Interstate Crime Spree Story!

[Octothorpe]

I had a request to tell my 'interstate crime' story in the Valentine's Day thread. Well, here it is:

To reiterate, this is back in early 1984. I was a second semester freshman at a small, private liberal arts college in central Illinois. One of the coed dorms had an annual 'VD' party, for singles, on St. Valentine's Day. While I was there, debauching some lass, two of my idiot friends (plus one other idiot, not a friend) wandered away, drunk as lords.

This college, by the by, was in a very old town. One of the old industries (other than the state mental hospital) was a huge railroad switching yard. It had seen better days, and the industry had passed it by. It was still packed with equipment, but no one worked there anymore.

So, my two friends (plus idiot) were wandering around town, lurching drunkenly and goofing off. They soon got lost, and by happenstance wandered near the railyard. They decided to hop the fence, in order to see what was there, and soon found a hand-cart. You've seen them in cartoons, if not in real life; a platform and a fulcrum, and two handles to pump. The pumping causes the cart to move down the track, yes?

Well, these idiots decide to play with the handcart. It was rusty, and on a side track, but alcohol and idle hands made the task irresistible. The three stooges then got on top, and pumped it down the track. Great fun!

Now, when the handcart got to the end of the sidetrack, it should have stopped, as the switch was closed. In the tradition of all bad movies, except in real life, the cart JUMPS the switch and heads down the main track! Of course, my two friends (if not the idiot) realized, through their booze-haze, that the handcart was on the MAIN TRACK and headed away--and accelerating with each foot.

Yep, the lay of the land meant that the main track was lower at the end of the railyard than at the gate. The idiots started running after it, hoping to somehow stop it before it caused a train wreck.

One thing they did not know: the RR company had hired an old train hand to spend each night in the old switch tower, as a night watchman. When the cart went past him, he saw it and flipped out--called not only the police, but the main RR switching office--and they promptly shut down ALL RAIL TRAFFIC between Kansas City and Columbus, OH. As they say, the crap had indeed hit the fan.

After the cart went by, as he was dialing (yep, it's that long ago, kids) the phone, he saw, first, one college kid, then another, then yet another, huffing and puffing, chasing the wayward handcart. The nightwatchman informed the police that these idiots were trespassing and were probably the cause of the runaway handcart.

When the cops showed up, the one idiot who was not friends with my group saw the cherry bars and dived into a ditch, crawled up into a concrete culvert, and spend the rest of the chilly night hiding there, thinking the cops were going to shoot him (yes, he was an idiot, indeed). He showed up early the next morning, soaked, frozen, and hung over. He could not tell us where our two stupid friends were.

We found out soon enough. They were indeed caught by the police, who swiftly realized that they were absolutlely skunked, and were taken into custody. Like many drunks, instead of belligerent, the boys were quite contrite, and their story caused the cops to laugh until they cried. Once at the station, the arresting officers had the guys tell their story to the desk officer, who also ended up laughing. He told them to sleep it off in a cell, and they would see a judge in the morning.

Now, what you have to understand is this: when the RR companies shut down the rail lines, it triggered an automatic investigation by the Transportation Safety Board. The TSB sent an agent, overnight, to Springfield, IL and hence to our college town. He was there, and ready to throw the book at the boys, with federal charges of stopping interstate traffic.

The judge, when he asked the (now very hungover) guys what had happened, they contritely confessed, and in the telling, the judge himself cracked up. He, ignoring the furious fed, told the boys they'd have to pay a nuisance charge fine and do some community service. He then let them loose, and they made it back to the dorm to tell us about their adventure.

We, of course, loved the story, and have told it and retold it at reunions at our alma mater. It's a classic! Hope you enjoyed it too!