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Random fact: When I was younger I lived in an area where domestic cats that had been released into the wild, so to speak, had become a bit of a problem. There were tons of them. They just kept procreating. They would have their kittens right next to your front door.
My brother and I had BB guns. We used to put out pieces of lunch meat or cheese at night and wait for the cats to come by. We called it "Tiger Watch". It was rather fun actually. I used to devise various traps too. They were fairly elaborate. I made traps where a piece of food would be attached to a string which was set in a switch that would release if tampered with. Once the switch was released, the string would fly loose and the cement blocks that were suspended in the air above (held by the same string which was hanging over a tree branch) would come crashing down.
Those were the days.
I really appreciated those cats.
(I'll probably be getting a bunch of 's now)
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A Cat's Guide to Humans
Why Do We Need Humans?
So you’ve decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you’ve joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence.
What’s so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:
THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
How And When to Get Your Human’s Attention
Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.
Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.
Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:
Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it’s something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.
Waking your human at odd hours: A cat’s golden time is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human’s sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.
Punishing Your Human Being
Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire–the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:
Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.
Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.
After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.
While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they’ve been presented.
After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend that cold-blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm-blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbor’s Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human’s face, you’ll know it’s worth it.
How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They’re humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.
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Seuthanan, I suspected you're an asshole but now I dislike you even more. You're sick. I only wish I got my hands on you....My brother and I had BB guns. We used to put out pieces of lunch meat or cheese at night and wait for the cats to come by. We called it "Tiger Watch". It was rather fun actually. I used to devise various traps too. They were fairly elaborate. I made traps where a piece of food would be attached to a string which was set in a switch that would release if tampered with. Once the switch was released, the string would fly loose and the cement blocks that were suspended in the air above (held by the same string which was hanging over a tree branch) would come crashing down.
Last edited by Absinthe; 03-20-2009 at 10:25 AM.
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Last edited by The Lawspeaker; 03-20-2009 at 11:13 AM.
Wake up and smell the coffee.
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You know what's even worse and more sickening that the action itself?
The fact that he felt like bragging about it, and in a "cat appreciation thread", at that...
Clearly a sociopath.
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I'm not going to join the bandwagon, so here are some funnies to take our minds off it.
The Cats` Prayer
Although I am too proud to beg, and may appear to be a very independent creature, I ask for your loving care and attention.
Translation: I'm the boss, serve me.
I rely on you for my well being much more than you may realise.
Translation: Go out and earn money to keep me in the style to which I intend to become accustomed.
This I promise you, my benefactor, that I will not be a burden on you nor will I demand more of you than you care to give.
Translation: The more attention I get, the more I want. You may have to hire another slave for me (by the way, I lie!).
I will be a quiet peaceful island of serenity for you to gaze upon; a soft soothing body to caress, and I shall purr with pleasure to rest your weary ears.
Translation: I will tear round the house smashing ornaments at 3 a.m., infest the house with fleas, and bite your mother when she comes to visit (did I mention that I lie?).
Since I am a gourmet who appreciates different taste sensations, I pray you will give me a variety of nutritious foods and fresh water daily.
Translation: I need Evian water, changed at least six times per day, chilled but not too cold. Any food offerings that you make, no matter how expensive, will be turned down if I think there is a chance that I can scrounge the three day old bread that next door put out for the birds.
You know dear friend, how I love to sleep. Allow me, I pray, a warm sheltered place where I can rest peacefully and feel secure.
Translation: Don't you dare wake me, I know where you sleep, and will get revenge - claw type bloody revenge!
If I am wounded in battle or suffering from disease, please tend me gently, and see that I am treated by loving and competent hands.
Translation: I reserve the right to mangle the most expensive hands you hire to treat me.
Please protect me from the inhuman humans who would hurt and torture me for their own amusement. I am accustomed to your gentle touch and am not always suspicious nor swift enough to avoid such malicious acts.
Translation: If you ever find out that it was me who bit your mother's thumb and gave her tetanus, I'll have to claim that she woke me up when I was having a bad dream.
In my later years when my senses fail me and my infirmities become to great to bear, allow me the comfort and dignity that I desire for my closing days and help me gently in my pain or passing.
Translation: When I've had enough of being pampered, please send me to my next reincarnation, where I look forward to being satisfactorily served once more.
Hear this prayer, my dear friend, my fate depends on you.
Translation: I might just accept you as slave, if you behave yourself.
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