your loving vengeance upon your
enemies. In the meantime, we pray that you will give us the
strength we need to deal justly and righteously with those enemies
that hate you. We will slay them all, man and woman, infant and
suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass, with the edge of the sword,
just as you told your chosen people to do to the Canaanites,
Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites: Although
we are unworthy, we also ask that you may provide us with many
young girls that have not known man by lying with him, so that we
may know them and have 30 sons and 40 grandsons who will ride upon
70 asses. Please forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin
against us, and help us to do Your will. For Your Power is great,
Your Mercy infinite, and Your Love eternal.
Miles: Amen.
Bubba: Now, about the games. This competition is modeled after
the decathlon. There are ten events, each based on a real event in
the BIBLE. Such Christians as Pope John Paul II, Billy Graham,
Morris Cerulo, Mother Theresa, Pat Robertson, Oral Roberts, Jesse
Jackson, Benny Hinn, Jerry Falwell, and Robert Tilton are with us
today to dazzle us with the LORD's power.
Miles: Why, this is the Christian Dream Team! We should see some
serious miracles!
Bubba: Amen! On a sour note though, an atheist has sued for and
won the right to compete here today. He claimed that it would be
discriminatory to exclude atheists from these games.
Miles: "The fool has said There is no God". Psalms 14:1. That
atheist fool shall surely be humiliated, just as Baal's prophets
were humiliated by Elijah, in I Kings, chapter 18.
Bubba: The events are as follows:
1. foreskin collecting
2. heathen converting
3. casting out demons
4. moving mountains
5. raising the dead
6. walking on water
7. snake juggling
8. lion taming
9. poison drinking
10. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednigo contest
Miles: Should be an interesting contest. Looks as though that
atheist won't survive! Hope he gets converted real quick or he's
going straight to Hell!
Bubba: Amen Brother Miles. Now the first contest is the foreskin
collecting contest. Each of the contestants will be taken to the
Gaza strip, given a knife, and sent out to collect as many
foreskins as possible in a 20 minute period. Each foreskin will be
worth 5 points.
Miles: King David still has the record for this event: 200
foreskins! Ouch! And that record has stood for almost 3000 years.
Don't think that we'll see that one broken today!
Bubba: Could you tell us more about that, Brother Miles?
Miles: Why, certainly. It is one of the most touching love stories
in the Bible, as told in I Samuel 18. David fell in love with King
Saul's daughter, Michal, and she was in love with him too. But
David was very poor and could not afford the dowry of a King's
daughter. Saul told David, "The king desireth not any dowry, but
an hundred foreskins of the Philistines." David was so happy to
hear this, that he left immediately and gathered, not 100, but 200
foreskins!!!
Bubba: Why, Jesus himself said to always go the extra mile. Looks
like King David took that lesson to heart!! Well, it looks like
our athletes are in position. Oh! Check out the Pope: he's saying
his Hail Mary's as he's sharpening his knife. He means business!
Miles: But I think that the "edge" is with our younger
competitors. After all, speed is definitely a factor when you're
chasing down a Palestinian! And let's face it: the Pope ain't no
spring chicken!
Bubba: And they're off: Whoa! Look at that Pope go! He's just
tackled his first Palestinian and...
Miles: MY LORD! His knife hand was so quick, it was just a blur
and...
Bubba: Look at all the blood spurt from that Palestinian! Why, I
think he's... YES, the Pope has lopped off his entire penis!
Miles: You've got to admire the Pope's zeal!!! Obviously, the LORD
is with him!
Bubba: The Pope has now cut his way to the town's marketplace, and
pandemonium has broken out!
Miles: Why, all you can see is a whirlwind of slashing steel and
pissed-off pontiff!! This is amazing!
Bubba: Now I see why they call him the Vicar of Christ on earth!
Why, if he had a sword coming out of his mouth I'd say this was
Armageddon! It looks like the tally so far is:
Pope -102
Jesse Jackson - 51
Mother Theresa -31
Morris Cerulo - 6
Billy Graham - 3
Oral Roberts - 2
Jerry Falwell - 0
Robert Tilton - 0
Pat Robertson - 0
Benny Hinn - 0
Atheist - 0
Miles: Amazing. I think the Pope is making a run at King David's
record.
Bubba: I haven't seen the Pope slow down yet, and there are still
ten minutes to go! Oh no, something is happening to Benny Hinn....
Miles: Wow! Looks like Benny Hinn is in trouble. A little
Palestinian boy has taken his knife from him, and WAIT!!! OH MY,
the little boy has chopped off Benny's penis! Let us pray.
Bubba: Look! The Pope has arrived on the scene and he's thirsting
for revenge!. He has now taken that evil Palestinian boy's penis,
and he didn't even use his knife!
Miles: As the GOOD BOOK says: An eye for an eye, a tooth for a
tooth....
Bubba: Amen. There's poor Benny, crawling on the ground,
searching for his penis. And it looks like Mother Theresa has come
over to help him, just like in that wonderful movie "Searching for
Bobbitt's Pisser." Oh look, she's found it!
Miles: God bless that woman. But what's this? SHE IS KEEPING THE
PENIS FOR HERSELF!!! She and Benny are playing tug-of-war with
Benny's penis. And it looks like Mother Theresa is winning! Poor
Benny must be weak from loss of blood!
Bubba: Looks like there are only ten seconds left. We'll give the
final tally in a moment.
Miles: What have we here??? Looks like.... Yes, it is.....
Jerry Falwell is trying to lop off Robert Tilton's penis. Can he
get it? Yes!!!!
Bubba: Right at the buzzer too! Time's up. Let's go now to Manny
Fortaguez our interviewer...
Manny: Thanks Brother Bubba. Here with me I have his Holiness
Pope John Paul II, who has just given the judges a basket brimming
with penises. Your Holiness, our unofficial tally has you at 200
foreskins, tying King David's record.
How did you do it?
Pope: Well, I just concentrated on the LORD and tried to do his
will. Jesus told me, "Just take it one penis at a time!"
Manny: Good advice for anyone, coming from Jesus. Do you think
getting revenge for Benny Hinn cost you a shot at breaking the
record?
Pope: No, I don't think so. It happened to be in my path anyway.
The LORD guided me there. I am but a tool in his loving hands.
Manny: Back to you Brother Bubba!
Bubba: Thanks Manny; Your Holiness! Looks like the official tally
is in! Oh NO! One of the penises that the Pope collected didn't
have a foreskin!
Miles: Let's run the instant replay to find out what happened.....
Bubba: Hmmm.... Looks like in the 15th minute, amidst all the
confusion, he grabbed a Jewish Rabbi by mistake and lopped off his
penis.
Miles: Ha Ha! That Rabbi won't be going to the Synagogue any
more, as Deuteronomy 23:1 tells us: "He that is wounded in the
stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter unto the
congregation of the LORD."
Bubba: Well, the Pope almost got the record. Maybe next year!
The final tally is in now. It's official.
Pope - 199
Jesse Jackson - 102
Mother Theresa -69
Morris Cerulo - 10
Billy Graham - 6
Oral Roberts - 5
Jerry Falwell - 1
Pat Robertson - 0
Atheist - 0
Robert Tilton - (-1) (injury)
Benny Hinn - (-1) (injury)
Miles: Jesse Jackson put in a strong performance, but all of Ham's
decendents seem to run very fast. Just look at the 100 meter
finals in the Olympics. Mother Theresa gave us a strong second
half performance, but I think the fight for Benny Hinn's penis
slowed her down. Still she's on pace to take the bronze. Robert
Tilton and Benny Hinn appear to be unable to continue: it must be
humiliating to lose to an atheist! But Robert Tilton may be back
later: he has wrapped an oily prayer towel around his stump -
there could be a healing coming on!
Bubba: Hold on, this just in.... The atheist has removed his
pants and is claiming to have a foreskin.
Miles: Its True! Oh LORD! He's vaulted past Pat Robertson into a
tie with Jerry Falwell.
Bubba: I think that this abuse of the rules is disgusting and
shameful! He didn't even try to collect other people's foreskins,
claiming it was 'immoral'.
