Czarina

Although it is written first person, it is not from my eyes but the eyes of 'he who stalked me'. Or 'Blowey'. Or Rumplestiltskin Personality Disordered Motherfucker That I Can't Identify Who Also is an Erotomaniac Who is Obsessed With Slipknot.


Identity
by Wendy Riley on Thursday, March 24, 2011 at 9:34pm

identity[eye-dent-uh-tee]Latin identity:
1. The state or fact of being 2. The principle that a thing is, what it is, and not that of another. 3. The broad definition of Self. 4. Individuality.



kabuki: [kuh-boo-key] n. Japanese

Popular drama of Japan developed in the seventeenth century, characterized by elaborate costuming, rhythmic dialogue, stylized acting, music and dancing. Both male and female characters invariably performed by male actors.



Smoke and mirrors would paint an aptly defining self portrait
I know who I am only when we talk
I cease to exist without you

I am the unwavering voice of stern compliment
Polishing the tarnished ego you carry on your back like a monkey
you think you've never received or deserved a


I am judgment
No, silly, not for you,
But my policing of my moral code of ethics and karmic law warranted upon any and all that would threaten or torment or slander you

I am conscience
Yours, of course,…
I do not have one, you see

I am logic
Your very own personal Vulcan
All the better than, because I
Emote

I am intellect
Beyond that which they could pour into a measuring cup as if to quantify intellect
A sum total?!
It is this particular element of my Self
that drives me mad

I am charisma

I have the long range vision to know exactly who you are
Long before we come face to face
Equipped with all I need to lead the tractable

I am passion
I will infect you like a powerful, happy virus
That always knows the correct moral stance to be assumed

Speaking of assumptions….

I am ambivalence
What did I mean by that last bit?
Before you can ask the subject spirals away
in a rapid cycling bi polar flash flood of bullshit.

I am reflection
I have not shown you anything
That you did not first offer up to me

I am Empty
I wait to be filled with the pomp and ceremony extended by a social scene
{I could be anybody so I am everybody}
If you greet me with warmth, sincerity and dignity
I shall bequeath unto you the same respect
However
If you approach me with paranoia, accusation, or even slight,
Threefold you shall receive it back
Delivered in an anonymous, cordial destruction of everything you hold dear
I am anger
Random, free floating anger that has no home
I am full to the brim with it
Oh, God, it soaks everything around me
Without fail
Everything

I am vacuous
I do not lie when I tell you everything you want to hear
It is not a lie if I believe what I say when I say it
I don't even know
That I forget these things
As soon as the phone cuts out

I am patient and tenacious
I have an agenda you could not even imagine

I am romance retrograde
A fledgling legend in the making

I am methodical and meticulous
Psychopaths do not make mistakes
You know I haven't

I am crisis
When the hammer falls
A goose runs over your grave
When an external agency informs you
That I am not who you believed me to be

I am crazy
Bona fide
certified
the real fuckin' thang,
Darlin'

I am fear
When you realize that I have been in your house
While you were out to get cigarettes and dope
Or while you were visiting Amy
Once
When you were sick with the flu
I hung out downstairs and roamed your computer
Searched your photographs
(yes, it was me that took the pictures of your Uncle Rick and Aunt Dana)

I had to

One Tuesday afternoon while you were gone
I took a nap on your bed
I wore your Slipknot T-shirt that day
I still wear your Slipknot T-shirt
Every day

Thank you

I am shadow
A pepsi twist unzip that revealed only who I am not
Billows of smoke rolling away into nothing
Dissipation
This should have been a bright red warning sign that something was not right;
I had always professed to be an avid non smoker while tugging on a cancer stick
Couldn't you hear me exhale?

The only evidence that I had been there at all was the kabuki death mask that lay discarded at your feet


We have actually met, in person, you know
Over at Kirk Langerak's house during a drug deal
You would never think to look for me in who I actually am
My face is her face and her face is not his face
So lonely to not be able to touch
your face
At least, with my very own hand

And by the way

Don't ever let anybody tell you that you don't deserve what you want