Miles: Ha! If a righteous and Godly man like King David can do
it, it must be OK!
Bubba: There seems to be another controversy brewing. Pat
Robertson has filed a complaint with the Judges. In it he claims
that, according to the Bible, any woman who touches a man's
"secrets" must have her hand cut off!!!
Miles: I'm afraid that he may have a point there: check out
Deuteronomy 21:11-12. "When men strive together one with another,
and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out
of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand,
and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand,
thine eye shall not pity her." Now it's true that Mother Theresa
isn't married, but if a wife can't do it, then no woman can!
Bubba: That appears to be the Judge's ruling. The Pope is backing
them up, claiming infallibility. The other contestants are also in
agreement. They have drawn lots, and Benny Hinn has won the
privilege of cutting off her hand.
Miles: Look at that grin on Benny's face.
Bubba: He picked up the axe and is advancing towards Mother
Theresa. I don't know if I can watch this!
Miles: Pull yourself together, Bubba! It is the LORD's will. You
should rejoice! Now don't let me catch your eye pitying her again!
Bubba: Thank you, Brother Miles. I almost sinned! Mother
Theresa is praying to Jesus for forgiveness.
Miles: Jesus will forgive her once her hand has been cut off! Go
Benny!
Bubba: (with a loud wail in the background) Whoa, what a chop! He
almost got it off with one hit! This next one should do it...
Yes!!!
Miles: He demonstrated great form! Benny may not get a medal, but
at least he leaves these games with wonderful memories that will
last a lifetime!
Bubba: Looks like we are now getting ready to start our next
event: the heathen converting contest. Each of the contestants
will be go back out into the same town in the Gaza strip for one
hour and try and convert the recently circumcised Palestinians.
Could be a tough sell, but this is the DREAM TEAM.
Miles: That atheist will sure be at a disadvantage on this one.
Don't expect to see him score well.
Bubba: True. Each conversion will be worth 100 points.
Personally, I bet that atheist is going to try and cheat by
converting himself!
Miles: I wouldn't put it past him. But we know what will happen
to those false prophets! What sort of equipment do they get to
use.
Bubba: The most important tool is the red hot poker. Historically
this has been one of the best tools for bringing people into the
flock.
Miles: Although those thumbscrews are mighty convincing, too. Do
they get to use those?
Bubba: Certainly. They also get to use the rack if they want, but
that would be very heavy to carry around. I expect it won't be the
tool of choice. Looks like the Pope has opted for the poker.
Miles: He's saying his Hail Marys again as he is heating it up
with his blow torch. I won't underestimate him again. Boy is my
face red!
Bubba: Well, the timer is starting...... NOW! OH NO! Those
ungrateful Palestinians are pummeling the Dream Team with rocks.
That cowardly atheist is hiding behind a car. If it weren't for
the police, I think this crowd would commit murder!
Miles: Still, you have to believe that the love of Jesus will
prevail.
Bubba: The Dream Team is fleeing the town! They are retreating
from the angry mob!
Miles: I prefer to say that they are advancing in the opposite
direction. The LORD must be leading them to fight somewhere else.
Onward Christian Soldiers!!!
Bubba: Manny, all of them except for Jesse have just ducked into a
building. Can you tell us what it is?
Manny: The sign above the door says: The Allah Loves You Nursery
School. There should be many young souls to save in here!
Miles: Amen! The Dream Team will put the fear of God into those
little heathens! Hallelujah!
Bubba: Great! We have some action. Billy Graham has caught a
little Palestinian girl and is pistoning his red hot poker up her
butt. He's saying something to her. Manny, can you make out what
he's saying?
Manny: Yes. He's telling the little girl that Jesus loves her.
Billy is explaining that if she converts now, she'll avoid the
tortures of HELL!
Bubba: Truly inspiring words. Hey, what is that atheist doing?
Manny: That vile atheist is interfering! He took Billy's poker
away from him and is beating Billy on the head with it. Why is the
referee permitting this?!!! That disgusting atheist has prevented
the little girl from accepting Jesus!
Miles: That atheist will get what's coming to him. There is a
special place in HELL for the likes of him!!!
Bubba: Looks like Mother Theresa has put the thumbscrews on a
little boy. It must have required a great deal of dexterity to do
it with just one hand!
Manny: Hallelujah! The little boy is praising Jesus!!! We have
our first conversion! And here comes that atheist.
Miles: Ha Ha! Not fast enough, Mr. Smartass Atheist! But... Oh,
disgusting! He's attacking Mother Theresa with the poker anyway.
That atheist has the DEVIL in him!!! He has no morals
whatsoever!!!
Bubba: Hold on a sec'... Our other camera crew has been following
Jesse Jackson.
Miles: I was wondering what he's been doing.
Bubba: Well, he headed towards a Jewish settlement, and it appears
he's just found a little Jewish boy.
Miles: Look at that boy run! Still, he won't outrun Jesse.
Bubba: Jesse has just tackled the little boy. OUCH! That boy
just skinned his knee really badly.
Miles: What's Jesse got there in his hand?
Bubba: Looks like,.... Yes, it is..... He's got a needle, and
he's ready to shove under the kids fingernail.
Miles: I like his style! Can we get any sound for this?
Bubba: Certainly let's listen in!
Jesse: (shoving the needle under the fingernail) Hey, Hymie! You
think this hurts, just wait till you gets to hell!
Boy: Please don't! MOOOOMMM!
Jesse: All you have to do is accept Jesus and you will have
salvation.
Boy: (whimpering and crying) I accept Jesus.
Jesse: (twisting the needle) Do you worship and love HIM and
praise HIS mighty name?
Boy: (crying loudly) AAIIIIGGHHH! YES! I LOVE JESUS!
Miles: HALLELUJAH! Jesse has brought another lost soul into the
flock!
Bubba: Did anyone remember to bring the Holy Water for the
baptisms?
Miles: The Pope brought some. What's he been doing at that
nursery school?
Manny: Uhh, it appears that the Pope has taken a very Catholic
approach, one often used on altar boys by priests.
Bubba: In America, they throw priests in jail for using that
technique.
Miles: Well, we all know how America has turned away from GOD!!!
Bubba: Time is running out. Has the Pope gotten a conversion?
Manny: Well, I know that he has been screaming "Oh, God, YES!" for
the last 10 minutes. But the little boy has just cried in pain.
Miles: Don't you worry. The Pope will soon fill him with the Holy
Spirit, and then he'll have the JOY in his heart!
Bubba: Oops. The Buzzer! Too late! Manny, find out what that
shameful atheist has to say for himself.
Manny: Atheist, your sin is great!! You have prevented an
innocent little heathen girl from accepting Jesus, and you have
viciously attacked some of the decent, righteous Christians on the
Dream Team. What do you have to say for yourself?!
Atheist: You Christian Scum! The tortures that you inflicted on
those poor children were inhuman, they were monstrous, they were...
Miles: They were inspired by the truth of the Bible! Look at what
Moses did to the Midianites in Numbers 31: killing all the little
boys and older girls and giving the little girls to the deserving
Israelite men! Certainly, the God of Moses, who ordered the
destruction of the Midianites, would look on approvingly at the
loving torture that the Dream Team used here today!
Bubba: Why, certainly Brother Miles. After all, the goal is to
save them from the everlasting torments of HELL! No pain, No gain!
Let's talk with Jesse now.
Manny: Jesse, I hear you ran all the way to the Jewish settlement
to go for a conversion. Any reason why you decided to pass up the
needy children at this nursery school!
Jesse: Well, Manny, I figured everyone else was working on
converting them Arabs, but the LORD was calling me to convert some
Hymies.
Manny: You found one very quickly, despite your lack of knowledge
of the area. How did you do it?
Jesse: I have the LORD to thank for that, but I've also spent a
lot of time in Hymie-town, that's New York, and I have their
pattern down cold. I saw some Hymie writing on the wall, so I knew
I was heading the right direction.
Miles: The LORD was with you brother Jesse. He made sure you knew
all about the Hymies.
Jesse: That's correct. I have to give all the credit to Jesus.
Manny: Thank you, Jesse. Your performance is going a long way to
atoning for Ham's sins.
Bubba: Now for the current standings:
Pope - 995 pts.
Jesse Jackson - 610
Mother Theresa -238
Morris Cerulo - 50
Billy Graham - 30
Oral Roberts - 25
Jerry Falwell - 5
Atheist - 5
Pat Robertson - 0
Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury)
Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury)
There are two major surprises so far. First, Mother Theresa is
doing very well, and has actually made up ground on the Pope. The
second surprise is not so good. That atheist isn't bringing up the
rear as expected. Care to comment on that Brother Miles?
Miles: First, I would like to point out that Jesse Jackson is also
doing surprisingly well. Age is certainly going to affect the Pope
in later rounds. As for the disgusting display of unsportsmanlike
conduct by that atheist only one thing can be said. He is a
cheating, no good, and immoral heathen. I pray that the Lord
strikes him down before he can interfere again.
Bubba: Let me add my voice to those prayers, Brother Miles. That
atheist will soon be so busy dodging lightning bolts, he won't be
able to interfere again. Now, the next event is the casting out
demons event. The contestants will go to the main hospital here in
Jerusalem and will cast out the demons afflicting the people there.
Miles: This will be an exciting day for those people in the
hospital. For those watching, keep a close eye on Morris Cerulo.
This is his specialty!
Bubba: How do you think the Pope will do? Do you think he can
bounce back from his failure
in the previous event.
Miles: I wouldn't expect a strong showing. The Pope seems to go
through time consuming rituals when performing an exorcism and
there is a time limit of 25 minutes for this event!
Bubba: True. For those wondering how the scoring works: each
demon cast out is worth 200 points. Manny, has the hospital been
informed of the upcoming healings?
Manny: Yes, and those doctors are trying to prevent it. Their
main complaint is that all the pigs running around the building
will be unsanitary.
Miles: Those stupid doctors. What do they know about healing?
Jesus himself cast demons out of people and into pigs. It can't be
done any other way. If those doctors had read their BIBLE instead
of their medical texts, they would know this.
Bubba: I agree. I am reminded of Martin Luther's statement here,
"Idiots, the lame, the blind, the dumb, are men in whom the devils
have established themselves: and all the physicians who
heal these infirmities, as though they proceeded from natural
causes, are ignorant blockheads...."
Miles: He was an excellent authority on spiritual matters. I'm
sure our listeners thank you for translating it from the German for
them. Of course that isn't all, Luther also said that "A large
number of deaf, crippled and blind people are afflicted solely
through the malice of the demon. And one must in no wise doubt that
plagues, fevers and every sort of evil come from him."
Bubba: Back to those blockheads complaints, has anyone tried to
get them to listen to reason?
Manny: Well, it appears as though the contest will be allowed, but
only under the strictest observation.
Miles: Why, once they see those invalids jump out of traction,
those doctors won't give our Dream Team any trouble.
Bubba: OK. The contestants have just been waiting for the pig
controversy to be settled. Truckloads of pigs have just been
released inside the hospital and our contestants are OFF!
Miles: I'm so excited for those poor invalids. Still, though, I
am afraid that that atheist will try and interfere again!
Bubba: Oh No! Alarms are going off in all the rooms, especially
in the intensive care unit! What is happening, Manny?
Manny: The doctors are going nuts around here. They may be
afflicted with demons. The pigs have knocked over several IV
stands and the doctors are trying to prevent Morris Cerulo from
entering.
Miles: Those idiots! Looks like he's gotten through now!
Manny: He has! He is approaching an unconscious invalid and has
just knocked him on the head saying, "TAKE IT in JESUS's name!"
The invalid has fallen out of the bed and is quivering on the
floor!
Miles: OUR first healing! Praise JESUS!
Manny: The Pope has also come in and is sprinkling Holy Water
everywhere.
Bubba: What is he saying? I can't make it out?
Manny: He is chanting, "The power of Christ compels you! Get thee
behind me Satan!"
Miles: Looks like Morris has just ripped the bandages off that
burn victim and has smacked him on the head. Look at those pigs
run wild. They must have the demons in them!
Manny: Hallelujah! Morris has just healed another one of the
possessed. The person is flopping around and turning blue as the
demon leaves his body.
Miles: Damn that atheist! He's interfering again! He has
inserted some sort of tube back into the patients throat. Why, I
bet that the demon will crawl through that tube and possess that
poor man once again!
Bubba: It's true! He's not blue anymore! We may have to give the
atheist a negative score for that!
Manny: Oh NO! Pat Robertson tried to jump into the action, but he
slipped on some pig dung and hit his head. Hope he's all right.
It is pandemonium here. The pigs have taken over three entire
wings of the hospital. The doctors are attacking the Dream Team.
They've just jabbed the Pope in the butt with a syringe, and he's
going unconscious! Looks like they've stuck Mother Theresa, Jesse,
Oral Roberts, and Jerry Falwell with a syringe too!
Bubba: Those doctors are the ones possessed by demons! Hey, what
is that atheist doing to Pat?
Manny: The atheist has taken the Holy Water from the Pope and
thrown it on Pat! Oh NO! Pat has revived! He is healed! The
atheist has scored! Now it looks like security guards have tackled
Morris and Billy.
Bubba: What do they have in their hands?
Manny: Looks like a strait jacket. That atheist is the one that
needs the strait jacket!
Bubba: And Morris was halfway into a healing, too. He had just
ripped those wires off that patient's chest when the guards put the
strait jacket on him! Manny, what's that horrible sound coming
from the EKG?
Manny: The patient is dead, Brother Bubba! Hope that demon didn't
take his soul!
Bubba: Those security guards should be charged with murder for
interfering with Morris!
Miles: Look at that stupid atheist! He just shouted 'clear' and
stuck two paddles on that dead patient's chest. He must be trying
to shock him back to life. Doesn't he know that the raising the
dead contest isn't till later?
Bubba: Times UP!!! Let's get the Dream Team outta there!
Manny: The guards have thrown everyone out onto the street and
have begun shooting the possessed pigs. We should be able to have
quite a barbecue later.
Bubba: Great! Now we can give the hams to the starving Jews.
Miles: They should love it! I must admit, I'm looking forward to
tryin' some myself. I haven't been able to get a ham sandwich
since I got here!
Bubba: Good thing Paul said it was ok to eat pork, don't you
think?
Miles: Sure is. So, how did the scoring turn out for this event?
Bubba: Well, as expected, Morris Cerulo dominated this event with
2 1/2 healings. Surprisingly, our judges have ruled that Atheist
deserves credit for one healing. No one else managed to score.
Miles: That Dream Team was up against the Devil's front line
troops there. I just heard that over 70 people have died in that
hospital now. Can you fill us in Manny?
Manny: Certainly. It seems that the pigs knocked over IV stands
and damaged vital equipment. The iron lung is permanently out of
commission. The hospital staff is swamped and several people have
been fatally wounded after slipping in pig doo doo.
Miles: If they had left the Dream Team alone to do their good
work, this would not be happening. The Lord is visiting His swift
and just retribution upon them!
Bubba: Amen! The tally now is:
Pope - 995 pts.
Jesse Jackson - 610
Morris Cerulo - 550
Mother Theresa -238
Atheist - 205
Billy Graham - 30
Oral Roberts - 25
Jerry Falwell - 5
Pat Robertson - 0
Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury)
Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury)
Any comments Brother Miles?
Miles: As I said, Morris made his move, but still hasn't made up
enough ground to match the Pope's heroic performance in the
circumcision contest. Mother Theresa has dropped in the standings,
but I still consider her a serious medal contender, especially
since Morris is weak in the other events. The big surprise has to
be that shameful atheist. I'm beginning to wonder if Satan has
been influencing the judges. That Atheist has interfered with
Billy, Oral, Jerry, and Pat, so I don't feel their scores truly
reflect upon their faith in Jesus!
Bubba: I'm sure that atheist will get what's coming to him in the
snake juggling contest! But now, we go to the mountain moving
contest. Each contestant will get one chance to move Mount Zion.
Successfully moving the mountain will be worth 1000 points. Any
comments Brother Miles?
Miles: This should be really exciting. Don't expect anyone to
make up ground on the Pope. I'm sure they all have faith bigger
than a mustard seed, except for that atheist. That atheist will
fall behind everyone now. As the GOOD BOOK says, "Verily I say
unto you, if ye have faith and doubt not, you shall not only do
this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto
this mountain be thou removed and be thou cast into the sea; it
shall be done. And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer,
believing, ye shall receive." Matthew 21:21-22
Bubba: That dumb atheist is gonna have a pretty hard time here.
Originally this event was designed to weed out false Christians.
Personally, I thought it would be a mere formality, but now it has
real significance.
Miles: Well, the later events will do an even better job of
weeding out false Christians. Lack of faith will send that Atheist
where he belongs when it comes to snake juggling!
Bubba: The lineup will be: Jerry, Oral, Billy, Pope, Jesse,
Mother Theresa, Morris, Pat, and finally Atheist.
Miles: That Atheist will be demoralized . The mountain will
probably have been cast into the sea by the time it's his turn.
Bubba: Looks like Jerry is in position. He's raised his hands
toward heaven and is now shouting. Manny, can you fill us in on
what is happening?
Manny: Jerry has just begun his prayers and is calling on Jesus to
move this mountain.
Jerry: Be thou removed and be thou cast into the sea!
Miles: What's happening to the mountain? I haven't seen it budge.
Manny: Jerry is now falling to his knees and screaming! His face
is turning red, his features are contorted in extreme
concentration. Jerry has removed all doubt from his mind and is
focusing all of his will power on moving that mountain.
Jerry: BE THOU REMOVED AND BE THOU CAST INTO THE SEA! URRRP!...
Manny: Oh NO! Jerry has collapsed! Get the faith healers quick!
Miles: That atheist is laughing! How rude and unsportsmanlike!
Bubba: Look! Morris Cerulo, Billy Graham, Pat Robertson, and
Jesse Jackson have pulled out of this event to heal Jerry Falwell.
What sacrifices! Especially for Jesse, who is currently in second
place.
Miles: Well, surprisingly, Jerry has failed to score. But you
know the LORD works in mysterious ways. I'm sure that mountain
will move eventually.
Bubba: Now it's Oral's turn. He appears to be demoralized. Do
you think this will affect him Brother Miles.
Miles: Oral is a true believer with a wonderful zeal for doing the
Lord's work. All it takes is the faith of a mustard seed, and Oral
definitely has plenty to spare.
Bubba: Manny, fill us in on the action.
Manny: Well Bubba, Oral has begun his prayers, but he seems to be
praying silently. Very subdued. Perhaps he is grief stricken and
is praying for Jerry.
Miles: I'll bet he is calling for a 900 foot Jesus to come pick up
that mountain and carry it away!
Bubba: I don't think he is praying for the mountain to move,
'cause it isn't moving.
Miles: True. Why is that Atheist laughing again?
Bubba: He is afflicted with a demon, I think. Our judges have
ruled that Oral has not moved the mountain. Well, let's see if the
Pope can put this tragedy behind him and move this mountain.
Miles: I'm sure he won't have any trouble whatsoever, Brother
Bubba. He is definitely looking to make up for his surprisingly
low scores in the previous two events. Besides, this is his golden
opportunity to widen his lead over Jesse and Morris, now that they
are healing Jerry.
Bubba: He appears ready. Manny, why is he climbing into the Pope-
Mobile?
Manny: Well, Bubba, his valiant effort to convert that heathen boy
has sapped his energy. He is going to drive around the mountain
and bless it before he casts it into the sea.
Miles: I just love watching that Pope ride around in his Pope-
Mobile making signs of the cross at the adoring crowds. This will
be even more exciting, because each blessing he casts at that
mountain will rip apart its very foundation.
Bubba: I'm on the edge of my seat. Perhaps we should put in
earplugs for when that foundation gets torn up.
Miles: By the way, did anyone remember to warn those fisherman in
the Mediterranean that a mountain was gonna be headin' their way?
Bubba: I reckon the Lord will send an angel to warn those that
deserve it. Manny, the Pope-Mobile is now returning to the
competition area. What is it like down there?
Manny: The atmosphere here is electrifying. The only sound you
can hear is Atheist laughing.
Miles: Someone should have converted him in the second event of
this competition. He could use a red-hot poker up his butt right
now! He wouldn't be laughing then.
Manny: The Pope is now getting ready! Let's listen in. He's
beginning to chant.
Pope: Caveat Emptor! Quid pro quo! Quod erat demonstrandum! Hic
Haec Hoc! Veni, Vidi, Vici! E Pluribus Unum! Semper Fidelis! In
Nomine Patris, Et Filis, Et Spiritus Sancti! Et tu, Brute! Amen!
Miles: Hallelujah! That mountain is gonna move!
Manny: Nothing is happening! Something is wrong!
Bubba: I think the presence of a doubter is having an adverse
affect here.
Miles: That is certainly it! Even Jesus had trouble performing
miracles when doubters were present. Just check out Matthew 13:58
"And He did not many mighty works there because of their unbelief."
Bubba: Thanks for pointing out that verse for us, Brother Miles.
Some of our free thinking viewers might have lost a little faith.
Manny, are they making the Atheist leave before Mother Theresa
tries.
Manny: Yes, they are. The Atheist has been carried off: he lost
all his energy laughing.
Bubba: Great! So what is Mother Theresa doing?
Manny: She has Rosary beads out and is saying Hail Mary's over
and over. She is beginning to rock back and forth as she works up
and focuses her spiritual energy.
Miles: There is no way she'll succeed. She has her head
uncovered!
Bubba: Could you explain this problem to our viewers Brother
Miles?
Miles: I'll just let the Apostle Paul do the explaining. Check
out 1 Corinthians 11:5-6 "But every woman that prayeth or
prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoreth her head: For that
is even all one as if she were shaven. For if the woman be not
covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman
to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered."
Bubba: Amen! I don't understand why she isn't wearing her habit.
Miles: They took her head covering to make a pillow for Jerry
Falwell!
Bubba: Looks like she is failing too! Why doesn't someone shave
her?
Miles: I'm on my way! Luckily I brought my shaving kit! The Lord
knew I would need it.
Bubba: After he gets done shaving her, that mountain will
certainly move. Well, while Miles is shaving her, let's find out
what is happening with Jerry Falwell.
Manny: He's dead, Brother Bubba. It appears to have been a brain
hemorrhage. He gave a valiant effort in the name of the Lord. I'm
sure he is in heaven now cheering on his fellow Christians.
Bubba: Well, he might be brought back in the raising the dead
competition. I wouldn't count him out yet. The presence of that
doubting Atheist has sure caused a lot of problems. GREAT SCOTT!
Mother Theresa is totally bald now.
Miles: (returning) Now we will see that mountain move!
Bubba: That didn't take you long.
Miles: The Lord was with me.
Manny: The mountain still isn't moving! What could possibly be
wrong?
Bubba: Oh No! Your forgot to shave her pubes, Brother Miles.
Miles: AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH! Forgive me LORD!
Bubba: We can't cry over spilt milk. Mother Theresa's time is up.
They are now bringing the Atheist back and are telling him to move
the mountain.
Manny: Looks like Atheist has something dirty up his sleeve! He's
telling everyone to evacuate the area! He's begun digging a hole
near the base of the mountain!
Miles: Ha! At that rate it would take him 10,000 years to move
that mountain. That's longer than the universe has existed!
Bubba: The Dream Team has gathered around and is mocking the
Atheist.
Manny: The Atheist has just placed a cylindrical object in the
hole he has dug. Here he comes now! Hey Atheist, do you have
anything to say?
Atheist: RUN!
Manny: Why?
Atheist: (sprinting off) Because that Atomic Bomb is going to blow
up in 20 minutes!!!
Manny: I'm outta here!
Bubba: Well, I'm not running from that Atheist's empty threats.
However, I do hear the LORD calling me to, uhhh, heal a palsied
child on the other side of town.
Miles: Me too! And when the LIVING GOD tells you to do something,
BY GOLLY, you DO it!
Bubba: Also, we can check out the venue for our next event, the
raising the dead competition, right Brother Miles..... Uhhh,
Brother Miles?... Wait for me!
Bubba: (gasping for breath) Well, here we are at the venue for
our next event, the raising the dead competition.
Miles: I didn't realize the morgue would smell so bad. How did
the scoring end for the mountain moving contest?
Bubba: The Judges have ruled that Atheist succeeded in moving half
of the mountain, for 500 points.... The current standings are.....
Pope - 995 pts.
Atheist - 705
Jesse Jackson - 610
Morris Cerulo - 550
Mother Theresa -238
Billy Graham - 30
Oral Roberts - 25
Jerry Falwell - 5 (dead)
Pat Robertson - 0
Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury)
Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury)
Comments, Brother Miles.
Miles: Atheist has now vaulted into second place, due to some
devious cheating and underhanded scheming. However, he won't
survive our later events, so I still consider the Pope the gold
medal favorite. I also expect Mother Theresa to stay in the medal
hunt. One thing I don't understand is why they didn't also award
the points to the other competitors who prayed to move that
mountain.
Bubba: I don't understand or agree with the ruling either, Brother
Miles. I think it is pretty obvious that the LORD was just
answering their prayers in His own way, in His own time!
Miles: My point exactly! We can't question His ways or even begin
to understand them.
Bubba: Now to our next event, Raising the Dead. This event should
be extremely difficult. How do you see this round unfolding?
Miles: Well, Brother Bubba, I wouldn't expect anyone to score too
high here. This miracle is one of the most difficult to perform.
The only people to have succeeded are Elijah, Elisha, Jesus, and
Paul.
Bubba: If they succeed though, it will be worth 5,000 points.
Miles: Let me add a historical footnote here, Brother Bubba.
Elisha was so talented in this event that he actually succeeded in
raising the dead after he had already died himself. Check out
2 Kings 13:20-21 "And Elisha died, and they buried him. And the
bands of Moabites invaded the land at the coming in of the year.
And it came to pass, as they were burying a man, that, behold, they
spied a band of men; and they cast the man into the sepulchre of
Elisha: and when the man was let down, and touched the bones of
Elisha, he revived, and stood up on his feet."
Bubba: AMAZING! Even Jesus didn't do that!!!
Miles: So, I wouldn't count Jerry Falwell out. His body has been
brought to this morgue, and he could score big, even take the lead.
Bubba: OK, the competition has been joined! Let's find out from
Manny what is happening.
Manny: Well, the Dream Team seems sort of confused. The Atheist
is taunting them.
Atheist: Hey Christian scum, what happened to your faith! If you
had but the faith of a mustard seed you could raise all these
people from the dead!
Miles: Shameful. I can't wait to see him drink that poison.
Bubba: Looks like Pat Robertson has taken the initiative. What's
he doing?
Manny: Pat has just taken a dead little boy and has laid his naked
body on a table.
Miles: Has Rigor Mortis set in?
Manny: Yep, he's stiff as a board. Pat is now climbing onto the
table and is laying upon the child. He is now putting his mouth
upon the child's mouth, his eyes upon his eyes, and his hands upon
his hands... That is certainly a passionate kiss!
Miles: Why, he is using the Elisha technique. That is what Elisha
did in 2 Kings 4:34-35.
Manny: Now, he is lowering himself upon the child. Looks like the
Holy Spirit has come upon Pat. He is moaning and speaking in
tongues.
Bubba: Do you think the heat generated from friction is all that
is needed to raise the body temperature back to normal?
Miles: Unfortunately, it isn't so easy. But he seems to have a
great deal of experience using Elisha's technique.
Bubba: I wonder what technique Elisha would have used on a woman?
Miles: Good question, Brother Bubba. This technique surely
wouldn't work! WAIT!!!! DID THE BOY SNEEZE?
Manny: No, Pat farted. He's now climbed down, but the boy still
hasn't moved. The Atheist has gotten sick!
Miles: Perhaps the LORD has smitten him with a plague!
Bubba: Well, we have now run out of time and no one has scored. I
was really hoping Jerry Falwell would be returning to finish the
competition.
Manny: With me now, I am talking to Pat Robertson. Pat, that was
a wonderful and touching thing you did as you valiantly tried to
bring that boy back to us.
Pat: I did my best, but God just told me that the boy was safe and
sound playing his harp in heaven. It was not the Lord's will that
he return to face eternal judgment a second time.
Manny: Thank you, Pat.
Pat: My pleasure, Manny. After I rest a bit, I might try and
revive some other little boys, that is, if we have time.
Manny: Good luck, but I think we are leaving for the Sea of
Galilee in 5 minutes.
Bubba: Well, lets take a look at our scoreboard again. As
expected there are no changes from last round.
Pope - 995 pts.
Atheist - 705
Jesse Jackson - 610
Morris Cerulo - 550
Mother Theresa -238
Billy Graham - 30
Oral Roberts - 25
Jerry Falwell - 5 (dead)
Pat Robertson - 0
Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury)
Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury)
Comments, Brother Miles.
Miles: As I said earlier, this was the result to expect,
especially with that doubting Atheist present. Manny, is that
Atheist still alive? He shouldn't be.
Manny: He is.
to be continued...
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...continued from the last post
Bubba: Here we are at the Sea of Galilee where Jesus and Peter
walked on water. This event will test the faith of our Christian
Dream team. Those with a steady and unwavering faith will have no
problem here. The contestants will be taken out 100 meters off the
shore, and then each one will be tossed overboard to walk to shore.
The scoring works as follows. Each meter that the contestant walks
will be worth 10 points. What can we expect here Brother Miles?
Miles: Prediction. 1000 points for all the Christians, and one
very wet Atheist. What will they do if Atheist starts drowning?
Bubba: The rules clearly state that each contestant must rely on
his, and only his, own faith.
Miles: I can't wait!
Bubba: Manny, are we ready to begin?
Manny: Yes, the competitors are about to be thrown in!
Miles: What's the delay then?
Manny: Jesse Jackson says he can't swim, and everyone is
complaining about the weird shoes the atheist is wearing! Many are
worried he is trying to cheat again.
Miles: Why didn't that Jesse Jackson learn to swim at the public
swimming pools back in the 50's or 60's? Besides, what does he
have to be afraid of?
Bubba: Looks like they are off. What is happening in the water,
Manny?
Manny: Well, they are all flopping around in the water. Wait,
Atheist's shoes are inflating! He is now standing up and striding
confidently toward shore!
Miles: And the other contestants?
Manny: Everyone is desperately trying to avoid Jesse Jackson. He
is panicking and desperately grabbing people. He is looking for
someone to hold onto. He is a real menace.
Bubba: Atheist is turning back! He is rushing to help Jesse! I
can't believe he is trying to interfere again.
Miles: He has no respect for the rules of fair sportsmanship! It
makes me sick.
Manny: Atheist has just tossed one of his shoes to Jesse, and
Jesse has managed to catch it!
Bubba: Now, Atheist is swimming toward shore just like the Dream
Team. This is a shock! Our panel of judges has awarded Atheist
credit for the 10 meters he covered before rescuing Jesse,
which would give him 100 points.
Miles: WHAT! That cheating Atheist! Has he paid them off? Do
those judges worship GOD or Mammon? Surely they can't look the
other way at his cheating this time. Someone has to protest.
Bubba: You are correct Brother Miles. The other competitors have
all filed a protest claiming that
1. The atheists shoes were really a boat,
and 2. He cheated and interfered and should be penalized.
and 3. He retraced the 10 meters he covered to save Jesse,
thereby nullifying the distance.
Miles: What is the ruling?
Manny: The judges have just discussed it, and they decided that
Atheist should get nothing, since he retraced his steps. Also, the
Atheist has now been given an official warning about interfering.
On the next offense he will lose 1000 points!
Bubba: Current standings then are, after 6 rounds.
Pope - 995 pts.
Atheist - 705
Jesse Jackson - 610
Morris Cerulo - 550
Mother Theresa -238
Billy Graham - 30
Oral Roberts - 25
Jerry Falwell - 5 (dead)
Pat Robertson - 0
Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury)
Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury)
Comments, Brother Miles.
Miles: That Atheist has ruined these games. We have 1 dead and
two injured. Plus his lack of faith has adversely affected the
performance of the other contestants. Why is the LORD permitting
this?
Bubba: Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways. But now we get to
the true tests of faith: snake juggling, lion taming, poison
drinking, and the Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednigo contest!
Miles: GREAT! I feel like taking all my clothes off and dancing
around like King David, when he got that Ark back.
Bubba: Me too! The event works as follows. Each of the
contestants will grab some poisonous snakes of his/her choice and
then begin juggling them. Points will be awarded for style, and
for length of time the snakes are in the air. Every 5 seconds that
a cobra, rattlesnake, mamba, or bushmaster is in the air will be
worth 100 points. Every 5 seconds that an asp, sidewinder, or
copperhead is in the air will be worth 50 points. Finally, coral
snakes may also be juggled but for only 1 point every 5 seconds.
Now remember, the snakes must be juggled, so only the time when the
snakes are in the air will be counted.
Miles: What happens if the snake bites and hangs on?
Bubba: That will be counted as juggling. Now Brother Miles, could
you talk about the history of this event for our viewers?
Miles: Well, Jesus himself once said, "And these signs shall
follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils;
they shall speak with new tongues; They shall take up serpents; and
if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall
lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover." That is in Mark
16:17-18.
Bubba: I'm sure our viewers will notice the connection this verse
has to some of our other events. So, who was the first snake
juggler.
Miles: That honor goes to Paul himself! Acts 28 tells a wonderful
story of Paul impressing savages with his grace and style while
snake juggling!
Bubba: Could you retell it for us, Brother Miles.
Miles: Certainly. You see, Paul was on an island called Melita,
which was inhabited by barbarians. These barbarians showed him
great kindness and gave him shelter and made a fire for him. Well,
Paul went to put some wood on the fire, when LO and BEHOLD, a
poisonous viper leapt out of the fire and attached itself to him.
Bubba: Amazing! Was he frightened?
Miles: No, not Paul. But the barbarians thought Paul must be a
murderer and that this was some sort of vengeance against him.
Paul just laughed and nonchalantly tossed the snake in the fire.
When the barbarians saw that no harm came to him, they thought he
must be a god!
Bubba: Heart-warming isn't it? Well, our contestants are ready to
go! First up will be Pat Robertson, to be followed by Oral
Roberts, Billy Graham, Mother Theresa, Morris Cerulo, Jesse
Jackson, Atheist, and finally the Pope. Any predictions this time
Brother Miles?
Miles: Youth and dexterity will definitely play a factor here.
The Pope will perhaps lack a little of the hand-eye coordination
necessary here, while Mother Theresa lacks a hand: that stump will
give her problems! However, I expect them to score modestly well
with the rest of the Dream Team making up a little ground. This
could be Jesse's chance to make his move. I think it is probably
now or never for him to take the lead. Atheist is gonna bite the
dust!
Bubba: That is exactly how I expect it to unfold also. Here we
go! Manny tell what is happening!
Manny: Bubba, Pat must really be ambitious. He has called for 4
cobras, 4 rattle snakes, 2 mambas, and 2 bushmasters.
Miles: Wow! He will have to move faster than Muhammed Ali to
juggle that many! He could catch the Pope here!
Bubba: The box filled with the snakes is ready. As soon as Pat
removes them, the timer will be started!
Manny: Pat looks really nervous, but perhaps it's just excitement!
The box of snakes has just been placed in his shaking hands. Oh
NO! The box just got tipped over before Pat was ready! The snakes
are all over him!
Miles: Cool! Look at that style! He has two on his left arm, one
on his neck, 3 on his right leg, 3 on his torso, and the Piece de
Resistance, TWO on his crotch!!! My LORD, it looks like the Holy
Spirit has entered Pat: He's bouncing off the walls and spinning
like a whirligig! He must be dancing for JOY!!!
Bubba: This is reminiscent of that Paul story you told us, only it
is twelve times as impressive! Imagine if those savages had seen
this! Wait, what's happening?
Manny: Pat has fallen. Perhaps he tripped. The snakes have been
dislodged and the clock has stopped.
Bubba: But I believe he kept them in the air for 10 seconds.
Miles: Who said the men's 100 meter final in the Olympics was the
most exciting 10 seconds in sports? I challenge them to top this
record breaking performance.
Manny: Pat isn't moving. Our judges are going over to see what's
wrong...
Bubba: Maybe he hit his head on a rock when he tripped.
Miles: I suspect that Atheist is behind it somehow.
Manny: The judges think he must be exhausted from the strenuous
effort. They are taking him to a place to rest.
Miles: He'll shake it off and be back for the next event, I'm
sure.
Manny: The judges have just made an announcement: Pat has died of
unknown causes.
Miles: What a Shocker! I wonder what happened. There should be
an autopsy to discover the cause of death. He looked so vibrant
and alive when he had the snakes on him!
Bubba: Jesus said to let the dead bury the dead. Let's get back
to the action! Next up is Oral Roberts.
Manny: Oral, Billy Graham, Mother Theresa, and Jesse Jackson have
all withdrawn! Oral and Billy wish to pay their respects to Pat,
Mother Theresa doesn't want to aggravate the arthritis in her
remaining hand, and Jesse Jackson has some administrative work to
attend to for his Rainbow Coalition! Morris Cerulo has just
stepped up confidently for his turn.
Miles: He looks serious! Perhaps faith healing isn't his only
speciality.
Bubba: Morris has asked for 3 cobras and a rattlesnake.
Miles: He isn't as ambitious as Pat, but look for a big score!
Manny: Morris has just taken the box and placed it on the ground.
He is leaning over the box and has now opened the lid! He's
blocking the view, so I can't see what's happening.... Wait, there
he goes.... He now has four snakes in his hands. They aren't
moving at all... He must have quite a grip on them....
Miles: Can you hear that rattlesnake? I bet that Atheist is
scared!
Manny: He has just tossed them in the air and is trying to keep
them going..... Looks like he's dropped one.... Oh... He just
dropped them all....
Bubba: Great performance! He kept that rattle snake in the air
for 5 seconds and managed to keep the cobras in the air for 10
seconds... That's worth 700 points, putting him behind Pat, who
has 2400.
Manny: What is Atheist doing?... He's just picked up one of
Morris' snakes and ... he's claiming that it's made of rubber!
Bubba: So...
Manny: He is accusing Morris of cheating...
Miles: Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!.....
Manny: The judges have ruled that God turned the snakes to rubber
to protect Morris. The result stands.
Miles: Morris must have gotten that one from Moses! Moses changed
snakes into wood, but Morris has added a modern twist to an age-old
miracle by changing snakes into rubber! Hallelujah!
Bubba: Great! Now we get to see Atheist try.
Manny: Atheist has just put on some thick gloves and a chain mail
suit. He is now asking for four cobras.
Miles: Disgraceful! Are the referees going to permit this!
Bubba: Unfortunately the rules don't forbid it.
Manny: Atheist has just grabbed the cobras and has tossed them
into the air! The snakes are trying in vain to bite him. .... He
just dropped two... Still going.... Good form.... Oh... he
dropped the other two now.
Bubba: He kept 2 in the air for 10 seconds and the other 2 in the
air for 30. That is worth 1600 points. Giving him a total of
2305. Not enough to match Pat's performance, but enough to put him
back in second place.
Miles: No problem... The Pope will take the lead now... I bet he's
going to ask for 12 cobras, one for each of the apostles!
Manny: He just asked for 1 coral snake. It will take him forever
to score well with that.
Miles: You see, Brother Bubba! What strategy! The Pope knows he
doesn't have the speed and reflexes for a quick kill, but he has a
lot of endurance. I would compare Pat to a sprinter, and I would
compare the Pope to a marathon runner.
Manny: The Pope has grabbed the coral snake and is now tossing it
up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down...! We could be
here a while!
Bubba: To pass Atheist the Pope needs to keep this up for 1 hour,
49 minutes, and 10 seconds. To catch Pat will require over 2 hours
of work.
Miles: If anyone can do it, the Pope can....
Manny: (25 minutes later) Looks like the Pope has opted to change
styles. The snake has now bitten him between the fingers and is
hanging on....
Miles: He's just taking a break. That is why he just flopped down
on his back.
Bubba: Here comes Atheist!
Manny: Atheist has just pulled the snake off of the Pope and has
stuck a syringe into him!
Miles: He's cheating! He knew that the Pope was going to catch up
to him eventually.
Bubba: Well, that performance lasted for 25 minutes and 5 seconds,
giving the Pope 1306 total points.
Miles: Those judges have to disqualify that Atheist now.
Manny: The judges have just deducted 1,000 points from Atheist for
interfering. His next infraction will bring disqualification.
Atheist, you have continuously disrupted these games and have shown
no respect for the rules...
Atheist: I have respect for life, though. I knew that if I didn't
inject that anti-venom into him that he would die.
Manny: Ha! The Lord was protecting him.
Atheist: Yeah, just like he protected Pat Robertson! (walking
away)
Miles: That Atheist is stupid. Hasn't he read his bible? So what
is the score now?
Bubba: There has been some shuffling in the standings now. Here
is the scoreboard:
Pat Robertson - 2400 pts. (dead)
Pope - 1306
Atheist - 1305
Morris Cerulo - 1250
Jesse Jackson - 610
Mother Theresa -238
Billy Graham - 30
Oral Roberts - 25
Jerry Falwell - 5 (dead)
Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury)
Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury)
Comments, Brother Miles?
Miles: I am disgusted that the Atheist is still alive. Why is the
Lord vexing us with him? Pat has jumped into the lead, but in his
present condition I don't think he will be able to add to that
score. The Pope is still easily within striking distance of the
gold. Atheist, though only a point behind, will surely drop out of
contention soon. Morris is a big surprise. This could be the
Cinderella story of the meet! Mother Theresa is out of medal
contention now.
Bubba: Good analysis. Up next is the lion taming portion of our
program. Each of the contestants will be led one by one at 1
minute intervals into the lions cage at the Jerusalem zoo. Those
Lions haven't been fed for over a week! After remaining in the
Lion's den for 12 hours, they will leave. Successful navigation of
this grave peril is worth 1000 points. What is the history of this
event, Brother Miles?
Miles: Well, Bubba. Daniel was the first to undergo this test,
but he certainly wasn't the last! Those Romans loved sending
people who claimed to be Christians to fight lions in the arena.
However, when they realized the lions wouldn't eat true Christians,
the Romans put fake Christians, called gladiators, in there to be
eaten instead. That way people would be afraid to become
Christians.
Bubba: This strategy obviously didn't work. Well, here we go!
Manny, what is happening?
Manny: Oral has just come back from the funeral and is trying to
pull out of this event too! However, there is a no-withdrawal rule
in effect for this event: the judges just had him picked up and
thrown in!
Miles: Just wait till that Atheist goes in there. Those lions are
gonna have a feeding frenzy!
Manny: Great Scott! The lions have just mauled Oral and... blood
is spewing everywhere... Ouch! The lions have torn him into 4 big
chunks... some of the lions are rolling around in the gore. They
seem to be very grateful for this feast that the LORD has provided
for them... Aww, how cute! Look at that little lion cub gnawing
on Oral's severed head!
Miles: (smirking) Look at those chunks of flesh and skin stuck
between his teeth. Hope his mother makes him brush and floss....
We can't stress "Oral" hygiene enough to our young viewers!
Bubba: Ha Ha Ha! You're right, Brother Miles! I don't understand
why this has happened though! But we can't know everything GOD
does. HE had his reasons, I'm sure!
Miles: Correct! We shouldn't even question why this happened.
GOD is everywhere, he's omnivorous. This is all part of some
wonderful plan that He has for Oral's life.
Manny: Billy Graham has been pleading to go home! But the judges
are adamant and are pushing him into the cage. Wow! Billy has
just gone unconscious.
Miles: Amazing cool! How can he sleep at a time like this?
Manny: Billy has just been tossed to the lions and ... The lions
are gorging on him almost immediately! He hadn't even hit the
ground before they tore huge chunks from his hindquarters.
Bubba: My, My, My! The Lord surely does work in mysterious ways!
Well, I'm sure GOD won't let Mother Theresa get eaten.
Manny: Mother Theresa is whimpering and crying. She is calling on
Jesus to save her! The judges have just tossed her in too!
Miles: This should be fun to watch. I bet GOD is going to put
those lions to sleep.
Bubba: They do look a little slower. Perhaps they have been
satiated!
Manny: A lioness has just swatted Mother Theresa! She is sprawled
on the ground now.... trying to crawl away.... her stump is slowing
her down. Wow, the lioness has hooked her claws on Mother
Theresa's leg and has drug her back... the lioness is swatting her
back and forth like a pinball....
Bubba: That's got to be disorienting.
Miles: The LORD's mercy is great! He hasn't let the lioness kill
her!
Manny: Uh OH! Here comes the lion. He ... He ... Wow, it is
amazing that her entire head fit inside his mouth! He just bit it
off and swallowed it whole! Wait, Jesse and Morris are in now too!
The lions haven't noticed them yet! I was so enthralled watching
the lioness that I didn't see them thrown in! The lions seem to be
taking a siesta!
Bubba: Morris is rubbing himself with lion dung! Brilliant! Who
would want to eat food with dung all over it.
Miles: Well, Ezekiel swore by it! He used cow's dung instead of
lion's dung, though. In Ezekiel 4:7-19 he describes how to make
tasty cow dung sandwiches!
Bubba: That doesn't sound very tasty.
Miles: Au Contraire, mon frere! Why, I make my kids eat them
every day at school!
Bubba: Is that healthy?
Miles: Why, of course it's healthy! The LORD wouldn't order you
to eat anything unhealthy!
Bubba: I'll have to give it a try.
Manny: Atheist has just been thrown in... He has a whip in his
hand... But the lions are asleep now... Great, we have 4
contestants in the lions den now.... Jesse, Morris, Atheist, and
the Pope!
Miles: Wake up, kitty! Eat that Atheist! I don't understand why
that Atheist isn't being eaten.
(12 hours later)
Bubba: Well, four contestants have just walked out of the lion's
den. They seem sort of pale!
The current standings are now!
Pat Robertson - 2400 pts. (dead)
Pope - 2306
Atheist - 2305
Morris Cerulo - 2250
Jesse Jackson - 1610
Mother Theresa -238 (dead)
Billy Graham - 30 (dead)
Oral Roberts - 25 (dead)
Jerry Falwell - 5 (dead)
Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury)
Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury)
Comments, Brother Miles?
Miles: It is a tight race to the finish, but the Pope probably
can't be caught! Looks like Pat's valiant effort was for naught,
but you never know, he could still get a medal!
Bubba: Now we get to the poison drinking contest? For those of
you who wonder why this contest is here, let us remind you to read
Mark 16:17-18. The rules for this are simple: Each contestant
will be given a gallon of arsenic to chug. Points will be awarded
based on the quantity of arsenic imbibed in a 2 minute period!
Plutonium was going to be used, but the Atheist stole it to make
his atomic bomb! Drinking the whole gallon is worth 1000 points
with the rest prorated. Predictions, Brother Miles?
Miles: A fatal case of indigestion for that Atheist! I hope he
brought his Tums, 'cause I'm not going to give him any!
Bubba: Well the contestants are set... and there they go!
Manny: The contestants seem a bit reluctant to begin.... Wait,
the Pope has just filled a shot glass and has downed it! The other
contestants are watching him expectantly! He appears fine, though!
Miles: I bet that was delicious! It'd go great with a cow dung
sandwich!
Manny: Jesse and Morris have now taken heart from the Pope's
example and Morris is now chugging the gallon.... SO IS JESSE!
Wait... both of them have fallen to their knees! They are now
vomiting and turning blue! They appear to be having trouble
breathing!
Miles: Perhaps they are choking on it: they were drinking too
fast! Let this be an important lesson to our young Christians out
there. You can drink poison, but in moderation... Drinking too
fast could cause this sort of accident.
Bubba: Good point, Brother Miles. It is wonderful how the Lord
provided this lesson for our young viewers... What is Atheist
doing?
Manny: He is just standing around shaking his head in disbelief.
He was trying to get the judges to call an ambulance.
Miles: If he interferes this time, he will be disqualified. He is
too scared to drink that poison.
Bubba: Well, times up. Morris led the way with 900 points,
followed by Jesse with 700, the Pope with 25, and Atheist with 0.
Manny, interview our new leaders, Morris and Jesse.
Manny: I can't. They are dead. They drank too fast and choked on
it!
Miles: Too bad! How about that Pope though!
Manny: Your Holiness, you sparked a rally there when you drank
that shot of arsenic. What did it taste like?
Pope: Well, arsenic is just rat poison you know. It has a
metallic taste. I always put a little on my bread every morning.
My bodyguards thought it was a good idea to build up immunity to
poison.
Manny: Didn't you tell them you were already immune?
Pope: Yes, but I decided to humor them.
Manny: That was kind of you. Back to you Brother Bubba.
Bubba: Here is our new leader board:
Morris Cerulo - 3150 (dead)
Jesse Jackson - 2410 (dead)
Pat Robertson - 2400 pts. (dead)
Pope - 2331
Atheist - 2305
Mother Theresa -238 (dead)
Billy Graham - 30 (dead)
Oral Roberts - 25 (dead)
Jerry Falwell - 5 (dead)
Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury)
Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury)
Comments, Brother Miles?
Miles: That cowardly Atheist disappointed me by not drinking any
poison and dying. He can't avoid the upcoming furnace though!
Morris is the big surprise. Now in first place, with only one
round left. He will probably have to settle for the silver, though,
since the Pope will easily collect the 2000 points in the final
round. Jesse has fulfilled my earlier prediction that he would be
a serious medal threat.
Bubba: You have the gift of prophecy Brother Miles.
Miles: Thank you, Brother Bubba. I'm not just a color commentator
you know. As for Atheist, he is now out of medal contention.
Bubba: Prediction?
Miles: Atheist flambe, coming up!
Bubba: Now we have our final round of competition. The Shadrach,
Meshach, and Abednego contest. This contest is easy. Each
contestant will be tied up and tossed into a fiery furnace. All
those who walk out will receive 2000 points.
Miles: And those that don't will have begun their stay in Hell!
Bubba: True. Could you give us the history for this event,
Brother Miles?
Miles: Gladly. Three men who loved God very much refused to bow
down and worship idols to other gods. They only worshipped God!
Well, the King became very angry and had a huge furnace built.
Then Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were tied up and tossed in.
The flame was so hot that the soldiers who threw them in were
burned to death! But Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were unhurt!
Jesus himself appeared in the furnace to save them!
Bubba: Do you think we'll see Jesus today?
Miles: I guarantee it!
Bubba: Well, the Atheist has shown up wearing some really weird
suit! I think I saw one of those on a volcano special on TV.
Manny, where is the Pope?
Manny: The Pope wishes to withdraw. He has just jumped into his
Pope Mobile!
Manny: Wait.... The judges won't let him withdraw. They have
pulled him out of the Pope-Mobile and have tied him up. The
atheist has been tied up too, and the furnace is being stoked to
its hottest temperature.
Bubba: I wonder what the Pope is worried about. Perhaps he
doesn't like the smell of burning flesh.
Miles: That is probably it, Brother Bubba. The Popes these days
don't like burning people any more. Their nose is too sensitive!
I'm am so excited right now... That Atheist is gonna be toasted
tonight!
Manny: The attendants have tossed our contestants into the
furnace! The flames from the furnace have burned those attendants
to cinders!!! Smoke is everywhere, I can't see what is happening!
Miles: This is reminiscent of the story in the Bible. Now we get
to see Jesus rescue the Pope!
Manny: Look, I see a shiny figure in there! Is it the SON OF
GOD?... NO, Damn it! It's the Atheist! He has just hopped out
of the furnace with a smile on his face. There's no sign of the
Pope. Where could he be?
Bubba: Perhaps he was raptured.
Miles: No, it couldn't be that. We're still here.
Bubba: You are right..... Perhaps he was taken up into heaven,
just like Elijah and Enoch!
Miles: That is correct.... God just told me that the Pope is now
safely in heaven.
Manny: The judges are conferring... They have awarded Atheist
2000 points and the Pope 0.
Miles: WHAT!!!!!! They can't do that.... The Pope didn't die in
there.... No one saw him die....
This is the last time I cover these games. They're all rigged.
Bubba: I agree... Well, here are the final standings:
Atheist - 4305 GOLD MEDAL
Morris Cerulo - 3150 (dead) SILVER MEDAL
Jesse Jackson - 2410 (dead) BRONZE MEDAL
Pat Robertson - 2400 pts. (dead)
Pope - 2331 (missing)
Mother Theresa -238 (dead)
Billy Graham - 30 (dead)
Oral Roberts - 25 (dead)
Jerry Falwell - 5 (dead)
Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury)
Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury)
And so the first Christian Olympic Games end with a huge upset.
Any final comments, Brother Miles?
Miles: I've finally figured it out. THAT ATHEIST IS THE
ANTICHRIST! His dominance in these events are the signs and
wonders predicted in the Book of Revelation! Hallelujah! The
rapture should happen any minute now!
Bubba: Well, that wraps it up. So long from Brother Miles and
Brother Bubba and the whole crew at Christian TV. We'll be seeing
y'all in heaven real soon!
Miles: (as the camera fades back) Don't forget your harps!
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^Geez, that was a killer!
-------------------------
Hilary Clinton was taking a tour of a D.C. hospital while working to reform healthcare in the U.S. As she is touring, a doctor is explaining all the different functions of the hospital to her.
Eventually, they pass an open room in the inpatient ward, where Hilary could clearly see a middle aged man masturbating with great enthusiasm. The doctor quickly instructed the floor nurse to close the door. It was too late, Hilary had already seen.
She fiercely looked at the doctor and said, "What kind of hospital are you running here Doctor?"
The doctor calmly explained that the man had a very rare ailment, which required him to ejaculate three times daily, or his testicles would swell and he would die. Hilary accepted the doctor's explanation and they moved on.
A few minutes later, they came across another open room, yet this time they witnessed a nurse on her knees giving a different middle aged man oral sex. Hilary was outraged and called for an immediate explanation.
"It's very simple Mrs. Clinton", said the doctor. "This man suffers from the same ailment as the last man, however he has a much better health plan."
Last edited by Treffie; 02-06-2009 at 11:49 AM.
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President Vladimir Putin called President Bush with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.", replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favour, please?", said Putin.
"Yes?", replied the President.
"Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.
"No problem," replied the President and with that Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."
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Boy: Dad, what's politics?
Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the money so we'll call me the management. Mom receives most of it so we'll call her the government. We'll call the maid the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Do you understand now son?
Boy: I still don't understand dad.
Dad: Think about it for a while son.
That night the boy wakes up because his baby brother is crying. He goes in and finds out he's soiled his diapers. He goes to tell his mom but she's asleep he goes in to the maids room but she's in there having sex with his dad. He bangs on the door but no one can here him.
The next day...
Son: Dad I understand politics now.
Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own words son.
Son: The management is screwing the working class while the government's fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is full of SHIT!
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TOP TEN LINES FROM INTERNET CHAT ROOMS
1 You're different... I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before.
2 I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile... but tell me more about yourself.
3 I never do Cybersex! Yet here in this room alone with you, well, I'm getting excited.
4 I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and everyone loves my body!
5 I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from working out.
6 Yes of course I'm female...
7 I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend.
8 No this is my only screen name... You mean you can have more then one?
9 I'm not like most of the guy's/gal's here, I want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other. (at the hotel coffee shop)
10 I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts (Which is true, it means: I'm horny and could care less, just type)
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THE COMPUTER PROGRAMMER
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
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BILL MEETS SATAN
Eventually, Bill croaks and Satan is there to greet him. "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.
He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows XP!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
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